Kevin

Kevin, age 4

Akron, Ohio (1959)

Here, my older sisters dressed me up in their clothes, put me up front, and my dad took this picture. Looking back, a couple of things strike me about it. First, sisters are probably always wanting to dress up something or someone, like dolls or brothers, but most 3-year-old boys wouldn't allow it. Second, I struck a pose that gives it all away. I'm thankful my dad found the camera and actually took the picture, without protesting or objecting.

And notice my sisters weren't dressed nearly as pretty as I was!


I first knew I was "different" at 3-years old. I have a vivid memory of being in the back of my dad's '55 Buick station wagon, and seeing a really old man sitting on the ground in front of a building in downtown Akron, Ohio.

For some reason, I knew he had something I lacked, and I wanted it from him before he died. Turns out, that something I was missing was heterosexuality. That's a big word for a small kid, and I'm not saying that I knew exactly what was going on at that moment. But I do know that I felt different than my dad, brothers, or other men in general.

It was a sad moment for me, but it was the beginning of my knowing and understanding myself. I always knew down deep that I was different or gay, but I finally came out to myself and others at age 25.

And now, my life is good. I have a partner of 7 years, and 2 sons I adopted as infants, who are now 12 and 10 years old. I am out at work and everywhere I go. I don't believe in the closet - it's too stressful.

If others don't like me because I am gay, that's their problem. I already went through the self-acceptance process long ago -- starting with this picture of me in a dress!!!

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Don Grady (Robbie on "My Three Sons")

____________________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
Click to follow this blog with Bloglovin' Tweet

Ryan & Kevin

Ryan & Kevin, age 5

Mansfield, Texas (1996)

I'm Ryan (on the left), and this was just a normal day, playing with my - also gay - twin brother Kevin. We'd get in our baby blankets and pretend we were Cinderella and Snow White and have a blast putting on little shows for everyone. I remember singing along to cast recordings of "Annie" and "Wizard of Oz" all the time. We both loved to sing, act and dance, and still do.

I never thought I was that different than other little kids my age. But I didn’t exactly like to do boy stuff like go camping or be outside. I mainly liked doing the girl stuff. I remember we had a neighbor we played with, and she had a lot of Barbies. Kevin and I would play with them whenever we liked.

When we were 6, my mom asked us what we wanted for Christmas, and we proudly replied, 'We want Fairy Barbies.'  That must have been a big surprise for our parents, but that very Christmas we got our very own Barbies! It was one of my favorite Christmases of all time. 

Kevin and I weren't that popular during elementary school. It was very unhappy times for us, and I remember being made fun of for being gay when I was like 9. I didn't even know what the word meant! I thought it meant happy, so in a way it was a compliment. But I knew the way kids said it, that it was no compliment. I didn't know why people were picking on me, just that I felt a little unwanted. 

I remember in junior high phys. ed class that the guys talked about which girls were hot. I knew when a girl was more attractive, but I also knew which guy was more attractive. I felt like the only boy looking at the other boys in that class. I thought that every guy would notice when a hot guy would walk by.

It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I came out, first to my three best girl friends. They took it well, so I came out to the rest of the school. Everyone took it well, and most kids already knew. This got me picked on a little, but by then I knew how to fight for myself. There was one guy who picked on me in the halls, but his bullying was more psychological than physical.

Coming out to my parents wasn't a great situation. A kid from school told his parents that I came out, and he had a problem with it. They then called my parents - who I had not told yet. At that point, Kevin and I both came out to our mom, and she was great. I think she already knew (we'd asked for Barbies for heaven’s sake!), but my dad took longer getting used to it.

But now, he accepts both of us. And I thank my friends who helped my through that time. They were wonderful! 
______________________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
Click to follow this blog with Bloglovin' Tweet

Kevin

Kevin, age 3

Marlow, Oklahoma (1967)

This tea set was one of my cousin Suzanne's Christmas gifts. We're 7 months apart and we'd sometimes swap Christmas toys. One year we both got portable record players with companion story books. I got "Peter Rabbit" and Suzanne "Sleeping Beauty" and we traded. She always shared her Barbies with me, too.
It's one of the reasons I grew so close to Suzanne, as she never judged me about playing with "girl" toys. She's a grandmother now and we're still very close.

I learned from my family's reactions to my desire to play house (or dress up, or to have a Ken doll) that there was something odd in wanting these things. But I was totally ignorant of what it all meant. But in 4th grade, I asked my mother what the name I was being called on the playground meant. She told me that a "homo" was a man who lived with another man, like she lived with my father.

I could tell from the way she described it that she disapproved of "homos" too.
So I pretended to be disgusted by it. As I felt certain she was convinced that I was one too, I went upstairs and cried. There was a name for it, I knew it's what I was, and that I'd be hated for it. And I was horrified that everyone else could tell.

I felt I was the only one. I tried to butch it up, but wasn't very good at playing the lie. I was bullied remorselessly until I got older, and started making friends outside of high school and college. The bullying not only tortured me, it also did a number on my parents. It put them in a very difficult position of protecting me, while standing by and teaching me accepted social standards for male behavior.

That drove a wedge between us, even as they tried to comfort my regular crying fits of frustration and humiliation. I didn't feel they understood me, and I had no way to understand what they were going through either.

My father tells the story of how he went to work one day, and left his happy, gregarious, open, smiling son. And when he returned I was sullen, withdrawn and suspicious. My father thought that I was angry with him. We had a very hard time until after I was 26 and came out to them. He and my mother already knew, though she was deep in denial. But my dad already accepted me. He helped my mother through her problems with my sexuality, and continued to identify and grapple with his issues.

I wish that the social mores back then hadn't soured our relationship. But we're close now, we focus on the present, and my mother continues to come along. 

When I think about today's gay youth, I see some who still struggle with the difficulties that I, and so many others, had. But I also see so many young people who are defining the world with new eyes and fewer boundaries. They're evidence of the positive effect we've had on our world, by refusing to live in the shadows.

And they will go on to tell their stories, and those who struggle will become fewer and fewer. More people will realize that we are people, we are somewhere in every family, and we deserve to be treated fairly and with respect.

And soon accept that being gay isn't about what we do in bed, but who we love. 

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Superman (comic-book version)

But, I wanted to be Lois Lane
_____________________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
Click to follow this blog with Bloglovin' Tweet

Kevin

Kevin, age 5

San Francisco, California (1983)

I have so many childhood pictures that, without a doubt, foreshadowed my future life as a gay man. In this picture, you can see that I was a happy child, who perhaps already had an affinity for phallic symbols. In other pictures in my collection, you'd find that I often pretended that I was a high-end fashion model, with one hand placed perfectly on my hip.

As I look at these past photos, I can't help but wonder how my parents didn't know I was gay.

I always played with my girl cousins and with their Barbie dolls. I sang, danced, and acted in our community musical theater.

And I got excited when the boys from "The Dukes of Hazzard" or Uncle Jesse from "Full House" took their shirts off.

Growing up as a Filipino American, with two immigrant parents and a large Catholic family, I quickly learned that these behaviors were unacceptable.

And I was often teased by my older brothers and male cousins.

I'd also see the looks of disappointment and disapproval in my parents' faces, when they saw me with a doll in my hand, or sketching my dream wedding dress.

To add even more pressure, I was already being teased as an ethnic minority;
for the foods that I brought to school, for the funny ways I pronounced things,
or sometimes blatantly for the color of my skin or the shape of my eyes.

Somehow at a young age, I realized that I couldn't hide my race, but I could try to hide my sexual orientation. So for the next 10-15 years, I had to pretend to be something I wasn't, while repressing layers of guilt, shame, hurt, and sadness.

When I was in my early 20's, I made the best decision of my life, and I slowly began to come out of the closet to my friends, my family, and eventually my parents. While some people were surprised and distant at first, most of my loved ones were able to show me that they still loved me.

But more importantly: for the first time in my life, I learned to love myself.

To all of the gay kids out there who are struggling with their identities, know that you're not the only one. We may not know exactly what you're going through in school right now, so we can't guarantee that "it will get better" right away.

But, I do hope seeing role models who got through it all at least gives you some hope that life is worth living. And, that you are amazing just the way you are.

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Ralph Macchio

My crushes were pretty diverse. I first loved Michael Jackson & Prince, then the list includes Kirk Cameron, Zack Morris ('Saved By The Bell'), & Rufio in 'Hook'
_______________________________________________

Kevin

Kevin, age 3
Granby, Connecticut (1964)

This is a picture of me with my sister and her life sized doll. She used to love to dress me in that dolls' clothes when we played together! I remember when I was a little older, I'd sneak up into the attic to play with this doll and her Barbie dolls. I just loved dressing them and spent every minute I could with them.

"With Paula... and The Future Bride Of Chucky!"

I remember trying to “come out” to my Mother when I was about 10, but I just couldn't find the words to clearly say what I was feeling. I could only explain that I liked to do things that girls liked to do, like play house and play with dolls. She assured me it was OK for boys to like those things, and not to worry about it.

The deeper secret that I could not bring myself to tell her was my fascination with grown mens' hairy forearms and arm pits. We had a roofer one Summer working on the house, and I'd climb the ladder every day to watch him work shirtless - without really understanding why he was so fascinating.

Looking at this pic today, I remember how happy I was in that innocent time before beginning school and becoming a total misfit. I always stood out as the effeminate one, constantly picked on all through grade school into high school.

My Father and brother did their best trying to “butch” me up, but I was just too sensitive to enjoy our frequent hunting and fishing trips, and always preferred doing something creative instead. I was always much more comfortable spending time with the women in my family.

My way of rationalizing all of this, was that I was learning how to do everything a man and a woman could do, so I'd always be able to take care of myself.

I never lost faith that there would be a "happily ever after" for me and I finally found it! I have been with my husband 15 years this year. We retired earlier this year (both before age 50) and we're living a permanent vacation in Florida now.

We had a wonderful Civil Union in Connecticut when they became legal, and also married there when that law passed.

I wouldn't change one thing about my past struggles, because those challenges have made me the self-confident person that I am today!

So remember, kids: school years are hard for everyone. Even the most popular and highest achievers have their crosses to bear. I learned later in life that most bullies, when challenged, back right down.

Bullies attack because of their own insecurities. The most beautiful don't think they are good looking, and the brightest don't believe they're smart enough.

So just be strong and be confident - even when you are scared to death!

Kevin's first famous person same sex crushes:
Robert Conrad ("The Wild, Wild West")
Robert's tight pants made me crazy!
Oh, and Wally from 'Leave It To Beaver' sure looked great in a T-shirt!
__________________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
Click to follow this blog with Bloglovin' Tweet

Kevin

Kevin, age 5

Lancaster, PA (1988)

It was a cool fall day at the Lancaster train station, I'd done ALL of my chores for 1 month, and it was time for my reward - a trip on a TRAIN to Harrisburg with my mom and my grandmothers. I had my little hat on, knee-high socks under my pants, and saddle shoes. I. Was. Ready! I remember being so excited being all dressed up for such a special treat for me. What little boy doesn't love a cute hat and saddle shoes?

I knew I was gay in elementary school, but didn't come to terms with it until college. Looking back,
I wish I would have strapped on saddle shoes and strutted down the halls of my alma mater with more pride than I did.

Being out and proud now (at age 27) is the best thing that could have happened to me.

I am now a teacher and able to be a role model for my closeted (and not-so-closeted) students in Boston.

And - to this day - I am still in search of the *perfect* saddle shoe!

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas ("Home Improvement")

I loved his bowl-cut hair
________________________________________________
  

Kevin

Kevin, age 6

Stamping Ground, KY (1970)

So this is me in 1970. I was 6 years old in this picture and the red hair just made me the class clown. This was taken at Stamping Ground Elementary, in a tiny town in a Baptist Community. I knew I was gay at 13 when I was attracted to Alan, my next door neighbor.

I actually was nearly killed in the yard of the old church in town by another boy throwing rocks up at the roof.

He had broken a piece of slate off and that struck me in the head from 30 feet up. So I had a "Damien" complex with the Baptist Church from then on...


To this day, anyone who makes fun of religion tickles me.

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Robert Conrad (in "The Wild, Wild West")
Any episode with him tied up...

Kevin

Kevin, age 4
Decatur, Illinois (1958)

In my photo, I had been "helping" my Mom in the kitchen, and there were a couple of oranges handy. So I slipped them under my T-shirt just goofin' around. In the background is a photo of me in a more typical '50's cowboy getup.

I'm as gay as a goose, but I've done drag only twice, on Halloween. So this moment wasn't a precursor of anything but my basic outlook on life - which is to have fun, and don't take yourself too seriously.

I think I first figured out I might be attracted to other boys around 5th grade or so, but I distinctly remember early TV crushes on Wally ("Leave It To Beaver") and Robby ("My 3 Sons"). They were so cute. I liked older boys, to be sure.

But later in life, my attractions got a bit more erratic! :)

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Tony Dow (Wally on "Leave It To Beaver")
______________________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
Click to follow this blog with Bloglovin' Tweet

Kevin

Kevin, age 7
Hamden, Connecticut (1971)

This is me and my Charlie McCarthy doll. I think this picture explains it all.
I LOVED this doll. Most dolls actually. I loved playing with my sisters Barbie dolls. My other favorite doll was my Mattel Big Jim doll. He was smaller than G.I. Joe or Ken, but much more muscular and handsome. He also had a fiend named Big Josh. I would let them sleep together in the Big Jim camper.

I never felt any different as a child, but looking back on old family photos, it was quite obvious, who the gay child was. It want until I was much older and got to know my family better that I learned how much my parents struggled with it.

They never treated me any differently than my brothers or sisters (or at least I did not feel that I was treated differently), but they did struggle with it.

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lee Majors ("The Six Million Dollar Man")

He was so masculine and manly. I always felt a little different "down there"
when I would watch that show as a child.
___________________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

Click to follow my blog with Bloglovin' Tweet

Kevin

Kevin, age 4

N. Mississippi (1981)

I don't really remember a lot about this time. I had two older brothers who where really into hunting and fishing, something I have never enjoyed. About this same time, I got a Barbie "Styling Head" for Christmas from my Mom, officially because my Mom liked to relax by having someone comb her hair.
And I got a Winchester shotgun from my dad.

The Barbie head got a lot more use than the shotgun ever did.

"I've always been a bear lover"

It's hard to answer when first knew I was gay, or felt "different". Most people talk about a closet when coming out. I had a brick wall of religious ideology to bust through before I could open the closet door. I credit the 5 openly gay guys in my senior class for helping me start the process indirectly - even though it was three more years before I came out to myself.

I enjoyed my childhood, and thankfully was never really picked on.

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

David James Elliott (Cmdr. Harmon Rabb from "JAG")
________________________________________________

Kevin

Kevin, age 7

Basking Ridge, New Jersey (1990)

"Thpeak and thpell"

The photo itself might not scream "little gay boy" -

but upon careful inspection, you'll notice I had all of four teeth at this time. For some reason, my adult teeth took forever to grow in, leaving me with the thickest lisp possible.

For years. It was so bad, that my school had to send me to speech class for 3 years - a class they created just for me.

Thus, I thounded like the gayeth little boy in the whole thcool.

It also didn't help that I wore that mock turtle neck every day, like it was a full time job.

I remember an obsession with swords at this time in my life. Why? So I could pretend to be She-Ra, of course. Never He-Man. Nobody could make out the fact that I was saying 'By the power of Grayskull', and aunts and uncles still tease me to this day my shouting 'Baw-dee-aw-nees of Graythkull!' ... Good times.

In retrospect, it all worked out really well. I grew up from a little, gay boy to a big, gay man. And I now run a company called Unicorn Booty that helps keeps the LGBTQ community aware of pop-culture and activism.

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Joey Lawrence (from "Blossom")

Kevin is also featured in the
"Born This Way: Real Stories Of Growing Up Gay" book!
Click HERE to check it out.
_______________________________________________
    

Kevin

"Big girl twirling a baton"

Kevin, age 4

Cozad, Nebraska (1964)

My name is Kevin and I'm originally from a small town in Nebraska.

At the time this photo was taken, I was joyful, giddy, fearless, and ready to perform.

I mean, who wouldn't want to dance around on stage and receive all that attention? I remember being especially excited to see the older girls with their fire batons.

The baton lessons lasted only one summer, and after that I started to get the message that:

"Boys don't twirl the baton or play with Barbie."

It was around this same time that I remember being fascinated by the older boys at the pool. Although it wasn't until I was age 20 that I embraced my sexual identity.

It took me a long time to get comfortable with this image, but now I look at it with great affection.

Sometimes I wonder who I would have become if I'd been in a more "artistic" family, or had any gay role models.

That being said, my parents did the best that they could, and Mom continues to show her love and support.

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Andy Williams & Adam West
____________________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

Tweet