Rudy

Rudy, age 6

East Los Angeles, California (1986)

This was Halloween at my grandmother's house. My mother was a single parent who didn't have much money to buy a costume, so she borrowed a wig and dressed me up as my grandmother, lipstick and all! I felt so comfortable in the wig and pearls, and wanted to keep it on all night. Looking back, I know this was my way of expressing that "Star Quality" I've always felt inside.

"Little Latin Boy In Drag:
Rudy 'Rudeness' Garcia"

My family says they always knew I was "feminine" or "sensitive" - however I was never treated any differently than any of the other children in my family.

My mother took me to see a doctor because she was concerned that I preferred to play with Barbie dolls over GI Joe.

The doctor told her it was healthy, and it would help me express my creativity, and make me a good parent!

So I had lots of beautiful dolls to dress up and style and role-play with my sister!

But once I discovered MADONNA, it was all over for Barbie! I would watch her in awe, rolling around on the floor in tulle, posing for the camera, and singing and dancing with that one star earring!

Soon after, I did my first performance of "Dress You Up" for my teenaged aunts. They were amazed that I knew all the words and dance moves!

If I could say anything to gay youth now it would be this:
Don't ever believe that you CAN'T be who you are!

Find a place or thing that is all yours, and allow yourself to blossom into the beautiful butterfly you will become.

Rudy's first, famous-person same sex crush:

"Marky" Mark Wahlberg

I saw those Calvin Klein ads in his briefs, and thought 'That's what I want'

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Charles

Charles, age 6

Denison, Texas (1984)

As Christmases went, 1984 was a harvest of presents – and my Cabbage Patch doll was the featured crop. I adored her thick, coarse mane of brunette yarn hair and attached birth certificate - which proudly informed me of her given name, Christine. Although I look less than thrilled in the photo, I was in fact elated by both the doll and my brand new "Alvin & The Chipmunks" slippers.

"A Cabbage Patch Christmas"

My 4-year old brother Cameron (right, who now identifies as bisexual) was never one to care what others thought, a trait that earned my admiration long ago.

But his joy was obvious this Christmas day. After all, he received not one, but two dolls.

I, however, knew that boys were not to own dolls. Which is why I was displeased when my parents caught this Kodak moment.

At least they hadn't opted for a photo when I actually opened the box. Why?

Because I'd shrieked with glee.

When I look at this photograph now at the age of 32, I'm amazed at how loving and encouraging my parents were. Not all Texan parents indulged a son's fondness for dolls. And certainly not all parents actually bought their boys such dolls. To my great joy, I learned to read via my mother's purchase of Rainbow Brite Storybooks. Any good grades I earned in elementary school were rewarded via my father's purchase of bedazzled My Little Pony toys, at my request.

Whenever Cameron and I broke into Mom's closet to play dress up – and then insisted upon a fashion show whenever neighbors visited – Mom and Dad never blinked an eye. They never forced me to be someone or something I was not. As a kid, I enjoyed Hot Wheels and hot pink. I stayed true to myself, and that was the best response to an intolerant and unsympathetic world.

At the age of 4, I realized I was gay when I developed a crush on Scotty, my best friend. My feelings were certainly not sexualized at the time, but my crush was undeniable and intense. Whenever I asked to kiss Scotty and lay next to him – like the characters in my mother's favorite soap operas – he immediately told his own mother. That in turn caused a great rift between our two families. Sadly, that was the first in many lessons of the cruelty of my peers and of society; even parental affirmation could not shield me from viciousness.

I first came out at 16 by telling a close friend and fellow marching band member. This was a radical act in 1994 and Governor George W. Bush-era Texas. That brave admission was an initial step towards honesty and self respect. And I never stopped being myself.

Indeed, that is my advice to all young gay people: Be yourself.

Whether you adore the color mauve or hope to win the World Series, take pride in yourself. You are amazing, and you will offer so much to the world. Never let anyone else convince you otherwise.

Charles' first, famous-person same sex crush:

John Schneider ("Dukes Of Hazzard")

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Chacha

Chacha, age 7

Houston, Texas (1983)

My family recently acquired a stash of old photos, and I found this gem. As you can see, I'm a tough cowboy at the cotton candy stand. I got this cowboy hat at a rodeo at the Astrodome in Houston. I might have had to call myself a cowgirl, but really - I was a cowboy. I was very impressed with anyone who could ride a mechanical bull and often worried about whether or not I could hang on

"Cowboy at the cotton candy stand."

I really liked Lady Diana, practicing being a Solid Gold dancer, and enjoyed the science on the "3-2-1 Contact" TV show.

My first real crush was on Olivia Newton-John, mainly as depicted on her Physical album cover.
I knew it was wrong, but I had to look. I recognized this wasn't normal, and decided I ought to keep it to myself.

I then later fell in love with Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran, because he wore so much makeup.

I was really surprised, actually, to see this picture of me being so tough as a kid.
I tend to fluctuate between being feminine and being tough. The tough part wasn't captured as much on film. So it was a real treat to get to see myself acting, well, like myself, at an early age.

Chacha's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Olivia Newton-John

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Jeremy

Jeremy, age 6

Harrisonburg, VA (1977)

I was a helplessly creative kid. My mother remembers before I could even speak I was humming TV themes. From "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" to "That Girl"
I could out hum any toddler in the mid-Atlantic! I loved to sing, play pretend, and emulate my childhood hero - Wonder Woman! No other boy I knew could do the Diana Prince twirl like me - but then again, I don't recall many trying.

"Make your own kind of music, sing your own special song..."

Most of you are probably uttering a collective 'Well, duh!' right now. But as a child I didn't know I was gay. I just knew that in some way, I was special.

My parents didn't restrict my expression in any way. I owned a Barbie doll, played with Ken, and inherently - but indescribably - I knew I preferred to date Ken.

The once nonjudgmental and free social realm of preschool, changed for me in kindergarten.

The room had two plays areas - one for girls, one for boys. The girls' side had all the fun stuff like Raggedy Ann, baby dolls, and tea sets. While the boys' side had the less than thrilling array of dump trucks, airplanes and Lincoln Logs.

I remember walking directly to the girls side to pick up Raggedy Ann. One of the girls reprimanded me and said 'You go to that side. That's where the boys play!'
I remember my little heart sinking in a way that I couldn't describe for many many years. Needless to say, at least publicly, I followed suit. Privately, I was caught up in Wonder Woman, Marlo Thomas, Helen Reddy, & Barbra Streisand.

My real life male crushes continued through childhood and early adulthood. Being completely in the closet, I relegated these romances as creative short-stories written in my notebook. And kept far from the eyes of my sisters and family. All I knew back then was that I was alone. I knew I wasn't a "freak" but didn't know how to explain it. And if anyone ever discovered my secret, I would somehow die.

Being a teen in the mid-80's was not fun for me. Kids would joke that gays "had AIDS" and were going to hell. If I were to come out, would I have AIDS too?  Would I die? I didn't necessarily believe in Hell, but it sounded pretty scary too.
I know this sounds irrational now, but in my quiet secret world these seemed like real and terrifying realities. Also, my family had fractured back then when my father came out of the closet. Suddenly we seemed like a family of talk-show guests full of anger and pain.

I came out of the closet in my early 20's soon after graduating college. It seemed then my other friends, who'd been on the same journey with me the whole time, were coming out as well. It was like we'd all been through the same periods of fear and denial, but didn't have the voice to help each other until we grew up.

When I came out to my mother, she said, 'Well, I've known since you were a child. I just wanted you to feel comfortable telling me yourself' - and it was like the weight on my shoulders sprouted in to wings! I knew I would never have to go back to hiding. 

Now at 40 and in a 13-year relationship with a wonderful man, I look at this pic and think of Mama Cass' song, "Make Your Own Kind Of Music". It's a humbling reminder I did exactly that back then, 'Even if nobody else sings along'.

To the generation of young GLBT kids today:

I suggest they always follow that advice. To parents today, I ask you to allow your kids to make the best music you've ever heard in your life!

Jeremy's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Rick Springfield (on "General Hospital")

Robert Reed ("The Brady Bunch")

Plus Ricky Schroeder, Tom Selleck, and the ever-untouchable David Hasselhoff.

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Jan

Jan, age 8

Edmond, Oklahoma (1978)

That’s me on the left, and don’t I look excited?! My sister is sitting next to me with her usual big smile. I had the girliest sister in the entire universe. The pic now makes me laugh. And If I actually thought I was ever fooling anybody about being straight, the gay clearly shines through here in the pic.


I think I knew that I was "different" around age 4.

How can you not know when your closest sibling is the princess of the world?

She always wanted me to play with dolls or have tea parties, or some prissy thing.

Which got on my nerves. Why do that crap when you can play with GI Joe or the Millennium Falcon?


While she was busy spinning around like Wonder Woman and jumping on the furniture like the Bionic Woman, I was playing Han Solo frozen in carbonite,
or single-handedly battling Sasquatch in our playroom

I grew up with my fair share of bullies, but I was lucky because I was funny and could run fast. I was also a really good skater. The first time I saw Kristy McNichol, my life changed. I had a real purpose. I just knew one day I would roller skate up to her in my satin jacket and offer her a piggy back. Naturally she would jump on and off we’d roll into the sunset - obviously with a rainbow visible in the background.

The first person I told about being a lesbian was my sister. She could not have cared less, and said she would always love me no matter what. And she has, and she is still the girliest girl I know.

I grew up in a relatively small town, and it was really difficult and sad at times. But I look back now and see how it got easier and easier each year for me to stop pretending. I accepted who I was, and ultimately became truly happy in my own skin. I have no doubt that it will be the same for you, too.

Jan's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Kristy McNichol

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Richard

Richard, age 7

Buena Vista, GA (1996)

This photo was during Christmastime at my step-grandmother's house. I'd asked for clothes, a pirate ship, and a few other toys. I had a vivid imagination, I loved to learn (at times), and to draw (I won first prize many times in art contests), and to escape from reality with my childhood toys.

Growing up in Georgia, my lack of masculine interests were more subtle. I hated hunting, and I would not touch fish or worms when fishing.

I didn't realize I was categorized as gay/feminine until my family and friends began to point it out.

In our culture, gay and feminine are tied together a lot. And around age 11, I began to realize that some of my traits were not desired, or to be seen or heard.

My grandfather, Peapaw, wanted me to play sports, which I didn't care for at all.

My step-mother once told me I looked like a sissy when I had a travel bag over my shoulder or my hands on my hips (like in the photo). I also enjoyed playing mommy or house with my sister and her friends. But the ridicule made me afraid to do things like this. I also didn't have the most masculine behavior or voice.

The older I got, the more afraid I got of being myself. I tried the track team,
I tried hanging with guys, and I attempted to spend more time with my father on his construction jobs. The guys I tried to befriend made me nervous, and I realized I was kind of attracted to some of them.

Coming out was stressful and depressing. There were times where I really wanted to go into the woods and kill myself. I knew I was gay at 11, and my father found out through church members and small town gossip. The pastor at my church asked me to leave and to not come back unless I wanted to change. I did not, and haven't been back to a church since.

During Junior prom, I confirmed it with everyone by dancing with my first boyfriend. High school and family life was rough, but I had a group of supportive school friends who were always there for me. I did get bullied though, as I was the only openly gay guy at school. I'm thankful that my gay uncle and his partner helped me during this time, because he suffered similar things with my family and had left. I am so thankful for that, as it encouraged me a lot!

Today at 21 and being out for 5 years, I've realized that I am who I am! My whole family knows, but most are not okay with me being gay. This is the reason I moved from my hometown to a more accepting city. I have a deep country accent, and no longer a girly voice. I'm a very emotional person and a very caring person, and I want children and a husband one day.

But does the fact of my sexuality matter!? No, I am ME!
Categorize me as gay, masculine, or not - and I WAS born this way!

Richard's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Aaron Carter, Lance Bass, Zac Efron

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