Ernie

Ernie, 6

El Cerrito, CA (1982)

Here, I'm standing in the yard of our old house in El Cerrito, in front of the dozens of flowers my mom would plant. That house was convenient, as there was a community center with a swimming pool close by, plus a Safeway and a Baskin-Robbins. And, there was an adult bookstore nearby too, which had a sign outside: "Arcade, 25 Cents." As we drove by - usually to church, mind you - I'd always ask my sister if we could ever stop by and play a video game or two.
'No,' she would reply dryly, eyes fixed to the road.

It's 20 years since the photo was taken, and I’m trying to figure why on Earth
I would pose like this, and I can only think of two things:

One: Putting a foot on a box or a bunch of rocks was the thing to do for kids wanting to look cool. Or Two: Judging by how I have my legs crossed - knee-over-knee, while standing - maybe I'm trying to channel on of those come-hither Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover models.

By junior high, I would learn that the ankle-atop-knee method of leg-crossing was preferred, not the knee-over-knee method. That is, if you didn’t want to get your ass beat in the school lunch room by the other Asian kids who were, in turn, being beat up by the White and Black kids. Clearly, I had not figured that out yet.

But I like how brazen I am in this photo. It's as if I'm on Solid Gold, a show my mom and dad would let me watch as long I practiced the piano for an hour.

Or, I am Miss America - and those f*cking pink and purple flowers in the back are the other 51 bitches who ain’t as fabulous as me.

Ernie's first, famous-person same sex crush:

He wasn't famous: He was a Japanese exchange student in 2nd grade. Minimal English, moved away after the school year, and doomed from the start.
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Brennen

Brennen, age 8

Seattle, WA (1996)

This was shot while shopping for new school clothes, at a visit to the park next door. My 4-year old sister decided it was too warm to wear any clothes at all (hey, we're Scandinavian). Grunge music was huge in Seattle, so my 12-year-old sister was dressed in a plaid button-up. If you saw pictures of her back then, you'd think she grew up to be a lesbian. But there is only one gay in this family.

"Posing as a statue"

I was a latchkey kid of the 90s, so I had little in the way of supervision most days. TV was a big part of me back then: "X Files," "I Love Lucy" reruns on Nick-at-Nite, "Singled Out" on MTV , and "Goddess Kring" on Seattle's public access channel. She's a local, late-night icon of sorts, infamous for her on-air acid trips, poetry, and naked, glittered body.

"Daria," "Beavis & Butthead," and "South Park" were other favorites. My family connected to the Internet in 1998, and I took to it like a duck to water. Let's just say that there were very few safeguards for children on AOL then - and leave it at that.

I've always known I was different. My only friends were girls and adults, and I distinctly remember complaining that the Power Rangers were "too violent" when the other boys talked about it in class. My dad "encouraged" (read: forced) me to play softball, but I'd sit on the sidelines with my friend Megan, waiting for the donuts and apple juice after the game.

I never really equated my being different to anything more than a personal quirk, and I've always been awkward. The only difference between being aloof as a kid and aloof as an adult is confidence.

Hot pink was my favorite color, and I loved to draw pictures of chrysanthemums (I was the only 4-year-old who could pronounce chrysanthemum), fuchsias, and my cat Gingersnap. The other day, my mom apologized to me for never letting me buy the hot pink sandals I always wanted as a kid. I also remember furtively snatching the men's underwear ads from Sears and Target out of the recycling bins, but I never really added it all up with the conclusion that I was "gay".

Seattle is a good place to be gay. I was lucky to grow up there, and with the parents I have. When I came out to them at 16, I basically said, 'You probably already figured this out, but...I'm gay'. My parents were surprised (they actually hadn't figured it out), but it changed little about our relationship. In fact, the first thing they said was, 'This doesn't change anything, we still love you.'

For anyone growing up gay today, I'm happy to report that things are only getting better. Be true to yourself; if someone cannot accept you as who you are, they are not worth your time. But it is very rare you will ever meet people like that, I promise!

Brennen's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Danny Roberts (on MTV's "Real World: New Orleans")

Gael Garcia Bernal usurped his throne a year later, and I often wonder if seeing David Duchovny in a Speedo on 'The X Files' could have made me gay.

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Txus

Txus, age 1

Tarragona, Spain (1975)

I love this poor, sweet, queer girl - because back then I didn't know that life could be so hard for tender and different people. I just looked upon the world with fear. Now I know I must be brave every day to thank all the activist people who fought for me to be Free, Gay and Happy.

My message for young gay kids now is: Each and every one of you are beautiful, different and special. You have to love you as you are - young, gay and gorgeous - and always find someone at your side. You must believe in yourself and be strong to live without fear. Nobody can prevent you to love or show you how you really are.

We must keep fighting for more freedom.
I've posted some words and poetry about it here.

Txus' first, famous-person same sex crush:

Julie Andrews (in "The Sound Of Music")

And definitely in 'Victor, Victoria'!

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Ted

Ted, age 2

Branford, CT (1986)

So this is me aged 2 or so, probably taken while my family was living overseas. When we moved back to the states we settled in southern Connecticut, where I grew up.

The earliest sign that I was gay was in kindergarten. My classmates and I were taking turns picking each other up, trying to see who was strongest. When it was my turn,
I wrapped my arms around a male classmate's hips and lifted. I didn't recognize it at the time, but in retrospect - that funny feeling I got was definitely the very early manifestation of budding homosexuality.

As a child I was athletic, curious, adventurous, and perhaps a bit reckless to boot. I also wanted a Minnie Mouse lunch box, a Tinkerbell design on my blanket, and played with Barbies a lot.

I'm sure my parents noticed my ignorance of gender norms, but they never made any attempt to stifle me, nor to encourage me more towards hetero-normative activities.

And so I got the My Little Pony collection for my 6th birthday, and fake vomit for Christmas, and I was happy.

In addition to the good fortune of having such caring and nurturing parents,
I also benefited from being a 'low key' gay child by the time I hit 5th grade. I was saved the middle school torment, and in the relative shelter of sexual ambiguity, I was able begin to understand who I was. It was this same quality that went on to spare me from a potentially disastrous Catholic boy's college prep school experience. 

For me - as for many gay men and women, I'd imagine - high school was trying. I felt isolated, confused, and frustrated on a near daily basis. It wasn't until long after I'd graduated, until the advent and rapid spread of Facebook, that I came to find that I was not the only gay member of my class, as I had assumed. As it turned out, there were more of us than I could have ever imagined.

And so, to the generation of gay boys and girls who are forging their way through middle school and high school now, I would like to say this: We are everywhere. Being gay is not a result of class, race, creed, or station.

So we are in every school, town, state, and political party - and always have been.
You may not always see us, but we are always nearby.

Ted's first, famous person same sex crushes:
Ryan Phillipe (in "54")
John Goodman (in "Roseanne")
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Kevin

Kevin, age 5

San Francisco, California (1983)

I have so many childhood pictures that, without a doubt, foreshadowed my future life as a gay man. In this picture, you can see that I was a happy child, who perhaps already had an affinity for phallic symbols. In other pictures in my collection, you'd find that I often pretended that I was a high-end fashion model, with one hand placed perfectly on my hip.

As I look at these past photos, I can't help but wonder how my parents didn't know I was gay.

I always played with my girl cousins and with their Barbie dolls. I sang, danced, and acted in our community musical theater.

And I got excited when the boys from "The Dukes of Hazzard" or Uncle Jesse from "Full House" took their shirts off.

Growing up as a Filipino American, with two immigrant parents and a large Catholic family, I quickly learned that these behaviors were unacceptable.

And I was often teased by my older brothers and male cousins.

I'd also see the looks of disappointment and disapproval in my parents' faces, when they saw me with a doll in my hand, or sketching my dream wedding dress.

To add even more pressure, I was already being teased as an ethnic minority;
for the foods that I brought to school, for the funny ways I pronounced things,
or sometimes blatantly for the color of my skin or the shape of my eyes.

Somehow at a young age, I realized that I couldn't hide my race, but I could try to hide my sexual orientation. So for the next 10-15 years, I had to pretend to be something I wasn't, while repressing layers of guilt, shame, hurt, and sadness.

When I was in my early 20's, I made the best decision of my life, and I slowly began to come out of the closet to my friends, my family, and eventually my parents. While some people were surprised and distant at first, most of my loved ones were able to show me that they still loved me.

But more importantly: for the first time in my life, I learned to love myself.

To all of the gay kids out there who are struggling with their identities, know that you're not the only one. We may not know exactly what you're going through in school right now, so we can't guarantee that "it will get better" right away.

But, I do hope seeing role models who got through it all at least gives you some hope that life is worth living. And, that you are amazing just the way you are.

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Ralph Macchio

My crushes were pretty diverse. I first loved Michael Jackson & Prince, then the list includes Kirk Cameron, Zack Morris ('Saved By The Bell'), & Rufio in 'Hook'
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Dita

Dita, age 2

Buena Park, California (1979)

Even at around age 2, I was pretty gay. This photo from Knot's Berry Farm is one in a series where I was sitting with different statues. In all the other pics, I'm not smiling. But as soon as I was sitting with the ladies? SAY CHEESE! Notice my hand on the lady's arm on the right. Early onset moves.

"I call this picture my 'root' "

I always knew I liked girls. A lot. I didn't understand what this meant until I was in my teens, but I always understood I was very different from my boy-crazy friends. Growing up 'playing house', my female friends always wanted me to play the 'dad' and practice kissing them, which I never had a problem with.

Coming out for me was a horrible experience. I was about 14 when I was outed by our family doctor. I spent some time in a mental-health facility, and was eventually kicked out of my home. After that, I had limited to no contact with my family for over 16 years.

Through my rough childhood and difficult teen years, the one person who was always there for me was Madonna. Her music touched me, and I lived for her interviews on MTV. She is smart, strong, and most importantly to me at the time - she is open, understanding, and full of love for the gay community. She made me feel like even if I was different, I wasn't alone or ugly for who I was.

To you young gays now: Being gay can be scary, especially when it comes to dealing with your family. You can feel alone and isolated, and if your family is anything like mine, you can feel afraid.

Please know that you can make it through. There are people out there who will love you for who you are. And support you, even if they are not your biological family. You can build your own support system, and possibly with time, those who have walked away from you will once again rejoin your life.

Dita's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Kellie Martin (in "Troop Beverly Hills" & "Life Goes On")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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