Robbie

Robbie, age 5

Cleveland, OH (1971)

This picture was taken on our annual men-only fishing trip to the Ontario Lakes. I went on this trip with my grandfather, father, brother and some uncles and cousins until I was 8 or 9, when I refused to go - and was never asked again. We traveled with coolers of food and drinks, and fishing guides to carry them, so there was no practical reason for me to wear that canteen. Maybe it’s an early sign of the aggressive self-sufficiency that I used to deflect attention from myself, my needs, and my perplexing desires from the time I was about 9. Or maybe it just shows a sad weakness for accessories.

It wasn’t easy to get me to stand & pose for this picture, as you can see from my half-smile and the impatient tilt of my head. In these albums, there are no pictures of me mugging for the camera or insouciantly holding a fish the way my brother and cousins did.

I would have rather been at home in Cleveland, reading a book or playing with my Legos.

I work a little with teens in my job. A few are headstrong gay kids who make their way to the Gay & Lesbian Center and other organizations. I envy these kids, the supportive environments they find, and the peers they meet.

A lucky few of these gay kids might even have adolescences that somewhat resemble the ones that straight kids have.

But I also meet gay kids (at least I think they’re gay) at the other end of the spectrum. Pain radiates off these kids and it takes me back to my own adolescent pain. Part of me wants to give them a hug and tell them things I wish I had understood back then. Mainly, that the feelings they’re so anxious about are perfectly normal and can't be separated from them.

But it's not my place to talk to them in this way, and it would probably freak them out or do some damage, so I keep the brochure rack filled and hope they figure stuff out.

The first time a male body made my mind go blank with hunger was an episode of the Six Million Dollar Man where Steve Austin was laid out on an examining table by some aliens, covered only by what seemed to be a dishtowel. I was about 10. Among boys closer to my age, I divided my attention between Peter Brady and Bud from "Flipper." Nearly all of my real-life boyfriends and crushes have been skinny, dark-haired guys or stocky redheads.

So maybe the real question is: TV - nature or nurture?

Robbie's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lee Majors ("The Six Million Dollar Man")

Robbie

Robbie, age 4
Arizona (1987)

I was obsessed with the 1985 movie version of "A Chorus Line". And according to my mom, I used to watch this movie everyday (which must've been really great to see a little Mexican 4-year old singing along to the song "Tits & Ass").

So when Halloween came around, I chose my own costume - a Chorus Line dancer. I can only imagine what my dad's reaction was, but my mom was supportive and obviously helped me with the costume.

The suspenders, the bow tie, the glitter and gold - all early signs of my future fashion sense, and attention to every sparkly detail.

For years, I was ashamed of these photos and the fact that I even dressed like this as a kid.
I repressed all of it and struggled with my identity in my teens.

I would always scrunch my face and turn away in disgust anytime my mom or family would bring up this costume,
or my love for Barbies, or watching "Steel Magnolias".

I never showed anyone these pictures and acted like they never existed.

Eventually I became more comfortable with myself, and settled into my own body and identity as a queer individual. Now I have no problems showing off these photos to friends, and they soon became like a gay badge of honor.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a dancer. But the older I got, the more I became aware of how "different" I was from all the other boys. Such as only playing with the girls, jump-roping, and my Lisa Frank collection, etc.

I learned to repress any trace of femininity that I possessed, to avoid being teased or bullied for "acting like a girl". I regret this and wish I'd continued being myself, and pursued those dreams to dance. But as a kid, it's easy succumbing to societal and cultural pressures (especially in the Mexican community).

To "act like a boy" dominated me as I searched for group acceptance, and it wasn't until my 20's that I really came into "myself".

To paraphrase a scene from "A Chorus Line":'
'What made you start dancing? Who knows?
I'm Mexican. We jump around a lot.'

Robbie's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Michael Jackson, David Bowie, & Tim Curry

I love those skinny oddballs who don't mind wearing tight clothes or lingerie in front of a crowd. Also, I REALLY wanted to marry Michael and Madonna