Born This Way Blog

January 18, 2011

Don

Don, age 10

Hicksville, NY (1959)

"Door opener"

Seeing myself on the car roof, it appears that I’m camping it up. I was always quite the entertainer. Whether this was the signs of being gay or just my personality, I can’t really say for sure.

Later, in high school (Billy Joel was in my class), I would become a thespian in the dramatic society to further indicate my “dramatic” flair.

At school dances when all the other boys were afraid to ask the girls to dance, I was the first on the floor.

I liked playing with my girl friend next door & seeing who could diet the best since I was a chubby kid.

I also remember liking the “Sons Of Hercules” show on Saturday mornings and feeling very guilty to the point that when my parents would enter the living room, I quickly switched the channel to cartoons until they went to the kitchen - then I would resume my pleasure.

Looking back at this, they probably wouldn't have cared one way or another, but my instincts told me it was “wrong”. I didn’t officially come out until 1979, but always admired the school gymnasts & the older Boy Scouts in my troop.

When I moved to Chicago in 1975, it was a Playboy Bunny, of all people, to befriend me & take me to my first gay bar. What an experience! I’ve been enjoying it ever since!

Don's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Steve Reeves (bodybuilder and TV's "Hercules")
_______________________________________________

Morgan

Morgan, age 8

La Mirada, CA (1968)

I feel like I was a tomboy the moment I was spit out of the womb. My brother's "Hang Ten" shirts and GI Joe dolls were always more suitable to me than my dresses and Barbies.

"Me in my older brother's Boy Scout uniform"

When I was about 8 years old, my brother joined the Boy Scouts and I wanted to join, too, because I loved his uniform. It had all kinds of cool pockets and a belt and a tie and merit badges.

I wanted to earn my own badges. I wanted to go camping, learn to "widdle" a piece of wood, and scale the side of a mountain.

Instead, I was put into the Girl Scouts - and there I was, in a dress, doing girlie things for badges and selling cookies. I didn't last long.

As for my brother's uniform, I had to settle for parading around in it when he wasn't home.

When I look at this photo now, it reminds me how natural it was for me to be a tomboy and it is so clear that our sexuality is predetermined and not a choice at all. My first girl crush was on a girl in my 2nd grade class.

I wanted to be near her at all costs.

Morgan's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Stevie Nicks

I adored her!

Spencer

Spencer, age 2

Winter Haven, FL (1983)

I do not remember a time when I did not know I was “different” - although there were of course many years when I did not know a name for it. What I did understand in the early days was that, whatever the mysterious difference in me turned out to be, many people seemed to find exceptional joy in it.

"Approving million-dollar deals"

For instance, as a baby I could predictably get people laughing by doing little more than striking - what felt to me - a perfectly natural pose while holding a telephone receiver. But which looked to others more akin to Janice Pennington modeling a sports watch on The Price is Right. I found tremendous joy then in my ability to share often with others the most wonderful of human behaviors: laughter. So I hammed it up.

Eventually, however, I got old enough to figure out more about the society I'd been born into. I learned how we are a population that too often uses laughter to deride individuals, especially those most vested with a character of exuberance. It was upon this realization that everything changed.

All aspects of my existence – my gait, my voice, my hobbies, even my extended kindnesses and personal intimacies – were now opened raw to the criticisms of mocking chuckle. I found myself persuaded by experience to redefine laughter as something quite opposite than the indication of one's joie de vivre I'd always taken it for granted to be.

For a short period thereafter I became significantly less blithe to laughter in general. This was around the end of 6th grade. My mother was a principal force in steering me away from the depression I experienced at that time. She was available always for conversation and a good honest crack-up, and though I did not “come out” to her until age 19, it was way back in 7th grade that she let me know it was okay and that my life was a beautiful thing:

It was in our bathroom. My hair was dripping Clairol highlighting cream from under the plastic cap I'd picked out earlier that afternoon at Walmart. I remember standing there, smelling my hair fry and realizing what I'd actually done. And that tomorrow, I'd have to attend middle school donning perhaps the gayest head of hair the 90's would ever see.

That is when my mother, ever-attentive, found my eyes in the mirror, and with a sincere, blissful abandon, she commenced to laugh so incredibly hard as to rectify any and all future self-doubts.

Different isn't frightening, she was telling me with that laugh, different is fun. Son, your life is going to be a blast.

Spencer's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas ("Home Improvement")

And sometimes his TV brothers, too.

Samantha

Samantha, age 2
Rural Iowa (1990)

I was ALWAYS the tomboy. I asked for a tool box when I was 9. In this photo I'm actually helping with the assembly of my own swing set. It was my dad and all of my uncles - and me.

"My very first wrench."

I didn't really feel "different" until halfway through high school when I realized that the very strong emotional and protective feelings I had towards my female friends weren't quite the norm.

The thought came to me but I dismissed it the way you do a severe reaction to a mild complaint. Such as, 'My foot hurts - It must be broken!'

I got mad at myself for jumping to such extreme conclusions.

Eventually, I couldn't deny it anymore, and breathed a sigh of relief at finally embracing myself.

Samantha's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Catherine Zeta-Jones (in "The Mask of Zorro")

Richard

Richard, age 6

Long Island, New York (1955)

This photo was shot in the enclosed back porch of my parents' house. Check all the kitschy '50's furniture, fabric patterns, and light shade. And there's me, posing with the vase of flowers, picked freshly from our yard. Look at that toothy smile and long eyelashes. I always wanted to be posing with flowers, or dressed in colorful clothes.

"See my beautiful flowers?"

And I just wasn't like the other boys, plain and simple. I hated sports, was never any good at them, always picked last to play on a team at forced physical education baseball in school.

And, constantly made fun of in the schoolyard. The bullies chased me around, called me names, and occasionally beat me up.

My real first friends were the girls in the suburban neighborhood where we grew up.

Playing with dolls together? THAT was fun, and much to my parents chagrin and disappointment.

I'm sure all the kids knew I was different, though gay was not a word in our vocabulary back then in the 1950's. I think the verb to describe my activity back then was prancing. I pranced around a lot from place to place, room to room.

When I came home from school and would absolutely not go out to play ball with the boys, I usually stayed inside and hung out with my Russian-born, non-English speaking Jewish grandmother. She taught me how to cook and not be fearful of the kitchen and its utensils and stove. When my mom had friends over for card games, which was regularly, I served the little sandwiches she'd made and also the drinks.

Without a doubt, I always knew I was gay. But without ever knowing that word. From about age 5, I remember feeling this attraction to some of my older brother's male friends and my older male cousins. I think my first real 'crush' was on Peter Pan, though little did I know it was the actress Mary Martin playing a boy - talk about gender confusion?!

Watching that historic live telecast of the musical in black & white in 1955, I was mesmerized. And I remember feeling something like love and lust for that 'boy in tights' flying around on TV and singing his heart out, who would 'never grow up'.

Richard's first, famous-person same sex crush:

George Reeves (TV's "Superman")

I think there's a tights theme here? A few years later my first real heartthrob was Richard Chamberlain as "Dr. Kildare"

Andrea

Andrea, age 5

Sunnyvale, California (1983)

In this pic, I had put on my Uncle Bill’s clothing, and my Mom took the photograph. My mom, who did the brunt of the child-rearing in our family, was very open-minded and progressive, and let me pick the toys that I was drawn to the most, regardless of whether they were toys that were deemed appropriate for “girls” or not. It was the same with my clothing.

"Genderless in Sunnyvale"

There was one particular dress I liked to wear, but it was more “tailored-looking”. It looked like something Little Orphan Annie would wear, and I actually referred to it as my “Annie” dress.

My parents both tried to no avail to get me to sit “lady-like” while wearing said “Annie” dress. After several attempts with no success, they gave up. There were more important things to focus on. :)

When I was living in CA, I was for the most part a very happy, playful, creative and VERY imaginative child. To this day, I am so eternally thankful that my Mom raised me in such a loving, nurturing way.

It has completely shaped me into who I am today - someone who now proudly identifies as queer and genderless.

When I look at this picture of myself as the me I am now, it is with unconditional self-love. It makes me happy to know I've always been like this, and that I have remained true to my core inner being. :)

My coming-out was a multi-tiered process. As a teenager growing up in Pennsylvania, no one even talked about gayness. No one really talked about gay and lesbian people in any other way than to tell a joke here and there.
I therefore had no language for it, and no support system.

At 16, I started noticing that I was developing crushes on girls, but was mostly in denial about it, and tried actively to push it all back down as soon as it would come up. But in a fleeting moment of self-awareness one night, after writing in a diary that I wanted to kiss this one particular girl at school, I realized I needed to talk to someone about it. That was Tier # 1 - coming out to my Mom. She told me then that she would love me just as much no matter who I loved. But I pushed it back down, repressed it, and went happily back in denial, as I continued to play the “straight game”, and date boys.

At 19, I came out fully - to myself, to my friends, and my entire family. That was Tier # 2 - and what a glorious and liberating process that was!!!! I am so blessed to have had my entire family not even bat an eye, and just keep on loving me for who I am. And never again in my life have I looked back.

I am just as proud to identify as queer today as I was to identify as bisexual, lesbian and dyke back then. Even one of the girls that I used to chase back then has remained one of my most close and best friends to this day.

Blessings to you all, and may you all feel free and beautiful. Shine on.

Andrea's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Soleil Moon Frye ("Punky Brewster")

Arthur

Arthur, age 4

Auburn, Washington (1972)

Not long after this pic was snapped, I remember looking at an article in Mad Magazine about possible future nudity in cartoons. It had completely non-graphic nudity featuring characters from Pogo and Beetle Bailey, but I remember when looking at it, for the first time I got a funny feeling "down there." Only later did I realize that all the characters depicted were male.

"Hippity-hopity, Easter's on it's way"

In 1st grade, I would chase down and kiss Kevin on the playground. He didn't really like it, and the other kids would tease him when he got kissed, but I didn't see anything wrong with it. These days this would be called "not respecting boundaries."

It must have been on the long bus ride home from kindergarten when one day the kids on the school bus started chanting, 'Arthur wears panty hose! Arthur wears panty hose!' The driver got on the PA and said, 'Hey, Arthur does NOT wear panty hose!' Gee, thanks a lot.

Later in grade school, the kids started to develop more accurate vocabularies, and started to call me "fag." 'Hey, I'm not a fag, whatever that is.' Other contributors to this blog wish they had a name for what they were when they were growing up. I had a name, and I didn't like it. The name seemed so arbitrary that when I was teased, I started calling back, 'Oh yeah, well you're a fag too.' Then everyone started started ignoring me completely. So at least I never got physically beat up much through my junior high and high school years.

When I was about 10, my father and his brothers gave my grandmother a Playgirl magazine as a gag gift for her 60th birthday.

"What's 'Playgirl?'"
"It's Playboy, but with pictures of naked men."
*GASP* "I wanna see!"
"NO!"

In 6th grade I had a crush on another boy when we went on a field trip with 6th graders from another school. He had dark tousled hair, and I couldn't stop being around him. I didn't know what was going on, but I knew I had to stop behaving that way, and I kept it hidden for 30 more years.

Then the depression got so bad I figured being honest with myself was better than keeping my parents happy by keeping them uninformed. Looking back, I wonder how I could not have known sooner.

Arthur's first, famous-person same sex crush:
"Dirty Dan" from Sha-Na-Na

Must be the tousled hair
_____________________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

Tootsie

Tootsie, age 5

Rochester, New York (1978)

I was way too young to know what “gay” meant, but I knew I wanted to be a boy. I was picked for the lead role in our kindergarten play, The Nutcracker, but I turned it down because I would have to be a princess and be kissed by a boy!

“Did I really need to come out to my parents?”

During recess the boys and girls would split up and I always went with the boys. I even remember a game where if you pushed the merry-go-round to the left, it was the girls’ way, and if you pushed it to the right it was the boys’ way. I always teamed up with the boys to push it their way.

More than anything, I loved playing sports with boys – and the more physical, the better.

Things like tackle football with the neighborhood kids or being on an all-boys ice hockey team.

I used to dream of becoming a professional athlete and always saw that vision as a man.

I remember that around the time that this photo was taken, in kindergarten, I started to notice the difference between boys and girls. I told my Mom I wanted to be a boy, and she said I couldn't. I couldn't understand why I was a girl, because I wanted to be a boy so badly.

I think this picture captures me at an age where I still had that dream. Where I could be happy feeling like a boy, and the reality of the world or my circumstances had not set in yet.

Tootsie's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

"Cagney & Lacey"
_____________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

January 17, 2011

Steven

Steven, age 5

Houston, TX (1992)

This is me back in 1992 at my first picture day, and first time ever being on a horse. I was really excited then underwhelmed that the horse never moved. Looking back, the darn thing looks stuffed. Something not shown here, but is the other 50% to this memory, is when we were waiting in line for our turns: I was picking buttercups that were around me until I had a little bouquet.

"Everything is bigger - and gayer - in Texas"

I remember feeling different as a boy, but never realized I was gay until a decade or so later when I started having crushes on classmates. I loved my mom doing my hair as a boy, blow drying and hair spraying it big and poofy. Being the most primped and prim boy around.

The very first 'different' thought I know of having was wanting the new Little Mermaid Barbie instead of action figures. Being blessed with accepting and loving parents (who I'm sure knew well before I did), they bought me that doll around the time this picture was taken.

This is my favorite picture of me.
It shows me exactly as I was, long before I ever knew.

Steven's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Brian Austin Green ("Beverly Hills 90210")

Eric

Eric, age 4

Voorhees, New Jersey (1991)

"It's never too late
to spend a night at the opera!"

Here I am, looking fabulous during the summer of 1991 after just turning 4.

I always loved to play dress up and had the biggest and best costume box on the block.

I was quite an odd kid and spent the early part of my childhood in Bermuda, before moving to the United States to grow up. Maybe it was the Britishness of the people around me or the Bermuda shorts with knee-high socks, but from an early age - I felt fabulous.

I always performed the most elaborate basement musicals for my family and friends and threw the nastiest diva tantrums.

Looking back on this picture as an adult, I'm proud I expressed myself this way at such an early age; although I do wish I'd taken that Band-Aid off (beauty is pain).

Eric's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas ("Home Improvement")

I'd white-wash the fence with him any day

Lisa

Lisa, age 6

Long Island, NY (1968)

I grew up with 2 older brothers and was a tomboy (which was a word that adults used pejoratively against me at the time). There was no way I would wear a dress; though my poor mom did try. I played sports and "boy's" games. I was the only girl that the boys let play soccer with in 2nd grade recreation.

"Lisa and Scotty"

I had male and female friends. I never had a doll. From this photo you can see that I had a doll carriage, but I pushed my dog Scotty around it, not any dolls. I'm sure my parents bought it for me with the hope that I would use it for dolls, not the dog. Oh well, nice try.

I look at this photo now with a combination of A-ha! (short boyish haircut, tank top, boys' corduroys, blue sneakers, and a dog rather than doll in the carriage), and the understanding that I must have done what I had to do with what I was given. Mom gives you a doll carriage; improvise.

I think I realized something was up when I was 4 years old and was coaxed by my brothers to wrestle a 3 year old female friend on the neighbor's lawn, much to my friend's chagrin. She was horrified; it seems relatively normal to me.

I grew up having crushes on my brothers' girlfriends, but knew I should never say anything.

Lisa's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Eartha Kitt (Catwoman on "Batman"),
Ali MacGraw ("Love Story"), & Aliza Kashi (Israeli singer)

And I identified with Kristy McNichol (as Buddy on "Family")
and Tatum O'Neal, in "Paper Moon"
_________________________________________________

David

David, age 7

Denver, Colorado (1977)

This picture was taken on a family vacation when I was 7 years old. Worst vacation of my life. We did nothing but fish during the day, and look at old pictures at night. I wanted nothing more than to hang out down at the local bait and tackle store to watch the parade of men come and go.

I don't remember a time in my life that I didn't know I was "different".

There was never a time I didn't want to be around tall, hairy men.

When my sisters would talk about how cute boys were, I was always quick to chime in and give my opinion as well.

Thankfully, my parents seemed to take it all in stride.

Looking at this picture now makes me laugh.

It's a little embarrassing remembering my habit of always licking my lips, turning my head to the side, and squinting just before every picture because I thought it made me look mysterious.

But it's a habit that paid off years later in the bars when I was learning how to cruise. I came out when I was 23 years old. My effort at being straight - marriage and child - failed miserably and I didn't see the point in lying anymore.

It wasn't a perfect coming out experience by any means, but we all survived.
I have a good relationship with my family, ex-wife, and wouldn't take anything for my son.

My partner keeps my world revolving and means the world to me. Life is good. And there is absolutely, positively, no doubt about it - I was born this way.

David's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Erik Estrada, Richard Hatch, & Tom Selleck
___________________________________________________
Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

Click to follow my blog with Bloglovin'

Jac

Jac, age 7
Champaign, IL (1963)

I knew I wanted to be part of the Rat Pack and was doing my best tough guy look for the camera. When I started grade school, the boys and girls lined up separately and I kept getting in the boys line.

"Oceans 11"

After my mom was called into a meeting with the school principal she told me to 'just get in the girls line' as that would just be simpler for everybody.

She never told me to be a girl though. High school brought me into contact with kids who weren't accepting of me, but I simply avoided them.

One of my first lesbian friends was murdered just for being a lesbian, and all my gay male friends from my youth have succumbed to AIDS.

I carry the memory of those I've lost with me, and wish they could have survived to see this project.

JAC's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Natalie Wood (in "Splendor In The Grass")

Also, I was devastated when Suzanne Pleshette was killed off in "The Birds."

Stephen

Stephen, age 7
Richmond, IN (1989)

Here I am looking fashionable for my first day of second grade. I mean, who doesn’t look good in a fishing shirt? My parents, being good Midwesterners, always required a photo shoot on the first day of school. This is one shot of many.

It's also clear from this photo that I was not in charge of decorating the house.

“Out Fishing”

For me, I didn’t have a clear concept of “being gay” for quite some time, but going to school suddenly made me realize I was different even if I didn’t know how. I’ve always had a high-pitched voice, clearly had no problem with putting my hand on my hip, or dangling a limp wrist. At this time in my life, I was also visiting a speech therapist weekly to work on saying words like “squirrel,” which I had great trouble with.

Regardless, I always loved school and excelled at it even when I felt out of place and insecure. Looking back on this photo as a very out gay man, I’m proud of little Stephen and everything he went through to get us where we are today.

I don’t think he had any idea what was coming.

Stephen's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Bruce Boxleitner (on "Scarecrow & Mrs. King")

My mother loved that show and I was always really drawn to him. He made me have very funny feelings that I couldn’t quite understand at the time.
I have no regrets. He was hot.
______________________________________________________

Ken

Ken, age 5
Orlando, FL (1986)

This is a picture of me, my grandmother, and sister on a road trip to Orlando. I'm pretty sure that I think grammie's mauve pantsuit is quite fabulous.

"Fab-u-lous!

This is the same grandmother that let me play with Barbies and My Little Ponies while watching "The Golden Girls" on Saturday nights. 3 out of the 8 children from my generation that regularly spent time in her house turned out to be gay. One owns a gay bar in Portland. I was always the loner of the group and came out the latest at 24.

I'm pretty sure my mom knew when she took this picture (or one of the many others I came across that are basically the same). Or maybe it was the My Little Ponies and Barbies. I didn't know until puberty, around age 11, when I started dreaming about boys in my class.

I was always artistic and sensitive and was a late bloomer. I love looking back at this time now - but I just wish I'd had the courage to come out sooner, and open doors for other people in my small town.

Ken's first, famous-person same sex crushes: