Mark

Mark, age 16

Portland, OR (1962)

It's been a great time reading the inspired and heartfelt blog posts here. Now at age 64, it has allowed me to remember that as a kid, I always sort-of knew something was different about me. But in the 1950's, in my little Oregon cow-town, in a religious home, I knew nothing about life until well into college.

I remember wanting a dollhouse at age 5, and having a crush on Rock Hudson the first time I saw him on TV. And KNOWING I needed to someday get out of that remote town I lived in. None of those feelings were connected to farming life, where football was king.

This pic is my favorite, since being the piano guy at 16 kept me "in" enough at that age to be included. Although I always felt I was alone somehow.

As others experienced, I was aware of being different, but not why or what. So I could not "change" anything. I sort of had to let myself be snickered at sometimes during phys ed classes.

The most intense day I spent in high school was trying to "explain" to my "best friend" - who was unaware of the crush I had on him - that I was upset he was spending so much time with his girlfriend.

In the middle of that awkward conversation, I said out loud (while becoming aware of it), 'This sounds like a girlfriend talk, doesn’t it?'  It bothered me so much, I excused myself and went home. I spent that evening trying to understand what happened. And our friendship became awkward from then on.

Lots of things happened that I should have been aware were gay-like, but there was SO little information back then. I had NO reference for those experiences at all. I simply thought if I stayed "religious" I'd outgrow those "mystery" feelings.

Luckily, my life bloomed at age 21, and has from that time on. And my partner and I are in our 23rd year together.

Clint

Clint, age 5

Bloomington, Minnesota (1987)

This photo of me at 5 is quite the foreshadowing. As a kid, I was an odd little thing. I was a goofball, comical, and very eccentric, and not much has changed since. I was an honors student who was friends with the troublemakers. I liked living a "double life" - studious but mischievous. I think this dichotomy allowed me to also separate my attraction for guys from the norms of male pubescence.

"Foreshadow"

I started thinking about boys in middle school, but I didn't have a strong concept of sexuality or what attraction was.

My attraction to men was asserted in high school. The school jocks were definitely my inspiration, for lack of a better word, while fantasizing. Admittedly I often stole some of my sister's Teen Beat magazines.

It was then that I starting thinking that men were the bee's knees. I also had a big crush on Kevin Richardson from the Backstreet Boys.

I'm a big homo, I know.

In my sophomore year of college, I decided it was time to "seal the deal" and live as a gay man. I started dating an older man, 15 years my senior, and needed to tell my friends and family that he wasn't just a friend. I was petrified.

I am a ballsy guy, so after I told my closest friends, I sat my entire extended family down at Thanksgiving and simply said, "I am gay." The reply from the crowd was, "So? We love you for you." Thus, my coming out was very smooth.

I feel like my picture represents a yearning to come out at an early age, but letting societal norms keep me closeted for too long. I was angry for a long time for not being able to be me.

So, my message for kids who are curious, questioning, or ready to come out is:
Coming out is like pulling off a Band-Aid. Some Band-Aids come off easily, while others hurt. However, when that Band-Aid is finally gone, the healing can really begin. And you will know when the time is right.
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Dallas

Dallas, age 2

N. Vancouver, BC, Canada (1975)

Here I am age 2, in the yellow rusted wagon in my Grandma's three-level backyard. The view was amazing, and looked out unto the ocean and the mountains. I remember hanging out in the backyard with my hand-me-down denim, bell-bottomed overalls, and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders t-shirt (thanks Dad), pretending that this backyard was my neighborhood. Everyone was nice, and I had my own bike, so I was completely independent.

When we played house, I never had a "husband" like the rest of my neighbors, and I would live alone or with my best friend. We didn't have any kids, but we had the nicest house in the town. Looking back, I realize that this may have been different than most little girls under the age of 10.

I had dolls, but they usually ended up with hair cut into a short, spiky hairdo, and who would often 'kiss' other dolls.

My Barbies took lots of camping trips with their friends in the Barbie Camper, and there was never a Ken doll involved. I realized then that Barbies were supposed to have Kens, but I didn't want one.

I never felt different, though. My parents never, ever, showed disapproval of me. My friends went along with my Barbie antics, no questions asked. I wonder if they realize now that I'm out, that these things were in fact, different?

Back then, I adored Lauren Tewes (Julie on "The Love Boat") and something about her eyes and her smile captivated me. I also loved Joan Jett. Her power as a musician and her raw sex appeal awakened something in me that made me feel strong. I knew I was unique, but it fueled me to remain so, and I did.

My message for gay kids today is:
Don't ever give up your uniqueness.
Embrace what you have. Monotony is boring!

Dallas' first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lauren Tewes ("The Love Boat")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Ashley

Ashley, age 10

Spring, Texas (2000)

I remember secretly watching Showtime on a school night. I don't remember what was said, but I remember exactly how I felt when "Alice" winked at the girl across from her on "The L Word." I totally died from that small interaction. Died.

I can remember as far back as 3rd grade when the feelings arose.
I was always a tomboy and I loathed any attempt to try to mask that fact with dresses and frills.

Awkward would be the one word to sum it up. And I have many women in my family who have perpetuated that awkwardness.

When I took this picture, I was comfortable and unaware. Before the realization that manly was what I looked like sometimes, when I was comfortable.

Then the realization did come, and the second I laid eyes on it, my stomach fell. I knew what I saw and didn't like it.

But a cute girl in my class did like it, which made me feel a bit better. My mom did too, which eased that feeling even more. My grandmother, however, tossed those positive reinforcements out the window, cocked her head to the side and said: "You look like one of those ‘What’s Up’ girls."

"What!?" I said, even though I totally knew. "Gay" she said. And now my stomach had left the building. I went to my room and stared off in silence, with that wrenching feeling like she insulted my entire being.

I was never ashamed of being gay on the inside, just afraid that it had the power to show on the outside. I was aware that it was taboo. And I was aware that I didn’t want to be taboo in anyone’s eyes.

Every picture of me after that until high school was an awkward rollercoaster. How should I sit? Oh God, did I do that smirk? Is my Adam's apple the ONLY thing you can see?

I sometimes carry that particular self-consciousness today. Partly because I also operate very femme, things have changed, and I'm not as rough as I used to be.

But looking back on things now, I would tell today's youth not to disconnect from any of it, but to embrace it all - and just smile for your picture.

"We need your voice. Your voice is important. Without your voice, part of me gets lost. Because each person we lose, is a loss for everyone." – In The Life, TV

Ashley's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Tatyana M. Ali (in "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air")

Leisha Hailey (in "The L Word")

Also check out "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Jon

Jon, age 10

Leawood, Kansas (1990)

I got my love of reading from my mother, pictured with me enjoying our mutual hobby. Here, I'm reading a Babysitter's Club book. Reading books "meant for girls" caused teasing by my sister and bullies at school, but I didn’t care.

I read all of those books, as well as Judy Blume's "Are You There God? It's Me Margaret." I found myself re-reading the sections in it where Margaret and her girl friends talked about their budding attractions to boys. In hind sight, I was drawn to those sections, because I was experiencing the same feelings as Margaret and her friends.

I knew what "gay" was by the time I was 11 or so, but since boys used it to insult one another, I refused to even consider that I might be that word.

I always felt different, because I hated sports and never understood why other boys were obsessed with them. My interests were indoor activities such as board games. I was fortunate that I was able to use this interest to socialize with other boys after school. 

My mother and I became close during my teenage years when my sister moved away for college, and it was just she and I at home. Regrettably, I never had the chance to come out to her. She passed away from cancer when I was 19. I spent the next year both grieving her loss and accepting that being gay was okay.

I often find myself imagining the conversation my mother and I never had, trying to imagine what her response would've been. My best guess is she would have had some sleepless nights thinking how this would affect my life, as well as hers. But, I am 100% sure that she would have loved and accepted me without hesitation! I can even envision her marching with PFLAG in a pride parade!

Today, I'm 31, happy, and have been with my partner for 7 years.
And I cannot imagine my life any other way!

Jon's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Burt Ward (Robin on "Batman")

Mark-Paul Gosselaar ("Saved By The Bell")

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Morgan

Morgan, age 8

North Hollywood, California (1989)

This is me at the tender age of 8, with my brother on Halloween.

I was OBSESSED with Elvira (I still am), and wanted to be just like her.

My mother is an independent, thoughtful woman who always supported me in anything I wanted to do.

When we went trick or treating that night in 1989, she and I received the most intense looks.

One woman said to her, "I can't believe you let your son dress like that."

My Mom simply responded:
"My son will dress however he wants to dress!"

At the time I had no idea what I was doing wasn't "normal."

I was blessed with a amazing mother who reminded me that being "normal" was boring anyway. I was gay then, like I am now: I was born this way.
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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