Chris

Chris, age 3

Livermore, KY (1977)

Much of my life I remember being steered toward the appropriate boy behavior - usually gently. Sometimes not so gently. My sister and I got new UnderRoos, all the rage then. She got Wonder Woman, and I got Spider-Man. Now, there's nothing wrong with Spidey. He's funny and cute, and I probably would've dated him later in life. But at that moment? I wanted to BE Wonder Woman.

"Where's that doll I was just playing with?"

Linda Carter was a kick-ass, statuesque, beautiful woman.
So who wouldn't want to spin around and end up wearing that costume?

Once, my father discovered me spinning in circles in my sister's UnderRoos. I only remember being spanked by my father twice in my life. This time was the worst.

Please don't judge him harshly. Remember, it was the early 80's, in a very small town in the South. Much of the racism and ignorance that the 60's and 70's helped destroy, clung stubbornly there. And he was afraid for his little boy.

So, I learned to be afraid of being gay, and the fear was reinforced by weekly Bible studies in a Missionary Baptist congregation

I didn't do a good job of pretending. I can remember being called names as early as 3rd grade. Ridiculed by my classmates and older students for how I walked and talked, I retreated into books and television. And the comfort of my best friend, who also turned out to be gay.

Dad tried to nurture the hetero out of me in many ways; cars, sports, women. Only after a suicide attempt, moving away from the area, and meeting a wonderful gay role model, did I learn to be comfortable with who I am. When I came out in my mid-20's, my father said: 'You were my son yesterday. You are my son today. And tomorrow you will still be my son, and I love you.'

It's been a difficult process for him to come to terms with his only son being gay, but he did the work. He worked through his fear and educated his ignorance.
He knows that he loves me, and that everything else would come with time.

Though it may seem like there is no hope, there are people out there who will love you for who you were born to be.

Chris' first, famous-person same sex crush:

John Schneider ("Dukes Of Hazzard")

I distinctly remember my heart racing at the sight of a shirtless Bo Duke!

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John

John, age 2

Hermitage, PA (1979)

At the time this photo was taken, I was pretending to be my mother. I think I did that a lot. I remember loving to watch her getting ready to go out, and wanting to be like that. I don't think I ever wanted to be a girl, but I liked the idea of carrying a purse or wearing makeup and perfume. In my room today, you'll find a large collection of man purses and a dresser covered in fragrance bottles. And I will find any excuse to put on a little mascara.

As you might imagine, growing up "different" in a small town like Hermitage was a challenge. As a little guy, I think my parents made me believe that I was different just because I was a smart kid. And nothing more than that.

Once I got a little older, I knew that was not the truth. I guess I was smart enough to figure out that I was gay.

It took me many years of pretending before I finally understood: It was not just okay to be gay, but a beautiful thing to live your life as an open, honest person.

I look at this pic now, and I just chuckle. How could my parents believe I was straight? The answer is that they believed what they wanted to, and I believed it for a while, too. But, there comes a time when you just get tired of lying to yourself and everyone else.

Eventually, you find out that there are tons of people like you out in the world, and another good handful who will love you for who you are as an individual. 

Today, I live with an amazing partner who loves me unconditionally. We just spent our 5th wedding anniversary together, and our 8th year as boyfriends.
So thank you Massachusetts, and let's go Illinois!

His wonderful family has accepted me into their lives with the warmest of hearts, in spite of what you might expect from a big Catholic clan from Indiana. I now have the greatest possible friendship with my mum. I cherish her as one of the greatest blessings in my life. And if that wasn't enough, I have a family of friends from childhood, college, and beyond who know me and love me for who I am.

No, this is not the life I imagined for myself as a two-year-old...
It is SO much better.

John's first, famous-person same sex crush:
He-Man & Prince Adam
I loved both characters for different reasons: He-Man's brute physical strength (not to mention bare chest), and Prince Adam's quiet, supportive nature - and his ability to pull off wearing pink.

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Kevin

Kevin, age 3

Marlow, Oklahoma (1967)

This tea set was one of my cousin Suzanne's Christmas gifts. We're 7 months apart and we'd sometimes swap Christmas toys. One year we both got portable record players with companion story books. I got "Peter Rabbit" and Suzanne "Sleeping Beauty" and we traded. She always shared her Barbies with me, too.
It's one of the reasons I grew so close to Suzanne, as she never judged me about playing with "girl" toys. She's a grandmother now and we're still very close.

I learned from my family's reactions to my desire to play house (or dress up, or to have a Ken doll) that there was something odd in wanting these things. But I was totally ignorant of what it all meant. But in 4th grade, I asked my mother what the name I was being called on the playground meant. She told me that a "homo" was a man who lived with another man, like she lived with my father.

I could tell from the way she described it that she disapproved of "homos" too.
So I pretended to be disgusted by it. As I felt certain she was convinced that I was one too, I went upstairs and cried. There was a name for it, I knew it's what I was, and that I'd be hated for it. And I was horrified that everyone else could tell.

I felt I was the only one. I tried to butch it up, but wasn't very good at playing the lie. I was bullied remorselessly until I got older, and started making friends outside of high school and college. The bullying not only tortured me, it also did a number on my parents. It put them in a very difficult position of protecting me, while standing by and teaching me accepted social standards for male behavior.

That drove a wedge between us, even as they tried to comfort my regular crying fits of frustration and humiliation. I didn't feel they understood me, and I had no way to understand what they were going through either.

My father tells the story of how he went to work one day, and left his happy, gregarious, open, smiling son. And when he returned I was sullen, withdrawn and suspicious. My father thought that I was angry with him. We had a very hard time until after I was 26 and came out to them. He and my mother already knew, though she was deep in denial. But my dad already accepted me. He helped my mother through her problems with my sexuality, and continued to identify and grapple with his issues.

I wish that the social mores back then hadn't soured our relationship. But we're close now, we focus on the present, and my mother continues to come along. 

When I think about today's gay youth, I see some who still struggle with the difficulties that I, and so many others, had. But I also see so many young people who are defining the world with new eyes and fewer boundaries. They're evidence of the positive effect we've had on our world, by refusing to live in the shadows.

And they will go on to tell their stories, and those who struggle will become fewer and fewer. More people will realize that we are people, we are somewhere in every family, and we deserve to be treated fairly and with respect.

And soon accept that being gay isn't about what we do in bed, but who we love. 

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Superman (comic-book version)

But, I wanted to be Lois Lane
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Josh

Josh, age 2

Brooklyn, New York (1974)

Here I am holding a pretzel rod in one hand and, making jazz hands in the other. And look at the sparkle in those eyes.

I was always into the arts from as far back as I can remember (age 4 or so) and that continues to this day. I knew I was a gay kid around 7 or 8-years-old, but didn't know what "gay" was. I just had crushes on other boys and that was that.

As an adult, I love this picture. It accurately reflects the person I continue to be today. When people see this photo, they say 'You're just the same!' - and I like to think they're right. My friends have always all been cool with me being gay. Most of them are NYC born and bred artists, so being gay to them is just being human.

I don't think my father took too well to my tendencies, but I suppose it's like that for a lot of fathers of gay boys. It's a toughie. He could have done better, but I don't hold it against him. Unfortunately, I was still closeted when my Mom passed away, and still denying to her that my boy friend was actually my boyfriend. That kinda sucks upon reflection: being asked flat out and denying it. 

For gay kids, I say go find the other kids in your community that are gay.
There are more gay resources and role models now than ever, so don't be ashamed or afraid. Find support and be supportive. It gets better, as they say.

Josh's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Ricky Martin (in Menudo)

Jason Bateman (in "The Hogan Family")

Guess I had Gaydar on Ricky, eh? But neither of 'em interest me now.

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
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Keith

Keith, age 2

Detroit, Michigan (1964)

Believe it or not, I remember the moment, captured in this pic, when I saw "Him" - a dreamy, teenage, male friend of my mother's family. I didn't feel gay or "different" at this time, just in love. And, I'm so glad that I'm dressed quite handsomely in my tie, plaid vest, and penny loafers. To this day, I feel a rush when I look at this pic, which is why I love it so much.

So it's the mid to late 60's, but, unfortunately - I don't have any pictures of me wearing my Mary Poppins hat and trying to fly with my Mary Poppins umbrella. I suppose it was around 1965 that I did sense "different" when I'd hear my parents arguing about the clothes and toys my mother was buying me. 

Closely associated was my constant desire to fly either like Ms. Poppins or
The Flying Nun, which drove my father nuts. 

Then there was Penny Robinson (Angela Cartwright) of "Lost In Space."
I wanted to be her, especially when she was "dropping out" on the planet of teenagers and go-go dancing. Sipping TAB at my parents' bar, I'd be Ann-Marie (Marlo Thomas) of "That Girl" and, whenever I had to dust, I'd imagine I was one of the glamorous, wafting women in the Pledge furniture polish ads.

But the guy who really "wow"-ed me back then was <blush> William Shatner! On the original "Star Trek," when he was paired up with Michael Forest in the 'Who Mourns for Adonais?' episode - I was one happy, tingly, little shaver.

Then the 70's came, and things went dark. Going from happy, little shaver to the object of bullies' anger wasn't easy, but all of us go through bad times throughout our lives. I think the ability to fly away, if even just in my mind, helped me get through and into a better time and place.

Keith's first, famous-person same sex crush:

William Shatner ("Star Trek")
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Frank

Frank, age 5

Chicago, Illinois (1961)

My mother would always tell me that I was a smiling and laughing child. Everywhere she took me, people would remark 'What a wonderful laughing baby!' She tells me that I was always curious of the environment around me. And smiling opened doors for me. I remember this photo being taken by a professional photographer who made a house call. I remember having fun "posing". Pick any picture from my formative years, and you'll find me either posing and smiling.

"Move over Madonna - I'm striking a pose"

When I entered 1st grade, I would hold other male students' hands and pretended to be married to them. I was bullied as a child and endured beatings and humiliation. I am grateful that awareness of bullying has come to the forefront.

When the school bell rang at 3:00pm in the afternoon to go home, I would run out the door in order to avoid bullies. Some even waited for me in hallways. I was even suspended from school for ditching Physical Ed.

The principal and powers that be NEVER understood why I ditched school like that.

I was forbidden to play with dolls, but managed to sew outfits for my sister's Barbie. I would hide my creations in a bag and bury them. My bag of sewn creations would come out anytime my parents left the house.

And the man I am today? Born this way and damn proud!

Frank's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Robert Vaughn (in "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.")
Adam West (as "Batman")

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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