René

René, age 5

San Salvador, El Salvador (1987)

I found this picture of me at a Kindergarten recital. I remember being picked to be first in line and how excited that made me. My love for dancing started at a very early age, and I remember how much I enjoyed learning the choreography and how good I was at it. And I also had a baton!

The hairstyle wasn't my choice, it was my Mom's. I remember spending way too much time in front of the mirror that day - a habit that has only gotten worst as an adult, I must admit.

Although my childhood memories are somewhat scarce, like many I remember feeling different from the get go. I grew up in a very conservative Catholic society, and although my parents were not fanatics,
I learned at a very young age that the safest place for me was inside my head.

My Dad later had suspicions of my "true nature" early on as well. He used to take me to soccer games, until I sided with his team's archenemy - because I liked their uniforms better. But on the whole, sports never tickled my fancy.

As I grew older, my mannerisms and slightly higher-pitched voice made me an easy target for the bullies at school we dealt with. I remember how tirelessly and unsuccessfully I tried to fit in. My first boy crush happened during the time I was a Boy Scout, and I couldn't stop admiring my Scout Master.

That feeling of "difference" from others started out positive. I remember feeling a higher sense of understanding, and an idea that I was destined to do something great. Somehow along the way and influenced by others, I allowed myself to think that it wasn’t good, that I wasn’t good, and that I should comply.

Well compliance no more! When I got out from the haze, I finally realized how much being gay added to my life. And the experiences, pleasures, and intensity
I wouldn't know, if I hadn't been born this way.

And although I had some really rough times - I got through. And that confused and often scared little boy now stands a tall and proud GAY MAN!

Well, more proud than tall - I'm only 5' 5"...

René's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Javier Bardem (in "Jamon Jamon")

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Barbara

Barbara, age 4
W. Nebraska (1955)

Hello and thanks for this great project!

My name is Barbara, and this photo was taken in western Nebraska.

At this point in my life, I was still waiting for Peter Pan to show up and repair the mistaken gender assignment I got at birth. And, turn me back into the boy I truly was.

A few years later my Aunt Lillian, dressed in a spangled cowboy shirt and a very cool hat, swooped me up onto her horse, and I relented on my wish to be a boy.

Girls were cowboys too, but smelled better.

Barabara's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Peggy Fleming (Olympic figure skater)

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Carter

Carter, age 15

Greensboro, N. Carolina (1975)

Talk about ELABORATE clues!

I wonder what my parents were thinking - or refusing to think - as my Barbra Streisand obsession took over my mid-teens, along with a whole bedroom wall. And to think they were actually shocked 3 years later when I came out.

"Streisand 'n me"

I came out in a very bad way, throwing it out to my mother after she'd grounded me for the night, preventing me from going disco dancing. I started screaming 'I'M GAY! I'M A FAG! A HOMO' and ran around the house telling my Dad and my kid sister, who was reduced to tears.

After I emotionally collapsed and went downstairs, my Mom told me to go upstairs and tell my sister I only said that to hurt her. Which I did. Soon after, all my friends were banned from coming over to the house - even the straight ones my mom couldn't be sure of. And we never talked about any of it again.

Well, except for that time a couple years later. A boyfriend I'd run away from home with, showed up at the house looking for me.

And that's a whooooole other story.

Carter's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Race Bannon ("Jonny Quest")
That show featured almost all men and was very homoerotic. I imagined Race & Dr. Quest as boyfriends, and I had all kinds of fantasies going on about them.
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Liliana

Liliana, age 8

Los Angeles, CA 1981

I hated dresses as a child. I remember my mom would force them on me and I just felt she was being cruel by making me wear something I didn't like. I'm an only child, and my mom tried in vain to mold me into the perfect young lady she wanted me to be.

Back then I was really into watching "CHiPs," "Battlestar Galactica", and I remember looking at rap album covers like Run DMC, so I began really digging the track suits. Just a short few years later I would learn to break-dance. Ha ha ha!

I had nothing but boys as friends, and enjoyed all things relating to them, such as Matchbox cars and GI Joe action figures.

And since it was the early 80's - I was fascinated with outer space and Star Wars. In fact, we use to role play - and yes, I always wanted to either be Luke Skywalker or Han Solo.

I never thought of myself as being gay, but other kids called me a tomboy at school, and it was relentless.

My young life was awkward. I remember having these feelings for all sorts of girls and never feeling that way about a boy at all. I guess in my case, I feel I was born this way. And personally, I love it.

But I didn't officially come out of the closet until my early 30's, and guess what - it was no big deal. I guess everyone already just figured out I was gay.

I am now living my life the way I guess I always wanted to, and I have an amazingly beautiful girlfriend to show for it. I love who I am and the experiences I've had, and hopefully will continue to have until a very old age.
   
My advice for gay kids is: Hang in there. It does get much better.
Even for a young Salvadoran-American growing up in a very conservative home.

Liliana's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Drew Barrymore (in "E.T." and "Firestarter")

Lara Jill Miller (on "Gimme A Break!")

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Stephen

Stephen, age 4

Taunton, Massachusetts (1978)

This was shot on a family vacation to Rangeley Lakes, Maine. My parents, sister, grandparents, aunt and I all stayed in a cool, cozy rented cabin on the water.

My sister and I were excited to sleep in the loft.

My parents bought us a Polaroid camera to take on the trip, and my sister and I were pretending we were models.

This is a shot just before going to bed. I'm taking a sip of water, but it really looks like I am having a night-cap.

And truth be told, we weren't playing model anymore.
I really was just sitting like that.

As I got older, this photo would elicit a variety of responses when we would look through family photo albums. My mother would smile and pat me on the head, my father would grimace and groan, and my sister would giggle. I rather liked it, but sensed there was something "wrong" with it.

My mother has since passed away, but the rest of my family is now rather proud of this photo. It is  evidence that I was indeed born with a little sparkle. If my mother were still here, I am 100% sure this would have ended up framed on the fireplace mantle. But I took the photo home before my father could do the same.

As for when I "knew" I think this photo is proof that I always had "it" and flaunted "it."

While I didn't end up being the football playing son my dad had hoped for,
I ended up being the type of son he never knew he wanted. I'm now in Provincetown, and he makes a trip to visit every summer. We get along great, and he even looks forward to going to the drag shows with me.

My first crush was on Bo Duke (John Schneider on the "Dukes of Hazzard"). When I told my friends in Hopewell Elementary School, they all went 'Eeewww!' Whatever. I still loved my "Dukes of Hazzard" lunchbox, and I fantasized that
Bo Duke would pick me up and rescue me in the General Lee.

While that didn't happen, my partner now does resemble John Schneider a bit.
As they say, the first cut is the deepest.

And things do indeed get better. Much, much better.

Stephen's first, famous-person same sex crush:

John Schneider ("Dukes of Hazzard")
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Patti

Patti, age 3

Jacksonville, FL (1961)

This is the final picture in a series of photos with me and my older brother.
The earlier photos show me pitching a fit to be allowed to drive this fire engine - by myself. I wasn’t content to be seated in the back, nor in sharing the ride with my brother. I remember wanting to drive and to not be wearing this dress! Today, I still kinda feel bad for kicking my brother out of the Fire Chief's seat.

"WHERE'S THE FIRE?!"

Being raised in the bible-belt as a Southern Baptist, it was natural for me to attempt to repress feelings that I was different, though I was certainly considered a tomboy.

I grew up in a time when kids could play anywhere they wanted as long as you were close enough to hear your dad's whistle calling you home RIGHT NOW!
I could often be found in some tree fort playing war games with the other neighborhood boys.

To my brother's chagrin, as little tow-headed kids running around shirtless in swim trunks, we were often mistaken for twin brothers. I don’t remember if he was more bothered that people thought we were the same age - or the same gender!

I looked forward to his hand-me-downs and still resist the urge to raid his closet when I visit him now. Though not initially happy that his little sister was gay, he always remained protective of me even if we fought like cats and dogs at home.

To young kids trying to figure things out, find someone you can trust to talk to about how you’re feeling, especially if you’re being bullied. You are not alone and no matter what, it gets better.

Patti's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Karen Carpenter
It’s funny how all of my daydreams about her
involved rescuing her from some catastrophe.