February 11, 2011


Tat, age 11
Queensland, Australia (1988)

My childhood was all about waiting. Waiting to work out why I saw things differently, and waiting for all the pieces to make sense.

Pieces like really liking my best friend; having fun and free flowing conversations with boys, but shy and 'funny feeling' half-talks with girls; playing with Cabbage Patch Kids and Barbies, but not knowing why I didn't want Ken and Big Bear included as well.

Or why I loved with resounding imaginative passion Anne of Green Gable & George from "Famous Five;" repetitively reading Miles Franklin's "My Brilliant Career". And, knowing Emma Thompson was an ethereal goddess.

I have mixed feelings about this pic, as it epitomizes all that waiting.

Soon after this photo, things changed to me 'waiting to leave.'
Leave my childhood, my small town, Catholicism, and 'being different.'

At age 11, it was starting to make sense. But with a Catholic overlay and my account of 'women who liked women’ to be crew-cuts, jeans, and white linen shirts with boots - I was not sure that all that, was me.

Thankfully I left my town and family to learn all the pieces were gay. And in time, more importantly learned that I was a "gay lady" - with passions for designer handbags, cut jeans, high heels, flowing dresses, weekend converse, blow-dryers & hair strengtheners, and impeccably neat skirt suits. Interestingly,
I have never quite gotten the hang of cosmetics.

I currently live in a place where being out is detrimental to my physical and mental health. I have made a decision not to be open whilst I'm here - but to 'hide in plain sight' with my femme presentation.

Every now and again this makes me feel like a traitor. But on balance, it is just for now, and not forever. At least, here, right now, I am no longer waiting:
I now know, and am ecstatic about, who I am.

Tat's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Emma Thompson

WitAnne of Green GablesT-Shirt Womens Black " I love Australian Girls - Lesbian " Countries XX-Large


amourette said...

i hope that someday (sooner rather than later) you are able to feel free to be yourself in your environment. you should be able to live where ever you want without feeling you have to hide any part of yourself. xo!

bek said...

loved your story but it does make me sad that you don't feel safe to be yourself in 2011!
take care.

Anonymous said...

AAH! Love this blog! Looking for my pictures now! Suggestion for an otherwise perfect blog...maybe get people to submit updated photos of them now...happy and well adjusted and fabulous? Kind of It Gets Bettery? Just a thought. Will come back regardless. Great job!

Alexandriaweb said...

I'm sad to hear you live somewhere so unaccepting of you :(

P.S. George was one of my first crushes to :)

Eamonn said...

What a sophisticated first crush! Cheers :)

MC said...

This is great! I too loved (and love) Anne of Green Gables. I remember loving the confessions of "friendship" between Anne and Diana. :)