Tae

Tae, age 5

New York, NY (1988)

I don't remember taking this photo, nor do I remember the story behind it. Was the fan just lying around the room? Who's idea was it to include it in the photo? Did my pose come naturally to me, or was I coerced by some older cousin who thought it'd be funny? Most of that day's details remain fuzzy, but what I can confirm, is that this was taken while on vacation in Seoul, South Korea.

It's interesting how the brain works, but I have a lot more morose childhood memories than happy ones. I had terrible anxiety and really low self esteem back then, with a constant underlying sense of unhappiness at all times.

Stumbling on this photo a few years ago took me aback, because I actually seem really happy in it. Sure, I have other childhood photos of me smiling, but they're few and far between.

I naturally smile with a slight smirk, so this ear-to-ear grin going on makes me take note.

Growing up, I don’t think I fully understood that I was different. At least not until I graduated from high school. I was always a natural recluse, and feeling incompatible with the people around me was something I grew accustomed to.

But I have grown tremendously since then, and now I am so much more comfortable and happy in my own skin. Coming out to my friends (and more recently to my family) has helped a lot, because I finally feel like I can move on to the next chapter of my life. Chapters which I document on my own blog.

Not everyone is going to accept who I am, but I now know that has nothing to do with me, and has more to do with that person's issues. If a person can't understand the fundamental idea that people are born different, then there's not much else I can do for them, until they come to that realization.

As a kid, it was easy to feel helpless and like I had no way to escape. But I'm happy to say that as an adult, that's where I take all my accumulated learning lessons and use them as tools for life. Wisdom really does come with age, and that's enough for me to have something to look forward to every morning.

Claire

Claire, age 8

Atlanta, GA (1984)

This picture is of me hanging out at my Uncle's house on a Saturday afternoon, watching UGA football with him and my cousins.

The cowboy hat and boots belonged to my Uncle, and he let me wear them all day. I thought I was hot stuff!

I loved being around my older cousins, too! They were so awesome.

And I can honestly say that I was born this way!

And the best part, is that I was born into a wonderfully loving family who accepts me for who I am.

Claire's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Linda Carter (as "Wonder Woman")

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Magno

Magno, age 10

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil (1994)

As a little boy, I was often mistaken for a girl. Not only by school mates who didn't know me well, but also sometimes people on the street. I suspect it was because of my skinny build and my long, bushy hair. My father wanted it kept short, but he'd let me grow it for months before eventually forcing me to trim it.

I also had a very "girly" voice. Some other kids' parents advised me to try and sound more masculine when I spoke, and when I tried to explain to them that my voice sounded that way naturally, they just frowned at me.

I had a best girl-friend in my building who had lots of toys and dolls, and whenever the kids gathered together to play with her stuff, I would always pick the Barbies.

The good thing about coming across as gay so young, is that you never really have to hide or disguise anything. There's no such thing as a "coming out," since people already see you're different, and treat you as such.

The terrible thing about it, is that owing to being different and gay meant dealing with a lot of bullying, confusion, and suffering. I was called "gay" or "f*ggot" often, all before I was even able to fully understand what being gay means.

I went through hell during my school years, and it wasn't until about age 17 that things began to change a bit. That was when I decided there was nothing wrong with me. If people weren't OK with me being gay (be it family members, friends, whoever), then to hell with them.

My advice to young gay kids: School years can be hard, and I suspect they were even harder when I was your age. There weren't any support groups fighting to end the bullying, as there is now. But eventually, all that pain will be gone.

I learned to accept myself the way I am, and learned not to care about other people's opinion about my sexuality.

Magno's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Macaulay Culkin (in "Home Alone") & Elijah Wood

Shannon

Shannon, age 10

Hamilton, Indiana (1983)

Here I am on my first of many motorcycles, in all of my moto glory! I had an older brother I idolized and was raised on a lake, in a neighborhood of boys. Clearly I wanted to be one! I suppose my parents wrote it off as self-preservation at the time, but I knew deep down it was my truth bubbling to the surface.

I played with dolls too, but I was often the "spouse" who kissed my significant other goodbye in the morning, tousled the doll's hair, and whistled as I headed out the door with my proverbial briefcase.

My Mom sent this picture to me about 5 years ago with a note that read:
"I suppose we should have seen it coming..." I called her then and we had a good laugh about what we both overlooked at the time. Being raised in the Midwest in the 80s/90s didn’t allow for much diversity. And being gay wasn't an option.

I love that my parents bought me dolls, motorcycles, and anything else that seemed important to me. Whether they knew it or not, they gave me a safe, loving environment to discover my true self. It took me well into adulthood to figure it all out, but at the end of the day I thanked my parents for their unconditional love.

I came out when I was 30 and one of my friends said it was 'too easy' for me.
I had parents who continued to love me unconditionally, friends who were accepting, and I worked for a gay-friendly company in San Francisco at the time.

In hindsight it may have looked easy, but I went through years of torment;
I never felt like I fit in anywhere. Sure I kissed the little boys on the playground like everyone else, but I was secretly longing for my 2nd grade teacher. She was beautiful, smart, and confident. And all I really wanted was to stay inside during recess and be in her presence.

My path was full of batons, tap shoes, motorcycles, dolls, and Hot Wheels and I wouldn’t trade any of those, because each experience made me who I am today.
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John

John, age 4

Pikeville, N. Carolina (1984)

I always felt different as a kid, but never knew why. I was described as "sweet, loving, empathetic, artistic" - later realizing all those words were code for gay.
I was the middle child of five, with two older sisters and two younger sisters. My childhood was spent playing dress up and putting on impromptu fashion shows with my sisters. I always loved dolls and girly things, but knew it was wrong and was something to hide. Growing up a devout Mormon didn't help the matter.

When I was finally old enough to realize I was "a gay," I immediately turned to self loathing and entered a deep depression.

I prayed for God to change me, and tried to avoid thoughts of other guys. At 17, I realized I could not change who I am, nor could not 'pray the gay away.'

Not knowing there was a world out there that could accept me for who I was, I tried to take my own life.

I was admitted to the hospital and kept for two weeks in a mental ward. It was there that I came out to my first person. It was a therapist, who on the final day of my stay, came into my room and said she knew I was holding something back.

I burst into tears and said:
'I'm gay, and I think I'm going to hell.'

I was so hoping to hear from her what I felt in my heart, such as, "No, you are a good person, that's what counts. Your actions define who you are, not who you are attracted to." All I wanted was a little reassurance, some understanding and comfort. Instead she said, "Now is the time you should turn to God. Now is the time to pray." I smiled and nodded, but I knew she was wrong.

At that moment, I realized that any God who would condemn me for something I could not control, was no God of mine. I left the hospital renewed in my self worth. I was weeks from my 18th birthday, and finally felt like there was a chance for me to be happy. I came out to others, and each time regardless of their reaction, I came to accept myself a little more.

Today I am a 31-year old man with a bright life and a positive outlook. All my struggles have given me the character and strength to overcome obstacles that would easily derail others. I love myself and know that I am not defined by my sexual orientation. I am lucky enough to have a family who accepts me (now), and a sister who is also gay, and she's an inspiration to me.

I hope anyone reading this can realize that they are special and worthy of love, no matter who they are. Our world is changing for the better, and each new day gives me renewed hope for the future. Life is good, and it is definitely worth living, even when things seem the bleakest. So hang in there! It gets better!!!
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Maureen

Maureen, age 9

Pasadena, California (1957)

I'm here on the right with my BFF Cheryl, who I realized much later, was my "girlfriend". We're snuggled up together here, and we used to hug and kiss every time we met. At our age in that era, people thought it was "cute". I really loved her, and asked my folks if we could adopt her, even though she had parents.

She was my first real "crush" - and though I didn't know why, the way I loved her was "different". Several years later, my next crush in high school was recognized for what it was by the nuns. And my parents got a letter informing them that my classes had been changed, due to an "inappropriate friendship," and my dad didn't know what that meant.

But here, with Cheryl, I knew I was in love and it felt wonderful.

In the 1950's, no one used the word "gay" yet, and I didn't know what a "homosexual" was. But I usually had at least one "girl-crush" every school year. And by the time I was in 9th grade, in an all-girls Catholic school, all the girls would get together and giggle about boys - and I would be looking at them.

Today, as I look at this photo, I wish what I felt then had been recognizable and accepted. After a marriage, kids, abuse, and a nervous breakdown, I finally came out to myself and others at age 48. At that time, I had met the love of my life, and she was a transgendered woman.

Now, I am a Witch and a Unitarian Universalist. My church recognizes same-sex unions, so I married my wife 15 years ago. Today, I am happily settled with my life partner, openly gay, and Pagan. And with children (from the first, disastrous marriage) and grandkids who love and accept Mamo and Nana for who they are.

After all the angst I experienced, I would like to tell gay kids that it definitely gets better.

Maureen's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Audrey Hepburn
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
Click to follow my blog with Bloglovin' Tweet

Mark

Mark, age 16

Portland, OR (1962)

It's been a great time reading the inspired and heartfelt blog posts here. Now at age 64, it has allowed me to remember that as a kid, I always sort-of knew something was different about me. But in the 1950's, in my little Oregon cow-town, in a religious home, I knew nothing about life until well into college.

I remember wanting a dollhouse at age 5, and having a crush on Rock Hudson the first time I saw him on TV. And KNOWING I needed to someday get out of that remote town I lived in. None of those feelings were connected to farming life, where football was king.

This pic is my favorite, since being the piano guy at 16 kept me "in" enough at that age to be included. Although I always felt I was alone somehow.

As others experienced, I was aware of being different, but not why or what. So I could not "change" anything. I sort of had to let myself be snickered at sometimes during phys ed classes.

The most intense day I spent in high school was trying to "explain" to my "best friend" - who was unaware of the crush I had on him - that I was upset he was spending so much time with his girlfriend.

In the middle of that awkward conversation, I said out loud (while becoming aware of it), 'This sounds like a girlfriend talk, doesn’t it?'  It bothered me so much, I excused myself and went home. I spent that evening trying to understand what happened. And our friendship became awkward from then on.

Lots of things happened that I should have been aware were gay-like, but there was SO little information back then. I had NO reference for those experiences at all. I simply thought if I stayed "religious" I'd outgrow those "mystery" feelings.

Luckily, my life bloomed at age 21, and has from that time on. And my partner and I are in our 23rd year together.

Clint

Clint, age 5

Bloomington, Minnesota (1987)

This photo of me at 5 is quite the foreshadowing. As a kid, I was an odd little thing. I was a goofball, comical, and very eccentric, and not much has changed since. I was an honors student who was friends with the troublemakers. I liked living a "double life" - studious but mischievous. I think this dichotomy allowed me to also separate my attraction for guys from the norms of male pubescence.

"Foreshadow"

I started thinking about boys in middle school, but I didn't have a strong concept of sexuality or what attraction was.

My attraction to men was asserted in high school. The school jocks were definitely my inspiration, for lack of a better word, while fantasizing. Admittedly I often stole some of my sister's Teen Beat magazines.

It was then that I starting thinking that men were the bee's knees. I also had a big crush on Kevin Richardson from the Backstreet Boys.

I'm a big homo, I know.

In my sophomore year of college, I decided it was time to "seal the deal" and live as a gay man. I started dating an older man, 15 years my senior, and needed to tell my friends and family that he wasn't just a friend. I was petrified.

I am a ballsy guy, so after I told my closest friends, I sat my entire extended family down at Thanksgiving and simply said, "I am gay." The reply from the crowd was, "So? We love you for you." Thus, my coming out was very smooth.

I feel like my picture represents a yearning to come out at an early age, but letting societal norms keep me closeted for too long. I was angry for a long time for not being able to be me.

So, my message for kids who are curious, questioning, or ready to come out is:
Coming out is like pulling off a Band-Aid. Some Band-Aids come off easily, while others hurt. However, when that Band-Aid is finally gone, the healing can really begin. And you will know when the time is right.
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Dallas

Dallas, age 2

N. Vancouver, BC, Canada (1975)

Here I am age 2, in the yellow rusted wagon in my Grandma's three-level backyard. The view was amazing, and looked out unto the ocean and the mountains. I remember hanging out in the backyard with my hand-me-down denim, bell-bottomed overalls, and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders t-shirt (thanks Dad), pretending that this backyard was my neighborhood. Everyone was nice, and I had my own bike, so I was completely independent.

When we played house, I never had a "husband" like the rest of my neighbors, and I would live alone or with my best friend. We didn't have any kids, but we had the nicest house in the town. Looking back, I realize that this may have been different than most little girls under the age of 10.

I had dolls, but they usually ended up with hair cut into a short, spiky hairdo, and who would often 'kiss' other dolls.

My Barbies took lots of camping trips with their friends in the Barbie Camper, and there was never a Ken doll involved. I realized then that Barbies were supposed to have Kens, but I didn't want one.

I never felt different, though. My parents never, ever, showed disapproval of me. My friends went along with my Barbie antics, no questions asked. I wonder if they realize now that I'm out, that these things were in fact, different?

Back then, I adored Lauren Tewes (Julie on "The Love Boat") and something about her eyes and her smile captivated me. I also loved Joan Jett. Her power as a musician and her raw sex appeal awakened something in me that made me feel strong. I knew I was unique, but it fueled me to remain so, and I did.

My message for gay kids today is:
Don't ever give up your uniqueness.
Embrace what you have. Monotony is boring!

Dallas' first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lauren Tewes ("The Love Boat")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Ashley

Ashley, age 10

Spring, Texas (2000)

I remember secretly watching Showtime on a school night. I don't remember what was said, but I remember exactly how I felt when "Alice" winked at the girl across from her on "The L Word." I totally died from that small interaction. Died.

I can remember as far back as 3rd grade when the feelings arose.
I was always a tomboy and I loathed any attempt to try to mask that fact with dresses and frills.

Awkward would be the one word to sum it up. And I have many women in my family who have perpetuated that awkwardness.

When I took this picture, I was comfortable and unaware. Before the realization that manly was what I looked like sometimes, when I was comfortable.

Then the realization did come, and the second I laid eyes on it, my stomach fell. I knew what I saw and didn't like it.

But a cute girl in my class did like it, which made me feel a bit better. My mom did too, which eased that feeling even more. My grandmother, however, tossed those positive reinforcements out the window, cocked her head to the side and said: "You look like one of those ‘What’s Up’ girls."

"What!?" I said, even though I totally knew. "Gay" she said. And now my stomach had left the building. I went to my room and stared off in silence, with that wrenching feeling like she insulted my entire being.

I was never ashamed of being gay on the inside, just afraid that it had the power to show on the outside. I was aware that it was taboo. And I was aware that I didn’t want to be taboo in anyone’s eyes.

Every picture of me after that until high school was an awkward rollercoaster. How should I sit? Oh God, did I do that smirk? Is my Adam's apple the ONLY thing you can see?

I sometimes carry that particular self-consciousness today. Partly because I also operate very femme, things have changed, and I'm not as rough as I used to be.

But looking back on things now, I would tell today's youth not to disconnect from any of it, but to embrace it all - and just smile for your picture.

"We need your voice. Your voice is important. Without your voice, part of me gets lost. Because each person we lose, is a loss for everyone." – In The Life, TV

Ashley's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Tatyana M. Ali (in "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air")

Leisha Hailey (in "The L Word")

Also check out "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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