Ron

Ron, age 7

Gemert, Holland (1967)

I'm on the right in the pic, and the other boy is Johnny. I remember that we were very good friends, but one of the few things we disagreed on was the fact that Johnny always wanted to be 'the mother' when we "played house" back then.
And here, Johnny's playing with my sister's doll.

You see, I also wanted to play the 'mother' too,  but Johnny was very clear and dominant about it. Well, Johnny is now Joyce  - a transgendered woman.
He had his sex-change over 20 years ago, is now 51, and happy being a woman.

I always knew that I was gay, and I used to stare at the male body for as long as I can remember. I was so fascinated by men back then - and still am - that it was never a shock to me that I'm gay. It shocked some people around me though, but that is their problem.
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Uli

Uli, age 4

London, UK (1983)

I think my Grandmother took this photo, as it’s her high-heels I'm wearing - although I have no real memory of it being taken, or who the girl in the cart is. It's interesting that I’m outside in a public park, parading around in heels so unselfconsciously. I do have memories of scampering around in the bottom of her wardrobe closet. I would find some high-heels and totter around her bedroom, and she'd let me do it. And I remember it was the best fun ever.

My mother showed me this photo when I was 8, and I recall feeling ashamed of it, and thinking how terrible it would be if anyone from school saw it. I wanted the picture buried and kept secret, even if I didn’t understand exactly what it all meant then. So it feels really good to share it here now.

I also played with Barbie dolls at this time, and I loved them. My Mum would take me to a big department store and allow me to pick one that I liked for a special treat. I think it's great that she did that. That kind of story is echoed in a really sweet children's book called "William's Doll" by Charlotte Zolotow.

Playing with these dolls was wonderful, and my first crush was a Ken doll, with his intriguing anatomical protrusion. But it was also a source of unease for me, because I felt on some level, that playing with dolls was wrong.

Also in the pic, check out the length of my hair. I had bright, almost white blond hair as a boy, and with aging hippie parents, they generally kept it long.
I remember women would comment to my Mother that I looked like a girl.

Eventually mum grew concerned with what other people were saying, and took me to the hairdresser to get all my golden locks cut off. Afterward, I remember sitting in front of the mirror at home and crying my heart out - and how she felt terrible. Then, in an effort to butch me up, she made me go to Karate lessons once a week, which I mostly hated. Except that it gave me the chance to hang out with all the class girls during breaks. Where there's a will, there's a way...

In hindsight, I think mum was just trying to prepare me for the real world, to ensure that I had the physical strength to bolster my emotional sensitivity.
And I know that impulse came from her love.

I now work as assistant manager at Gay's The Word – the UK's independent and comprehensive LGBT bookshop. Despite my job, I still think I’m somewhat of a hung-up homo. I've never dragged-up for example, and tend to act in a pretty masculine fashion. And honestly, I can be quite self-conscious about this.

So finding this photo again as a 31 year old has been really good for me.

I'm really proud of that little boy that I used to be, walking around the park in high-heels. And I think I’m going to take a page out of his book from now on, relax, and just be myself.
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Manuel

Manuel, age 3

Oviedo, Spain (1955)

My friends see this pic now and tell me how I remind them of Jane Wyman in All That Heaven Allows. Which flatters me, and perhaps it predicted what would be my future. I always loved Jane Wyman in that movie, and Rock Hudson disguised as the gardener.

"My first day of school"

I was the smallest boy in my catholic school, and all the nuns (even the bad ones) immediately became my 2nd mothers. But they seemed so foreign to me, and I'd ask them questions like: 'Do you eat? Why are you dressed like that? What's going on in your mind?' They adored me, as I was a very nice boy.

Later, I went to work as an actor in children's theater and I'd recite poems standing on a chair. I sang songs, and people said I looked like Pablito Calvo, a famous child prodigy from that era. He was the actor in Marcelino Pan Y Vino, which is a great Spanish film of 1955 (the year of my birth), and a film that I still love.

Another signal of me being gay back then?

I was very into films and movies as a boy, and still am. I still love The Sound Of Music the best, and more recently Douglas Sirk's Melos and Far From Heaven. Julianne Moore is one of my favorite actresses, of course.

But it was the actors who I had crushes on, such as Charlton Heston, Doug McClure, Rock Hudson, George Hamilton, Troy Donahue, Michael Landon, James Franciscus, Robert Wagner, Warren Beatty, Jeffrey Hunter, Richard Harrison, and Stephen Boyd. Whew! :)

While I really didn't have an awareness that I was different as a child, my dreams were clearly telling me something just the opposite.

And it took me very little effort to be completely sure.

Manuel's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Robert Conrad
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Ben

Ben, age 2

Bristol, England (1974)

I was barely able to dress myself when I came across this fairy dress in my godparents' daughter's dressing up box. I'd toddled off on my own while everyone else chatted over a lazy lunch, came back into the room wearing it, and refused to take it off. I remember just loving the colors and how lightweight it was, even though it was the biggest thing I’d ever worn.

Everyone thought it was hilarious, but I remember the laughter being warm and friendly. If only they knew! I love this picture, as it shows me able to go off and explore on my own, and come back to face the world as I really am. I'm still a rebel at heart, and still love fancy dress!

I knew I was gay from about 7 years old, although no one else ever knew until I was 16, and started to date girls. Instinct helped me to come out to those who would be kind and unchallenging towards me, and one by one I did that during High School.

Then, before University, I left to teach in a remote Pakistani village for one year. Selfishly and cowardly, I thought and hoped that my wider 'coming out' might happen that year without me, as if by some bizarre process of remote osmosis. But like many others, I had to do it the painful and brave way.

There followed the usual denial, tears, soul searching and heartache against a backdrop of the UK government's terrifying 'Don’t Die Of Ignorance' anti-AIDS campaign. Everyone seemed to think I’d be dead within a year!

I’m 36 now - healthy and happily married to a gorgeous, strong, and sensitive man. And I'm very grateful for the relative freedoms of the times we live in, especially in the UK. I also have a supportive and loving family.

But there is still so much injustice in the world, and I’m saddened to think that others suffer pain because of love. What a terrible paradox. But there’s no real compromise.

Love has to be worth fighting for, and that is my message for kids facing the turmoil of coming out and falling in love for the first time.

Ben's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Harrison Ford (in "Raiders Of The Lost Ark")

I tell people I was inspired to study Arabic because of "Lawrence of Arabia",
but Indiana Jones was the real reason!
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Rafa

Rafa, age 5

Madrid, Spain (1974)

I chose this pic of me at a beach near Valencia (where my family vacationed), because I can look into my eyes and feel the huge barrier I built up in my inner world, and one I thought I was supposed to show to everyone else. It’s not a very natural expression, and one that no small child should be showing on his face.

I remember the ever-present idea of loneliness that seemed to have no end in sight. Knowing I was different - and aware that nobody would approve of what I was feeling - always made me feel alone. And I felt a false certainty that things would remain that way forever.

I can’t claim to have been only incredibly unhappy, because my family loved me and I had a few friends. But as my birthdays went by, the burden of hiding what I felt lead me to feel constantly misunderstood. As a result, I often sought out my own personal place, where I could just be alone and not have to pretend in front of anybody. That’s why I always read or drew or played by myself.

When I was 4 or 5, I was already aware of the fact that I was attracted to men, something "very bad" that I couldn't talk about. I remember watching TV shows like Little House On The Prairie and feeling drawn to the actors, but not to the actresses. And I remember suffering, because I would force myself to not look at other boys. I never tried to do anything with girls at all, but I did force myself to be basically sexless and never give in to my impulses. That turned me into quite an introverted person, as well as a rather unhappy one.

For the gay kids of today feeling different, I say - don’t hide it, no matter how old you are. I know it’s hard and you’ll go through some rough times. But none of that compares to having your childhood and teenage years taken away from you.

Don’t let those years just go up into smoke. Live them for yourself, because the people who truly love you will stay by your side. And though they may have a hard time at first, they will support you in the end.

Love yourself above all else.

PS: I'm married and happy, and out of the closet for 20 years now

Rafa's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Marc Singer ("The Beastmaster") & Maxwell Caulfield ("Grease 2")
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Andrew

Andrew, age 9

Portadown, Northern Ireland (1979)

I always loved the stage – singing, dancing, performing, and fancy costumes. Unable to go to the local Dance School (boys in Ireland didn't dance way back then), I joined my Primary School's "Glee Club." Yes, we had one in Northern Ireland, decades before it became a 21st century phenomenon.

"A 70's Billy Elliott story, except I never became a famous dancer!"

This pic is from out Hans Christian Anderson performance for the school, and I was chosen to play The King from The King's New Clothes  - 'Look at the king, look at the king, the king is in his altogether, now altogether'. Which meant wearing a white vest top, white underpants, and white tights. I couldn't believe my luck!!! I was being allowed to wear all this in front of about 400 children and 30 teachers. Talk about pure bliss and heaven, and being in my element.

Years later, I met up with a teacher who said he'd 'never forget me until the day he died.'  When I asked him why, he replied: 'Me and the staff members witnessed what was probably your first and last erection in public that day! You were so engrossed in your character, you didn't notice a tiny little bulge downstairs'.

Needless to say, I was mortified! But in retrospect, even that couldn't detract from that moment of glory.

Years before this, my grandfather came to my defense by warning my dad to not suppress my "inappropriate" behavior. Which back then included playing with irons and vacuum cleaners, wearing my mum's heels, and pretending to be a majorette. My grandfather assured him that I'd probably outgrow that little "phase".  If only I still wanted to play with real irons and vacuum cleaners now – I wish I hadn't grown out of that. As for the other part? I guess he was wrong!

Jurek

Jurek, age 9

Warszawa, Poland (1999)

I'm the boy being hugged in this pic. The blond kid is a friend that I was attracted to, and I suddenly felt an urge to hug him for the photo. Then I panicked thinking 'what the hell am I doing?' 

I always knew I was different, and not just vaguely different. I was attracted to boys, no two ways about it. One of my earliest memories is playing on the grass with a slightly older boy, and doing everything just to hug him.

Even doing normal "boy stuff" I felt like an outsider infiltrating a world that was fascinating to me: Shirtless boys on a soccer field, Boy Scout camping, and don't even get me started on sleepovers!

Then came my 'Eureka Moment' when I was 10, during a sleepover with a best friend I had a crush on at school. We were sleeping in the same bed, and because it was a very hot night, we slept shirtless, and really close to each other.

I'll never forget the emotional and sexual tension I felt. I couldn't sleep, and I basically spent the whole night just looking at him sleeping. And I was like:
'YES! This is me! It's beautiful and I feel I'm alive. I LOVE him, and I feel - happy'. Then he opened his blue eyes, smiled at me all sleepy, and I thought:
Yes indeed, this IS it....'

I never behaved "gay" so most people were surprised when I came out. Except for this boy that I just mentioned. We were supposed to meet again at a class reunion, and before we met, I wrote him on messenger: 'I'll have some surprising news to tell you.' And his reply was: 'You mean, beside the fact that you're gay? What is it? Oh, nevermind...'

I had it relatively easy as a gay kid, compared to many. Even though Poland is a strongly Catholic, above-average "homophobic" country, I wasn't raised in a really religious home, so bigotry wasn't going on. And I went to private schools with kids from more open-minded families. As I wasn't a "sissy" I wasn't really bullied at school for being gay. So I can't speak for those who have it really bad.

But my message to gay kids now, is: Choose your friends carefully, and of your really good friends, tell them you're gay. I told most of my friends beginning at 15, and all of them accepted it - because they liked ME as a person. It can be harder to tell your parents, but if you do, you'll probably finally feel relieved.

My own father - a right-wing conservative - accepted me, and when he saw how happy I was with a boyfriend, he begin to be actively positive towards it! And I know many such stories. So don't be so afraid - there are people who are more tolerant than you think

But, if YOU have problems accepting it yourself, think about it this way: You've been blessed with two feelings that are generally considered beautiful - Romantic love, and the brotherhood of two men as friends. It's a gift! And just think how many awesome people were gay! I started with Oscar Wilde...

Oh, and my best friend from the reunion? He let me hug him as we were saying goodbye - and he even took off his shirt for me. And he is straight as an arrow!

Jurek's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas ("Home Improvement")

Bjorn Andresen (in "Death in Venice")

Skandar Keynes (in "Chronicles Of Narnia")
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Martin

Martin, age 12

Gloucester, UK (1961)

This was my official school photo from my first year at secondary school. As you can see, I was a fairly scruffy kid with no pretensions of diva - but the long eyelashes were probably a giveaway. I remember a classmate asking me if I dyed my hair, which probably sums up what I looked like back then: very dark hair and pale skin.

I suppose I knew from the age of about 3 that I was gay. I remember seeing a guy changing on the beach and I actually felt a rush of lust.

I'm the youngest of 4 kids, and learned early on that I was different and probably tried to hide my differences by becoming quiet and introverted.

I had very few friends, and those I did have were girls. Why didn't anyone put 2 + 2 together?!



Around the time of this photo, I discovered sex. I won't go into any lurid details, but needless to say at that age I was jailbait! I never got caught though. So, moving right along ...

My parents split up when I was 9, and I moved from Gloucester at 15 to live with my mother on the east coast of England. Then, I started pretending to be straight by having a girlfriend. We even got engaged to be married - but thank God I saw the light before that happened.

I moved to London at 21 and discovered a very healthy gay scene there.
I eventually moved to Madrid, Spain for love - which unfortunately didn't last, but living in Spain did. It was a good time to be in Spain: gay liberation was in the air, along with sexual liberation. I am now with my definitive version lover, and we are about to celebrate 10 happy years together.

My parents are both dead now and I never had the chance to tell my father who I am. But I did tell my mother, and she accepted it with her blessing. Me and my partner's familes all know about us, and we are just another couple within the family framework.

When you consider that in my youth homosexuality was illegal, it shows that self-acceptance and self-love is the key. Something inside me always told me that my feelings were natural and inborn. I really feel I have no regrets, and I'm now a well adjusted member of the human race.

And I'm as normal as the rest of us.

Martin's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

George Chakiris & Michael Callan

Jonathan

Jonathan, age 10
Cheshire, UK (1982)

This pic was shot at my prep school. The previous year, I had my first crush on Mr. Barton - a sexy, newly qualified teacher with a thick beard (and the first signs that I liked the bearish, masculine type of man). In this picture I was an innocent only child, whose life would change just 6 months later. My innocence was lost, but it has made me the person who I am today.

"Sugar wouldn't melt.
But 4 years later all hell broke loose."

Things were lovely and idyllic growing up, until my stepfather had a breakdown after the birth of my half brother. Mother didn't realize that he was relentlessly bullying me, both physically and emotionally.

However, things changed for me at 12, and I suddenly realized I could control my own life. My stepfather stopped the bullying when I stood up for myself, as a physically strong pre-teenager.

And my mother sensibly kicked him out shortly after.


I experimented at an early age with sexual encounters, with girls/women and boys/men. I lost my straight virginity at 13 and my gay virginity 6 months later with my then best friend. Very hedonistic days, and not at all like the teenage years shown in Disney films!

During university, I almost married a woman. But I knew I got more pleasure being with men, both emotionally and physically. I was outed at work by a security guard who showed a CCTV video of me making out with a fellow bank colleague - a very swarthy, butch, muscular hocky player - in a car in the parking lot! The security guard lost his job as a result of this.

I was surprised at the lack of shock at my outing, but it was then when I started to identify as a gay man - instead of a man that had occasional sex with men.

I am now 37, and married to my husband since August 2010. Our families attended and our life is amazing, fulfilling, and is made so by both of our life experiences.

Jonathan's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Brian Blessed (Prince Vultan in "Flash Gordon")

I found myself attracted to his hairy chest, big beard, and leather harness.
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Alan

Alan, age 7

London, UK (1957)

Here I am on Christmas day, front and centre next to my favourite aunt, with my parents looking rather glum at the rear. My first memorable activity was what my uncle termed 'Picking apples' - my ballet dance, with my  arms in the air. Then singing in a talent contest at age 4, which was a song about the Queen's Coronation. The first birthday present I remember wanting at age 4, was a tea set, and I recall making tea with it for mom.

I also enjoyed cooking with mom - much to dad's chagrin. Around 5, I wanted to see The King & I and Oklahoma. My favorite aunt had all the Rogers & Hammerstein LP's, which I knew by heart by the age of 10.

Crushes on boys began at 6, and although I wasn't aware what it was all about, I knew I wanted their closeness. I loved sharing a changing cubicle with a friend I swam with at elementary school. I was hopeless at team sports (still can't throw or catch), and was always picked last for any team. So I spent my time playing make-believe or chatting with the girls.

In the 60's in the Essex UK suburbs, I had no clue what being gay was. I just presumed (and yet somehow seriously doubted) that these crushes would eventually fade. And that all would fall into place, that I'd marry a girl and have kids etc. But I distinctly recall the moment a friend told me what "gay" was - and I was really worried.

Could this be my fate? I knew it was, but I spent the next decade trying to be like everyone else, hiding my real self and feeling totally alone.

My deliverance came with my move to Canada, ostensibly to study but really to make a complete break and find my true self. Thankfully, by 1972 Gay Liberation had already taken root there. I plucked up my courage and I went to one of the meetings on campus. Home at last!

I met my present partner in Montreal in 1973 and the rest is history.
We married in 2007 - after 34 years of living in sin!

Alan's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Cary Grant (in "An Affair To Remember") & Ty Hardin

Matthew

Matthew, age 5

London, England (1995)

"And people say I am camp now!"

This was taken on Christmas Day and I only ever wore it one other time. I went to the park with my family and I was wearing this outfit and some boys made fun of me.

I was so upset I never wore it again.

And this supposedly broke my mother's heart as she didn't like me feeling uncomfortable with who I was or what I wanted to do.

I had more fun playing with girls toys than I did with boys toys.

I remember I once had a swimming Cindy doll, several Disney princess dolls, and also wanted to be Ariel from "The Little Mermaid."

And I've known I am gay since I was about age 8.

I had a crushes on boys in school and also asked my parents what that meant.

Today, I think this photo is adorable.

I am very proud of my parents for being cool enough to buy it for me when I asked. I'm also very sad knowing that so many children can't get what they innocently want, because it doesn't fit the right roles.

Matthew's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Andrew Hayden Smith (actor, "Byker Grove")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book

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