Paul, blogmaster

Paul, age 10

N. Quincy, Massachusetts (1972)

I chose this picture, because it includes the women in my life who I love so dearly: My sister Linda, my amazing mom (RIP), and my sister Andrea. Plus, who can resist my red velour shirt, the plastic grape tree, and Linda's insanely florescent eye-makeup? Gotta love the 70's, right?

I'm the baby of our Italian family, and my mom raised me herself after divorcing my dad when I was 7. It was pretty much mom and me on our own for much of my childhood. I'm forever indebted to my mom, for her strength, her support, and teaching me the value of hard work. But the home haircuts? Not so much…

I was a pretty happy kid who loved art, drawing and anything on color TV - a luxury back then! But I was also pegged and relentlessly taunted as the "fag" and "pussy" and "queer" pretty much from 1st grade through high school.

It always amazes me how other kids know we're gay or different, even before we know it ourselves - or at least what to call it. I knew from around age 6 that I felt attractions to boys and men, but the topic of gay or homosexual simply wasn't discussed. Besides Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson-Reilly, I was flying blind.

But I distinctly remember an older male friend of my mom's who used to cut my hair. He was a handsome married man, and I remember liking it when he'd stand right up against the barber chair, and my elbow brushed against his crotch.
But that wasn't sexual at all - it was about a connection to a male.

I seriously loathed sports and gym classes. And it's never fun getting a dodgeball across the face as many times as I did. But the silver lining was my 8th grade gym teacher - a rock of manly muscles, curly blond hair, and a dimpled chin. When we all had to do sit-ups, I purposely positioned myself directly in front of him on the floor, so I could blatantly look up inside his gym shorts!

I was a choir geek in junior high, tried to play the tuba for a month, and played "Macbeth" in a school play. But mainly only so I could paint the castle we used as the set piece. Had I not become a DJ, I'd definitely be a graphic artist now.

My kid obsessions included: MUSIC on the AM radio, Farrah Fawcett, playing Slug in our backyard, "Wacky Packages," "Willy Wonka," banana seat Schwinn bikes with clothes-pinned cards in the wheel spokes, wearing my sisters' black "fall" wigs pretending to be Cher, "Match Game," and mounting yearly Carnivals and Haunted Houses to raise money for the Muscular Dystrophy Association.

My best friends were the girls, who I definitely related to much more than boys. After "dating" girls through high school (and barely getting to 2nd base with any of 'em), the lightbulb finally went off and I admitted I was gay to myself at 17.

I came out to both my sisters around 19, and they were both completely supportive. And kind of non-plussed, actually. It really was no surprise.

In my first year of college, while still living at home with my mom, she found some gay porn magazines under my mattress. She went to my sisters, and I'll never forget how amazing their cover for me was. They just said to her: "Oh ma, he probably just has those for his art classes, to practice drawing the male form."

I came out to my friends shortly thereafter, and my bestest BFF Pam was practically giddy about it, if not pissed I didn't tell her sooner. Again, no surprise...

I didn't officially come out to my mom until I was 30. Crazy, right? I always felt if I told her, she would just worry about me twice as hard. But on that trip to Boston during breakfast, and mustering up the dreaded 'Mom, I have something to tell you' – she didn't blink, and said "Are you gonna tell me you’re gay?"
I don't think I ever hugged her harder than I did that day.

And I have to say: Moms always know we're gay. They really do. So I encourage those who are afraid to come out, to trust your instinct – and theirs – and be honest with them. Living the closeted lie is like a 10-ton weight on our backs.

In closing, I have to say this to the LGBTQ youth of today:

Stand tall, walk proud, and believe in yourself! And never, ever let those who bully you or taunt you make you stop being exactly who you are. And understand that their homophobia is ugly and ignorant, while you are beautiful and unique!

When we're kids in school, we feel like it's the most important time of our life.
But I gotta tell you: Those years are a mere nanosecond, compared to the lifetime of happiness, joy, and love that will come in to your life as a proud, gay adult.

I was able to turn all my obsessions and passions as a kid, into a career that I adore. I feel blessed to be part of the invaluable contributions that gay people bring to society and to the world. That YOU will bring to this world, too.

But yikes! I think I went way over the 350 word-count rule here.
I'm gonna have to have a word with the blogmaster about that, eh? :)

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crush:

David Cassidy

Obsession is more like it! I saw him in concert, had every poster and teen magazine he was in, and a huge scrapbook! Yeah, Paul - not obvious at all...
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Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Paul

Paul, age 2

Fort Worth, TX (1969)

Here I am at age 2. I don't have a significant number of memories from this time, but don't I look great? The pink balloon and the Hollywood shades say it all. While I grew up in a city, my family had ties to ranching and farming, and I did not enjoy the "man's work" that was involved on the ranch that much.

While I didn't mind shooting a gun and fishing, I did not enjoy digging post holes. My "moment of knowing" I was different was probably watching game shows with my mom. Paul Lynde ("Hollywood Squares") and Charles Nelson-Reilly ("Match Game") always made my mom and I laugh. It was sort of a secret we shared, because my dad and brother never really got that humor.

My first same-sex crush was probably Shaun Cassidy on "The Hardy Boys" TV show. And now that I think about it, I think I liked Parker Stevenson more. But Shaun had that album with "Da Doo Ron Ron," and I played it over and over, singing into a hairbrush the whole time.

As for a message to young kids now, whether gay or not, my advice would be:

Live your own life.

It's tough sometimes for everyone. Gay kids aren't the only ones with rough times. We're at a time in history of telling straight kids to understand how tough life is for gay kids - but like so much else in life, it's a two-way street.

Those straight kids may be going through some pretty rough times, too. While I'm not religious now, I like the the part of the prayer of St. Francis which says, "Seek first to understand, then to be understood". Another great quote is from a bumper sticker: "Prejudice rarely survives experience."

Gay kids: reach out to your straight classmates and help them through a tough time. I promise, they will be there for you when it's your turn.

PS: I'm really thankful for whoever took this picture, and that it survived!

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Parker Stevenson & Shaun Cassidy ("The Hardy Boys")
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Paul

Paul, age 4

Grove City, Ohio (1984)

My childhood dream was to be Snow White. Although I couldn't whistle, I regaled everyone with my version of "Whistle While You Work," and raised some eyebrows waltzing through the house singing "Someday My Prince Will Come."

I also started channeling my creative energy into another outlet: drawing. My parents sought the mentoring of a local artist, who took me under her wing when I was 4, and she taught me that anything I imagined could come to life on canvas.

Soon, every wall in our house was covered with oil-painted tributes to my favorite heroines. I then decided that I didn’t want to be Snow White when I grew up. I wanted to be an artist.

I'm grateful I had a mentor who cared enough to fuel this creative flame, because the other flaming aspects of my personality presented problems at school.

Boys with high-pitched voices - whose approach to running laps in gym class could be described as "prancing" - didn’t fare well. I learned that in order to survive, I had to conceal those aspects of my personality that made me different.

I wasn't able to describe what I was covering up as "gay" yet, though. That realization didn’t fully hit me until right after college. Still, I knew there was something inside me that needed to be squelched, or it would ruin everything.

Fortunately, this is a fairy tale with a happy ending.

I found my way out of the dark, enchanted forest to a place of self-acceptance.
I even found my own handsome prince, and our life together is as close to "happily ever after" as I can imagine, this side of the Magic Kingdom

I've also continued pursuing my dream to be an artist. My paintings that explore my journey out of the closet are displayed in galleries across the country.

Art was my salvation during the most difficult parts of my childhood, and I encourage others who struggle with similar issues to find a way to creatively express themselves.

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Prince Charming ("Snow White")
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Paul

Paul, age 5

Sacramento, CA (1961)

Now at age 54, I look back at this photo of me and remember my "first gay thought": It was when Steve, my best friend next door, "mooned" me from his bedroom window. Though I couldn't identify those feelings or the attraction,
I absolutely loved it, and the feeling was intense enough that I never forgot it.

 I tried to be the best little kid in the world, totally respecting all authority and acting like an angel; probably overcompensation for realizing that I was born different, and there was no changing that.

Around 6 or 7, I loved watching "Daniel Boone" on TV, as I was so in love with Daniel's blond-haired son, Israel. 

At age 8 I remember I was also very attracted to one particular plastic army man (the sniper). His posterior seemed to be such a turn on.

Finally on my 21st birthday, I completely came out to myself.
It was either that or suicide.

Adults want to deny these feelings - either straight or gay - in kids, but we know the truth that most of us experience those sexual and affectionate feelings at young ages.

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Darby Hinton (Israel on "Daniel Boone")

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Paul

Paul, age 4

Davenport, Iowa (1979)

I was always surrounded by family, cousins, and neighborhood kids. We had a huge yard and we were always playing and horsing around. My Aunt Peggy (also pictured) was always using me as a live dress-up Barbie. She would parade me around in her clothes, my Grandma's purses, makeup, the whole 9 yards. I could have sent in quite a few pics.

"Look at me MA, pink is not just for girls!
Let the slumber party begin!"

This pic in particular is of interest, because this nightgown is one that I always had to sleep in when I was at Grandma's. I was at her house a lot. I was her favorite and still continue to be nearly 32 years later.

In my family, the first born male has turned out to be gay for generations.
I am just one of many in our family. And that's some living proof, that being gay is hereditary.

As I look back at this picture, it brings a smile to my face. I had a great childhood, and I cannot complain. It takes me back to helping my Grandma bake and decorate wedding cakes, playing in her Avon makeup. And my Aunt Peggy is someone I've had an amazing relationship with until about 1993, when life got in the way - marriages, divorces, relocations, etc.

I knew something was different with me probably in Junior High. I always had "girlfriends" and loved to make out with them whenever I got a chance.
But I always pictured in my mind I was kissing their brothers instead : )

I never did anything sexually until I got to college and had my first boyfriend at the age of 20, and I've never looked back.

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Bret Michaels (singer in Posion)

Ricky Schroeder ("Silver Spoons")

I also loved Bo Duke, then Dexter from 'Dynasty' - I loved the power he had!

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Paul

Paul, age 12

Royal Oak, MI (1963)

When I was around 4 or 5, I announced to my parents that I wanted to be a ballerina. Not realizing that they would be crushing my dream, they explained that I could only be a "male dancer". That was my first clue that if I wanted to survive, I had to hide my true identity.

A few years later after when offered dance lessons, I of course asked for Ballet, but was told no classes were available for boys. The nearest dance studio offered a Boys Jazz & Baton class however. Baton! My 2nd secret ambition was to be a drum major/cheerleader, so this class gave me a free license to TWIRL.

My dad would take me to the studio every Saturday morning. Back then, I never understood why he -  and not my mom - came with me. I took dance until sometime during my first year of Junior High when the threat of being harassed - and worse - became too real.

Since I was already getting great practice running from dangerous situations, I joined the track team. The hunky 20-something ex-Marine coach (who I had a major crush on) also had something to do with my becoming an athlete.

For years I would feel a bit uncomfortable by this picture. All those negative memories would rush back. The fear of being "outed" because I was taking dance lessons, and my embarrassment that my dad was taking me to class because he felt sorry for me. At least that's what I thought.

I found out only after he died in 2001, that the reason he took me to class was because he loved to dance, and he'd wanted to take dance lessons himself when he was a boy. This still brings tears to my eyes when I think of the missed opportunity to be close to him, at an age when I desperately needed him.

And here's an FIY on my first kiss:

Age - 5 or 6

Place - behind the neighbor's bushes

The boy - Dickie Foster

My reaction - 'Why does it taste salty?'

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Tony Dow (Wally on "Leave It To Beaver")
Sal Mineo, John Gavin, & Rock Hudson

Paul

Paul, age 12
San Antonio, Texas (1972) 

This is my 8th grade class picture from Nimitz Jr. High in San Antonio.

I saw David Cassidy and Freddy from "Scooby Doo" wearing "apache ties" and I thought they were cool. Of course, apache ties were very short.

This colorful number was actually one of my mother's scarves. But I thought I was really high fashion. Needless to say, I got picked on a lot.

I always thought boys were cute and always had girl friends. But my Southern Baptist upbringing didn't leave room for being gay.

I finally came out to myself at the age of 19 while attending Baylor University in Waco, Texas.

What the hell was I thinking?

On the up side, now that I'm an openly gay comedian, this picture is an integral part of my stand-up act.

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crushes: 
Shaun Cassidy, Vince Van Patten, David Cassidy ___________________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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