Guy

Guy, age 8

Eugene, Oregon (1970)

I really liked to be dressed up, and I hated pullover shirts. Everything had to "match" and I loved to wear ties. Those might have been early clues.

My first crush was on Max, a boy in the 1st grade with me.
He moved away before our second year of school, and I still don't think I'm over him.

My TV crushes included James West and Artemus Gordon from "The Wild, Wild West" and both Batman and Maxwell Smart also caught my eye.

I remember things like wanting an Easy-Bake Bake Oven, playing with my sisters' Barbie's high heels, and my oldest sister telling me not to "flap my wings" when I ran. Plus, being very curious about what other boys looked like naked.

I also liked bubble baths, short-shorts, and being the Mom whenever we played house. I don't think I wanted to be a girl; I just wanted to do the things girls got to do, and be pretty.

I also have a sister who is gay. When she was about 9 and I was 5, I dressed up as a princess on Halloween, and she went as a pirate.

My coming out was considerably delayed by an unfortunate obsession I had with Anita Bryant. I'd carried her records with me to nursery school & kindergarten. Plus, she was very glamorous and reminded me of my Mom. But her campaign against gay rights the year I turned 15 was upsetting, so I certainly didn't want to be someone Anita didn't like.

It took me until I was 22 to come out - way after everyone else already knew I was gay, including my parents.

Guy's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Mickey Dolenz ("The Monkees")
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May

May, age 12

Cape Cod, Massachusetts (2000)

This is the picture I clutched sitting at the local, gay community support group meeting for female-to-male trans men (FTMs). I'm on the far right, at a church retreat with my best girlfriends. I'm wearing the boys' jeans and flannel shirt that I begged my mother to buy me, and which I continue to purchase now as a gainfully employed lesbian grown-up.

When I first put on those jeans and cut my hair during college, my sense of relief was so palpable, I thought:

'God, this is what I’ve always wanted, and what I've always been.'



But I'd like to contribute to this blog by criticizing my own first thoughts, and ask: 'What is the what that any of us have always been?'  A lesbian now, an FTM in the past? I can't identify anyone but a contemplative kid in this picture.

I came to the FTM meeting hoping to find similar pictures. The theme of the night was, "The Way We Were: What We Were Like As Kids." Guys brought pictures of themselves in Halloween costumes, reading in a field, or standing proudly in front of a car wash. But I did not see other pictures of the awkward or trans kid I intended to show with my photo.

The guys didn’t necessarily want to talk about trans childhoods, either. Halfway through the session, the conversation stayed focused on a member's question about declaring himself as male or female on his work's health insurance form.

And I left the support group more confused than ever. I'd hoped the guys there might share stories like those I read of many FTMs, similar to my picture: stories of childhood "body dysphoria," "tomboyishness," and awkwardness in dresses.

Looking at our childhood pictures in search of who we are now, is a common practice in our "community" - and what a complicated community it is! It's a way for us to relate with each other and foster community. And this website is a marvelous case in point: 'You, too? That tomboy is what it means to be gay?'

But to me, being gay means we have the gift of thinking critically about gender role stereotypes. I don't want what was imposed on me repeated, when my mother and sister cornered me in the living room, yelling about the trans-related books I brought home. My sister said, 'May, you've always been a lesbian!
We've always known it! All of us!'

But who was she to know my experiences or my childhood desires to be a boy? Or understand the confusion I felt seeing my own reflection, or what it felt like to bind my chest, or have sex? I felt so confused that I couldn't put words to what I felt, and so how could she?

And if I don’t want others to impose stereotypes on me, how can I impose them on myself? I look at my childhood and consider: I am lesbian now, and I have been other things. I've been a kid (like many lesbians, FTMs, and even straight women), who wanted to be a boy. I have been trans. I have been something I didn't know.

Was I looking to my childhood photo for an answer because was I afraid of being trans, or being gay? Does our sense that it must be wrong now make us search for those reasons? The "It's nature" argument is fundamental to many of us, to explain ourselves to family, friends, and much of America. We can’t help it, and so we should be allowed to be who we are.

But shouldn't we be allowed to be whoever we want to be? Trans, a man, a woman, whoever we were, and whoever we are now? The ultimate sexual and gender freedom will involve the freedom to change.
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Michael

Michael, age 4

Fargo, N. Dakota (1971)

Here I am, with my dolls Judy and Dapper Dan. I don't mean to dismiss Dapper Dan’s importance to my development as a gay man, but at the time he was just a passing fancy in my life. He was an "educational toy" that my mom got for me, because my pre-school teacher had told her I needed some help with my fine motor skills. I do remember finding the whole process of unbuttoning and unzipping this little doll-man's clothing oddly fascinating. Hmm...

The real story here, though,
is of me and Judy. Her "birth name" was Drowsy. I wish I could remember if I'd asked for her? Or, was indulged by a mother who, after having 3 sons and no daughters, spotted an opportunity. Or, we were simply hooked up by either my mom or a knowing relative.

All I know, is that from the moment I laid eyes on her, she was my Judy. You can guess where the name came from…

When I pulled her string, she would demand, in the bitchiest diva voice I’d ever heard,
"I wanna drinka water!!!"

I couldn’t get enough of it. Judy said other things too, but if you pulled the string 4 times, you could skip through the rotation to get to the good one. I eventually wore her voice out pulling the string, but by that point, I'd already learned how to mimic her quite well.

Much to my parents' chagrin, I would bitchily call out from my bed in the middle of the night, 'I wanna drinka water!!!'  To which my mom would always come scurrying in, with a Dixie cup full of water.

And thus, a diva was born – all thanks to a doll named Judy!

Sadly, about a year after this photo was taken, Judy drowned in a tragic swimming pool accident on a family vacation in California.

Michael's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Matthew Laborteaux (Albert on "Little House on the Prairie")

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Kyle

Kyle, age 3

Sugarloaf, ME (1987)

This image has always represented an internal projection of myself at quiet. The memory might be fabricated from various stories and visits to the mountain, but I can still smell that tulip. And feel the warmth of a wood fire and the comfort of surrounding family. It reminds me what I imagine feeling whole would be like.

"Face deep in a tulip at the cabin."

I was always some version of "different."

Different smart, different social, different gay.

I rehearsed Michael Jackson routines at 4, and memorized a graduate microbiology textbook at 5.


I knew I was gay at 12, though my peers had been letting me know for some time longer. My dad knew how hard things were for me in high school, adding 30 minutes to his commute every morning so I wouldn't have to ride the bus.

I walked from class to class outside, and picked class seating at the nearest exits or doors. And while I was a coward in this environment, I spoke with conviction and poise in front of news crews and politicians: A place where I could focus my energies and could enact change, as I found my own situation immovable.

My message for kids today is:

I've learned you must be your own advocate, if you cannot find one. Whatever pain or disillusionment you experience must be redirected, or it will weigh you down. Be fiercely loyal to your friends. And never let someone project their inadequacies onto you. Love unconditionally and try to be kind.

Unless someone is messing with you. In which case, aim for their "psychological knees" and be unrepentant in defending yourself, and those you love. A bully is at its weakest and most dangerous when challenged.

So, approach them with caution - but don’t back down

Kyle's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Aladin
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Patrick

Patrick, age 5

Denver, CO (1987)

My mom would lovingly tell me "You are the sweetest little boy" over and over as a child. Little did she know how she would deny the news, when I actually came out of the closet at age 17. I mean seriously, I wanted to watch the Rainbow Brite movie in the theater, "Fame" was my favorite TV show, and of course, I just had to have a My Little Pony to brush its hair. Funny thing is, I never thought of myself as being gay, I just was.

On the first day of 1st grade, I gave my weeks' worth of lunch money to the cutest boy in class. My first group of friends were all girls (of course). We would all giggle together about the cutest boys in the 5th grade. I even fought a boy I liked in the 2nd grade, because he let a girl kiss him!

Life was great, until I switched schools in the 6th grade. A school where no one knew about all my crayoned 'when I grow up' drawings, depicting me holding a mic on stage with black slacks and a sparkly white glove. That's when the the bullying began, and the hinges of the closet door creaked shut.

But I endured, and in high school I found a circle of an "on-the-down-low" group of friends, and my self-acceptance began. I realized I was much much, much happier being out than being in. But without planning it, the words just burst out.

When I first came out my mom, she wasn't very accepting. However, she has slowly learned to realize that her sweet, sugary boy had never left - he's just a little more refined now.
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Reese

Reese, age 5

Bellingham, WA (1991)

I knew I was gay when I was 5-years old. I remember having a crush on a fellow 5-year old classmate named Dustin, and I remember how hard I cried when he moved away just before 1st grade started.

I was only able to rebound, because of my (secret) crush on Speed Racer, as well as my obsession with the fierce yellow jumpsuit worn by Ms. April O'Neil from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, perhaps my first gay icon.

I also remember my love of the "hand on the hip" pose, as is evident in the pic. If anything, looking back on photos of me like this makes me remember how un-self-conscious I was when so young.

Once I hit 5th grade, things changed. That's when the bullying started, the name-calling, the getting my ass kicked after school, etc. etc. etc. All those things that so many of us have to deal with.

Things got easier in my later high school years, but once graduation hit, I packed up and got the hell out of my small town. I moved to nearby Seattle, where I still reside.

My parents were always supportive of me, but there's one memory in particular that sticks out to me, as the first moment that my mother truly offered her love and support to me, without being too mushy.


Mom and I used to sit on the couch, eat popcorn and Doritos, and watch "Melrose Place" together when I was about 7-years old. There was a gay character on the show, a doctor portrayed by Doug Savant. In one episode, he kisses another man, or it's implied that they've had sex or something.

I remember when the episode ended and the credits were rolling, my mom turned to me and said: 'Reese, that character is gay. And that's okay.'

For anyone who feels like an outsider now:

Don't let the bullies win, always be yourself, and don't hesitate in contacting a GLBT group or Gay/Straight Alliance for support.

Someone is always out there to help you.
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