Paul

Paul, age 2

Fort Worth, TX (1969)

Here I am at age 2. I don't have a significant number of memories from this time, but don't I look great? The pink balloon and the Hollywood shades say it all. While I grew up in a city, my family had ties to ranching and farming, and I did not enjoy the "man's work" that was involved on the ranch that much.

While I didn't mind shooting a gun and fishing, I did not enjoy digging post holes. My "moment of knowing" I was different was probably watching game shows with my mom. Paul Lynde ("Hollywood Squares") and Charles Nelson-Reilly ("Match Game") always made my mom and I laugh. It was sort of a secret we shared, because my dad and brother never really got that humor.

My first same-sex crush was probably Shaun Cassidy on "The Hardy Boys" TV show. And now that I think about it, I think I liked Parker Stevenson more. But Shaun had that album with "Da Doo Ron Ron," and I played it over and over, singing into a hairbrush the whole time.

As for a message to young kids now, whether gay or not, my advice would be:

Live your own life.

It's tough sometimes for everyone. Gay kids aren't the only ones with rough times. We're at a time in history of telling straight kids to understand how tough life is for gay kids - but like so much else in life, it's a two-way street.

Those straight kids may be going through some pretty rough times, too. While I'm not religious now, I like the the part of the prayer of St. Francis which says, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood". Another great quote is from a bumper sticker: "Prejudice rarely survives experience."

Gay kids: reach out to your straight classmates and help them through a tough time. I promise, they will be there for you when it's your turn.

PS: I'm really thankful for whoever took this picture, and that it survived!

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Parker Stevenson & Shaun Cassidy ("The Hardy Boys")
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Paul

Paul, age 4

Grove City, Ohio (1984)

My childhood dream was to be Snow White. Although I couldn't whistle, I regaled everyone with my version of "Whistle While You Work," and raised some eyebrows waltzing through the house singing "Someday My Prince Will Come."

I also started channeling my creative energy into another outlet: drawing. My parents sought the mentoring of a local artist, who took me under her wing when I was 4, and she taught me that anything I imagined could come to life on canvas.

Soon, every wall in our house was covered with oil-painted tributes to my favorite heroines. I then decided that I didn’t want to be Snow White when I grew up. I wanted to be an artist.

I'm grateful I had a mentor who cared enough to fuel this creative flame, because the other flaming aspects of my personality presented problems at school.

Boys with high-pitched voices - whose approach to running laps in gym class could be described as "prancing" - didn’t fare well. I learned that in order to survive, I had to conceal those aspects of my personality that made me different.

I wasn't able to describe what I was covering up as "gay" yet, though. That realization didn’t fully hit me until right after college. Still, I knew there was something inside me that needed to be squelched, or it would ruin everything.

Fortunately, this is a fairy tale with a happy ending.

I found my way out of the dark, enchanted forest to a place of self-acceptance.
I even found my own handsome prince, and our life together is as close to "happily ever after" as I can imagine, this side of the Magic Kingdom

I've also continued pursuing my dream to be an artist. My paintings that explore my journey out of the closet are displayed in galleries across the country.

Art was my salvation during the most difficult parts of my childhood, and I encourage others who struggle with similar issues to find a way to creatively express themselves.

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Prince Charming ("Snow White")
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Paul

Paul, age 5

Sacramento, CA (1961)

Now at age 54, I look back at this photo of me and remember my "first gay thought": It was when Steve, my best friend next door, "mooned" me from his bedroom window. Though I couldn't identify those feelings or the attraction,
I absolutely loved it, and the feeling was intense enough that I never forgot it.

 I tried to be the best little kid in the world, totally respecting all authority and acting like an angel; probably overcompensation for realizing that I was born different, and there was no changing that.

Around 6 or 7, I loved watching "Daniel Boone" on TV, as I was so in love with Daniel's blond-haired son, Israel. 

At age 8 I remember I was also very attracted to one particular plastic army man (the sniper). His posterior seemed to be such a turn on.

Finally on my 21st birthday, I completely came out to myself.
It was either that or suicide.

Adults want to deny these feelings - either straight or gay - in kids, but we know the truth that most of us experience those sexual and affectionate feelings at young ages.

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Darby Hinton (Israel on "Daniel Boone")

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Paul

Paul, age 4

Davenport, Iowa (1979)

I was always surrounded by family, cousins, and neighborhood kids. We had a huge yard and we were always playing and horsing around. My Aunt Peggy (also pictured) was always using me as a live dress-up Barbie. She would parade me around in her clothes, my Grandma's purses, makeup, the whole 9 yards. I could have sent in quite a few pics.

"Look at me MA, pink is not just for girls!
Let the slumber party begin!"

This pic in particular is of interest, because this nightgown is one that I always had to sleep in when I was at Grandma's. I was at her house a lot. I was her favorite and still continue to be nearly 32 years later.

In my family, the first born male has turned out to be gay for generations.
I am just one of many in our family. And that's some living proof, that being gay is hereditary.

As I look back at this picture, it brings a smile to my face. I had a great childhood, and I cannot complain. It takes me back to helping my Grandma bake and decorate wedding cakes, playing in her Avon makeup. And my Aunt Peggy is someone I've had an amazing relationship with until about 1993, when life got in the way - marriages, divorces, relocations, etc.

I knew something was different with me probably in Junior High. I always had "girlfriends" and loved to make out with them whenever I got a chance.
But I always pictured in my mind I was kissing their brothers instead : )

I never did anything sexually until I got to college and had my first boyfriend at the age of 20, and I've never looked back.

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Bret Michaels (singer in Posion)

Ricky Schroeder ("Silver Spoons")

I also loved Bo Duke, then Dexter from 'Dynasty' - I loved the power he had!

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Paul

Paul, age 12

Royal Oak, MI (1963)

When I was around 4 or 5, I announced to my parents that I wanted to be a ballerina. Not realizing that they would be crushing my dream, they explained that I could only be a "male dancer". That was my first clue that if I wanted to survive, I had to hide my true identity.

A few years later after when offered dance lessons, I of course asked for Ballet, but was told no classes were available for boys. The nearest dance studio offered a Boys Jazz & Baton class however. Baton! My 2nd secret ambition was to be a drum major/cheerleader, so this class gave me a free license to TWIRL.

My dad would take me to the studio every Saturday morning. Back then, I never understood why he -  and not my mom - came with me. I took dance until sometime during my first year of Junior High when the threat of being harassed - and worse - became too real.

Since I was already getting great practice running from dangerous situations, I joined the track team. The hunky 20-something ex-Marine coach (who I had a major crush on) also had something to do with my becoming an athlete.

For years I would feel a bit uncomfortable by this picture. All those negative memories would rush back. The fear of being "outed" because I was taking dance lessons, and my embarrassment that my dad was taking me to class because he felt sorry for me. At least that's what I thought.

I found out only after he died in 2001, that the reason he took me to class was because he loved to dance, and he'd wanted to take dance lessons himself when he was a boy. This still brings tears to my eyes when I think of the missed opportunity to be close to him, at an age when I desperately needed him.

And here's an FIY on my first kiss:

Age - 5 or 6

Place - behind the neighbor's bushes

The boy - Dickie Foster

My reaction - 'Why does it taste salty?'

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Tony Dow (Wally on "Leave It To Beaver")
Sal Mineo, John Gavin, & Rock Hudson

Paul

Paul, age 12
San Antonio, Texas (1972) 

This is my 8th grade class picture from Nimitz Jr. High in San Antonio.

I saw David Cassidy and Freddy from "Scooby Doo" wearing "apache ties" and I thought they were cool. Of course, apache ties were very short.

This colorful number was actually one of my mother's scarves. But I thought I was really high fashion. Needless to say, I got picked on a lot.

I always thought boys were cute and always had girl friends. But my Southern Baptist upbringing didn't leave room for being gay.

I finally came out to myself at the age of 19 while attending Baylor University in Waco, Texas.

What the hell was I thinking?

On the up side, now that I'm an openly gay comedian, this picture is an integral part of my stand-up act.

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crushes: 
Shaun Cassidy, Vince Van Patten, David Cassidy ___________________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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