Jonathan

Jonathan, age 4
Queens, New York (1963)

This is me (on the right) with my best friend David, taken outside our apartment building on Hillside Avenue in Queens, NY. I love the fact that we are holding hands and we seem to be deliriously happy!

There was a little girl in our building who liked to beat us up if we were solo,
so David and I were usually joined at the hip.

I didn't realize that I was more attracted to boys than girls until around age 8,
and I didn't act on it until I was age 12 (with my best friend Ira).

But as I look at this picture now, I see a very happy and gay young man!
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"Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Also check out "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Jonathan

Jonathan, age 5
Jackson Heights, NYC (1989)

I don't remember this photo being taken, but I do know it was just before kindergarten. There's a lot of my childhood I don’t remember. Unfortunately, what I do remember is viewed very differently by my birth father, who in the subsequent years would badger me on why I couldn’t defend myself at school.
Or why I had so many girls as friends, my affinity for female pop-stars, or why
I had no interest in sports. The truth is: Homie always knew.

"Step...and repeat."

There's a stigma to being gay and Hispanic. For many of the adults around me, gay men and women play a secondary role to the lives they surround. The flamboyant ones are expected to entertain, susceptible to becoming the butt of the joke. While our humanity is talked about as little as possible.

It's only more recently that young gay Hispanics are able to see transcendent figures who are not only gay, but fulfilled.

I grew up resisting what I thought would be my fate, if I "admitted" to myself what I was. Even though I already was, always had been, and always would be - gay.

I became fully aware of my sexuality at age 13 - when kissing a girl only did it for me when I was thinking about a boy. I came out at age 17 - when I fell in love with my best friend. And I began to accept it at age 21 - when I realized enough was enough.

At 25, I found this photo again, and my first reaction was one of aversion.
I immediately saw a boy that would eventually get picked on, feel like he would never belong, and have to go the extra mile to come to terms with who he was born to be. So I simply put the photo away.

After turning 26, I rummaged for this photo to look at it one more time. Now, I see an incredibly intuitive boy, a boy who loved music videos, Michael Jackson, and penny loafers. A boy blessed with friends who would become family, and support me when coming out. And a resilient little boy who wouldn’t give himself the appropriate credit later on for being a survivor - but eventually would.

I'm realizing that by resisting my "fate" I created an inner turmoil I wish on no one. But, it prompted me to define what being gay was on my own terms, by being myself. Being gay isn’t about fulfilling any preconceived notions or fitting into a mold. It’s about loving yourself with the added bonus of falling in love with the world around you.

Me back then?
Boys behind me staring, with my head tilted, hands on hips, left-foot in front of the right-foot, goofy smile in place - while wearing neon pants.

And me now?
Christ, I can learn a lot from that little boy.

Jonathan's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Ricky Martin

You’re telling me you didn’t see that coming?

Jonathan

Jonathan, age 10
Cheshire, UK (1982)

This pic was shot at my prep school. The previous year, I had my first crush on Mr. Barton - a sexy, newly qualified teacher with a thick beard (and the first signs that I liked the bearish, masculine type of man). In this picture I was an innocent only child, whose life would change just 6 months later. My innocence was lost, but it has made me the person who I am today.

"Sugar wouldn't melt.
But 4 years later all hell broke loose."

Things were lovely and idyllic growing up, until my stepfather had a breakdown after the birth of my half brother. Mother didn't realize that he was relentlessly bullying me, both physically and emotionally.

However, things changed for me at 12, and I suddenly realized I could control my own life. My stepfather stopped the bullying when I stood up for myself, as a physically strong pre-teenager.

And my mother sensibly kicked him out shortly after.


I experimented at an early age with sexual encounters, with girls/women and boys/men. I lost my straight virginity at 13 and my gay virginity 6 months later with my then best friend. Very hedonistic days, and not at all like the teenage years shown in Disney films!

During university, I almost married a woman. But I knew I got more pleasure being with men, both emotionally and physically. I was outed at work by a security guard who showed a CCTV video of me making out with a fellow bank colleague - a very swarthy, butch, muscular hocky player - in a car in the parking lot! The security guard lost his job as a result of this.

I was surprised at the lack of shock at my outing, but it was then when I started to identify as a gay man - instead of a man that had occasional sex with men.

I am now 37, and married to my husband since August 2010. Our families attended and our life is amazing, fulfilling, and is made so by both of our life experiences.

Jonathan's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Brian Blessed (Prince Vultan in "Flash Gordon")

I found myself attracted to his hairy chest, big beard, and leather harness.
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