Nick

Nick, age 5

Monclova, Ohio (1988)

I'd say I always had pizazz. I don't think I was ever over-the-top enough to be considered flamboyant, but I certainly was not meek or mild in my mannerisms. I never felt drastically different from the rest of my family, as everyone was a character. Home was a good place, even as my older brother came out at 25, and I was 17. I followed suit a year later. We were still treated the same, because we were the same: just colorful characters captured in photos like this one.

I was always attracted to guys, even at a very young age.

When teachers in elementary school announced the arrival of a new student, I would be gravely disappointed if the newcomer was a girl.

You see, I loved boys.

Boys were enigmatic to me and I didn't understand them. I observed them in class, running in herds on soccer fields, riding bikes in my neighborhood.

I didn't get what was so interesting, but I wanted to.

They excited me, like a toy I really wanted that was too expensive for my parents to buy. I couldn't get my hands on them, and I desperately wanted to!

Gay was such a negative term when I was growing up. It was used to harass and embarrass. I didn't want to be gay, and I denied it as I grew out of my childhood. When I was 15, however, I crumbled.

At a family party, the son of my mother's coworker said something to me I will never forget. I'd been running around, had gotten sweaty, and was looking for my sister. I found her in a group of kids, this boy included, and as I ran up to them, the first thing out of my mouth was, 'Phew, I'm really hot'.

This beautiful boy that changed my stubborn thoughts and unlocked my sexuality, looked me up and down and said, 'You sure are.' Everyone in the group took it as a joke and laughed about the absurdity. But I looked at him, stunned, and saw, for the first time in my life, that knowing look that gay men give each other. That look that travels across crowds of people, that sixth sense like your own personal dog whistle that raises every alarm in your head.

The knowing was instantaneous: Now I knew! GAY. I am gay.

The thing I knew since the days when this photo was taken, and the thing I denied for years, was true. Utterly and undeniably true. And then: relief.

And then, the beginning to a wonderful life!
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Claudia

Claudia, age 3

Ravenna, OH (1962)

That's me holding the stuffed animal and that's my brother sitting next to me. I'm wearing a flannel shirt and jeans, and - notice the short hair? All my life I remember wanting to wear boys clothing and shoes. I never liked girlie things.
I wanted toy guns, trucks and G.I. Joe, and I never played with Barbie.

I had a crush on my 1st grade teacher and crushes on many women growing up. I had no clue what the feeling was at that time. When I was in grade school, I had an imaginary girlfriend. I used to sit on the bus and wouldn't allow anyone to sit with me so my imaginary girlfriend could sit next to me.

The word lesbian didn't exist where I went to school. I did not come out until I was 22 and I fought it tooth and nail. I did not want to be "abnormal". One of my biggest crushes was my during senior year in high school. My best friend Robyn was the homecoming queen, and I used to walk her to classes and carry her books for her. You would have thought I had a clue then, but I didn't.

The best advice I can give young people today is be true to yourself and be who you are. I give the teens today a lot of credit for coming out so young, and realizing who they are.

Tracy

Tracy, age 7

Yellowstone, Wyoming (1973)

Here I am at age 7, just out of 1st grade, on a family trip. I was with my parents and two younger sisters. We lived in a suburb of Cleveland, Ohio, and spent almost 3 weeks on the road. I was a tomboy from the beginning, and I remember how exciting it was to get this cowboy hat and run around playing cowboys and Indians (and no, we weren't very PC-aware back then...) When I look at this photo now, it makes me laugh - I was so butch and self-confident!

My parents were always very cool and didn't force me to wear girly clothes. And my Mom gave up on dresses before I even hit kindergarten. My middle sister is only one year younger than me, and we often chose to dress alike. Funny, she is a lesbian, too! Our youngest sister, who is straight, is the odd-girl-out.

Boys did not interest me in the least, and I had my first serious crush on a girl in 2nd grade, and I never looked back.

For young gay and lesbian kids who might be reading this -- hang in there and believe in yourself. I am 45 now, and the changes I have seen so far in my lifetime are incredible. When I was your age, I never would have imagined I could be married to a woman, but I now live in New Hampshire and I am.

By the time you are my age, it will be an even more different world.
You have lots of love and happiness ahead of you!

Tracy's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Julie Andrews, Helen Reddy, & Karen Carpenter
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Brian

Brian, age 5

Columbus, OH (1972)

In this photo I'm engaging in one of my early childhood's favorite activities: dancing in my grandmother's high heels. I would sneak into her closet and emerge wearing my favorite pair - her black patent-leather pumps.

"Step, 2, 3, 4 - Turn, 2, 3, 4"

That's my little brother who I'm showing the ropes - and sharing those favorite shoes.

I don't recall this particular moment, but the script usually went like this:

'Hey, do it this way.
Step, 2, 3, 4 - turn, 2, 3, 4.'
(I was a little bossy. They called me the Mother Hen).

My mother informed me we were at my grandmother's house, and it's probably her holding the camera, encouraging us at every turn and laughing - much to my father's dismay.

In the next shot, my brother and I are smiling for the camera; my brother's grin fittingly shy, but I'm mugging like a Hollywood bigshot.

Soon came other distractions, like baseball (yeah!) and football (hated it!) and soccer (yaaawn), and Scouting (the organization AND the boys). But by 13,
I was refusing to play catch with my father and I quit the Boy Scouts after I heard an older, bracingly handsome Eagle Scout call someone a 'fag'.
That was that for me, and I wanted out.

I've always known that I'm solely attracted to men. Always. My earliest memory is of a good friend of my parents named Luke. Or, more accurately, his hairy forearms. An odd thing for a 5-year-old to recall, to be sure.

I'm the middle son of 3 boys. Surely my father (an Air Force enlistee) thought he'd hit the genealogical jackpot with my brothers and me. Just think of it: three chances to pass on the family name! Little did he know that none of us would grow up to produce any children.

Incidentally though, I'm the only gay child in the family.

I love this photo of me and my brother. It makes me laugh, and I was such a free spirit. I still am, thanks in large part to the love and support of the women in my life, notably my mother and my grandmother.

Brian's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lance Kerwin (from "James At 15")

Lee Majors ("The Six-Million Dollar Man")
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Robbie

Robbie, age 5

Cleveland, OH (1971)

This picture was taken on our annual men-only fishing trip to the Ontario Lakes. I went on this trip with my grandfather, father, brother and some uncles and cousins until I was 8 or 9, when I refused to go - and was never asked again. We traveled with coolers of food and drinks, and fishing guides to carry them, so there was no practical reason for me to wear that canteen. Maybe it’s an early sign of the aggressive self-sufficiency that I used to deflect attention from myself, my needs, and my perplexing desires from the time I was about 9. Or maybe it just shows a sad weakness for accessories.

It wasn’t easy to get me to stand & pose for this picture, as you can see from my half-smile and the impatient tilt of my head. In these albums, there are no pictures of me mugging for the camera or insouciantly holding a fish the way my brother and cousins did.

I would have rather been at home in Cleveland, reading a book or playing with my Legos.

I work a little with teens in my job. A few are headstrong gay kids who make their way to the Gay & Lesbian Center and other organizations. I envy these kids, the supportive environments they find, and the peers they meet.

A lucky few of these gay kids might even have adolescences that somewhat resemble the ones that straight kids have.

But I also meet gay kids (at least I think they’re gay) at the other end of the spectrum. Pain radiates off these kids and it takes me back to my own adolescent pain. Part of me wants to give them a hug and tell them things I wish I had understood back then. Mainly, that the feelings they’re so anxious about are perfectly normal and can't be separated from them.

But it's not my place to talk to them in this way, and it would probably freak them out or do some damage, so I keep the brochure rack filled and hope they figure stuff out.

The first time a male body made my mind go blank with hunger was an episode of the Six Million Dollar Man where Steve Austin was laid out on an examining table by some aliens, covered only by what seemed to be a dishtowel. I was about 10. Among boys closer to my age, I divided my attention between Peter Brady and Bud from "Flipper." Nearly all of my real-life boyfriends and crushes have been skinny, dark-haired guys or stocky redheads.

So maybe the real question is: TV - nature or nurture?

Robbie's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lee Majors ("The Six Million Dollar Man")

Shawn

Shawn, age 5

Litchfield, Ohio (1987)

This is back in my childhood in Ohio. RURAL Ohio. VERY rural Ohio. I guess I've always felt different, but didn't recognize this as "gay" until about age 15.

"Gettin' Hitched"

I was friends with a girl my age two doors down (yes, really) named Jennifer. She pressured me into a marriage of convenience with the words, 'Hey, let's play gettin' married!'

As a kid, I enjoyed marriage as a ceremony. Perhaps it wasn't a movie I shouldn't have watched at age 5, but I loved the twisted wedding scene at the end of "Flowers In The Attic," where the mother falls off the balcony to her death.

Anyway, I suppose this makes Jennifer my first and only beard in my first and only homo-flexible moment.


My mom baked a Duncan Hines cake and Jennifer's older brother played preacher. We said our wedding vows, had an awkward kiss, stuffed our faces with cake, then danced on the porch.

Seeing this pic again really made me look back and realize how effeminate and, well, f*ggy I've always been. Now, 23 years later as an out adult, I look back on these photos and it makes me wonder why anyone would ever make me feel bad about being FABULOUS!

I see these photos now as cute and adorable instead of any kind of embarrassing. They're photos of me, the way I always was and continue to be.

Oh, and PS:
Our "wedding" ended in divorce after I saw Jennifer poop in a sand bucket and feed it to her dog...

Shawn's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Chris O'Donnell (as Robin in "Batman Forever")
If I recall correctly (and of course I do), his skin-tight costume gave me my first voluntary boner. Good times!
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Thom

Thom, age 6

Columbus, Ohio (1997)

I believe I was pretty well-rounded as a gay child. I liked toy cars and Barbies, didn't play sports until I was older, but was always physically active outside. I was definitely very emotional and cried quite a bit. Taking after my sister and gay brother, I always had unique tastes in music and movies, etc. My lips were always extremely rosy, which got me made fun of a lot.

"I had my gay older brother to model myself after"

As for the photo, I'm in the middle, and my gay brother is on the right. Looking at it now, our gayness was absolutely apparent.

It was around 8 or 9 that I knew I liked men. One day while in my friend's backyard, her shirtless dad shouted something to her from the upstairs window.

That night, I had a dream in which he was naked. When I woke up I just knew that that - and men in general - appealed to me more than women. I didn't accept myself until around 15, however.

Thom's first, famous-person same sex crush:

David Hasselhoff ("Baywatch")
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Zach

Zach, age 9

Cincinnati, OH (1995)

The photo was taken by my father who claims - amazingly - that he had no idea back then that his son was a homo. Here, I'm doing my best Liza hands. Like my outfit, my upper-body is completely mismatched to my lower-body, which seems to be doing a Texas two-step (cowboy boots included).

“Classic Zach”

Sadly, I was not one of those fledgling gay boys to whom fashion sense came naturally. Thus my younger sister looks on in admiration/horror.

My real revelation of being "different" came around age 16, when I insisted having a karaoke machine a family BBQ.

Why? So I could entertain all our guests with my rendition of "New York, New York," complete with high-kicks.

I also vividly remember pretending to be an Olympic figure-skater.

Me and my best girlfriend would slide around on the linoleum floor in our socks. This was just following the Nancy Kerrigan vs. Tonya Harding Olympics drama. 

I was always a weird kid. I think my teachers and classmates probably recognized me as gay before I did. My kindergarten teacher wanted to hold me back for a year because I was, 'short and hung out with girls.'

Luckily, I have incredibly supportive parents who told that teacher off, supported me in all of my drama-fag interests, and more recently embraced my incredibly handsome, Maltese-born fiancé as a 2nd son. I think the hardest part of coming out was admitting that everyone was right about me all along. Being contrarian is one of my greatest joys.

We now refer to this photo as "Classic Zach," and while I have moved beyond the sweatpants and cowboy boots of my youth, I like to think that I still retain the same idiosyncratic exuberance (flaminess?) embodied in this picture.

I feel lucky that I grew up into a family that allowed me to be myself, even if being myself was not exactly accepted by suburban Cincinnati society.

Zach's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Steve Guttenberg (in "Short Circuit")

John

John, age 6 months
Cleveland, Ohio (1965)

As a kid, I was always into performing. Acting, playing piano, pretending. I just remember always loving the spotlight! All through high school and college, I was very involved in theater, choir, and any other music related activities.

I think I felt different around age 12 but I didn’t know why.

All through school (Catholic school AND college), I just felt strange and didn’t know why.

It wasn’t until age 22 that I realized I was gay, and not until age 25 that I accepted it.


I LOVE this picture of me and often refer to it as my first headshot!

John's first, famous-person same sex crush:

David W. Harper (Jim Bob on "The Waltons")

Jim Bob was during grade school. After that, John Erik Hexum ... sigh
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Nate

Nate, age 11
Greenfield, OH (1995)

This is me in my school picture for Greenfield Middle School. What I can remember of this time of my life, is that I would not leave the house without a perfect combover. If my hair wasn't strictly lying across my brow at just the right angle, I couldn't leave the mirror - let alone the house.

"Early emotional eater"

I was also fond of sweatsuits because, as you can see in the photo, I was a bit of a chubby tweener. It was around this time that I discovered that all of my pairs of jeans were labeled "H" - as in husky...

I didn't do well with guys my age, and girls my age were starting to turn on me. Because, despite my best attempts at masking it, I was in fact a gay boy. It doesn't help either that I had such a cherubic face, or that at this age I was already tweezing my eyebrows. 

Back then, there were many times I was found stealing Barbies from girl cousins. When I finally convinced my parents to get me one, all I got was a He-Man action figure (which eventually worked for me in a far less-dressed context). 

What's crazy is that once I realized for certain that I was gay at 17, I had a flood of memories, including a moment on the playground in 2nd grade. I was pushed by a boy, because I was caught batting my eyelashes at him - something I thought was sure to win his affections.

Looking at this picture now, despite the beaming smile, I remember the sadness.

I remember the hurt that I felt daily, because something was wrong with me. And I had no way of knowing what it was, nor how to fix it.

I remember loneliness at a very early age, and knowing that all I could do was hope that someday things would get better, which they have. I've lost the weight and let my hair grow out.

And no more chubby combover for me.

Jay's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Justin Timberlake (while in N*Synch)

Brett

Brett, age 7

Lima, Ohio (1970)

Here I am in my Easter finery sitting next to my beautiful Mother. Please note the scowl on my face. I am furious – FURIOUS!  I am adorned with that plain white carnation, the most blasé of the boutonnières, while Mother is wearing the most GORGEOUS violet corsage I have ever seen.

When we were all preparing to go to Mass and the flowers came out, I could not understand for the life of me why Mother got to wear that corsage and I was stuck with that plain carnation.

"Violets Stir the Green-Eyed Monster"

I really pitched a fit about it and I sulked through the Easter Sunday Mass and possibly even after we got home. 

I guess I learned early on that life is not always fair. 

I enjoyed playing Barbies with my sister, and the feel of their long hair. I would brush my best friend Molly’s hair every day after school.

And I loved being in nature.
I was not interested in sports or other “masculine” things.

I look at that picture fondly now. My mother was so beautiful and impeccably dressed, and I look dapper despite the pout. 

I came out so early for my generation; I was 15 when I announced I was gay
(in 1977 - at a Catholic high school!) and it was such a wonderfully freeing experience. To be able to match a name to all those feelings that signaled I was different from the other boys. 

I recall being particularly captivated by a swim team coach about the time this picture was taken. He was blond, had washboard abs, and was rocking a tiny Speedo - as we all did on swim teams at that time.

I am happy to say that I had a very positive experience during high school and my friends all took the news quite well.

Brett's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Dr. Race Bannon ("Johnny Quest" cartoon)
Sean Connery ("James Bond")

Jan-Michael Vincent ("The World's Greatest Athlete")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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