February 04, 2011

Trevor

Trevor, age 4
Adrian, MI (1992)

Here I am, giving someone the "bitch please" look at a park. Yes, it was me giving attitude far too early. I'm surprised I didn't snap my fingers. I always knew I was different. Always. Even when I was trying to fit in with the cool kids, I would never rightfully fit in everywhere. And, I mainly felt pretty lonely.

But I guess I wasn't a very gay child, as I liked playing sports - just not being forced to. My dad wasn't around very much, and when he was, he would just pressure me to be more of the boy he wanted.

I enjoyed my action figures, pop music, and every video game I could find. Plus Dinosaurs, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers - you name it. I even had my favorite Tonka trucks. Yet, I wasn't like the other kids in a lot of ways.

The age it really hit me was was at 11, at a birthday party for two classmates. I had no idea I really liked one of the boys, but he didn't talk to me the entire party.

Afterward in the car with my family on the way home, I started crying uncontrollably. I didn't even know why, other than being sad that he didn't even say "hi" to me. Thinking about it now, it's so stupid - but it makes complete sense.

I told my family to leave me alone and that I felt like I wanted to kill myself... ugh... mistake. My gay alarm should have gone off. Still, I ignored it until about 17 where I admitted to myself that 'maybe I was bi' since I knew I anatomically liked men from watching straight porn. I thought that, ya know, maybe just maybe, one day I would develop feelings for a girl.

It took me until 20 to really accept that yes, I was gay - and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My family had always been bigots, and when I finally came out and told them a boy had taken my heart, it was not accepted. The snide comments started right away and the 'you're not my son' ignoring began. I didn't even talk to my parents for months, other than, 'Hey! How's it going?

As for my friends, most of them were like, 'Really!? COOL!'. I got just a high five from one, a 'Good to know,' and of course the, 'I always suspected' I remember being told in high school that if I were gay, I'd be the perfect shopping buddy.
Yup. Still didn't like shopping.

At least now we can talk about our crush on Ryan Reynolds. On the other hand, I did lose three guy friends. And a best friend since Middle School deleted me on Facebook (and in person), because his mom was convinced I would 'give him the gay'. I still see him around and I know he misses what we had, but he's a grown man who still can't make his own decisions.

My advice to the upcoming generation: Stick to your guns.

For the sake of your own well-being, don't let someone tell you who to be. Whichever veil you put around yourself to be safe, know that inside that shell you must grow, and eventually you will be outside of it exploring the world without it.

As a creative thinker I jumped outside the box completely. It's not for everyone, but if you're tough, then take the world on. The path is tumultuous, and you're going to want to give up - but listen to that thing that says, "I will be happy" and you will get there. Love life, and love what you live.

9 comments:

TexaGermaNadian said...

I love the idea behind your site. The pictures are great, as well as the commentary. This is awesome, can't wait to look around. And congrats on the Blog of Note! :)
http://texagermanadian.blogspot.com/

Bethisboring said...

What a wonderful site. I wish I could have found this when I was coming out.

Annah said...

I am sooooooooo glad this blog got picked as Blog of Note. SO GLAD.

Being gay isn't a disease or something you "Contract". All my gay friends recall being that way since childhood. THere's nothing wrong with being gay and the more people like yourself write about it and discuss it, the easier it will be for others to accept.

God bless you and take care.

Anonymous said...

Great blog. Love must be our unique religion. The more we love, the more we'll grow our spirits and minds. Congratulations anyway for your site.

Anonymous said...

What an amazing post! So inspiring, thank you!

Anonymous said...

I really like this part: "Whichever veil you put around yourself to be safe, know that inside that shell you must grow, and eventually you will be outside of it exploring the world without it."

I've got my own brand of being different, and based on my own experiences, I think there's a lot of wisdom in that. Thanks for that. :)

Anonymous said...

What a great fun story, I can't imagine somebody saying you can "cvatch gay" but hey...I guess we are years from accting we are all the same, no matter you color, religion, sex preferences, whatever. I hope you are indeed a very happy person <3

Ruby said...

Ohmygod! You have a crush on Ryan Reynolds, too!

I knew there was smart people in this world somewhere :)

Anonymous said...

"For the sake of your own well-being, don't let someone tell you who to be. Whichever veil you put around yourself to be safe, know that inside that shell you must grow, and eventually you will be outside of it exploring the world without it."

Thank you for this :)