Alex

Alex, age 3
Baltimore, MD (1990)

When I was a little girl, my mother loved to dress me up in Laura Ashley dresses, elaborate bows, and shiny saddle shoes. And I resisted, hard. I was content wearing my older brother's hand me down clothes, and play catch with him and my dad. My less-than-amused look says it all.

"The dress works fine, but let's save it for my girlfriend next time."

Indeed, I had tomboyish streaks growing up, but I've always been kind of an old-school fag at heart. Mom instilled in me a love for dance music, fine dress, and meticulous grooming - though she may not love how I present myself now.

My dad forced me to watch AMC, where I discovered a bevy of effete "bachelor" characters in glamorous old films, who were my idols. My favorite character on the legendary "The Kids In The Hall" was (and always will be) Scott Thompson's inimitable swish, Buddy Cole.

When I came out at 13, I embarked on a journey in search of identity comfort. As a Catholic school girl in a single-sex environment, I felt pressure to be feminine. When I got to college, I attempted stone butch. Then God help me - I had a sneaker phase. 10 years after my foray into faggotry, I'm happy and comfortable with ambiguity.

And I delight in answering to, "Are you a boy or a girl?"

Nothing is ever easy when people view you as different. It takes a while to get to a good place, and 99% of the time it's a terrible and arduous process. It can tear people apart, cause unimaginable pain, and seem like it's taking forever.

But nothing is more "worth it" than feeling comfortable in one's own skin.
Or wingtips. Or stilettos. You know what I mean.

And, as for floral dresses and shiny shoes? ISO W4W.

Alexandra's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Sofia Coppola (in "The Godfather, Part III")

Even at that age I knew the movie was terrible, but Sofia was BEAUTIFUL!
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Andrew

Andrew, age 8

Auckland, New Zealand (1995)

I picked the fabric for this waistcoat myself. And I sure felt fabulous in rainbow houndstooth, as I'm sure any other 8-year old at his father's 40th birthday party would have - right?

I knew I was different from an early age. My dad dreaded picking me up from pre-school, as I'd always be wearing some frilly outfit from the dress up box.

I didn't realize I was gay until much later, around 13 or 14. Mostly because I didn't know it was possible! I grew up in a very sheltered Christian home, and everyone just thought I was special.

Coming out was hard for me. I was 21, and had just met the love of my life, and I knew I couldn't keep him to myself. It was awful for a few months, as my family were shocked beyond belief - nobody else was, of course! As time has passed, my family and I are able to slip into a don't ask, don't tell kind of understanding.

My partner Paul and I have been together for 3 years now. And, I'll soon be the best man at the-other-kid-in-this-photo's wedding, my best friend since birth. Someday, I hope that he can be my best man, too.

As the world gradually becomes more accepting, that just might be possible.

Andrew's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Mario Lopez (in "Saved By The Bell")

Oh, those abs!

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Tammy

Tammy, age 9

Jamestown, TN (1975)  

That's me, in the hawt red halter top, with my baby brother and older sister.

In retrospect, I knew I was a lesbian by the time I was age 4.

People who say gayness is a "choice" make me laugh and gag simultaneously.

I mean, my God.
Look at me at age 9!


This was also around the time that I jumped off a short flight of concrete steps at my church to impress Greta, a Bible-school classmate. Yes, I remember her name. How could I not? I survived. I doubt I changed Greta's heterosexual orientation. After all, she was BORN THAT WAY.

Today, I'm a sporty dyke, and happy and content with my orientation.
And I love your blog.

Tat

Tat, age 11
Queensland, Australia (1988)

My childhood was all about waiting. Waiting to work out why I saw things differently, and waiting for all the pieces to make sense.

Pieces like really liking my best friend; having fun and free flowing conversations with boys, but shy and 'funny feeling' half-talks with girls; playing with Cabbage Patch Kids and Barbies, but not knowing why I didn't want Ken and Big Bear included as well.

Or why I loved with resounding imaginative passion Anne of Green Gable & George from "Famous Five;" repetitively reading Miles Franklin's "My Brilliant Career". And, knowing Emma Thompson was an ethereal goddess.

I have mixed feelings about this pic, as it epitomizes all that waiting.


Soon after this photo, things changed to me 'waiting to leave.'
Leave my childhood, my small town, Catholicism, and 'being different.'

At age 11, it was starting to make sense. But with a Catholic overlay and my account of 'women who liked women’ to be crew-cuts, jeans, and white linen shirts with boots - I was not sure that all that, was me.

Thankfully I left my town and family to learn all the pieces were gay. And in time, more importantly learned that I was a "gay lady" - with passions for designer handbags, cut jeans, high heels, flowing dresses, weekend converse, blow-dryers & hair strengtheners, and impeccably neat skirt suits. Interestingly,
I have never quite gotten the hang of cosmetics.

I currently live in a place where being out is detrimental to my physical and mental health. I have made a decision not to be open whilst I'm here - but to 'hide in plain sight' with my femme presentation.

Every now and again this makes me feel like a traitor. But on balance, it is just for now, and not forever. At least, here, right now, I am no longer waiting:
I now know, and am ecstatic about, who I am.

Tat's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Emma Thompson
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Gregory

Gregory, age 5

New Brunswick, Canada (1989)

Here I'm striking a pose by the pool in my back yard in Burtt’s Corner, New Brunswick. We lived in a very "back woods" town, and around this time my parents were approaching the peak of their now non-existent Evangelical frenzy. I had no clue that I was "gay," but certainly knew I loved posing for photos. And, putting on private concerts for my stuffed animals, to Bette Midler songs.

I used to love to pull the neck of an over sized t-shirt over my shoulder, which revealed a birthmark (which I felt made me look like Madonna), check the mirror with my mom, and apply face-cream every night like the girls in Noxzema commercials.

I loved almost any boy on television, but developed a strange attraction to cartoon characters (future fetish warning?), especially Wheeler, the red-headed bad boy from Brooklyn on "Captain Planet." Thankfully I eventually grew to love "real" boys, and was incredibly fond of Jason Marsden from "Step By Step" and Rider Strong from "Boy Meets World."

Being queer - in the country and in a religious family, which barely tolerated dancing - my pop culture exposure was small and dependent on my older step-brother. When our parents weren't home, we'd listen to New Kids On The Block, Guns 'N Roses, and The Heights. Thankfully it was enough to instill a curiosity that carried me out of the flatland of Christian pop.

My parents are non-religious and completely accepting now, and when I showed this photo to my mother recently I asked how she couldn’t have known I was gay, she blithely replied, 'Who said I didn’t?'

Gregory's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Wheeler (on "Captain Planet")
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Kirk

Kirk, age 7

West Chicago, Illinois (1981)

As a kid I loved Ken dolls. I had quite a collection and enjoyed playing along with my sisters and their Barbies. The only thing was that eventually my sisters outgrew the Barbies, and I never, ever did.

I first put two and two together and knew I was gay around the age of 11.

I had always heard that boys would grow up to like girls, and that was that.

I didn't know if or when I'd begin to develop sexual feelings towards girls.

I also didn't know if all the things I had already been thinking about boys were even sexual at all.

My first clue came from some horrible little everything-you-need-to-know-about-your-body-through-Christ-type of books that my mom had brought home, and surreptitiously slipped onto the bookshelf. In its 200 pages, it mentioned homosexuality exactly once - only to say that it was 'a horrible thing that will NEVER happen to you.'

Well, to hell with that!

I now know that I have always been who I am, and that honesty is the key to living a happy and fulfilled life. Be yourself above all else; if you don't, who will?

First celebrity crush: I don't remember an exact object of my nascent affections, but I do know that seeing boxers all sweaty in their satin shorts gave me very strange feelings inside.
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Chrissy

Chrissy, age 8

Kaplan, LA (1986)

This picture was taken at the peak of me being called a tomboy. People often asked why I don't play with girls or dolls more often, and I'd tell them that they bore me. I also quickly informed people that I hated Barbie and much preferred He-Man, Ninja Turtles, and Nintendo. I recall wondering why it even mattered.

I grew up in Cajun Country, where gender roles are emphasized, almost to a caricature. While I was enrolled in ballet and gymnastics - until I landed on a girl's head, then quit - I also enjoyed climbing trees, karate lessons, and playing baseball with the boys.

My first cognizant crush on a girl was about when I was in 8th grade; she was a pretty blond named Nichole. As a practicing Roman Catholic, I faced a lot of inner turmoil when I realized I was attracted to women.

My friends and family, however, were nothing short of phenomenal in accepting me when I came out at age 18.

I was a lot harsher on myself than anyone else, except maybe my fundamentalist Christian brother. We went 3 years without speaking after I came out, but we are now civil to one another.

Staying in the closet for so long was one of the most detrimental things I've done to my self-esteem. I encourage all young, closeted LGBT's to be bold and come out as soon as it's safe. It may very well go a lot better than you expect.

And anyone who rejects you doesn't deserve to have you in your life.

Chrissy's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Reba McEntire

Reba. So country! Oh, and Sherilyn Fenn from 'Twin Peaks'
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Dawn

Dawn, age 3

Marshalltown, IA (1976)

It's weird how you can remember some things and not others as a small child.
I remember being dressed up like this by my teen-aged aunts, and I remember the dress was itchy. I didn't want it on, except for the beads. This is only one of 3 photos of me in a dress throughout my years, because it always felt like dress up.

I never knew what the word was for it, but around the age of 9,
I fell for a 19-year old college student at my church. And she was kind enough to hang out with me. She'd take me to grown-up places like auctions and furniture shopping, it was just about being included.

I didn't have other kids in the neighborhood where I lived near my age, so college students become my best friends, and she was my first crush.

It wasn't until age 16, and with a friend of mine, that I realized why I was having the crushes on girls.


We were walking around the mall and my friend pointed out a couple. She mentioned that the guy looked cute, but I was thinking to myself the whole time: 'Forget the guy, I’ll take the girl!' Then the skies parted and everything I felt since the time I was age 9, came flooding back. And like puzzle pieces, it all fit together.

It was then that I realized I had to hide this information from my family, as they were and still are, fundamental Christians. Sadly, this hiding set me back a few years concerning my own self worth. But thankfully, though my family didn’t accept my orientation, I eventually realized that God still did.

If there is one message I could have told myself when I was 18, before an attempted suicide, it would be that there are people out there that will love you for who you are. And God will ALWAYS love you, because God created you.

Eventually, you'll also find there are some family members that will love ALL of you, unconditionally!

Today, I still hold a torch for women older than me, and I've been in a 14-year relationship with a wonderful partner who is 25 years my senior. We learn quite a lot from each other, and I look forward to the next 14 years and beyond!

Dawn's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Joanna Kearns ("Growing Pains")

Lisa Bonet ("The Cosby Show")

Dana Delaney ("China Beach")

Dana looked like the woman I had the crush on at age 9!

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René

René, age 5

San Salvador, El Salvador (1987)

I found this picture of me at a Kindergarten recital. I remember being picked to be first in line and how excited that made me. My love for dancing started at a very early age, and I remember how much I enjoyed learning the choreography and how good I was at it. And I also had a baton!

The hairstyle wasn't my choice, it was my Mom's. I remember spending way too much time in front of the mirror that day - a habit that has only gotten worst as an adult, I must admit.

Although my childhood memories are somewhat scarce, like many I remember feeling different from the get go. I grew up in a very conservative Catholic society, and although my parents were not fanatics,
I learned at a very young age that the safest place for me was inside my head.

My Dad later had suspicions of my "true nature" early on as well. He used to take me to soccer games, until I sided with his team's archenemy - because I liked their uniforms better. But on the whole, sports never tickled my fancy.

As I grew older, my mannerisms and slightly higher-pitched voice made me an easy target for the bullies at school we dealt with. I remember how tirelessly and unsuccessfully I tried to fit in. My first boy crush happened during the time I was a Boy Scout, and I couldn't stop admiring my Scout Master.

That feeling of "difference" from others started out positive. I remember feeling a higher sense of understanding, and an idea that I was destined to do something great. Somehow along the way and influenced by others, I allowed myself to think that it wasn’t good, that I wasn’t good, and that I should comply.

Well compliance no more! When I got out from the haze, I finally realized how much being gay added to my life. And the experiences, pleasures, and intensity
I wouldn't know, if I hadn't been born this way.

And although I had some really rough times - I got through. And that confused and often scared little boy now stands a tall and proud GAY MAN!

Well, more proud than tall - I'm only 5' 5"...

René's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Javier Bardem (in "Jamon Jamon")

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