This photo of me was meant to be a "gift" for my father, who was training in another city for a new job for much of that summer. I was pissed during this entire 'studio' session at some mall; the photographer trying everything to get me to behave.
My mother tells me I 'cried and carried on like a little girl' the entire time, embarrassing her to no end. This picture was the last one taken by the photographer after spending nearly an hour trying to get the perfect "little boy" shot for my father to have.
|"Early signs of a sissy"|
I knew I was gay as a young kid, maybe around age 7. That's when I began 'playing' with other boys, as in show-me-yours-I'll-show-you-mine-like games with little boys. I was fascinated and couldn't get enough.
The feelings intensified as I got older, eventually developing into that horrible ache most of us felt as teenagers when what we wanted was right next to us, but so far out of reach. But I still 'played' with boys.
In fact, my first love was a 15 year old junior-varsity football star with whom I enjoyed a very sexual relationship. He was the first person - outside of family - who told me he loved me. And I was hopelessly in love with him.
My first crush was on Chad Everett, who I wrote a fan letter to and received a small photo of, which I treasured for a couple years. I also LOVED David Cassidy & Shirley Jones. I wrote a fan letter to them, and received a large photo back of the two of them.
In the 80's I was a television make-up artist working primarily at CBS & NBC studios. One day I found myself working with Shirley Jones (long story), and I told her about my crush on her step-son. She was so gracious, and loved the story.
So that's ME. Little Chuckie, who turned out to be a great big fruit, but who doesn't regret it at all. I have this photograph on my desk at home where I write poetry and erotic stories. It makes me laugh.
This picture has become my favorite photograph of myself because I see in my eyes a truth that no other photograph of me has ever captured. I was a prissy little boy who hated doing boy things, and I matured into a gay man who - eventually, and after some therapy - grew to love himself for being gay.
And when I feel lost sometimes, I look into the honest, innocent eyes of myself as a five year old pansy!