January 24, 2011


Chris, age 12
Albuquerque, New Mexico (1974)

I hated Little League. When this baseball pic was taken, I was being bullied by an older teammate for being a sissy and a fag. In hindsight, I wonder if he had a crush on me? The 2nd picture is something I wrote in my diary in February of 1974, before I knew I was gay. In it, I say:

'You know, sometimes I get worried, because I think that sex and religion kind of don’t mix. I love God, but I love, I think, Becky, too. I guess it’s because sometimes sex is evil, but right now, as far as I’ve gone, I don’t think Jesus minds. In fact, I think he’s pleased, I hope.

Have I grown any since I started?
Wait! Wizard of Oz started! I’ve got to go!!
-- Chris'

I'd been called a "fag" my whole life, but I didn't know what the word meant.
It never occurred to me that I would do anything but meet a girl, fall in love and get married, and that God would be pleased with me. It's obvious, reading the diary now, that subconsciously I sensed there was something else going on. And perhaps God would not be pleased with me at all. And that to some, "sex is evil."

I wrote the diary entry a year before the life-changing moment in 8th grade, when I was staring at my friend Tim in the class row in front of me. I had an erection, and I was thinking, 'Why do I have an erection looking at him? It doesn’t make any sense! Two penises don’t fit together!'

Then I made the horrible realization that would poison the rest of my teenage years: 'Oh, my God. That’s what a FAG is.'

I became surly and quiet, watching my own every move for any mannerism that might betray my homosexuality. For years, my cheeks would burn with embarrassment if I ever looked back on these journal pages.

I hated this gay boy. His girly script. His passion for Judy Garland and The Wizard of Oz. And his unabashed enthusiasm, which I came to see as effeminate.

But now, I love this boy so, so much.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back and hold him tight and tell him he was wonderful, good and brave - and to  not listen to anyone telling him otherwise.

Chris' first, famous-person same sex crush:
Larry Wilcox (on "CHiPs")

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"


Patrick said...

I'm glad you kept your journal.

Zacki said...

I agree with Patrick, that is priceless!

Stee-Vee Snowmonster said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stee-Vee Vee said...

If you only knew what a dream boat and absolute sweetheart Chris grew up to be. GO TEAM!

cmaruiz said...

This story makes me cry... It is great!

Leslie said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I heart this story so much and I would like to go back in time and give boy Chris a big fat hug and then sit down and watch the Wizard of Oz with him.

Anonymous said...

a precious, bittersweet story. thanks for sharing it.