Russ

Russ, age 17
Springfield, Virginia (1982)

While I look like a happy go lucky teenager, that was just not the case at this time. I was in such turmoil about my sexuality, I often contemplated hurting myself.

I was raised in a very religious home. The bumper sticker on my car behind me says, "His Banner Over Us is Love" - and I was horribly conflicted as a teenager.

Thankfully, I soldiered through it all, and I am now a successful CFO of a
multi-million dollar company. And my partner and I will soon celebrate our
16 year anniversary, and life is so, so very good now.

If I only could have know all that was awaiting me back then! :-)
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Matthew

Matthew, age 3
Virginia Beach, VA (1992)

As a kid, I fondly remember the memories I have of playing with my Barbies.
I loved girly things, and I was always carrying my dolls around with me in my big pink Barbie suitcase. And my first love was the Black Power Ranger.

I didnt realize I was different until 4th grade, when a boy called me gay. And he stole my innocence that day.

I didn't like myself from then on, well until I was around age 16.

If there is one thing I could tell myself back then, and other young gay kids now, it is this:

Love yourself, and be who ever you want to be. Because until you love yourself, how can you expect anyone to love you back? It's hard, but dry those tears - it does get better.

One day you to will find someone who loves you exactly as you are.

Looking back on this photo, I'm proud. I'm proud I wasn't afraid to express my love for beautiful things, just as I'm not afraid to express it now.

I am me, myself, and I - and I was born this way after all.

Now, I'm in my 20's and I'm engaged to marry my partner.
And he's my personal Power Ranger now! :)

Matthew's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Walter Jones (the first "Black Power Ranger")
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Also check out "My First Gay Crush Blog"

Jay

Jay, age 6
Sterling, Virginia (1984)

Childhood was a great time and a rough time for me. My parents allowed me to be who I was. But the world wasn't always so great with the concept.

I don't think of my story as all that special, but it floors most people who hear it for the first time.

If Disney made a movie about me, it may be closest to "Pinocchio" - but without the weird kids-taking-that-donkey-acid-trip scene.

Simply put (and here's the big reveal), I dreamed every night of waking up as a real boy. 

But I was not born a wooden puppet.

I was born a little girl.


I was a very loved child, but I was also wildly misunderstood by many, myself included. It took about 23 years for me to figure it all out.

I had unbelievable support from my family and the friends I kept close. And especially from my spouse, sister, mom and dad. But I kept a lot of people at a distance along the way. I still struggle with finding the right way to tell people.

Being who I am means being a Dad, a husband, a brother and a son. But it's tough to figure out why or how to divulge this layer of my past without it consuming perceptions and shifting realities.

But the truth is, kids out there are going through the same things I went through. And they - or their friends and family - are reading this blog.

So for those young ones going through the things I went through, know this:

Your night-time wish can be your future, too. And your mom and dad may one day call you their son with the same pride they had back then. Maybe even more now, since you've given them grandkids.

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Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Kelly

Kelly, age 2

Lynchburg, VA (1972)

I knew I was different when most of my friends in school were girls. I also had a flare for fashion, as the kid in parachute pants and skinny black leather tie.
I could not go to a Prom in just a black tux, I had to have color. As a pre-teen,
I "experimented" as most boys do. But the summer before 9th grade, I spent the night over at a friend's house for a couple nights.

"Did my mom really think I wouldn't be gay?"

We found dirty magazines in his older brother's drawers, and we commented on the guys. A few hours later, he broached the subject of 'testing' the waters.

I said okay, with the stipulation that if I did not like it, I didn't have to return the favor. We fooled around, and from that point on, I definitely knew I was different.

Through the rest of high school, I had a few girlfriends. In my freshman year of college, I got a summer retail job and started getting hit on by guys there, but I just tried to avoid it. But, I met a guy around my age, and we ended up going out secretly. For over 13 years, we would sneak around. He was out, but I was not - and as I got into a high profile job, I could not come out.

Then, September 11, 2001 really woke me up. At that point I decided I needed to get out more, which meant visiting my "secret" friend in Washington, DC. We really clicked, and I decided that if anyone asked, I would tell them the truth. After 9 months, I quit my job and moved to DC to be with him. Eventually though, we both realized we were better off being friends and not lovers.

At age 32, and after burning through my 401k and too much alcohol and drugs, I broke down. I drove 5 hours to my mom's house in Southern, VA. I was a nervous wreck, but I spilled the beans to her. We cried, and though she said she did not approve, she made it clear she loved me. She also told me not to tell my father (they were divorced), so I didn't tell him.

I'm now in Richmond, VA and out and open. I met Jeff in 2002, and we've been together ever since. In 2010 we got married legally in Washington DC with my best friend as my best man. Our beautiful reception included friends, fraternity brothers, co-workers, and most importantly, my dad, step-mom, brother & niece.

Having to make this short, I just have to say to anyone:
I was fortunate to have very cool and open-minded friends. Though my mother still does not approve, she still visits, and gives Jeff a Christmas present every year. And just my dad just officially knowing within the last year has been awesome. My brother, who even lived with us for a while, has been a great bridge to my family and making it easier to cope.

I am out at work and somewhat active in the gay community here in Richmond. To say there have not been some rough spots professionally and personally would be a lie, but each rough patch has made me learn and made me stronger.

It is such a great feeling to have the weight of hiding who I am off my shoulders, and be able to live openly. I was born this way, and I love it!

Kelly's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Tom Cruise (in "Risky Business")

Jeremy

Jeremy, age 6

Harrisonburg, VA (1977)

I was a helplessly creative kid. My mother remembers before I could even speak I was humming TV themes. From "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" to "That Girl"
I could out hum any toddler in the mid-Atlantic! I loved to sing, play pretend, and emulate my childhood hero - Wonder Woman! No other boy I knew could do the Diana Prince twirl like me - but then again, I don't recall many trying.

"Make your own kind of music, sing your own special song..."

Most of you are probably uttering a collective 'Well, duh!' right now. But as a child I didn't know I was gay. I just knew that in some way, I was special.

My parents didn't restrict my expression in any way. I owned a Barbie doll, played with Ken, and inherently - but indescribably - I knew I preferred to date Ken.

The once nonjudgmental and free social realm of preschool, changed for me in kindergarten.

The room had two plays areas - one for girls, one for boys. The girls' side had all the fun stuff like Raggedy Ann, baby dolls, and tea sets. While the boys' side had the less than thrilling array of dump trucks, airplanes and Lincoln Logs.

I remember walking directly to the girls side to pick up Raggedy Ann. One of the girls reprimanded me and said 'You go to that side. That's where the boys play!'
I remember my little heart sinking in a way that I couldn't describe for many many years. Needless to say, at least publicly, I followed suit. Privately, I was caught up in Wonder Woman, Marlo Thomas, Helen Reddy, & Barbra Streisand.

My real life male crushes continued through childhood and early adulthood. Being completely in the closet, I relegated these romances as creative short-stories written in my notebook. And kept far from the eyes of my sisters and family. All I knew back then was that I was alone. I knew I wasn't a "freak" but didn't know how to explain it. And if anyone ever discovered my secret, I would somehow die.

Being a teen in the mid-80's was not fun for me. Kids would joke that gays "had AIDS" and were going to hell. If I were to come out, would I have AIDS too?  Would I die? I didn't necessarily believe in Hell, but it sounded pretty scary too.
I know this sounds irrational now, but in my quiet secret world these seemed like real and terrifying realities. Also, my family had fractured back then when my father came out of the closet. Suddenly we seemed like a family of talk-show guests full of anger and pain.

I came out of the closet in my early 20's soon after graduating college. It seemed then my other friends, who'd been on the same journey with me the whole time, were coming out as well. It was like we'd all been through the same periods of fear and denial, but didn't have the voice to help each other until we grew up.

When I came out to my mother, she said, 'Well, I've known since you were a child. I just wanted you to feel comfortable telling me yourself' - and it was like the weight on my shoulders sprouted in to wings! I knew I would never have to go back to hiding. 

Now at 40 and in a 13-year relationship with a wonderful man, I look at this pic and think of Mama Cass' song, "Make Your Own Kind Of Music". It's a humbling reminder I did exactly that back then, 'Even if nobody else sings along'.

To the generation of young GLBT kids today:

I suggest they always follow that advice. To parents today, I ask you to allow your kids to make the best music you've ever heard in your life!

Jeremy's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Rick Springfield (on "General Hospital")

Robert Reed ("The Brady Bunch")

Plus Ricky Schroeder, Tom Selleck, and the ever-untouchable David Hasselhoff.

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Matt

Matt, age 6

Virginia Beach, Virginia (1975)

I spent a lot of time in my youth climbing trees and running around in the woods. I used to run around the house with my arms up and my wrists out like Wonder Woman while wearing my mom's long white nightgowns, which must have been a very funny sight. I remember this period in my life as incredibly free and happy with abundant potential and creativity. I felt very loved and safe, and was only aware of the difference in myself from other boys as something of a gift, or something special that made me well, me!

"I believe in Magic, Rainbows, and Unicorns"

This was also the year I briefly joined - and was kicked out of - the Cub Scouts, a "Christian" group that admittedly - freaked me out. Being raised Jewish, my first impression of Christians was noticing the dead man nailed to a stick around some of their necks.

The contrast in the smiling welcoming faces that wore this gore was such a contradiction, and it really scared the sh*t out of me.

One Cub Scout meeting was at a Baptist Church. 15 or 20 other kids my age and older were sitting in a circle, talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up: firemen, astronauts, bee farmers, or the Incredible Hulk.

When it came to me I honestly told the room: 'My husband is going to be a policeman, and I'll be living in a 3-bedroom house, with flowers and a beagle - and I'll make the best ice cream in the world.'

My suspicion about not fitting in was solidified at that moment.

Everyone got upset, and the Scout Master started yelling at me - 'You can't do that! You're an abomination, a monster!' - and my personal favorite - 'Devil Child!' (you know the drill).

The Scout Master then made me sit outside on the front steps of the church by myself, while they finished their meeting. As night crept in, I remember feeling so lonely and afraid. I must have been out there for a couple hours by the time the meeting ended.

When all the laughing kids came spilling out of the church and into their parents' cars, I asked the Scout Master about calling my mom to let her know the meeting had ended. And he loudly declared 'Oh, I KNOW whoever put you up to this is coming to get you!' Then he left me alone, at night, sitting in front of this locked church, in the dark. I had to get the janitor that came later, to call my mom.

When she got there she couldn't believe my story (I guess it was really all too fabulous?) and she insisted I must have done something wrong.
'Nobody would leave a child your age by himself! I know you're lying!'

When we got home and she called the Sadist in Question, she was told that he wanted nothing to do with her, and finally after she had spoken to someone in charge, we just never talked about it. However, I also remember my mom hugging me later and letting me know we didn't need those people. She was actually more supportive than I sometimes give her credit for.

When I look at this picture now, I feel so much love and respect for this child who was just so, beautiful, innocent, brave, and so deeply in touch with himself at such an early age.

I had no idea what sex was then, but I knew love.

Matt's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Gary Burghoff (Radar on "M*A*S*H")

He was so lovable and cute, I just wanted to hug him and fall asleep
with my head on his shoulder, while he held me in his arms.
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Jeremy

Jeremy, age 8

Charlottesville, VA (1989)

Five states before my move to SF, CA, I was busy practicing gay stereotypes as a jazz dance student.  This photo shows me getting amped for my dance class's annual performance. My mom says she assumed I was gay from age 6 onward. Shocker, right? Seeing this photo today cracks me up.

"Work It Out"

Even though I cared about having friends then, I was always doing my own thing. That said, I'm glad to have left my relationship with spandex back in the 80's.

Aside from all the standard stuff (friends with as many girls as boys, didn't like traditional sports, displayed tons of dramatic behavior, etc.), notable examples of my burgeoning gayness include:

• Obsessing over Jessica Rabbit in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit."  It got to the point where I would watch the movie on repeat, while drawing little scenes of myself and Jessica hanging out together.  I would cry each time the film ended, because I didn't want Jessica to go away.
   
• Obsessing over Madonna. I would choreograph dance routines to her songs and perform them for my mom's friends. My poor mother...  When Madonna's "Vogue" lost the Video Of The Year award in 1990 to Sinead O'Conner, I sobbed hysterically (see a pattern here?) and ranted at the television.

I always knew I was different, and so did other kids. I bit the bullet by coming out at age 13, and ever looked back.

Jeremy's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Dolph Lundgren ("Masters Of The Universe")
Which is weird 'cuz I don't normally go for blondes

Josh

Josh, age 5
Winchester, Virginia (1979)

This is a photo of me dressed as a witch at age 5 or so, on the sun deck at the house I grew up in. I'd like to say it was Halloween, or at least October. Typical, since I spent much of my childhood in some kind of costume or drag.

"My pretty!"

I have a vague recollection of this outfit. What I remember most is that my mother helped me make it.

I remember that blue fabric was used in many costumes by folding and draping it in different ways.

We obviously made the hat and the broom. The black gloves were hers.

My parents loved me and nurtured my creativity and never tried to dissuade my interests.

My mother once helped me make a hoop skirt. Her friends would bring me dresses that they bought at the Union Rescue Mission for cheap (loved that yellow tulle ball gown!).
 

Looking at this pic now, it looks like a stereotype. But at the time I remember being loved for being exactly who I was. And I am so grateful for that.

I always felt different. From 4 or 5 on, I really became aware of myself as different from others, especially from other boys (except for a few, but I won't name names).

I loved the Wizard of Oz and especially the Wicked Witch of the West (shocker). I remember being captivated and a little repelled by Paul Lynde on Hollywood Squares, seeing something of myself in him, and being a little afraid of it.

Thinking back, there was code like that all over. It's fun to decipher in retrospect. I finally found words that described me to myself by about middle school. I started coming out to friends in high school, exploded out of the closet in college, and I haven't looked back ever since.

Josh's first famous person, same-sex crushes:
C-3PO ("Star Wars") & Michael J. Fox ("Family Ties")
C-3PO was so sensitive! I had a cardboard wine suitcase full of
Michael J. Fox pictures I cut out of teen magazines
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Seth

Seth, age 10

Fredericksburg, Virginia (1985)

I remember that this was a weekend game night at my Mom's house. I was always trying to entertain my family. This was my best supermodel pose, way before the age of Supermodels. The terry cloth hot pants still kill me! Those were my everyday shorts, and all the other clothing was my mom's.

I also remember this was the first time my older brother, who I idolized, called me a fag.

The hardest part of being called a fag by anyone, was that I knew they were right. And I couldn't prove them wrong. And it really created a sense of doom for me.

That feeling lasted until I finally got the hell out of Virginia at age 18, and began to live MY LIFE!

I remember my first "erotic" gay dream when I was about age 7.
I dreamed that I'd won a radio station contest and Duran Duran came to my elementary school in a huge stretch limo to pick me up.

I remember that Simon LeBon was wearing shiny black leather pants, and I spent the entire limo ride rubbing his ass, almost like I was polishing it. I had no idea where we were heading, but I was heading for Simon's shiny ass!

I still love Simon. And ass.

And 20 years later I feel so blessed - and no doom in sight!

Seth's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Simon LeBon (Duran Duran)

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Jeremy

Jeremy, age 5
Bland County, VA (1986)

I don't remember the picture being taken, but I'm standing in the living room of my grandparents' house. Two of my favorite things to do when visiting them were playing with my grandma's perfume bottles and my aunts' Barbie collection, that she'd saved from childhood.

All that, and still some people were surprised when they "found out"!

My first famous crush was Andrew Stevens in "The Seduction".

An old late night cable staple, the movie was nominated for three Razzies and deserved to win every one. But Andrew Stevens (as Derek, the sexy psycho) played a significant role in my sexual coming of age.

He'll always have a special place in my crotch....er, heart.

Jeremy's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Andrew Stevens
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Britton

Britton, age 5
Richmond, VA (1983)

This is me wearing my Grandmother's wig and giving a lot of sass.

I did try to butch it up a little with the NASCAR shirt, though I think the Daisy Dukes might be a dead giveaway.

I probably would have been embarrassed about this photo 10 years ago, but now I think it is hilarious.

I was the original Golden Girl.

Britton's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Goran Ivanisevic (tennis player)
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