Nancy

Nancy, age 5
Columbus, Ohio (1961)

I was definitely a tomboy when I was young. My favorite activities were building tree houses, playing in the woods, reading adventure stories, riding my bike and playing kick ball. I hated playing with dolls, especially Barbies!

As you can see in my photo, I loved wearing comfortable, functional pants with lots of big pockets - and I still do!

My first crush on a girl was in the 6th grade, but she wasn't particularly interested in me.

Soon after that I started having boyfriends, because I had no clue that having a girlfriend was even an option.

At that time, all you saw on the television were white, straight folks.

When I was 16, I visited my cousin at his college. For lack of anything better to do, we went to a panel discussion put on by the Gay Activist Alliance. There were two women and one guy on the panel. And that experience was like a big lightbulb that went on in my head.

I spent the next 7 years looking for other lesbians, while still dating guys.
As soon as I found my first girlfriend, I gave up dating guys immediately.

It took my family a couple of years to get used to the fact that I am a lesbian.
But that was over 30 years ago!

Since then, I gave birth to a beautiful daughter (using artificial insemination), have had a great career, and been involved with my wife for 16 years.
We eventually got married in Massachusetts.

So for all you young folks reading this, listen up:
It does get better and you can have it all!
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
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Mark

Mark, age 10
Rockland, Massachusetts (1971)

This gem of a photo is me with my sisters, Sue and Maureen - with their fabulous Carol Brady shag haircuts - jealous! I violated the 'prints and stripes' rule of fashion because I could not decide between my favorite shirt and favorite pants at the time. Of course, my older sister Maureen said, "They don’t match!"

I have tried to pinpoint when I knew I was gay, but it's lost in a clutter of memories. Some go back to when I was around age five taking a bath, when my older brothers needed to pee standing at the toilet. Even then it was all I could do not to peek, and I remember being chastised for getting caught trying to look.

I was always concerned about my appearance and loved my stylish clothes, especially if I could convince my mother to buy me what I wanted rather than what she wanted. I usually got one or two choice "pieces" each year. And all my lime green, zip mock turtlenecks and purple paisley dress shirts stood out like a vintage fashion show in our family photos.

I was taunted and teased for being a sissy and faggot for most of my childhood. But I had a wonderful support system at home, with loving parents and sisters who ignored my uniqueness and who loved me for being me.

My mother was always supportive. Always. While my father would cast a disapproving eye most of the time, he never ever said anything that made me feel like I was doing something wrong.

I came out formally to my parents when I was 21, but it was a non news event since they knew I was born this way. Today, my sisters are still my best friends.

When I see kids today that remind me of me at that age, I always let them know
I think they are fabulous and fierce and to keep up the good work. I had a few adults who encouraged me like that, and thinking back I can still remember those few kind words of support.

 40 years later, that kind of encouragement still makes a big difference.
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
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Sara

Sara, age 10
Worcester, Massachusetts (1999)

The school photographer hated me because I refused to smile. He even made a note of it in my photo-packet, in case my parents got upset. They weren't though, once I explained that I wanted a "serious" picture, like the ones taken of them in the old country.

But really, my logic was: 'I'll be more handsome with a straight face and a leopard print collared shirt'.

I was teased around this age for my thick Persian accent, but more so for my androgyny. I didn't have a word for it then, but "Are you a boy or a girl?" was something I heard often.

Being the only nerdy, gay child of immigrant parents in a (trashy) white town, our family felt jealousy and resentment. All I ever wanted was to make the family proud, but I knew that my existence alone painted a target on their backs.

My parents used my good grades to excuse my gender-bending, and quickly changed the topic to that whenever the subject of my tomboy-ness came up.

My friends said "We always knew," my mom said "I don't want you to be denied ANY opportunity in life," and my dad said "Whatever makes you happy."

Personally, I never accepted the classical notions of "boys" and "girls" that they fed us in school, and neither did my peers, all of whom grew to love me. I pursued my goals and never apologized for being born a queer.

If any teens or pre-teens are reading this, just focus on your own well-being.

If you work at being a trustworthy, loving, and genuine person, those who really matter will recognize your worth, and who'll seek to earn your companionship.

Sara's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Julie Andrews in "The Sound Of Music"
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Robert

* Blogmaster's Note *
Robert is the guy who wowed us all with his Madonna "Vogue" video.
And I am thrilled to present you his "Born This Way" story. Enjoy!
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Robert, age 10
Boston, Massachusetts (1992)

This is a photo of me, my sister Jennifer, and our dogs Frisky and Chloe.
It's especially significant to me as they were born the summer I did my "Vogue" video, and their birth truly completed "our family."

Not long before I discovered Bette Davis, Diana Ross, and Madonna, I spent hours adoring Donna Summer, Laura Branigan, and the "Solid Gold" dancers.

My lone male idol as a toddler made me feel different from how I felt watching my many beloved female idols. It was Michael Jackson, who was not only my idol, he was my Prince Charming.

What I consider my "defining homosexual moment" occurred around age 4, while watching a TV special hosted by Shari Lewis. During a musical number, one of the male performers onstage happened to be gorgeous, muscular, and clad only in a loin cloth and fez. And my body tingled in a way I couldn't understand.

I had no idea why the sight gave me a feeling so utterly lovely, but the awareness was palpable enough that I have never forgotten it.

I barely knew what homosexuality was when I performed to "Vogue" at age 9.
Back then, I was precocious, but innocent: carefree, unaware, and having a blast.


People ask if my parents knew I was gay then, but they didn't know for years.
Their love for my sister and I was unconditional and overflowing. Physical safety and emotional well-being was their only concern for "how we would turn out" when we moved from childhood to adulthood.

My mother put her emphasis on honesty, while my father relentlessly instilled tolerance. Self-expression was never stifled. Whether I mimicked male or female idols was never an issue: they loved me, my uniqueness, and my ability to not try to fit an image.

I had no idea how lucky I was. I thought my upbringing was "normal."
And I hope that society is moving towards proving my inner child right.

My message to youth now is:
FEEL the power of being yourself!

Your REAL family will love YOU for who YOU are. If your biological family does not, then your REAL family has yet to be discovered.

There IS a world of love that awaits beyond the pain of growing up in a heterosexist society, so allow yourself to be excited for what lay ahead.
So please - don't give up!
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Charles

Charles, age 4
Arlington, MA (1954)

Well, here I am, 4-years old and holding on to my neighbor and best friend. Discovery was key to our relationship. Catholicism might have kept me distant from the inevitable, but the hunger was real...

Later, with my "new boyfriend" I was deliciously tormented while trying to hide my delicate naked self.

It was while changing from my swimwear into street clothes, one hot summer day at the reservoir. Oh how my neighbor BFF went crazy over that!

But I wanted to be seen, and be shared. And anything else that might have helped all this pent up, 4-year-old frustration.

"I can see your pecker!" he cried.
All this while chasing me around a lifeboat in the changing area. Sigh

And damn, I'm pushing some major basket in this shot!

Cameron

Cameron, age 16

Concord, Massachusetts (2011)

My name is Cameron. I am an FTM (female to male) transsexual.

When I was a kid, I never knew what being transgendered was. I was born a female with the name Camilla. I just thought that boys were boys, and girls were girls.

So I wore girls' clothing and kept my hair long.

But I have distinct memories of walking around the house saying 'I'm dressing like a boy' -  which meant my shirt off, and only wearing shorts and a cross necklace.

In 3rd grade, I began to tell people to abbreviate my name from Camilla to Cam, which would become the basis for choosing my male name, Cameron.

I wore girly clothes until about 5th grade, when I found myself at home in a baggy tee shirt, jeans, and a baseball cap. When I was in about 8th grade, my sister asked me one day if I would rather be a boy or a girl. I thought to myself, 'BOY' but said 'girl' because, to the best of my knowledge, I couldn't do anything about it - so why answer boy?

I remember being extremely uncomfortable when I developed breasts. One of my biggest regrets is not embracing my flat chest as a kid, because now it's gone and I have tumors instead. They're like alien objects on my body.

In 9th grade, I cut my hair short. At a school dance, girls asked me to dance, 'mistaking me' for a boy. And I realized that I didn't mind their confusion.
In fact, I liked it.

That was my first realization that I might be transgender. Coming out to my parents was tricky, though. They still don't accept me for being the man that I SHOULD have been born as. They don't understand, that every day, I wake up wishing that I was just born with the body that boys take for granted. You never know how much you have, and how much other people value what you were born with. If I had one wish, it would be to be born with the right body.

I'm still struggling with my transition to manhood, and it's a slow process. I'm starting to tell people at school, and from what I have seen, they are all getting on board with it. Although I still go by female pronouns almost everywhere, I'm looking forward to the day that I will be known as a man everywhere.

I'm so much happier now, then when I was as a girl in middle school: wondering why I hated my body, and wearing boy clothes to cover up my awkward, out of place shell.

And I know I'm only going to get happier.
I always think things will get better, for those who want it to. :)
_____________________________________________________

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May

May, age 12

Cape Cod, Massachusetts (2000)

This is the picture I clutched sitting at the local, gay community support group meeting for female-to-male trans men (FTMs). I'm on the far right, at a church retreat with my best girlfriends. I'm wearing the boys' jeans and flannel shirt that I begged my mother to buy me, and which I continue to purchase now as a gainfully employed lesbian grown-up.

When I first put on those jeans and cut my hair during college, my sense of relief was so palpable, I thought:

'God, this is what I’ve always wanted, and what I've always been.'



But I'd like to contribute to this blog by criticizing my own first thoughts, and ask: 'What is the what that any of us have always been?'  A lesbian now, an FTM in the past? I can't identify anyone but a contemplative kid in this picture.

I came to the FTM meeting hoping to find similar pictures. The theme of the night was, "The Way We Were: What We Were Like As Kids." Guys brought pictures of themselves in Halloween costumes, reading in a field, or standing proudly in front of a car wash. But I did not see other pictures of the awkward or trans kid I intended to show with my photo.

The guys didn’t necessarily want to talk about trans childhoods, either. Halfway through the session, the conversation stayed focused on a member's question about declaring himself as male or female on his work's health insurance form.

And I left the support group more confused than ever. I'd hoped the guys there might share stories like those I read of many FTMs, similar to my picture: stories of childhood "body dysphoria," "tomboyishness," and awkwardness in dresses.

Looking at our childhood pictures in search of who we are now, is a common practice in our "community" - and what a complicated community it is! It's a way for us to relate with each other and foster community. And this website is a marvelous case in point: 'You, too? That tomboy is what it means to be gay?'

But to me, being gay means we have the gift of thinking critically about gender role stereotypes. I don't want what was imposed on me repeated, when my mother and sister cornered me in the living room, yelling about the trans-related books I brought home. My sister said, 'May, you've always been a lesbian!
We've always known it! All of us!'

But who was she to know my experiences or my childhood desires to be a boy? Or understand the confusion I felt seeing my own reflection, or what it felt like to bind my chest, or have sex? I felt so confused that I couldn't put words to what I felt, and so how could she?

And if I don’t want others to impose stereotypes on me, how can I impose them on myself? I look at my childhood and consider: I am lesbian now, and I have been other things. I've been a kid (like many lesbians, FTMs, and even straight women), who wanted to be a boy. I have been trans. I have been something I didn't know.

Was I looking to my childhood photo for an answer because was I afraid of being trans, or being gay? Does our sense that it must be wrong now make us search for those reasons? The "It's nature" argument is fundamental to many of us, to explain ourselves to family, friends, and much of America. We can’t help it, and so we should be allowed to be who we are.

But shouldn't we be allowed to be whoever we want to be? Trans, a man, a woman, whoever we were, and whoever we are now? The ultimate sexual and gender freedom will involve the freedom to change.
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Ben

Ben, age 6

Dallas, Texas (1984)

This picture still cracks me up! I mean, look at me: the posing, the tutu, the Bronco's t-shirt (???), the bow in my hair, mom's heels, and a cocked leg!

I wonder what my sister, Erin (background) thought when she saw me? I also wonder who took this picture? My Mom or Dad?!

My parents said they always knew - hmm, I wonder how! While I don't recall this particular dress-up, what stayed with me was what my Mom lived by and instilled in us:

She'd say, 'Let's put on a show!'

My mom (RIP) was a showy woman, and she liked prizes.

Today I'm a showy man, and I like prizes too. Coincidence?

And in one way or another, we have been playing dress up ever since. Luckily for me, my parents always accepted us just the way we are. They encouraged me to be and do whatever I wanted. Thankfully, I never wanted to be a ballet dancer or a football player, because I still can't dance or catch a ball.

I was probably about 10 when my attraction to men started to kick in. I knew I couldn't love Wonder Woman forever, so I switched gears to "Growing Pains."

I crushed on Jeremy Miller (Ben Seaver) for when I wanted a cute friend to kiss, and Allen Thicke (the dad) for that sexy father figure role. Also, I loved Ricky Schroeder on "Silver Spoons." Sooo cute! And last, Jerry Sharell, as Mickey the bass player on Kids Incorporated!

Of course I also loved "My Little Pony," brushing out my sister's Barbies hair, and flipping through the International Male Catalog. What can ya do?

Who knew that I'd grow up wanting to be an ice skater, then a musical theater performer (who acts and sings, not dances), and who now manages a hair salon in Boston - that my husband owns?! That is pretty cool.

And anything is possible for anyone - even for a little gay boy from Texas.

Ben's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Jeremy Miller (Ben Seaver on "Growing Pains")

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Stephen

Stephen, age 4

Taunton, Massachusetts (1978)

This was shot on a family vacation to Rangeley Lakes, Maine. My parents, sister, grandparents, aunt and I all stayed in a cool, cozy rented cabin on the water.

My sister and I were excited to sleep in the loft.

My parents bought us a Polaroid camera to take on the trip, and my sister and I were pretending we were models.

This is a shot just before going to bed. I'm taking a sip of water, but it really looks like I am having a night-cap.

And truth be told, we weren't playing model anymore.
I really was just sitting like that.

As I got older, this photo would elicit a variety of responses when we would look through family photo albums. My mother would smile and pat me on the head, my father would grimace and groan, and my sister would giggle. I rather liked it, but sensed there was something "wrong" with it.

My mother has since passed away, but the rest of my family is now rather proud of this photo. It is  evidence that I was indeed born with a little sparkle. If my mother were still here, I am 100% sure this would have ended up framed on the fireplace mantle. But I took the photo home before my father could do the same.

As for when I "knew" I think this photo is proof that I always had "it" and flaunted "it."

While I didn't end up being the football playing son my dad had hoped for,
I ended up being the type of son he never knew he wanted. I'm now in Provincetown, and he makes a trip to visit every summer. We get along great, and he even looks forward to going to the drag shows with me.

My first crush was on Bo Duke (John Schneider on the "Dukes of Hazzard"). When I told my friends in Hopewell Elementary School, they all went 'Eeewww!' Whatever. I still loved my "Dukes of Hazzard" lunchbox, and I fantasized that
Bo Duke would pick me up and rescue me in the General Lee.

While that didn't happen, my partner now does resemble John Schneider a bit.
As they say, the first cut is the deepest.

And things do indeed get better. Much, much better.

Stephen's first, famous-person same sex crush:

John Schneider ("Dukes of Hazzard")
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Mark

Mark, age 8

Attleboro, Massachusetts (1976)

This picture represents how it all became clear to me at an early age. At age 5 I begged my family to  let me take ballet classes. Nijinsky was flying around on PBS television, giving me a crystal-clear vision of what I wanted my life to be: soaring, gorgeous, moving always and only to a dramatic soundtrack… and clad in tights. The response: “Little boys don’t take ballet.”

Thus was the first sharp realization in my life of the dissonance between what was possible and fabulous in the larger world (male ballet stars) and the alien world I inhabited.

I bookmark this event as the revelation of my “difference”.

But at the same time I knew – thank you PBS!!! - that the universe was on my side.

I immediately adopted the strategy of sneaking through the insanity undercover, to get whatever I could from it. 


So I registered for tap-class, and took up the clarinet in order to round out an emulation of Gene Kelly. I proceeded to hound the teacher with choreography suggestions, for seven years.

Though ballet was over the line for my family, they nonetheless were extremely deferent to my faerie-child ways. Dolls, lipstick, dresses, showtunes, my obsessive impersonations of Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson-Riley -- even the behavioral extremity of my love at age 4 for my teenage cousin Kevin (poor thing!). I’m the youngest of 8 children, none of whom are stupid. I was protected. Blessed Be for that.

The Pink Panther was my first television boyfriend, and my romantic preference for Shaggy over Fred on “Scooby Doo” foreshadowed/established my lifelong frumpy-hippy-crazed heart. I also knew for a fact that “Batman’s” Robin (Burt Ward) was waiting for my hand in marriage as soon as we were old enough.

Isis and Wonder Woman perfectly encapsulated the powers and style I longed to embody. Frankly, they still do. Bring. On. The. Bracelets.

As adults we can give children permission to respect and adore their own and each other’s inner magical beings. I say “permission” because children already know that the magic of love reigns supreme. We need to take every possible opportunity to let them know that they’re right.
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Jeffrey

Jeffrey, age 4

New Bedford,  Massachusetts (1963)

We were in a military family that moved quite often, and what I mainly remember about this picture is, my father being uncomfortable, and hurrying up the  process.

I first knew I was gay by around 6th grade. I remember crushing on Flipper's dad and Adam West as Batman.

And I loved TV dance shows like American Bandstand, Soul Train, and Lawrence Welk - ooh, Cissy and Bobby!

I love this picture now and use it for my Facebook profile at times.

Jeffrey's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Brian Kelly (the dad on "Flipper")
______________________________________________

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Maddi

Maddi, age 12
Chicago, Illinois (1997)

The year was 1997. I was 12, and, like many of my peers, in the midst of a full-fledged Spice Girls obsession. This specific picture was taken on Halloween, after my mother had painstakingly drawn all of Sporty Spice's tattoos on my arms, and Superglued a rhinestone to my nose to make it look pierced (it's possible that my family might go a little too far when it comes to costumes...)

"Girl Power!"

I was incredibly proud of that costume, as Sporty Spice was my fave, but that look was pretty much the butchest I've ever been.

If I had to fit myself into a nice, neat little labeled box, I'd probably call myself a femme, because I like wearing pretty things, and I'm ridiculously girly in general.

But I may be different from others in that I didn't know early on that I was gay.

In the era of this picture, I didn't have much of an eye for anyone except Leo DiCaprio, so the fact that I might like girls wasn't even on my radar.


I didn't come out to myself (or start coming out to others) until age 20, when I was studying abroad in Europe, and experiencing what I thought was my first real-life girl crush (I'd begun admitting my celeb crushes to myself by then).

But the thing is, once I actually started coming out, it was like all of a sudden I was remembering things from my past with gay-tinted glasses. 

That English teacher who I thought was so great my freshman year of high school? Totally crushing. The fact that out of all the Spice Girls to be my favorite, I picked the dykiest looking one? Gay. My favorite character when my parents had me watch "Law & Order" with them?  A gorgeous brunette with a Texan drawl who ended up defining my "type" - and who I still love to watch in all her hot ladycop hotness today on "Rizzoli & Isles".

I've been quite lucky, I must say. I grew up in a liberal, accepting environment. My Father's business partner was a gay man, and at age 9, I sold the most Girl Scout cookies I ever sold to members of The Chicago Gay Men's Chorus. My mom has always had plenty of lesbian/lesbian-ish friends.

I live in Boston now. I realize how lucky I've been, how relatively easy being gay has been for me. Regardless of what we've all each been through on our journeys to discovering our real selves, and regardless of what people might say to us, or think of us - the only person who truly needs to be accepting of me - is me.

Maddi's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Melanie C (Sporty Spice)

Angie Harmon (on "Law & Order")
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Brad

Brad, age 5

Norwell, MA (1984)

I don't have any recollection of this photo being taken, but I had that tapestry up until a few years ago when it got lost in a move. I loved it! My Mom used to say I was always a happy child.

I sucked my thumb until I was 9, and I loved playing with dolls.

I think I mortified my Grandmother when she took me shopping for my 4th or 5th birthday and I insisted that I had to have a Cabbage Patch doll. But I loved it.

I loved playing dress up, baking, cleaning, and making crafts.

My Mom had a "cleaning lady" come to the house and I always followed her around with a mop or a duster. I loved cleaning!

My older sisters were into dirt bikes and wrestling. I never understood their interest.

What is funny to me is that I never felt "different" exactly. I was different, but I didn't feel it. When I began to have sexual feelings at about 11 or 12, it seemed utterly natural to me to be attracted to other boys.  

Years later it turns out one sister is gay - and the other is closeted? I wish I could find the video of me playing Ms. Conchita in a home cooking show called Conchita's Kitchen. A wig, a dress, make up, and double fudge brownies.

My parents never tried to sway us from our interests and I think for that reason we were blessed. 

Chris

Chris, age 8
Dorchester, Massachusetts (1985)

Here I am, playing dress up with my mom.

I was a total momma’s boy. And I always knew I was gay. 

“I’m ready for my close up!”

I had a huge crush on Arnold Schwarzenegger after I saw the Conan movies.

I love this photo. I look so happy and at ease.

Chris' first, famous-person same sex crush:
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Tim

Tim, age 10

Cambridge, Massachusetts (1979)

I was either very naive or very brave to rock this look at my Baptist church Halloween party. My neighbor Cheryl kept her identity hidden, for fear of association. I think I looked damn good, in a Jon-Benet Ramsey meets Anita Bryant kind of way.

"Jon Benet Ramsey meets Anita Bryant"

I first started to notice I was different in Kindergarten when I brought my Mrs. Beasley doll in for Show & Tell. Nobody made a big deal about it then.

It wasn't until 5th grade when I started to realize that I wanted to kiss the boys and hang out with the girls - instead of the other way around.

The homophobic bullying started soon after. 

Tim's first, famous-person same sex crush: Aquaman

A man with wavy blond hair, gills, & green tights always charges my batteries!

____________________________________________

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Robert

Robert, age 2

Lakeville, Massachusetts (1970)

This photo was taken in my parents' first apartment in rural Massachusetts. That's my older brother next to me dressed as a pumpkin. Obviously it's Halloween, and I'm 2, so I can't take too much credit for the first stab at drag.

It took a lot of cajoling to get my Mother, who is not amused by my love for this photo, to explain why she would dress her two year old son as a girl for Halloween. Finally she admitted, 'When you were a baby, everyone thought you were a girl, so your Father and I thought it would be funny to dress you as one for Halloween. End of story.'

Maybe I didn't pick the outfit, maybe I didn't tie the kerchief - but that extended pinkie is all mine!

I first started to notice I wasn't the same as other boys in 3d grade - playing with dolls at recess with the girls, not playing sports, generally being a loner.
It was really 7th grade, when puberty started to hit, that I knew I was attracted to boys.

Honestly, until the age of 18 I thought it was something I was going to grow out of. Then I turned 18 and realized I wasn't going to grow out of it.

Robert's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Willie Aames and Christopher Atkins in "Blue Lagoon"
_____________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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