Austin

Austin, age 4
Novato, California (1978)

“Mom, what is gay?” That’s what left my lips one day when I returned home from kindergarten. After having been called it over and over, I kinda wanted to know what it meant. Mom did what she’s done my entire life - she told me the truth. No judgment. No shame. Just truth.

Even though I had no idea what sexual orientation was, 

I knew this much: I wasn’t going to be something people saw as different, even if I was. 

And I spent the next 20 years living up to my misguided commitment.

Through all of the bullying, teasing, hurt, and loneliness,  I fooled myself into believing if I didn’t acknowledge being gay, it wasn’t real. 

I remember looking at Ricky Schroeder on "Silver Spoons" and thinking:

"I think I ‘like’ him. But only gay boys ‘like’ other boys, so I’ll just not like him."

And I never watched "Silver Spoons" again. It was all too real. 

The only one I was fooling was myself. As was evidenced when I began my coming out at age 25. That process was both wonderful and frustrating. I didn’t have one negative reaction to my coming out, which was such a relief.

What I found frustrating was this: when you finally make the agonizing decision to come out, you want a certain kind of “TA-DAH!” moment. Well, no one was surprised. It was more like a “Well, duh!” moment. Over. And over. And over. 

It was better than the alternative, but it took me some time to get comfortable in this “new” skin, the skin everyone was aware of but me. I had to get to know myself all over again. 

I’m still in the middle of that process. During the past 15 years, I’ve been the most destroyed and most overjoyed I’ve ever been. I consider my high-highs and low-lows evidence that I’m living a full life. I’ve loved. I’ve lost. I’ve grown. I’ve learned. 

My true passion is photography, and I’ve been fortunate enough to have really beautiful subjects in front of my lens, both inanimate and human alike. I’m so proud of who I am, who I'm surrounded by, and the man I continue to become. 

As I look at this picture now, I see exactly what I want to see:
A carefree, flamboyant young boy just living in the moment. 

If I could go back and talk to my 4 year-old self, I’d say nothing more than:

“Just be yourself, kiddo. It’s going to be a fabulous ride.”

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Felix

Felix, age 5

Upstate, New York (1960)

This is a picture of me and Skeezix, my first dog.

I don't remember having any celebrity crushes at any time. Joan of Arc isn't exactly a celebrity?

But I'd say I had some role models: JFK, James Dean, Superman, Huck Finn, Robinson Crusoe, and Maynard G. Krebs.

I wish we had Rachel Maddow back then.

I had an instinctive dislike for Chuck Connors. I'd beg to stay up late, just to catch his humiliating toss from the Fort. His sword broken, buttons torn off and spat on.


I was quite sure I was different by the time I was 7 or 8, when the "birds and bees" story circulated the playground.

My first reaction was to suggest to my "best friend" a position I replicated with my hands. I made a peace sign with both hands, and connected each hand between the two fingers, aka a scissor sister.

And I said, "Well, couldn't we just.....?"
Her reaction made it quite clear, "No. We can not"

Later in life, I was lucky enough to come of age in the San Francisco area in the early 1970's. Now, I've found a role model called "Hothead Paisan" in a great comic book by Diane DiMassa. Wanna know what an angry dyke thinks like?

Thanks for this blog. I hope it gives some people faith to just be who they are.
And to fight for feminism. Remember, your gender is NOT determined by your sex.

Now go get out, and save the world.

PS:
Please describe me as a "gay woman" (though I am a lezzy). We are being written out of the word GAY, in the name of inclusiveness! We say "gay and lesbian" - as if a lesbian is not gay. Dogs aren't cats, right? Please think of this in terms of how the debate is framed. And thank you, again.
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Steve

Steve, age 3

Rochester, NY (1957)

I don't remember this Halloween at all, and can't imagine why my mother would put me in my sister's dress like that. But it was some foreshadowing, for sure.

I think I knew I had feelings for men around age 8. I liked my male teachers much better than the women. Not having a father figure made me look elsewhere for that male companionship.

At 12, I felt much more mature than other guys my age. I had major crushes on all cute boys, and many of the pop culture icons of the day.



The only movie images of gay men in the late 60's and early 70's were either evil villains who had to be killed, or swishing effeminate guys who were jokes. So I hid out, deep in the closet. From around age 13 to 16, I knew for certain I was different, and dreaded being gay and outed.

I only dared to have sex very discreetly, while keeping up the image of an All-American, straight jock. It wasn't till college that I really explored gay life in NYC, which then meant horrid gay-theater encounters and other closeted men.

I moved to San Francisco in 1978, and that finally allowed me to re-invent myself as a gay man. Since then I've blossomed into the person I wanted to be.

Gay youth today have it infinitely better than my generation did.
And they should take every advantage of the groundwork we laid for them.

Steve's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Bobby Sherman (singer/actor)

John

John, age 4

Flushing Meadow Park, New York (1965)

That's me in the front with my two older brothers at the 1964-65 New York World's Fair. My father was the manager of the General Motors Futurama exhibit, and we would spend every other weekend visiting the fair.

Even barely 4-years old, I can remember being obsessed with those sunglasses.

My father told me it was bad for my eyes to wear sunglasses indoors. Otherwise, I would have worn them all the time.

I suppose this picture reminds me that I have always been a bit different.


I became aware of my attraction to boys my own age around 11, but I didn't really start coming out to friends or family until I was 20; no one was surprised.

And I was lucky, because only one friend had trouble with my coming out, and he got over it. Both my brothers, my parents, and my family were (and are) supportive of who I am. And being gay is just one of the things I am.

I'm 49 now and live in San Francisco. My life is not perfect, but I am mostly happy. And I have friends - many who are gay, and many who are not - and they all know who I am.

Of all the challenges of my life, being gay hasn't been a problem. I think if anything, being gay has turned out to be a positive thing. Growing up different means having to discover yourself in ways that 'normal' people don't.

I was born this way, and I'm happy with who I am.

And, you will find that being who you are is part of being happy.

John's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Guy Williams (the dad on "Lost In Space")
I think I became fascinated with him watching re-runs of the show.
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Jimmy

Jimmy, age 11

Randle, Washington (1993)

Growing up in a small town the size of a highway was never easy. Boys definitely played boy roles, and girls played girl roles. And I was caught in the middle, and always felt closer with girls my whole life. I also felt I had to be a girl in order to be with a boy, and I didn't know what "gay" was. I had that feeling until age 11, and then my mindset changed, and I finally stopped asking God why.

I figured out that I liked who I was, and I could be with a boy and stay a boy. I never felt like I was a girl, so why change that?

I was always teased because I was much more feminine than anyone else in my school.

I always tried to act tougher, but it was never me, nor did it fool anybody. And when I tried to change who I was, it only made things worse.

But along with the teasing, threats ruled my life. I came home from school many times crying, running into my mother's arms. And, asking her what a "f*g" was.

I'm lucky that my mom and dad were always there for me. Maybe it's because they saw what I went through daily, or that I had a bit more skip to my step.

Now every step I take is with my head held high, instead of looking towards the ground and hoping nobody screams anymore names at me. 

All the good and the bad from my childhood made me the man who I am today, and I love that person. I left that small town and now live in San Francisco, where I can walk down any street holding my partner's hand without fear.

In the near future we hope to adopt and expand our family, and we've been chatting about it on our blog, DaddiesJourney. In the end, it was all worth it.

Jimmy's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Mario Lopez (on "Saved By The Bell")

I remember growing up and dreaming about Slater
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Matt

Matt, age 7

Southington, Connecticut (1987)

Always an over-achiever, I can be seen here demonstrating not one but two simultaneous limp wrists. The fabulousness has clearly blinded my brother.

Even at this age, I would tell other kids that I was gay. I didn't know what it meant, but I knew it was bad and won me lots of attention. The fact that it got me negative attention didn't matter.

Around age 15, I realized, 'Oh, wait -- I really AM gay.'
And typical teen angst ensued.

For a while, I just wanted to hide from it. But that 7-year-old pride parade in my heart couldn't be stifled. And by 11th grade, I'd made a promise to myself that if anyone asked, I'd be honest.

Unfortunately, my schoolmates decided that the gym-class locker room would be the time that they'd asked me.

"Why do you wear nail polish?'" someone demanded.
"Ummmmm," I said.
"Are you gay?"
"Uh ... yes, but that's not why."

I think this particular nuance was lost in the ensuing bedlam. But I was actually pretty lucky, as there was minimal physical violence after that, and nothing bad enough to leave a mark. And my family and friends have been very supportive.

These days, my husband and I have been together for 10 years, and my parents, my brother, his wife, and the entire clan all welcome and love him.

And that little 7-year-old is still running around inside me, telling everyone that I'm gay with absolutely no reservations.

Matt's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Dean Cain (on "Lois & Clark")

Craig

Craig, age 8

Simsbury, Connecticut (1970)

Here I am wearing my mom's Polly Bergen wig, pretending to be a hippie at a pot party. My mom was an actress, and I was in-utero for her performance of Buttercup in HMS Pinafore. She was supposed to be "Sweet Little Buttercup" - but because she was so pregnant with me, they padded her sides to make her look like Fat Little Buttercup. Or perhaps Knocked Up Little Buttercup?

The following year, I was breast fed by Mad Margaret. Could we see the handwriting on the wall? I loved theater and used to cue my mom for her roles, like my personal favorite, Aldonza in Man of La Mancha.

"You're a woar..."
"No honey, it's pronounced whore. HOAR... now never say it..."

Back then, I loved the movie Tommy, and was crushing out on Roger Daltrey. But I also crushed on Ann-Marget, hard. I guess I was conflicted? Or Gemini.

Or both!

Advice for young gay kids now is:

Just be the beautiful person you are, however that shakes out. Do not let ANYONE define you other than you. Our greatest gift is our humanity; the bravest choice is to be beautifully imperfect and human - which makes perfect sense in a paradoxical world.

Namaste, I honour the God/Goddess/Light/Intelligence in You. As is.

Craig's first, famous-person same sex crush: Rogert Daltrey
Plus Lindsey Buckingham, and Brad Davis in "Midnight Express"
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Renee

Renee, age 11

Tiburon, California (1994)

This photo was from a backpacking trip I did with my dad. I wanted short hair so badly back then, but my mom wouldn't let me cut my hair. So my dad snuck me into a cool hair salon on Haight Street in San Francisco to get it all cut off. Badass.

"Happy Trails!"

From as early as I can remember I knew I was different. I would look in the mirror and say it out loud: I'm different from the other kids. It took a seductive Spanish teacher in my senior year in high school for me to fully understand what that difference was.

As a kid, I was a total tomboy. I looked to the boys at my school to figure out what clothes I should wear and I remember begging my mom for boxer shorts in 5th grade. I always preferred climbing trees, hunting for bugs under rocks, and getting dirty, to normal girl activities.

I will admit, however, that I did own a few Barbies. The lack of a Ken doll definitely provided for some early sexual experimentation. I didn't know I was gay at this time, but I knew I was different and I was OK with it. I liked it.

Renee's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Demi Moore (in "GI Jane")

Carrie Ann Moss (in "The Matrix")
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Greg

Greg, age 4
San Francisco, California (1987)

I won't say that it goes without saying that my San Francisco preschool was pretty, um, laid back. But it was. I remember field trips where we would all pile into Jane's (the Grace Slick look-a-like head of the school) Ford-whatever station wagon and drive while singing folk tunes. It was like a Benetton ad on wheels.

"Hey, Mom!"

The other item of note in this flashback is that the car always had a unique skunky smell which, at 3 years old,
I couldn't quite pinpoint. That car is one of four main things I remember most about the school.

Also, it had a great garden which I meticulously tended to. It's where I discovered the joy of Cup-O-Noodles, and in the front of the school, there was a dress-up corner which I frequented.

This photo was taken by my mom in that corner, when she came to pick me up one day.

All-in-all, I think if nothing else it shows how fashion forward I am even at such a young age.

I don't think there was ever a time when I didn't know I was gay. I had a girl crush in 1st grade - but it was 1st grade so I don't count it. I loved watching WWF on Sunday mornings, but mostly for the wrestlers.

I didn't come out to my parents until I was 15 and, surprisingly, they didn't take it so hot at first.

Now, 13 years later, everything's dandy and my mom dug up this gem a few years back. I think it's absolutely hilarious and clearly a testimony to the importance of quality pre-kindergarten education.

There's no telling how I would have learned that my hair looks good
in wide-brimmed grass hats without Jane's guidance.

Greg's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Antonio Sabato Jr.

I think my first crush would have been the now-defunct International Male catalog. I was also a big fan of my Dad's surfing magazines.

Mason

Mason, age 2
San Francisco, California (1990)

I don't remember much of myself at age 2 - but apparently I was rougher than most boys, and yet I was still very prissy.

My favorite color was red and I adored Mickey Mouse.

I was also fond of bowties and frequently attempted to take off my shirt at the beach.

I came out as Bi around age 12, and later changed this to lesbian in my early 20's.

I currently identify myself as a Bi-Gender Queer and I use the name Paulina.


It's just so telling: You can see a real boyish playfulness, but there's an underlying bit of gay. I mean, a limp wrist at age 2 - really?!
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Rolo

Rolo, age 6

San Francisco, California (1973)

I don't have any memories about this picture.

But looking back on old photos, I see that I was very expressive in my hands and arm poses.

Funny though - looking back, I'm loving it!

I'll probably bring the arm poses out again in current photos!

By the way - that's not a wet stain on my crotch. It's shiny material, and it's just the way the shadow plays with the creases.

Rolo's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Robert Urich ("Dan Tanna")
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Waiyde

Waiyde, age 5
Indianapolis, Indiana (1966)

Late spring. Easter celebration. Irish-Catholics love to wear white during Easter. This was the year I knew I was different. I'd always felt like I had more feelings than my rough 'n tumble cousins and brothers. I liked to paint, color, make up stories, and I was precocious and reading by the time I was age 4.

"Please note my jaunty ascot/necktie action and my oh so ready to contemplate
the world and fashion dreamy stare into space. I am 5 - and queer"

I used to look at this photo (and others like it) and wonder just how this sweet-faced boy turned into such a rough-assed, punk rock, fight/f*ck, queer man.

But - I now know that much of that was an undiscussed reaction to all the homophobic commentary my 'sensitive' nature evoked from my fellows.

Today, I look at this photo of me, and I think that this boy is still inside me -
and I quite like him being a part of me.

Waiyde's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Cartoon Crush - Race Bannon on "Johnny Quest"
Race was always shirtless and attentively at Dr. Quest's side and I thought they were a couple and Johnny & Haji were their kids. No women on that show, ever. When I told my older brother about it at 6, he laughed and told me no one lived like that and I was stupid. Little did he know, right?

Human Crush - Robert Conrad on "The Wild, Wild West"

He was ripped, furry, butch as f*ck in super tight pants and often half naked and loved to fight. He reminded me of the crazy sexy Black-Irish types that populated my family & neighborhood, whose white skin was always peppered w/freckles and dusted w/dark hair on well developed working-class chests and stomachs. Super dreamy.
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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