March 09, 2011

Cameron

Cameron, age 16
Concord, Massachusetts (2011)

My name is Cameron. I am an FTM (female to male) transsexual.

When I was a kid, I never knew what being transgendered was. I was born a female with the name Camilla. I just thought that boys were boys, and girls were girls.

So I wore girls' clothing and kept my hair long.

But I have distinct memories of walking around the house saying 'I'm dressing like a boy' -  which meant my shirt off, and only wearing shorts and a cross necklace.

In 3rd grade, I began to tell people to abbreviate my name from Camilla to Cam, which would become the basis for choosing my male name, Cameron.

I wore girly clothes until about 5th grade, when I found myself at home in a baggy tee shirt, jeans, and a baseball cap. When I was in about 8th grade, my sister asked me one day if I would rather be a boy or a girl. I thought to myself, 'BOY' but said 'girl' because, to the best of my knowledge, I couldn't do anything about it - so why answer boy?

I remember being extremely uncomfortable when I developed breasts. One of my biggest regrets is not embracing my flat chest as a kid, because now it's gone and I have tumors instead. They're like alien objects on my body.

In 9th grade, I cut my hair short. At a school dance, girls asked me to dance, 'mistaking me' for a boy. And I realized that I didn't mind their confusion.
In fact, I liked it.

That was my first realization that I might be transgender. Coming out to my parents was tricky, though. They still don't accept me for being the man that I SHOULD have been born as. They don't understand, that every day, I wake up wishing that I was just born with the body that boys take for granted. You never know how much you have, and how much other people value what you were born with. If I had one wish, it would be to be born with the right body.

I'm still struggling with my transition to manhood, and it's a slow process. I'm starting to tell people at school, and from what I have seen, they are all getting on board with it. Although I still go by female pronouns almost everywhere, I'm looking forward to the day that I will be known as a man everywhere.

I'm so much happier now, then when I was as a girl in middle school: wondering why I hated my body, and wearing boy clothes to cover up my awkward, out of place shell.

And I know I'm only going to get happier.
I always think things will get better, for those who want it to. :)
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7 comments:

thingy said...

These are inspiring words for everyone.

I wish you well. : )

Jay Six said...

Cameron - You're brave and beautiful and you have my respect and love for sharing your story with the world. Thank you SO much for the inspiration.

Kris said...

Good for you for figuring out who you are at such a young age. It takes most of us quite a bit longer. Thanks for sharing your story. Keep writing if you do and if not....start. You are an amazing writer.

Camilla said...

Thank you everyone! You all are great!
-Cam

Louise said...

Love your story! You are so brave and strong for your age!
Thank you for sharing your story!

Robin said...

Try to be understanding of your parents as they try to understand you. As the mother of a M2F 31 year old (she came out at age 28), I have done everything I can to be supportive but still have my moments when I mourn for my son even while be accepting of my new daughter. It takes time and understanding on both sides. Sometimes more time and more understanding than a 16 (or 31) year old transgender wants to allow. Be patient, be loving, but be yourself as much as you can be at this age. It will work out in the end.

Sarah Snarky said...

Dude, you're AWESOME! Plenty of love going your way. I know I should probably say something along the lines of "You're so brave," or something, but you probably get that from everyone else on this site. It's true, but I strive to be different, so I'll leave you with this; it made my day to see someone my age be able to have the courage to do something like that. On this site, everyone's at least in their late 20s, and it doesn't have as big an impact as seeing someone who's changing their life for the better in a big way in real time. So Cam, rock on. :-D