Sarah

Sarah, age 3
Nampa, Idaho (1973)

I remember this Christmas well. I sat on Santa's lap at the mall and asked for a chainsaw. He looked pretty confused according to my mom, but it must have made an impression - because it's what I got! My eyes are a little red in the photo from crying, because I had to wear a dress.

Growing up in Idaho, I didn't know I was gay. But I knew "gay" was a derogatory term.

I knew I liked girls since I can remember and needed to hide it. I also remember my my first celebrity crush was Samantha on "Bewitched."

Right around the time of this photo I got a boy's style haircut and had the kids convinced I was a boy.

I had little girlfriends who would make me the husband when they played house.

I even had a girlfriend in kindergarten and we'd kiss on the bus.

During 1st grade, I was outed by the bus driver as a girl. He told everyone, "Sarah is a girl's name! You are a girl!" I was mortified. I eventually gave up the charade, but school was tough. I always felt like a freak who didn't fit in.

I moved to Los Angeles once I graduated school and finally felt at home for the first time in my life. I'm very happy and comfortable with myself now as I don't have to pretend anymore. And I've been with my wife for almost 17 years now.
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"Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Also check out "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Sarah

Sarah, age 4
Tuscon, Arizona (1979)

For this kindergarten photo, I told the photographer I wanted a "serious picture." But the more he tried to make me smile, the more serious I got. And I do NOT like this dress. I wanted to wear my fireman's hat, which I was usually allowed to do, as my parents weren't really invested in any particular gender expression.

I love this picture because of its emotional honesty: I'm not smiling because I don't feel like smiling. And no one was going to push me into feeling or doing something I don't want.

While this is harder to accomplish as an adult, it's always my goal.

At this age, I knew I was a little different, and had a nascent crush on my kindergarten teacher. But I didn't yet have the words for it.

I went on to be viciously bullied in middle school, and I hope those kids are all in jail now.

Today, I have a loving partner and a diverse group of friends, and I became a writer and a teacher.

Bigoted speech -- especially the phrase "That's so gay" -- is forbidden in my classroom. Consequences are swift and severe, if I hear it.

My message to LGBTQ youth is:
Respect yourself! And do not "ignore" the bullying, because it doesn't work.
It only makes you more vulnerable; more victimized.

Bullies can tell when you're "ignoring" them, and it makes them want to do whatever they can to make you crack. The onus for stopping bullying is NOT on you -- it's on the bully, as well as the adults in charge.

You must keep talking, keep complaining, and keep demanding that something
be done - UNTIL SOMETHING IS DONE. Look your principal in the eye, and be sure to mention Jamie Nabozny - who won a huge federal lawsuit against his school administrators for failing to stop anti-gay harassment.

Lastly, keep saving your money...
There are buses leaving every day for other cities, and you can be on them!

Sarah's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Karen Carpenter (singer, The Carpenters)

Also check out "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Sarah

Sarah, age 10

Brooklyn, WA (1996)

I'm on the left in the pic. I didn't really think of myself as being different growing up, since I aspired to be just like my brothers. I remember just wanting to be one of the boys since the beginning.

My mom used to joke about me always dressing like my brothers, often calling us her three sons.

I know my father was often lectured by his conservative Latino family for allowing me to wear boy's clothing.

However, my parents always allowed me to create my own identity.

And I am now living out and proud with the support of both my mom and dad.

Sarah's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Jennifer Connelly (in "Labyrinth")

I was 5 at the time. But I've had a thing for brunettes ever since :D
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Sarah

Sarah, age 12

West Chester, PA (1998)

This was my 12th birthday. I used to have long, curly blond hair, but when starting middle school my Mom presented me with two choices: take care of it myself or cut it off.  I decided I wanted short hair - really short hair. It phased in and out of a mullet, depending on how long I went between haircuts.

"Watch carefully, I don't want you to get burned"

Later that year I tried to come out to my mother, who assured me that I couldn't be gay because I was too young to know about these things.

One thing I was definitely aware of at that time was a growing infatuation with both Gillian Anderson and Tina Fey. This is also around the time when I was almost exclusively assumed to be a boy when I was out in public, which shocked and horrified my Mom but was very exciting for me. I was also very protective of my younger sister, who is watching me adoringly in this picture. Even now, we are very close and live in the same town, 400 miles from where we grew up.

This was also around the time when I stopped fitting in with the girls in my class easily, and when the boys in school stopped letting me play football with them. But I still remember being very happy with who I was, despite how frustrated I was with everyone else.

When I imagine myself as a child, or get in touch with that part of me that is still a child - this is the picture that I get in my head. Partially it is because it is tied so closely to when I began to really know who I was, but before I grasped the real world ramifications of that identity. I think it is also because those pre-teen years were filled with street hockey, long hikes, tree climbing, and rainy days spent reading, doing puzzles, or playing Monopoly.

And even though socially my world was a mess, and school was very difficult, the majority of the time I remember feeling idyllic and content. I was omfortable in my body and with how others saw me, confident that I could be whoever I wanted to be.

Sarah's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Gillian Anderson ("The X-Files")