Jay

Jay, age 6
Sterling, Virginia (1984)

Childhood was a great time and a rough time for me. My parents allowed me to be who I was. But the world wasn't always so great with the concept.

I don't think of my story as all that special, but it floors most people who hear it for the first time.

If Disney made a movie about me, it may be closest to "Pinocchio" - but without the weird kids-taking-that-donkey-acid-trip scene.

Simply put (and here's the big reveal), I dreamed every night of waking up as a real boy. 

But I was not born a wooden puppet.

I was born a little girl.


I was a very loved child, but I was also wildly misunderstood by many, myself included. It took about 23 years for me to figure it all out.

I had unbelievable support from my family and the friends I kept close. And especially from my spouse, sister, mom and dad. But I kept a lot of people at a distance along the way. I still struggle with finding the right way to tell people.

Being who I am means being a Dad, a husband, a brother and a son. But it's tough to figure out why or how to divulge this layer of my past without it consuming perceptions and shifting realities.

But the truth is, kids out there are going through the same things I went through. And they - or their friends and family - are reading this blog.

So for those young ones going through the things I went through, know this:

Your night-time wish can be your future, too. And your mom and dad may one day call you their son with the same pride they had back then. Maybe even more now, since you've given them grandkids.

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Dhanny

Dhanny, age 3

Caracas, Venezuela (1980)

When I was a child, I was like "the toy" in the house, because I'm the youngest of 4 children. I was a bit spoiled, and my one sister even walked the whole city, just to buy me an E.T. doll with lights on the finger and heart.

My childhood was as nice as possible, but I knew I was "different" as early as kindergarten. My teacher called my mom to tell her that I always held hands with another boy, and said it was "abnormal behavior." So the teacher put us in different classrooms. And I think this was the first time that I was "punished" because of my "natural selection" - haha!

I loved playing baseball, swimming, and riding my bike like most kids. But there was always something inside me that made me more soft. I excelled in art, drawing and acting. But when it came to baseball or football, I was the worst!

In high school, I even had a girlfriend! But with pressure about having sex, we had no choice but to break up and just be friends. She was actually a lesbian, and 10 years later we kissed, just to piss off our old friends.

I chose this picture, because it shows me trying to steal some grapes. And my family thought, "How cute! Click the camera!" But when it came to my sexuality, that was a subject not talked about in my house.

But now, I think they feel so natural in my life. My nephew and niece come to my home, and they love my partner. I have been blessed with my family, and I don't feel shame about anything.

I worry about today's kids, who still suffer hardship because of their sexuality.
But we are not aliens. And there is nothing wrong with us, or you.

As long as you respect yourself, you can be respected back. There is a bright future ahead, and it gets better every day. But the most important person we need to love, is ourselves.

Dhanny's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris on "Saved By The Bell")

I watched just to see 'the cute blond guy,' desperate to be his Kelly! 

Fernando

Fernando, age 4

Mexico City, Mexico (1979)

Ever since I can remember, I knew I was different from other kids. I liked things other boys didn't like, such as playing with my cousin's dolls, and wearing my mom's sunglasses, heels or makeup. The other boys liked the things I hated, like playing soccer or getting G.I. Joe dolls for Christmas.

I pretty much grew up that way, realized I was gay at age 13, and came out quite late, at age 23.

Looking back to my childhood, I feel very proud of the courage it took for me to stand up for what I believed in, and to dare to come out.

Especially considering the environment where I grew up: conservative and Catholic in upper-class Mexico city.

At the beginning, the process of coming out seemed hard and painful. Very close to impossible, actually. I felt as if I'd be the only homosexual my friends and family would ever have to deal with.

Pretty soon after I started the coming out process, I realized that wasn't the case. I had my friends' and family's support, but it took a little time.

And to my huge surprise, my three closest childhood friends turned out to be gay as well. No wonder we remained friends all those years!

Chris

Chris, age 2

E. Grand Forks, MN (1977)

I always felt like a fabulous fish out of water in my hometown in northern Minnesota. This picture perhaps does "scream gay" from my earliest days, one of three in a series of some of my favorite toddler pictures.
 
This was taken in the days of disco, when I enjoyed playing with dolls, banging the piano, and looking like a young, gay version of Hugh Hefner.
 
It was only the next year that I had my first kiddie crush on a boy. He was 8 and rode a dirt bike in my neighborhood.

Despite my eagerness to be with him, he and his friends brushed me off as any 8-year old would, to a 3-year old.

I had many boy crushes from TV: Jason Bateman on "Little House on the Prairie" and "Valerie," Mackenzie Astin on "Facts of Life," Todd Bridges on "Diff'rent Strokes," and Scott Baio on "Happy Days."

But I didn't know I was gay until much later, and didn't admit it to myself until I was 19. Nor to anyone else until I was 21.

If I'd known when this was taken (and many subsequent pictures that spoke the thousand words I could only hint at in my young imaginings), I would have told myself that everything would be OK. At least once I grew up and moved!

There was a lot of the world out there to see. And after I saw some of it, I got to appreciate where I came from, as well who I am and have always been.

Chris' first, famous-person same sex crush:
Jason Bateman
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Justin

Justin, age 7

Kendal, Cumbria, UK (1989)

I had two obsessions as a child - clothes and dancing. My mum took my sister to ballet lessons, which I insisted on attending. And to my father's utter disbelief, she actually dressed me in a leotard with ballet slippers. I even had leg warmers.

This concerned my father so much, he insisted I take rugby lessons to man me up. And I hated them.

Not because I didn't like rugby or that I was terrible playing it. I just felt really out of place.

The other boys on the team took an instant dislike to me. Eventually, my dad and I compromised, which meant taking tennis and cricket lessons.

So, I was allowed to keep dancing and drop the traumatic rugby lessons.

I never realized I was gay until I was 14, and was not comfortable with it until much later.


And I can remember the moment I knew: a friend brought a porn magazine to school. We were all fascinated, as none of us had seen a naked woman before.

I remember saying "I don't get it," and someone said "Well, you must be gay." This placed the seed of doubt in my mind. Weeks later I knew for sure, when a friend found his mum's very graphic videotape called "A Guide to Sex." The woman in it didn't interest me, only the man. And, my two best friends.

I don't know why it took so long for me realize who I was, or why I found being gay so difficult to accept. In my mind, being gay was a weakness. And at the time, I already felt flawed.

I decided to repress everything I felt was gay about myself. I regret doing that,
as it made me so unhappy. It was not until I started art school that I started to accept who I was. The moment I did, my life changed for the better.

Today, I'm a menswear designer. And I still love to dance.

Martin

Martin, age 7

Paris, France (1998)

This pic was taken at La-Ferrière-Sous-Jougne, a summer camp in the Jura.
This summer camp was really cool, and everybody was so open-minded.

It was definitely not a problem for me to wear makeup or to do drag or whatever.

All the adults were very sweet with "different" guys like me.

Being there was a real freedom for me. They were my family, and I could be exactly who I was, for real.

I was in love with David Bowie, and remember that I was remaking "West Side Story" in my head everyday.

When I look at this picture now, I feel so thankful to all the people there. They helped me to be the man I am today: Proud, strong, fierce, and happy.

And now, I'm giving back and trying to help LGBTQ youth by being a Sister of Perpetual Indulgence, in Paris.