Kurt & Matt

Kurt & Matt, age 5
Springfield, Oregon (1990)

I'm here on the left with my twin brother, Matt. I guess my experience has been different from most others, in that I didn't really realize that I was gay until probably middle school. Even then, I wasn't ready to admit it to myself or anyone else until I was a senior in high school.

When I stumbled upon this picture at my dad's house, my first thought was,
"How did you all NOT know we were gay?" Especially when we spent so much time playing Cinderella - and need I even mention my purple My Little Pony, which was my most prized and beloved gift on Christmas day in 1987?

My brother and I have been really lucky to have a supportive family and friends. And thankfully, we haven't experienced any of the nightmare scenarios you too often hear about, when people begin the process of coming out.

Maybe if we'd stayed in the Mormon church, things would be different. But we stopped attending when around 8-years old, and we haven't looked back.

Growing up, I never thought that if I came out as gay, that my mom would soon be saying to me, "You should go talk to that cute gay guy at Starbucks."

But she did. And kids, it really does get better - so hang in there!
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Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Matt

Matt, age 8

Oxnard, CA (1993)

I can tell you the moment when I knew something was "different" about me.
It was around the time of this photo, and I was with a group of boys the same age and slightly older. One of the older boys took his shirt off, and I couldn't stop staring. The exact thought that ran through my head was, 'What is happening? Why can't I take my eyes off of him?'

As years passed, many issues of Tiger Beat read, letters to Jonathan Taylor Thomas written, and countless viewings of "Steel Magnolias," I was still in the proverbial closet. And I had no clue.

In high school, I had a crush on the head cheerleader, but secretly longed for the football captain. It was, give or take, around this moment that I knew I was not different.

I was gay.

I didn't come out until I was 20-years old. And my foot was completely out of the closet door when I told my parents at 21.

Telling my parents was the hardest part, but with the reassurance of my amazing sister and two older cousins, I knew everything would be OK.

I can only hope they know how important their support was during this time. Looking back on those years, I cringe just thinking about how alone and isolated I made myself.



I was so wrapped up in my own head, I failed to realize all the people around me that loved me, for me. If I could do it all over again, I would never forget that.

So to those of you now:

Please enjoy Tiger Beat, watching "Steel Magnolias," and remember that people love you, for you. And you were indeed born this way, and it's a beautiful thing!

Now, if only I had the other picture of me, wearing a bra with two baseballs in each cup!
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Matt

Matt, age 9

Schaumburg, Illinois (1983)

I'm Matt, and this photo was shot while I was visiting my cousin in Phoenix, and her neighborhood friend came by for a swim. The following is my story...

I remember during recess, running around pretending to be Wonder Woman. After school on Fridays, I would sleepover at my cousin's who only had Barbie dolls to play with.

I was juggled around A LOT as a kid, due to my mother being terminally ill with MS, and my father working the 2nd shift at the airport. Because of this, I didn't have many friends and had always been a shy loner.

Junior High came around, and that meant changing/showering in front of other boys during gym class. I knew for sure now, that I was more attracted to them than I was to girls. My parents might have also sensed this, as they promptly enrolled me in a Catholic high school.

A kid on the bus once asked me whether I liked Playboy or Playgirl magazine. Not knowing what either was, I answered the latter. I figured with word "girl" in it, I was safe. The same day, a bully on the football team threw his meatball sandwich on me during lunch, but luckily a girl lent me her cardigan uniform.

It wouldn't be until a year after graduating from college that I came out to my friends, and a year after that to some of my family.

Today, I am finally comfortable with who I am and no longer feel ashamed to admit to my sexuality. It's ironic that those who knew me as a child, say they weren't surprised. Yet people I meet as an adult are usually surprised.

Perhaps I should cue the "Charlie's Angels" theme song and strike that Farrah Fawcett pose more often. Or spin around with my Lasso Of Truth?

Matt's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Gregory Harrison (on "Trapper John, MD")
Dirk Benedict (on "Battlestar Galactica" & "The A-Team")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Matt

Matt, age 7

Murfreesboro, TN (1994)

Although I was never really interested in girls, it wasn't until middle school that I realized I was gay. When I was in 6th grade, I saw Blink 182's music video for "What's My Age Again?" And in the video, the band runs all around town, naked.

It was at this point that I became intrigued by guys' bodies, and started to put the pieces together that I was gay.

I searched the internet long and hard, trying to find un-blurred pictures from that video. Alas, I was unsuccessful.

But I knew at the time, that I should be careful about what I was searching for. Because I didn't know how to clear internet search history at that point.

I admitted my homosexuality to myself early on, but I didn't completely come out until college.

Now I live out and openly, and couldn't be more happy with being honest about my sexuality.

As I look back at the picture of me with my hands on my cocked hip, my only wish is that I had come out sooner. The fears that I had at the time proved to be, for the most part, completely false.

For those struggling to come to terms with their sexuality I offer this:
Only you know when it is time to come out. But know that when you do,
you will be infinitely happier than when you were in the closet.
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Matt

Matt, age 7

Southington, Connecticut (1987)

Always an over-achiever, I can be seen here demonstrating not one but two simultaneous limp wrists. The fabulousness has clearly blinded my brother.

Even at this age, I would tell other kids that I was gay. I didn't know what it meant, but I knew it was bad and won me lots of attention. The fact that it got me negative attention didn't matter.

Around age 15, I realized, 'Oh, wait -- I really AM gay.'
And typical teen angst ensued.

For a while, I just wanted to hide from it. But that 7-year-old pride parade in my heart couldn't be stifled. And by 11th grade, I'd made a promise to myself that if anyone asked, I'd be honest.

Unfortunately, my schoolmates decided that the gym-class locker room would be the time that they'd asked me.

"Why do you wear nail polish?'" someone demanded.
"Ummmmm," I said.
"Are you gay?"
"Uh ... yes, but that's not why."

I think this particular nuance was lost in the ensuing bedlam. But I was actually pretty lucky, as there was minimal physical violence after that, and nothing bad enough to leave a mark. And my family and friends have been very supportive.

These days, my husband and I have been together for 10 years, and my parents, my brother, his wife, and the entire clan all welcome and love him.

And that little 7-year-old is still running around inside me, telling everyone that I'm gay with absolutely no reservations.

Matt's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Dean Cain (on "Lois & Clark")

Matt

Matt, age 6

Virginia Beach, Virginia (1975)

I spent a lot of time in my youth climbing trees and running around in the woods. I used to run around the house with my arms up and my wrists out like Wonder Woman while wearing my mom's long white nightgowns, which must have been a very funny sight. I remember this period in my life as incredibly free and happy with abundant potential and creativity. I felt very loved and safe, and was only aware of the difference in myself from other boys as something of a gift, or something special that made me well, me!

"I believe in Magic, Rainbows, and Unicorns"

This was also the year I briefly joined - and was kicked out of - the Cub Scouts, a "Christian" group that admittedly - freaked me out. Being raised Jewish, my first impression of Christians was noticing the dead man nailed to a stick around some of their necks.

The contrast in the smiling welcoming faces that wore this gore was such a contradiction, and it really scared the sh*t out of me.

One Cub Scout meeting was at a Baptist Church. 15 or 20 other kids my age and older were sitting in a circle, talking about what we wanted to be when we grew up: firemen, astronauts, bee farmers, or the Incredible Hulk.

When it came to me I honestly told the room: 'My husband is going to be a policeman, and I'll be living in a 3-bedroom house, with flowers and a beagle - and I'll make the best ice cream in the world.'

My suspicion about not fitting in was solidified at that moment.

Everyone got upset, and the Scout Master started yelling at me - 'You can't do that! You're an abomination, a monster!' - and my personal favorite - 'Devil Child!' (you know the drill).

The Scout Master then made me sit outside on the front steps of the church by myself, while they finished their meeting. As night crept in, I remember feeling so lonely and afraid. I must have been out there for a couple hours by the time the meeting ended.

When all the laughing kids came spilling out of the church and into their parents' cars, I asked the Scout Master about calling my mom to let her know the meeting had ended. And he loudly declared 'Oh, I KNOW whoever put you up to this is coming to get you!' Then he left me alone, at night, sitting in front of this locked church, in the dark. I had to get the janitor that came later, to call my mom.

When she got there she couldn't believe my story (I guess it was really all too fabulous?) and she insisted I must have done something wrong.
'Nobody would leave a child your age by himself! I know you're lying!'

When we got home and she called the Sadist in Question, she was told that he wanted nothing to do with her, and finally after she had spoken to someone in charge, we just never talked about it. However, I also remember my mom hugging me later and letting me know we didn't need those people. She was actually more supportive than I sometimes give her credit for.

When I look at this picture now, I feel so much love and respect for this child who was just so, beautiful, innocent, brave, and so deeply in touch with himself at such an early age.

I had no idea what sex was then, but I knew love.

Matt's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Gary Burghoff (Radar on "M*A*S*H")

He was so lovable and cute, I just wanted to hug him and fall asleep
with my head on his shoulder, while he held me in his arms.
___________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
Click to follow my blog with Bloglovin' Tweet

Matt

Matt, age 6

Connecticut (1976)

This is me at home getting, ready for my birthday party.

I definitely had crushes on boys by this point.

Mom says she always knew...

But I think the sweater was the big giveaway.

Don't you?