Johnny

Johnny, age 3

Rockford, IL (1949)

That's me, wedged between my brother and my father at our favorite summer retreat: Clear Lake, Wisconsin. Even though I look reasonably happy, I probably wasn't, as I hated having my picture taken.

I can't remember a time when I didn't know I was somehow different than other boys.

The Christmas after this picture was taken, I was obsessed with getting a dollhouse from Santa. Amazingly, my parents got me one. That probably wasn't the first clue they had.

As I grew older, I began to pick up little hints and suggestions that the way I acted wasn't really acceptable.

I remember telling my mother about junior high crushes I had on other boys, until I figured out she didn't really want to hear it.

I had been having crushes on boys for a long time. I had a big crush on Bobby Driscoll, who played Jim Hawkins in the Disney version of "Treasure Island" - and I was only 4-years old. But my parents never said anything.

And they said nothing when I never once had a date in junior and senior high school. Or in college, for that matter. They never said anything when I never played baseball or didn't do other boyish things, preferring instead to read.

The problem, was there were no gay role models in our conservative town. There was no way for me to even put a label on the feelings I had. When my best friend and I fooled around at age 11, it didn't open a new world for me; it pushed me further back into the closet.

It took me a long time to accept myself for what I am, and I had to go through a lot of pain and sorrow to get there.

If I have any advice to give young gay kids, it is:
Don’t be afraid to be who you know you are. You can't live in denial all your life.

All the suffering I experienced did teach me a valuable lesson, however: that I'm not the only one who is suffering. I've been a Buddhist monk since 1993, and I now dedicate my life to helping others find true happiness. It's the least I can do.

Johnny's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Bobby Driscoll (in "Treasure Island")

Brandon DeWilde (in "Shane")
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Johnny

Johnny, age 10

St. Clair Shores, Michigan (1989)

That's me on the left, as if you had to guess. For sure, my favorite memories from childhood are the times I spent at my Grandma's house. She was the most loving woman. She'd watch her soaps, read her Star Magazines, play cards with us, and let us run free and be kids. She had the softest flabby skin hanging under her biceps. You know, that amazing chubby grandma skin. So cozy.

"Taken in Grandma's kitchen"

While the other grandkids were in the basement rummaging through our Grandpa's tools and war stuff, I was upstairs drooling over nightgowns and jewelry. The phrase "in the closet" has real meaning to me and my gay discovery.

For you see, inside Grandma's closet, hung the threads to my sexuality.

I remember how her clothes smelled, and how the fabrics felt so soft and feminine. Her bras, slips, and perfume were heaven and happiness to me.
The first thing I'd do when dressing up was the old towel-head-wrap trick, as evidenced in the pic. I think I might even be wearing some lipstick and blush.

It'd give me instant long girl hair. It would constantly fall down as I was getting dressed, but I loved the hassle of putting it back up, and throwing it over my shoulders. I'd then pick out a nightgown as a dress, and sometimes belt it, or just let it flow. Then earrings, necklace, rings, and a handbag. And I loved going through her purses and finding candies, coupons, and Bingo blotters.

I'd even rock Grandma's chunky, sensible-heel slippers, so I could manage my way up and down the long hallway - aka my catwalk. There was a huge painting of the Blessed Mary at the end of the hallway. She was so bitchy and holy looking in the painting, so I'd use that as my motivation for my runway walk.

My Grandma was cool as hell. She'd just smile, kiss me on the cheek, and tell me how beautiful I looked, as she continued making me a sandwich: peanut butter, jelly, ham, and Miracle Whip on white bread. MY FAVORITE! She'd cut it in triangles for me. Small bites, like a lady should.

My Grandpa was cool about all this too, but I mostly avoided him while all dragged out in Grandma's pajamas. I LOVED those times I spent playing dress up. It was for sure my first taste of GAY, but definitely NOT my last.

I still love wrapping a towel around my head and pretending I have long hair, and realize the irony that my job in life now as an adult, is to play dress up with pop stars and actresses. Sort of perfect, actually.

I have an amazing family, amazing friends, and coming out was easier then I could have ever imagined. Not one person turned their back on me. Only open arms, and open closets. Ha ha!

And there ain't no shame in the gay game, y'all - we are all human. How boring would life be if we were all the same? So thanks Grandma, for letting me explore my sexuality in your closet. For it was there that I discovered a part of me that I could be proud enough to let the world see.

In your nightgown and heels, of course.

Johnny's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar ("Saved By The Bell")

I'd dream of sleepovers and BJ's under that 80's, pop-art print comforter that graced my twin bed.
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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