May

May, age 12

Cape Cod, Massachusetts (2000)

This is the picture I clutched sitting at the local, gay community support group meeting for female-to-male trans men (FTMs). I'm on the far right, at a church retreat with my best girlfriends. I'm wearing the boys' jeans and flannel shirt that I begged my mother to buy me, and which I continue to purchase now as a gainfully employed lesbian grown-up.

When I first put on those jeans and cut my hair during college, my sense of relief was so palpable, I thought:

'God, this is what I’ve always wanted, and what I've always been.'



But I'd like to contribute to this blog by criticizing my own first thoughts, and ask: 'What is the what that any of us have always been?'  A lesbian now, an FTM in the past? I can't identify anyone but a contemplative kid in this picture.

I came to the FTM meeting hoping to find similar pictures. The theme of the night was, "The Way We Were: What We Were Like As Kids." Guys brought pictures of themselves in Halloween costumes, reading in a field, or standing proudly in front of a car wash. But I did not see other pictures of the awkward or trans kid I intended to show with my photo.

The guys didn’t necessarily want to talk about trans childhoods, either. Halfway through the session, the conversation stayed focused on a member's question about declaring himself as male or female on his work's health insurance form.

And I left the support group more confused than ever. I'd hoped the guys there might share stories like those I read of many FTMs, similar to my picture: stories of childhood "body dysphoria," "tomboyishness," and awkwardness in dresses.

Looking at our childhood pictures in search of who we are now, is a common practice in our "community" - and what a complicated community it is! It's a way for us to relate with each other and foster community. And this website is a marvelous case in point: 'You, too? That tomboy is what it means to be gay?'

But to me, being gay means we have the gift of thinking critically about gender role stereotypes. I don't want what was imposed on me repeated, when my mother and sister cornered me in the living room, yelling about the trans-related books I brought home. My sister said, 'May, you've always been a lesbian!
We've always known it! All of us!'

But who was she to know my experiences or my childhood desires to be a boy? Or understand the confusion I felt seeing my own reflection, or what it felt like to bind my chest, or have sex? I felt so confused that I couldn't put words to what I felt, and so how could she?

And if I don’t want others to impose stereotypes on me, how can I impose them on myself? I look at my childhood and consider: I am lesbian now, and I have been other things. I've been a kid (like many lesbians, FTMs, and even straight women), who wanted to be a boy. I have been trans. I have been something I didn't know.

Was I looking to my childhood photo for an answer because was I afraid of being trans, or being gay? Does our sense that it must be wrong now make us search for those reasons? The "It's nature" argument is fundamental to many of us, to explain ourselves to family, friends, and much of America. We can’t help it, and so we should be allowed to be who we are.

But shouldn't we be allowed to be whoever we want to be? Trans, a man, a woman, whoever we were, and whoever we are now? The ultimate sexual and gender freedom will involve the freedom to change.
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Aaron

Aaron, age 8

Southwest, IN (2001)

This is my 3rd grade production of "Pecos Bill." I KILLED that role, but remember being a little irritated that the play ended with me marrying
Sweet Sue. What I'm twirling is a giant "snake" - take from that what you will.

"Red bandana thankfully *not* a premonition of things to come"

After this, I was bitten by the acting bug and kept busy in children's theater and choir in a bigger town near me, which gave me an outlet for my creative energy and flamboyance.

When I reached 7th grade, I was hit with the trio of pubescent awkwardness: fat, glasses, and braces. This, combined with my flagrant swishiness,
did me no favors growing up in a small, farming-and-mining, Bible-belt town.


I came out when I was 14 (although I'd known for years before then), and I remember my mom being terrified for me. All she could think to say at first was that I couldn't tell anyone else, that I should at least try to pretend with girls, etc.

My parents and family became extremely supportive - they're founding members of PFLAG! - and were a godsend through the dark days of junior high.

I dropped everything artsy except choir by the time I reached high school and favored academic teams. This led me to my saving grace – volunteering for the Obama campaign in Indiana, with a bunch of post-menopausal, progressive, LGBT-friendly women. Through the campaign and other kinds of Democratic, environmental, and pro-choice activism since then, I found my meaning in life.

If I hadn't been gay in my environment, I don't think I would have found it in me to care so much about politics, and how the people I can help elect can drastically change my world for the better. For that, I'm extremely grateful.

I'm finishing high school now, and am going to either Harvard or Stanford this fall to major in political science. Although show choir is about the limit of my arts activity today, I still think of the days when I could become whoever I wanted to be on stage. I think that played a big part in helping me have the courage to become the man I am today.

Aaron's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Hayden Christensen (Anakin Skywalker in "Attack Of The Clones")

He seemed so sweet and cute then, although I cringe if I see the movie now

Mark

Mark, age 8
West Orange, New Jersey (2000)

My childhood, or at least when the picture was taken, is a lot more recent than most of the other submissions on this site. As I sit here typing this, as an 18-year old college student finishing up his winter break, I just want to thank all of those who submitted before me. And, for allowing me, only slightly younger, to grow up in a fairly accepting environment.

"Even the dog was impressed by this confused mini-diva!"

When searching for a picture, I tried to find one of me and my older brothers, to show how important they are in my life. We're in pictures together a lot, but I couldn't find one that expressed how I really felt as a kid - which was alone.

I love my brothers greatly. But even now (and more so as children), they were always together, and I felt like a polar opposite.

I always felt different. Because I am different.

I think this picture reflects two things about my childhood:
On one hand, I'm flexing my imaginary biceps in an attempt to be like my very athletic brothers. On the other hand, my pose makes it humorously clear what my true colors are.

Ya know, about what I wrote above: I felt alone throughout most of my childhood until high school, but my best friend is in the picture with me.
It's my dog Micky, who's about a year old in this picture. And a decade later, he's lying on the floor next to me.

I'm grateful that I had him there to cuddle with through the fights, the confusion, the uncertainty, the breakups, the friendships, and my coming out process in the 8th grade. He was even with me as I headed off to the University of Maryland.

While my brothers couldn't be with me in this picture, they're still always there to support me in everything I do, along with the rest of my family.

And if I have a message, it's this:
I hope that LGBT kids younger than me can grow up in an even more accepting and loving environment like the one I had.

Mark's first famous person same-sex crushes:
Jesse McCartney
Christopher Knight (Peter Brady on "The Brady Bunch")
He was always clumsy, and there was this one episode where he was embarrassed about puberty. Ha! He had no idea!
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Bryce

Bryce, age 6

Redding, CA (2000)

"Smile, you're going to grow up to be gay!"

I remember I liked my mom's makeup and clothes.

I used to wear button-up shirts around my waist as a skirt, and dance and sing to Britney Spears.

I loved wearing this exact outfit a lot, because they were short shorts, and I felt girly.

I first felt different in 3rd grade, when I learned what "gay" was.

Bryce's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Zac Efron
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