Raymond

Raymond, age 7

Madison, KS (1988)

When I first came across this picture looking through the old family album with my mother, the only thing I could say was: "Mother, you can't tell me you didn't know. I mean really: a pink tank top and short shorts?" She looked at me and laughed, and said that she had always known.

Growing up, I always knew I was different.
I wasn't interested in getting girlfriends like my brothers did. I was too busy watching sappy love stories on TV, and playing Barbies with my sister and her best friend.

In junior high, I really started to hide who
I was, because that's when the name-calling started. It wasn't really said to my face, but
I heard people talking behind my back.

I do feel that I had a pretty good childhood.
I had friends and loved my family. I'm 1 of 4 kids, with an older brother and sister, and a younger brother.

At 18, I decided it was finally time to come out of the closet and let the world know exactly who I was. And I was scared out of my mind!

One night, I went to my parents' house around 2:00 in the morning. I went in their bedroom, woke them up, blurted out that I was gay, and out the door I ran!

By the time I got back home, the phone was ringing. I reluctantly answered it, and it was my mother. The first thing she said was she loved me, and that they had always known. And my response was, "Then why didn't you tell me, so I didn't have to tell you?"

My entire family has been great with the whole thing, and never once looked down on me because of who I am. I know they love me and my partner, just as much as they love my other siblings and their significant others.

Raymond's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (on "Saved By The Bell")

Patrick Swayze (in "Dirty Dancing")
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Jeff

Jeff, age 10

Wichita, Kansas (1971)

I can't remember a time when I wasn't attracted to other guys. Lucky for me, my little sister had a Barbie Dream House and a stack of Tiger Beat magazines.

"I loved Abba!"

In grade school, I hated sports. The other boys used to make fun of me for preferring art class instead of football.

I finally joined the track team, to please my mom and convince my friends that I was somewhat masculine.

HATED IT...

Being gay was completely unacceptable in my family in the 1970's.

So I spent my youth hiding my true feelings, and trying to please everyone but myself.


In my late teens, I was wracked with the desire to be with another young man, but had no idea how to go about it without blowing my cover.

Luckily, I had met a gay man when I was 17. He spent the next three years trying to convince me that I was gay, despite my complete and utter denial.

I accepted his invitation to visit California that summer, and landed right in the middle of the gayest place in the USA! I came out at the 1983 San Francisco Gay Pride Parade. I will never forget "What A Feeling" by Irene Cara, blaring loudly from a parade-float full of shirtless men in the middle of Market Street!

Jeff's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Donny Osmond

His black hair and pearly white teeth filled me with such desire.

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Jon

Jon, age 10

Leawood, Kansas (1990)

I got my love of reading from my mother, pictured with me enjoying our mutual hobby. Here, I'm reading a Babysitter's Club book. Reading books "meant for girls" caused teasing by my sister and bullies at school, but I didn’t care.

I read all of those books, as well as Judy Blume's "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret." I found myself re-reading the sections in it where Margaret and her girl friends talked about their budding attractions to boys. In hind sight, I was drawn to those sections, because I was experiencing the same feelings as Margaret and her friends.

I knew what "gay" was by the time I was 11 or so, but since boys used it to insult one another, I refused to even consider that I might be that word.

I always felt different, because I hated sports and never understood why other boys were obsessed with them. My interests were indoor activities such as board games. I was fortunate that I was able to use this interest to socialize with other boys after school. 

My mother and I became close during my teenage years when my sister moved away for college, and it was just she and I at home. Regrettably, I never had the chance to come out to her. She passed away from cancer when I was 19. I spent the next year both grieving her loss and accepting that being gay was okay.

I often find myself imagining the conversation my mother and I never had, trying to imagine what her response would've been. My best guess is she would have had some sleepless nights thinking how this would affect my life, as well as hers. But, I am 100% sure that she would have loved and accepted me without hesitation! I can even envision her marching with PFLAG in a pride parade!

Today, I'm 31, happy, and have been with my partner for 7 years.
And I cannot imagine my life any other way!

Jon's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Burt Ward (Robin on "Batman")

Mark-Paul Gosselaar ("Saved By The Bell")

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Dennis

Dennis, age 8

Natoma, Kansas (1966)

Summer of 1966 was my certain summer. That's me on the left and my cousin Ranny on the right. He was from the big city (Denver) and was spending the summer on our farm in western Kansas. This was a big deal for me, as I didn’t have many friends, and was already branded a sissy by my small town peers.

In the photo, I'm wearing my favorite shorts, cotton twill with an elastic waist.
They were so much more comfortable than cut-off jeans! Ranny had a similar pair, and one afternoon I told him, 'Wear your shorts with no underwear and meet me in the hayloft.' The love of being naked is one I have to this day

I don’t know how many times we revisited the hayloft, to just shed our clothes and revel in the air on our bodies. One time, I heard my mother calling as she was climbing the ladder! I hid behind the bales of hay, but she knew I was there, as my shorts were lying at her feet. Ranny just stood there, having wisely stayed in his clothes that day.

I slunk out, the guilty look on my face confirming everything. She hadn’t caught us doing anything, but she didn’t have to. She knew, all her fears realized. She marched me downstairs, refusing to let me get dressed. Pulling a leather strap from the tack room, she bent me over and whipped me, racked with sobbing.

That evening, my father had a quiet talk with me. Which was unusual, as he usually wielded the belt and my mother did the talking. I'm sure he thought he had the most difficult task that day.

Ranny and I never talked about it. I don't know if he turned out to be gay, as he was killed in a car wreck at 16.

After that, I realized that the things kids had called me and what I was feeling were connected. And my parents had just confirmed what I already knew: that I had to keep it a dirty secret. I tamped it down by being the best little boy I could. Though not too good, lest I draw attention to myself.

In high school I sought refuge in the church, but by my senior year realized I was just running away from the obvious. One more year and I could be free!
I dumped the church and started looking for colleges with gay student groups.

Today, my mother still won't talk to me about my sexuality.
She says she'd be just as uncomfortable talking to my brother about his marriage.

Dennis' first, famous-person same sex crush:

Doug McClure (in "The Virginian")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Rod

Rod, age 10

Great Bend, Kansas (1978)

I was a sensitive boy with a flair for fashion. In grade school, my friend Kelly told me I shouldn't be wearing my mother's jewelry to school. As a baby, I wanted a Raggedy Anne doll to play with in the pool, but had to settle for Mickey Mouse.

"Go TEAM!!!"

My mom wanted to name me Robin, but my father thought it was too "girlish."

Looking at this pic, I have a few thoughts: God bless Jimmy Connors' tennis clothing. They made the cutest short-shorts and matching shirts - which made my thighs look so thin. And thank you Izod, for the beautifully matched socks.

As you can see, I loved being really matched up (note the socks in the sandals). And I loved that my shorts resembled a cheerleader skirt.
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