Jay

Jay, age 6
Sterling, Virginia (1984)

Childhood was a great time and a rough time for me. My parents allowed me to be who I was. But the world wasn't always so great with the concept.

I don't think of my story as all that special, but it floors most people who hear it for the first time.

If Disney made a movie about me, it may be closest to "Pinocchio" - but without the weird kids-taking-that-donkey-acid-trip scene.

Simply put (and here's the big reveal), I dreamed every night of waking up as a real boy. 

But I was not born a wooden puppet.

I was born a little girl.


I was a very loved child, but I was also wildly misunderstood by many, myself included. It took about 23 years for me to figure it all out.

I had unbelievable support from my family and the friends I kept close. And especially from my spouse, sister, mom and dad. But I kept a lot of people at a distance along the way. I still struggle with finding the right way to tell people.

Being who I am means being a Dad, a husband, a brother and a son. But it's tough to figure out why or how to divulge this layer of my past without it consuming perceptions and shifting realities.

But the truth is, kids out there are going through the same things I went through. And they - or their friends and family - are reading this blog.

So for those young ones going through the things I went through, know this:

Your night-time wish can be your future, too. And your mom and dad may one day call you their son with the same pride they had back then. Maybe even more now, since you've given them grandkids.

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Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Jay

Jay, age 5
South Bend, IN (1954)

I was a very imaginative kid. I enjoyed role playing, but was not a born thespian. It was the single image/pose that captured a moment/attitude that I employed - as shown here. In this photo, I think I was channeling Rita Hayworth and other glamor girls I'd seen in magazines. At that age, no one in my family minded my "dress up" or "pretending".

But, in high school, attitudes toward my "ambivalence" had changed, and my parents made me join the swim-team, and play football. Having endured those episodes with great pain (mostly psychological), I decided to start dating girls to escape the family "sports requirement."

And that worked quite well, freeing me of parental pressure, and I viewed it as a path to "normalcy" and acceptance.

This, in spite of the fact that I'd been sexually attracted to men since I was 9. And I remember those moments in the swim-team showers to this day!

Many years - and many heartaches - later, I separated from my wife of 10 years and "came out". Fortunately, she was very understanding, and aside from a few years of nearly unendurable self-guilt, there was no exterior punishment. It was something I got past - and thank God for my art!

I often wonder how much more open and comfortable my life would have been without these experiences. But, I also feel that my life experiences made me the artist I am today. And, the whole person who had a 26-year gay relationship (ending in his death), and now a new, 5-year-and-counting wonderful gay relationship.

Self acceptance can be a long hard path. But the earlier you start down that path, the more pleasant and rewarding your journey is likely to be.

Jay

Jay, age 8

Los Angeles, California (1985)

Nearly 26 years later, I remember this trip clearly. Chris (far left) and Byron (in the middle, giving awesome face) were my closest friends that summer. We did a full theme park tour and hit Disneyland, Six Flags Magic Mountain, then made our way to Universal Studios.

We were SO excited to meet The Transformers in person. Jazz (a B-list robot if there ever was one) couldn't get my name right and pushed us along rather rudely. Don't meet your idols, kids! We also got inside of KITT from "Knight Rider" who allegedly took questions and answered them.

Being skeptics, we made up a song that we sang instead of asking a question, and pushed a bunch of buttons we weren't supposed to touch. KITT then went dark and they told everyone the car was down for repairs. Oops!

Then we saw the Conan The Barbarian live stage show. Beefy guys don't do anything for me, so I was there for the pyrotechnics and giant snake, naturally.

I don't know when exactly this picture was snapped, but it sums us it up perfectly: I was easily the gayest boy on the planet and genuinely not troubled by it. Yet.

Looking back, I see how carefree this boy with the come-hither eyes and fabulous Le Tigre sweater (plus obligatory jacket tied around the waist), really was.

I'm jealous of him, because of that. But I'm so proud of him, because he survived.

Jay's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Burt Ward (Robin on "Batman")

I can't recall which I saw first: the 'Super Friends' cartoon version, or actually Burt Ward in all of his tight-fitting glory!
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Jay

Jay, age 5

San Antonio, Texas (1985)

This photo was my childhood version of me
being a cowboy, pre Brokeback Mountain.  

"It got better!"

I experienced my first “crush” at about this age. His name was Joey and he lived across the street. I had no idea it was “wrong” until the other kids in the neighborhood started calling me “f*ggot.”

It’s sick that a 5 year old experiences homophobia. Obviously, I had never had sex and had never been on a date. When those opposed to our equality say it is about our deviant behavior, they are lying.  At 5, I had never been “deviant.”  It is about “the other” and the need to feel superior to someone else.  

It is ego, it is bigotry, and it is hatred.

At this age, I neither knew what gay was nor did I feel “different” - until I was told I was “different” by the other kids in the neighborhood.  Their harassment didn’t make me straight, it made me closeted and fearful.

But looking back on this pic now, it’s definitely a picture of happiness. It was at a time when I didn’t know self-expression could result in violence, intimidation, and harassment, etc.

There is great joy in naivety.

Joe's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Danny Pintauro ("Who's The Boss?")
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