Silas

Silas, age 3

Reedley, CA (1992)

Religious holidays were particularly huge gatherings for us. Easter was all about getting dressed up for my Southern Baptist family. This Easter, I was fashionable as always in a full body jumpsuit and cherry lip balm - because those smackers aren't naturally that red. And my sisters, Lacey and Michelle, wear ensembles sewn by our Aunt Julie. I love the food, bonding, and hugs that surround holidays, as they remind me of all the love there is on this planet and in Heaven.

As a kid, I had a billion Beanie Babies and watched "Family Matters" every day after school. On Saturday mornings, I'd sing along with the "Pokemon Song" ("Gotta catch ‘em all!")

I first felt different in kindergarten. My best friend and I were early "boyfriends." We would hold hands and kiss on the bus everyday after school.

When he told his parents that he loved me, they gave him the sex talk.

They told him being gay was a sin. That message was repeated to me.

As a result, for years I thought that women had "china" - not "vaginas" - up their skirts, and I refused to eat off porcelain.


Growing up gay in a Christian household can be rough. I have struggled to reconcile my faith and sexual orientation, and coming out was hard. But my family still loves me, and I know that if I meet a guy worthy of bringing home someday, we will rough through that together too.

Struggles are something everyone has; Christ, my friends, and my family help me deal with mine. I am a Gay Christian, and I was made this way.

Silas' first, famous-person same sex crush:

Prince Eric (from "The Little Mermaid")

Honestly, he was the sexiest cartoon character I'd ever seen.

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Chad

Chad, age 6

San Diego, California (1972)

Childhood was not a happy time, and it's shown in my face here. I was raised by a fundamentalist Christian preacher and his wife, in a home filled with abuse, where every emotion and desire was suppressed and beaten down.

I was constantly bombarded with messages that gays and homosexuals were the blight of the Earth, and who were faulted for every problem and natural disaster.

I was shown mocking images of flamboyant gay men in drag and butch lesbians riding motorcycles, as clear evidence that men and women had turned from their natural affections.

I didn't really have indications that I was different, because I had no reference points for comparison.


But, I do recall being very young, and being very intrigued by the male nudes at the museum.

In high school, I met another boy with a similar upbringing and we became close. As we started sharing our deepest thoughts and intimate secrets, we revealed that we both enjoyed this forbidden pleasure. Of course, I never mentioned it to my parents. According to them, ALL sex was bad, and even remotely sexual thoughts would send a person straight to hell.

Even then, I didn't realize those desires as gay. To me, homosexuals were the flamboyant (and ridiculed) queens in the Pride Parades, wearing shorts and leather hats. Yet secretly, I thought they were the hottest men I had ever seen!

It wasn’t until I left home that I came to terms with who I was.

Once I got out of that bubble, I learned that gay men could share a life together, and there were places I would be accepted as I am. I also learned that love did not have to come with physical pain.

I also learned that my parents were not a positive influence in my life.
They continued to abuse me with their guilt, disappointment, and shame long after I became an adult.

Thus, I learned that I didn't have to keep my parents in my life, and we haven't spoken in years. I'm a much happier person for eliminating that negativity.

More importantly, I learned that my feelings were not a cause for shame, but rather a reason to celebrate. And, that I was allowed to actually have fun and do things that felt good and enjoyable.

The young boy in this pic was introverted, shy, withdrawn, abused, and hurting. The adult man that this child became is intensely happy, full of life and love and cannot wait for each new day!

So I know that it really does get better, and being gay is not just a phase.
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Alan

Alan, age 12

Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada (1978)

My first memory of being "different" or gay happened when I was probably no more than 7 or 8 years old. I was taking swimming lessons at the local YMCA, and I remember a man walked into the pool area and sat down, waiting for our class to be over. He was very cute and had a very hairy chest.

All I can remember was being mesmerized by him. I wanted to swim over there and rub my hand over his chest, as I had never seen anything like that before. To this day, over 35 years later, I can still picture him in my mind.

I grew up in a very strict Roman Catholic family. It wasn't until I went away for university that I was able to be true to myself. Many, many times I wanted to go to the student gay club, but I just couldn't muster up the courage to do it.

Finally, I met a lesbian, and we became very good friends. A few months later I told her I was gay too, and she was so happy.

It felt great to be able to true to myself. It wasn't always easy, but I am happiest knowing that I am true to myself, and I'm at peace. 

I now live in Toronto, and was formerly the Treasurer of the Toronto Pride parade. I have met so many great people there; friends who I still have today, and friends I wouldn't have if I wasn't true to myself and made it through.

It took me a long to say "I am gay" out loud. There were a lot of tears, a lot of stress, and a lot of sleepless nights. But I wouldn't change my life.

Everyone's time to decide to be true to themselves, is their own to make. It may be in your teens, 20's, or even later. But only you know when it's the right time.

Never be ashamed of who you are, never apologize for who you are, and be PROUD of who you are.

Alan's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lee Majors ("The Six Million Dollar Man")

He was very rugged, very confident, and very sexy.

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Ross

Ross, age 7

Greencastle, Pennsylvania (1976)

Since I was 5 or 6, I thought about kissing boys. Sure, that sounds a little early, but I was brought up in a strict Mormon family, and we had to prepare early for our "Forever Families." My preparation wasn't exactly what they had in mind.

This picture was taken for Halloween. My sister had been going to beauty school, and it was her idea to make me into a girl for the evening.

Practicing makeup on someone is one thing, but she went so far as to make the blouse and skirt to boot.

At the school's Halloween party, everyone just stared at me wondering: "Why didn't that stupid girl get a costume?"

Good times...

I wasn't a girly boy, but I wasn't a boy's boy either. So fitting in with other kids wasn't really an option.

We moved a lot (around the world), and I made friends here and there.

But nobody in my family or church prepared me to deal with the homophobia that hit left and right.

I really envy the kids of today. I met a guy the other day that came out when he was 16, and his family didn't bat an eye.

But to the kids that still have the narrow-minded families and churches to deal with, I tell 'em this:

Be true to yourself. You're the only one that's ever going to make yourself happy. Don't rely on loved ones or God to be true to yourself. Rely on yourself and respect life, and you'll grow into someone pretty awesome.

Currently, I'm a return ex-Mormon missionary with a partner of 19 years.
And life is good. It's like Grandma Moses said, "Life is what you make of it.
Always has been, always will be."
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Alex

Alex, age 3
Baltimore, MD (1990)

When I was a little girl, my mother loved to dress me up in Laura Ashley dresses, elaborate bows, and shiny saddle shoes. And I resisted, hard. I was content wearing my older brother's hand me down clothes, and play catch with him and my dad. My less-than-amused look says it all.

"The dress works fine, but let's save it for my girlfriend next time."

Indeed, I had tomboyish streaks growing up, but I've always been kind of an old-school fag at heart. Mom instilled in me a love for dance music, fine dress, and meticulous grooming - though she may not love how I present myself now.

My dad forced me to watch AMC, where I discovered a bevy of effete "bachelor" characters in glamorous old films, who were my idols. My favorite character on the legendary "The Kids In The Hall" was (and always will be) Scott Thompson's inimitable swish, Buddy Cole.

When I came out at 13, I embarked on a journey in search of identity comfort. As a Catholic school girl in a single-sex environment, I felt pressure to be feminine. When I got to college, I attempted stone butch. Then God help me - I had a sneaker phase. 10 years after my foray into faggotry, I'm happy and comfortable with ambiguity.

And I delight in answering to, "Are you a boy or a girl?"

Nothing is ever easy when people view you as different. It takes a while to get to a good place, and 99% of the time it's a terrible and arduous process. It can tear people apart, cause unimaginable pain, and seem like it's taking forever.

But nothing is more "worth it" than feeling comfortable in one's own skin.
Or wingtips. Or stilettos. You know what I mean.

And, as for floral dresses and shiny shoes? ISO W4W.

Alexandra's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Sofia Coppola (in "The Godfather, Part III")

Even at that age I knew the movie was terrible, but Sofia was BEAUTIFUL!
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Jimmy

Jimmy, age 11

Randle, Washington (1993)

Growing up in a small town the size of a highway was never easy. Boys definitely played boy roles, and girls played girl roles. And I was caught in the middle, and always felt closer with girls my whole life. I also felt I had to be a girl in order to be with a boy, and I didn't know what "gay" was. I had that feeling until age 11, and then my mindset changed, and I finally stopped asking God why.

I figured out that I liked who I was, and I could be with a boy and stay a boy. I never felt like I was a girl, so why change that?

I was always teased because I was much more feminine than anyone else in my school.

I always tried to act tougher, but it was never me, nor did it fool anybody. And when I tried to change who I was, it only made things worse.

But along with the teasing, threats ruled my life. I came home from school many times crying, running into my mother's arms. And, asking her what a "f*g" was.

I'm lucky that my mom and dad were always there for me. Maybe it's because they saw what I went through daily, or that I had a bit more skip to my step.

Now every step I take is with my head held high, instead of looking towards the ground and hoping nobody screams anymore names at me. 

All the good and the bad from my childhood made me the man who I am today, and I love that person. I left that small town and now live in San Francisco, where I can walk down any street holding my partner's hand without fear.

In the near future we hope to adopt and expand our family, and we've been chatting about it on our blog, DaddiesJourney. In the end, it was all worth it.

Jimmy's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Mario Lopez (on "Saved By The Bell")

I remember growing up and dreaming about Slater
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Dennis

Dennis, age 8

San Diego, CA (1973)

In the pic on the right, that's me as a freshman at NYU in 1983. When I rediscovered this pic some time ago, I laughed for days. It would still be 20 years after that when I'd really come out of the closet. Before that happened, I served on a Mormon mission to Brazil, got married in the Mormon temple, had 4 kids, and continued pretending I was straight.

I don't remember the context of that dorm room picture, but it definitely seems Freudian or symbolic somehow. Why did I pretend I was coming out of a closet? Of course, I knew I was gay at the time. All my classmates were coming out, yet my smile belies the terror that I actually felt inside. My family and religious community would never accept me unconditionally as a gay man, and I knew it.

But how did I think I was fooling anyone? I was enamored with Timothy Hutton, the band Loverboy (mostly because of that album cover showing the butt in red leather pants), and I loved all things theater, especially musical theater. New York City welcomed me in its loving, understanding embrace, yet fear still made me to reject a very fundamental part of myself for years to come.

Even coming out 20 years later, I was right about the non-acceptance of my family and church community. But true peace really only comes by living on the outside in a manner consistent with how you feel on the inside. It feels incredible to finally have that. And my advice is do it sooner, rather than later.

Dennis' first, famous-person same sex crush:

Timothy Hutton (in "Ordinary People")

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John

John, age 4

Pikeville, N. Carolina (1984)

I always felt different as a kid, but never knew why. I was described as "sweet, loving, empathetic, artistic" - later realizing all those words were code for gay.
I was the middle child of five, with two older sisters and two younger sisters. My childhood was spent playing dress up and putting on impromptu fashion shows with my sisters. I always loved dolls and girly things, but knew it was wrong and was something to hide. Growing up a devout Mormon didn't help the matter.

When I was finally old enough to realize I was "a gay," I immediately turned to self loathing and entered a deep depression.

I prayed for God to change me, and tried to avoid thoughts of other guys. At 17, I realized I could not change who I am, nor could not 'pray the gay away.'

Not knowing there was a world out there that could accept me for who I was, I tried to take my own life.

I was admitted to the hospital and kept for two weeks in a mental ward. It was there that I came out to my first person. It was a therapist, who on the final day of my stay, came into my room and said she knew I was holding something back.

I burst into tears and said:
'I'm gay, and I think I'm going to hell.'

I was so hoping to hear from her what I felt in my heart, such as, "No, you are a good person, that's what counts. Your actions define who you are, not who you are attracted to." All I wanted was a little reassurance, some understanding and comfort. Instead she said, "Now is the time you should turn to God. Now is the time to pray." I smiled and nodded, but I knew she was wrong.

At that moment, I realized that any God who would condemn me for something I could not control, was no God of mine. I left the hospital renewed in my self worth. I was weeks from my 18th birthday, and finally felt like there was a chance for me to be happy. I came out to others, and each time regardless of their reaction, I came to accept myself a little more.

Today I am a 31-year old man with a bright life and a positive outlook. All my struggles have given me the character and strength to overcome obstacles that would easily derail others. I love myself and know that I am not defined by my sexual orientation. I am lucky enough to have a family who accepts me (now), and a sister who is also gay, and she's an inspiration to me.

I hope anyone reading this can realize that they are special and worthy of love, no matter who they are. Our world is changing for the better, and each new day gives me renewed hope for the future. Life is good, and it is definitely worth living, even when things seem the bleakest. So hang in there! It gets better!!!
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Maureen

Maureen, age 9

Pasadena, California (1957)

I'm here on the right with my BFF Cheryl, who I realized much later, was my "girlfriend". We're snuggled up together here, and we used to hug and kiss every time we met. At our age in that era, people thought it was "cute". I really loved her, and asked my folks if we could adopt her, even though she had parents.

She was my first real "crush" - and though I didn't know why, the way I loved her was "different". Several years later, my next crush in high school was recognized for what it was by the nuns. And my parents got a letter informing them that my classes had been changed, due to an "inappropriate friendship," and my dad didn't know what that meant.

But here, with Cheryl, I knew I was in love and it felt wonderful.

In the 1950's, no one used the word "gay" yet, and I didn't know what a "homosexual" was. But I usually had at least one "girl-crush" every school year. And by the time I was in 9th grade, in an all-girls Catholic school, all the girls would get together and giggle about boys - and I would be looking at them.

Today, as I look at this photo, I wish what I felt then had been recognizable and accepted. After a marriage, kids, abuse, and a nervous breakdown, I finally came out to myself and others at age 48. At that time, I had met the love of my life, and she was a transgendered woman.

Now, I am a Witch and a Unitarian Universalist. My church recognizes same-sex unions, so I married my wife 15 years ago. Today, I am happily settled with my life partner, openly gay, and Pagan. And with children (from the first, disastrous marriage) and grandkids who love and accept Mamo and Nana for who they are.

After all the angst I experienced, I would like to tell gay kids that it definitely gets better.

Maureen's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Audrey Hepburn
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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