Chris

Chris, age 8
Grayling, Michigan (1998)

This picture really demonstrates what kind of kid I was - lively, goofy, and obviously gay.

I don't really crossdress at all now, but I remember when my family did this as a joke, I felt some part of it seemed right.

It was around this age that I first realized I was different. I was, at the very least, aware that I also liked guys.

Especially Tony, the cute boy in my 3rd grade music class.

However, I didn't come out until I moved out of my home and started college, a process which was well received by all.

Although, it took my parents a bit of time to come around.

Today, I live in Ann Arbor, MI with my wonderful partner of nearly two years, and study Art History at E. Michigan University.

For the kids out there reading this, I say:
Be yourselves, and when you are ready, make the leap.
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Chris

Chris, age 2

E. Grand Forks, MN (1977)

I always felt like a fabulous fish out of water in my hometown in northern Minnesota. This picture perhaps does "scream gay" from my earliest days, one of three in a series of some of my favorite toddler pictures.
 
This was taken in the days of disco, when I enjoyed playing with dolls, banging the piano, and looking like a young, gay version of Hugh Hefner.
 
It was only the next year that I had my first kiddie crush on a boy. He was 8 and rode a dirt bike in my neighborhood.

Despite my eagerness to be with him, he and his friends brushed me off as any 8-year old would, to a 3-year old.

I had many boy crushes from TV: Jason Bateman on "Little House on the Prairie" and "Valerie," Mackenzie Astin on "Facts of Life," Todd Bridges on "Diff'rent Strokes," and Scott Baio on "Happy Days."

But I didn't know I was gay until much later, and didn't admit it to myself until I was 19. Nor to anyone else until I was 21.

If I'd known when this was taken (and many subsequent pictures that spoke the thousand words I could only hint at in my young imaginings), I would have told myself that everything would be OK. At least once I grew up and moved!

There was a lot of the world out there to see. And after I saw some of it, I got to appreciate where I came from, as well who I am and have always been.

Chris' first, famous-person same sex crush:
Jason Bateman
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Chris

Chris, age 6 months
Goldsboro, NC (1972)

Looking back, now I understand why I had such a emotional attachment to guys at such a early age. I hoped this would go away as I grew older, but it didn't.

I dated girls from 9th grade until the end of High School, hoping the gay rumors would go away - but they never did, either.

I came out to my family at 25, because I was never good at secrets. As an adult, I'm into nerdy TV like PBS, National Geographic, History Channel, & Discovery Channel.

And movies like "Big Eden" and "The Note Book" are favorites of mine. I am now 38, still single, and it does get lonely sometimes.


But never the less, I am HAPPY! :-)

Chris' first, famous-person same sex crush:

Bob Denver ("Gilligan's Island")

I know that sounds weird, but...
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Chris

Chris, age 3

Livermore, KY (1977)

Much of my life I remember being steered toward the appropriate boy behavior - usually gently. Sometimes not so gently. My sister and I got new UnderRoos, all the rage then. She got Wonder Woman, and I got Spider-Man. Now, there's nothing wrong with Spidey. He's funny and cute, and I probably would've dated him later in life. But at that moment? I wanted to BE Wonder Woman.

"Where's that doll I was just playing with?"

Linda Carter was a kick-ass, statuesque, beautiful woman.
So who wouldn't want to spin around and end up wearing that costume?

Once, my father discovered me spinning in circles in my sister's UnderRoos. I only remember being spanked by my father twice in my life. This time was the worst.

Please don't judge him harshly. Remember, it was the early 80's, in a very small town in the South. Much of the racism and ignorance that the 60's and 70's helped destroy, clung stubbornly there. And he was afraid for his little boy.

So, I learned to be afraid of being gay, and the fear was reinforced by weekly Bible studies in a Missionary Baptist congregation

I didn't do a good job of pretending. I can remember being called names as early as 3rd grade. Ridiculed by my classmates and older students for how I walked and talked, I retreated into books and television. And the comfort of my best friend, who also turned out to be gay.

Dad tried to nurture the hetero out of me in many ways; cars, sports, women. Only after a suicide attempt, moving away from the area, and meeting a wonderful gay role model, did I learn to be comfortable with who I am. When I came out in my mid-20's, my father said: 'You were my son yesterday. You are my son today. And tomorrow you will still be my son, and I love you.'

It's been a difficult process for him to come to terms with his only son being gay, but he did the work. He worked through his fear and educated his ignorance.
He knows that he loves me, and that everything else would come with time.

Though it may seem like there is no hope, there are people out there who will love you for who you were born to be.

Chris' first, famous-person same sex crush:

John Schneider ("Dukes Of Hazzard")

I distinctly remember my heart racing at the sight of a shirtless Bo Duke!

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Chris

Chris, age 12

Albuquerque, New Mexico (1974)

I hated Little League. When this baseball pic was taken, I was being bullied by an older teammate for being a sissy and a fag. In hindsight, I wonder if he had a crush on me? The 2nd picture is something I wrote in my diary in February of 1974, before I knew I was gay. In it, I say:

  
'You know, sometimes I get worried, because I think that sex and religion kind of don’t mix. I love God, but I love, I think, Becky, too. I guess it’s because sometimes sex is evil, but right now, as far as I’ve gone, I don’t think Jesus minds. In fact, I think he’s pleased, I hope.

Have I grown any since I started?
Wait! Wizard of Oz started! I’ve got to go!!
-- Chris'

I'd been called a "fag" my whole life, but I didn't know what the word meant.
It never occurred to me that I would do anything but meet a girl, fall in love and get married, and that God would be pleased with me. It's obvious, reading the diary now, that subconsciously I sensed there was something else going on. And perhaps God would not be pleased with me at all. And that to some, "sex is evil."

I wrote the diary entry a year before the life-changing moment in 8th grade, when I was staring at my friend Tim in the class row in front of me. I had an erection, and I was thinking, 'Why do I have an erection looking at him? It doesn’t make any sense! Two penises don’t fit together!'

Then I made the horrible realization that would poison the rest of my teenage years: 'Oh, my God. That’s what a FAG is.'

I became surly and quiet, watching my own every move for any mannerism that might betray my homosexuality. For years, my cheeks would burn with embarrassment if I ever looked back on these journal pages.

I hated this gay boy. His girly script. His passion for Judy Garland and The Wizard of Oz. And his unabashed enthusiasm, which I came to see as effeminate.

But now, I love this boy so, so much.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back and hold him tight and tell him he was wonderful, good and brave - and to  not listen to anyone telling him otherwise.

Chris' first, famous-person same sex crush:

Larry Wilcox (on "CHiPs")

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Chris

Chris, age 4
Great Meadows, NJ (1998)

This is a picture of me stealing my cousin's My Little Pony doll. I remember every Christmas Eve our family would have a big party and "Santa" would come and give my cousins, my brother, and I an early Christmas present for being extra good that year.

"MY Little Pony!"

Every year I would watch my cousin, Aimee, open her present in excitement. She would always unravel a brand new Barbie doll and I was always so jealous. The following years I started to ask my parents for Barbies. Luckily they couldn't say no to me, for at that age, I didn't know boys weren't supposed to play with Barbies.

I can recall from being a child that I wasn't like any of the other boys at school. They would all talk about the cool toys they played with, and how their fathers brought them on fishing trips. My father did all that too, but I never enjoyed it.

What I enjoyed most was going to work with my mother at her hair salon because we couldn't find a baby sitter. I loved to watch all the women go in a hot mess, and come out a beauty queen.

When middle school came, I remember a boy in the 8th grade had a crush on me. At that time I was only 11 years old and he was 14, and I didn't know what to do or think, so I started acting homophobic. However I knew secretly that I really had a crush on him too.

Once I got to high school I was done being a closet case. I came out at the age of 14, my freshman year. Although I am only still a Junior in high school, and only 17 years old and not quite an adult yet, I can most definitely look back and realize that I truly was born this way.

Thinking back, I feel silly now about how afraid I was of what people thought and how they would react. Luckily my family and my friends are amazing, and I am so thankful to have them in my life. It really makes me so proud to think that I am this young and this confident - especially with all the tragedies going on with gay teens my age.

Although I do not have the wisdom and years of experience as most people, I do want to say that everything will be alright. One day, that bully in high school, or that person that told you that you were wrong for being who you are?

They won't matter.

Chris' first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Leonardo DeCaprio & Jake Gyllenhaal

Chris

Chris, age 5
Reno, Nevada (1986)

Either I wanted to be an American Apparel model at a very early age - or I'm worried about how to feign interest in that baseball bat.

I'm pretty sure I didn't even understand the concept of gay at that age. I did, however, know that no matter how much my Uncles wanted me to get into sports, sports had nothing on Super Heroes and soap operas.

Two things I enjoy to this day.

I came out at 19. Before then it was a slow progression of assuming my attractions were something I would get over. I remember at first, all I wanted was to see was a penis. I figured if I saw a penis my curiosities would subside. Then it was a kiss - just a kiss from a boy and I would be done. 

Well, just like a Pringle or a Kardashian, I learned that one just wouldn't be enough.

It was beyond a relief to finally admit these feelings to a dear friend, and then my supportive Mother. I didn't realize how much it would change the way I viewed the entire world around me. But in every single way, it was for the better.

Chris' first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Macaulay Culkin & Wil Wheaton

Chris

Chris, age 8
Dorchester, Massachusetts (1985)

Here I am, playing dress up with my mom.

I was a total momma’s boy. And I always knew I was gay. 

“I’m ready for my close up!”

I had a huge crush on Arnold Schwarzenegger after I saw the Conan movies.

I love this photo. I look so happy and at ease.

Chris' first, famous-person same sex crush:
Arnold Schwarzenegger