Jason

Jason, age 4

Iowa City, IA (1978)

I grew up in a rural farm town in Iowa. I always felt different, but didn't know quite why. But I lucked out having a mom who supported how different and creative I was from a very young age. She encouraged me to bake, sew, and garden with her. Particularly since my 2 sisters were less interested in all that.

When my great-grandmother died, my mom inherited some of her old clothes, including mink stoles, opera gloves, purses, and hats.

My mom wanted them to hold on to her memory, but they soon became my play costumes.

My mother had two close friends with sons, both a bit younger than me. One day while all the moms socialized at our house, we three boys dug into the closet where my great-grandmothers clothes were stored.

We donned various items of clothing, and then paraded out to show them.


We performed a Woman of the Year beauty pageant/fashion show, going back and forth with new ensembles, and doing a fashion runway. And all our moms thought we looked adorable.

I'm still amazed to this day how they didn't scold us or try to stop our behavior. In fact, they applauded our antics.

Years later, all three of us boys came out as gay.

My mother jests that "there was something in the water" where we grew up.
She understands that being gay is like a gift, and I am so grateful for that.

I'm now a multimedia and performing artist, and much of my work is proudly gay-themed. I know that the encouragement I received from an early age to be myself, no matter how different, helped me on my path.

I had to be extremely cautious at different points in my childhood and teenage years about my expressive nature, but I made it through. It didn't necessarily get easier or better, but I got bolder and more certain about who I am.

Which is, being most grateful to be born this way.

Mark

Mark, age 8

Houston, TX (1967)

I grew up with a conservative, though not religious, Texas family. When I was 7, my mother caught me with a neighbor boy in my pup tent in our backyard one afternoon. We were unclothed and in full glory.  Awkward!

Afterward, my mother asked me about it. I don’t recall my answer, but clearly understood that she was quite concerned.

My mother never told my dad about that incident.

As far as I was concerned, what I was doing was totally natural. But I realized that I had to hide my activities.

I experimented with a string of neighbor boys until I was 14.
At that point, I realized I might get caught by the wrong person.

I had no idea I was gay yet. In my environment there was simply no word for it.

I wasn't effeminate, but was always small for my age. Perhaps the only reason I was never beaten up was because I loved masculine energy.


I played Army, built forts, often played in the mud, went skinny-dipping with friends, was an avid Cub and Boy Scout, and even a US Marine.

On the outside I was the quintessential boy, and enjoyed regular boy activities. Yet inside, something was always missing. What was missing, was coming out and acknowledging I was gay.

When my blond, attractive girlfriend failed to "make the gay go away" when I was 23, I dropped the pretense (and her), and went to a gay bar. I discovered it quite by accident, and it was located only a few blocks from where I lived at the time. I was out with a vengeance and rapidly made up for lost time.

After a couple of failed attempts at relationship building, I found my man.
We've been together since 1988, and got married in California 20 years later.

I opened up to my creative self and I'm a published novelist now, too.
And I love our gay life together here in Chicago.

Mark's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lance Kerwin (in "James At 15")
We're the same age, and I devoured everything I could find with him in it.
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Parker

Parker, age 5

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma (1994)

Nothing was more exhilarating than whirling and twirling in my mother's dresses. Here, I am wearing my favorite of hers. It was lightweight, covered in beautiful roses, and just sheer enough to feed my need to walk on the wild side.

How my mother was surprised when my infatuation with boys came out in the open, I haven't the slightest idea.

I think a lot of people that have struggled with being different wish their family would have walked them through the awkward glances, and the general lack of comfort that comes with growing up that way.

Even so, I could never blame my family for being just as confused as I was, at the time.

I remember feeling a little fancier than other boys my age.

My concerns, were different from their concerns:


Why would my cousin let her dolls have such ratty hair?
If I couldn't have a purse, where was I supposed to put my things?
Why didn't the Pink and the Red Power Rangers ever get together?

I mean, they were both hot. It made sense.

My VHS copy of "The Wizard of Oz" played a key role in my youth. The concept of some small town, decently pretty kid, being swept off to a far away land - only to be truly wanted, occasionally envied, befriended by eccentrics, and come home at the end of the day having learned all of life's lessons - was the most perfect scenario I'd ever heard of.

Pop culture was my first addiction, though. Late at night, in music videos, I'd catch glimpses of myself in people who seemed unimaginably confident and beautiful. That's all I've ever wanted to be.

Since those days of twirling and brushing doll hair, I've found my beauty and comfort in creativity. I'm a stylist at the most rock 'n roll hair salon in Oklahoma. I'm also a musician, I'm an artist, I'm still fancy, and I'm still learning.

I'm learning that it does get better. Exceptionally better.

Parker's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Fred Savage (in "The Wonder Years")

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Jose

Jose, age 3
Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic (1980)

"I feel like nothing else in the world would change me, even if I was born again"

This is a section in an autobiographic novel I'm writing. I don't know when I'm going to finish it, but if my mother was alive, I imagine she'd tell me:
"What are you waiting for? People would die to have that kind of creativity."

My mother died of cancer when I was 6-years old, and the way I remember her is like the rocket to my dreams.

She was a free spirited woman; always buying me aquarelles, crayons, puzzles, and creative stuff for her little Jochy, her loving nickname for me.

Since I was little, I felt a passion for colors. And as If I already knew their meaning for the gay community - I loved rainbows.


On TV, I adored Jem & The Holograms, Care Bears, My Little Pony, Sailor Moon, and Japanese anime'. I loved dancing to Sade, Madonna, and Cyndi Lauper in the rain, even if catching a cold got me in trouble with mom.

I remember taking down the kitchen curtains to use as a little skirt, to dance like the beautiful ballerina swirling on my grandma's music box. The compartment in the back was like a magic box of images and enchantments filling the air.

I loved playing with my cousins' Barbies, brushing their hair, and making dresses for them. That might sound like a cliché now, but that was part of my creative universe. Then on weekends, me and my cousins would turn grandma's little backyard into a battlefield for our toys.

That was me, an imaginative child that would make the world his playground, like writing tales in the sky. Those childhood dreams became a man's desire to build a better place, a world that gave the best from the inside to outside. I realize now this all became a passion for architecture, which is my major in college now.

Ultimately, discovering myself and learning to love the true me, is a journey that keeps inspiring transcendence in my heart. Living a life that is a lie only serves to wake you, or it breaks you.

Being human and a passenger for this short voyage called life is all that matters. So enjoy the view and paint the sky with more magic rainbows.

Carpe diem! And give yourself a big hug!

Jose's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Christopher Atkins (in "Blue Lagoon")

Emilio

Emilio, age 8

Dominican Republic, (1998)

This is me geared up in my "Little Mermaid" pool accessories, ready for the summer. My obsession with mermaids began way earlier, when I was about 3-years old. My mom and I watched "Splash," and after that, I was obsessed.

 When Disney released "The Little Mermaid,"
I met my first love - the handsome Prince Eric. To this day, he is still the only man I've ever loved.

It took me years to figure out why I loved mermaids, but hated Ariel so much.

Well, it was because she stole my man! :)


But I didn't realize what those feelings meant, because I didn’t know I was attracted to him. I didn't know I was gay until a bit later, at around age 13.
That's when I finally understood my feelings, and what it meant to be gay.

I always heard about the 'evil homosexuals' from my family, but I never associated that with people who loved others of their same sex. I just thought they were bad people whom I was supposed to stay away from.

I was always the odd kid in the back, who never played sports and never fit in.
I was never teased about being a little feminine though (which I was), but I was teased for being the shortest in my class. Which meant I didn't have a lot of friends or to want to be around my classmates.

I always loved drawing, and you'd usually find me under a table somewhere, drawing mermaids. But over time, mermaid tails became landscapes, and landscapes became buildings.

Today I cant help but smile when I look at that picture, as it reminds me that I've always been myself, and never wanted to hide it from anyone. Now, I'm close to graduating from architecture school, and I have a lot of great friends. And those friends came along right after I figured out who I was.

I'm very happy, though some things never change: I still draw the occasional mermaid, and still think that b*tch Ariel stole my man!

Emilio's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Prince Eric ("The Little Mermaid")
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Paul

Paul, age 4

Grove City, Ohio (1984)

My childhood dream was to be Snow White. Although I couldn't whistle, I regaled everyone with my version of "Whistle While You Work," and raised some eyebrows waltzing through the house singing "Someday My Prince Will Come."

I also started channeling my creative energy into another outlet: drawing. My parents sought the mentoring of a local artist, who took me under her wing when I was 4, and she taught me that anything I imagined could come to life on canvas.

Soon, every wall in our house was covered with oil-painted tributes to my favorite heroines. I then decided that I didn’t want to be Snow White when I grew up. I wanted to be an artist.

I'm grateful I had a mentor who cared enough to fuel this creative flame, because the other flaming aspects of my personality presented problems at school.

Boys with high-pitched voices - whose approach to running laps in gym class could be described as "prancing" - didn’t fare well. I learned that in order to survive, I had to conceal those aspects of my personality that made me different.

I wasn't able to describe what I was covering up as "gay" yet, though. That realization didn’t fully hit me until right after college. Still, I knew there was something inside me that needed to be squelched, or it would ruin everything.

Fortunately, this is a fairy tale with a happy ending.

I found my way out of the dark, enchanted forest to a place of self-acceptance.
I even found my own handsome prince, and our life together is as close to "happily ever after" as I can imagine, this side of the Magic Kingdom

I've also continued pursuing my dream to be an artist. My paintings that explore my journey out of the closet are displayed in galleries across the country.

Art was my salvation during the most difficult parts of my childhood, and I encourage others who struggle with similar issues to find a way to creatively express themselves.

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Prince Charming ("Snow White")
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Mike

Mike, age 2
Jacksonville, Florida (1949)

"Honey, get your hands off your hips.
That's how I got started."

I was a pretty happy kid, and always very artistic. I got the colored chalk in 1st grade and would draw holiday pictures.

I won the Jacksonville baby contest a little while before this was shot, so I guess I made my debut back then - complete with a little gold cardboard crown (my first tiara).

I didn't even figure out I was gay until my 20's, but I always knew I was different. I hated sports, and I loved outer-space shows and cowboy shows on TV.

Today I'm a full-time painter of the Southwest, and my work is shown in the Booth Museum.

There's something about butch men in boots really does it for me. And maybe something about Indians tying them up, too.

I love this picture, now that I love myself as a gay adult.

To young gay kids: Those other kids giving you a hard time now will soon fade into your memory. Don't let them define you, and whatever you do - try not to live in anger. That hurts you more than it hurts them. And it means they won.

I've been very comfortably out for decades now and wouldn't have it any other way. The straight folks that really count in your life, really don't care.

Be proud and make a great example.
That's what will change peoples' minds about gay people.

Mike's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Tommy Kirk (in Disney's "Hardy Boys")
He turned out to be gay too. I guess I had Gaydar even back in the 50's...
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Jay

Jay, age 5
South Bend, IN (1954)

I was a very imaginative kid. I enjoyed role playing, but was not a born thespian. It was the single image/pose that captured a moment/attitude that I employed - as shown here. In this photo, I think I was channeling Rita Hayworth and other glamor girls I'd seen in magazines. At that age, no one in my family minded my "dress up" or "pretending".

But, in high school, attitudes toward my "ambivalence" had changed, and my parents made me join the swim-team, and play football. Having endured those episodes with great pain (mostly psychological), I decided to start dating girls to escape the family "sports requirement."

And that worked quite well, freeing me of parental pressure, and I viewed it as a path to "normalcy" and acceptance.

This, in spite of the fact that I'd been sexually attracted to men since I was 9. And I remember those moments in the swim-team showers to this day!

Many years - and many heartaches - later, I separated from my wife of 10 years and "came out". Fortunately, she was very understanding, and aside from a few years of nearly unendurable self-guilt, there was no exterior punishment. It was something I got past - and thank God for my art!

I often wonder how much more open and comfortable my life would have been without these experiences. But, I also feel that my life experiences made me the artist I am today. And, the whole person who had a 26-year gay relationship (ending in his death), and now a new, 5-year-and-counting wonderful gay relationship.

Self acceptance can be a long hard path. But the earlier you start down that path, the more pleasant and rewarding your journey is likely to be.

Chuck

Chuck Willman, age 5

Milwaukee, WI (1966)

This photo of me was meant to be a "gift" for my father, who was training in another city for a new job for much of that summer. I was pissed during this entire 'studio' session at some mall; the photographer trying everything to get me to behave.

My mother tells me I 'cried and carried on like a little girl' the entire time, embarrassing her to no end. This picture was the last one taken by the photographer after spending nearly an hour trying to get the perfect "little boy" shot for my father to have.

"Early signs of a sissy"

I knew I was gay as a young kid, maybe around age 7. That's when I began 'playing' with other boys, as in show-me-yours-I'll-show-you-mine-like games with little boys. I was fascinated and couldn't get enough. 

The feelings intensified as I got older, eventually developing into that horrible ache most of us felt as teenagers when what we wanted was right next to us, but so far out of reach. But I still 'played' with boys.


 
In fact, my first love was a 15 year old junior-varsity football star with whom I enjoyed a very sexual relationship. He was the first person - outside of family - who told me he loved me. And I was hopelessly in love with him.

My first crush was on Chad Everett, who I wrote a fan letter to and received a small photo of, which I treasured for a couple years. I also LOVED David Cassidy & Shirley Jones. I wrote a fan letter to them, and received a large photo back of the two of them. 

In the 80's I was a television make-up artist working primarily at CBS & NBC studios. One day I found myself working with Shirley Jones (long story), and I told her about my crush on her step-son. She was so gracious, and loved the story.

So that's ME. Little Chuckie, who turned out to be a great big fruit, but who doesn't regret it at all. I have this photograph on my desk at home where I write poetry and erotic stories. It makes me laugh. 

This picture has become my favorite photograph of myself because I see in my eyes a truth that no other photograph of me has ever captured. I was a prissy little boy who hated doing boy things, and I matured into a gay man who - eventually, and after some therapy - grew to love himself for being gay.

And when I feel lost sometimes, I look into the honest, innocent eyes of myself as a five year old pansy! 

Chuck's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Chad Everett (on "Medical Center") & David Cassidy

Eric

Eric, age 6

Berkeley, California (1960)

My name's Eric. I'm 6 here, and I knew I was different after this very episode! Oh how I LOVED that skirt! It swirled around and around like a dervish.

Did anybody have a clue, when the cops brought me back from my impromptu solo promenade along Shattuck Ave., the busiest street in Berkeley?

"Eric's gone!
Call the cops!"

There's something about a long silky scarf, petticoats and pearls - to make a pretty young thing like me feel BEAUTIFIL!

Old ladies always thought I was a girl anyway.

And this was an act of rebellion, of pure glamor.


I guess I wanted to get the feel for what it was like being a Princess. People noticed you. The scarf flowed nicely behind me as I sashayed away on a sparkly pink cloud. People honked.

"Hello? Police? Oh thank god! My little boy just took off...
I think he's dressed up like a, a...princess!"
 
"A what?"
 
"Yes, a princess. He's into the girly stuff right now. He's only five years old. Please, you've got to find him, he can't have gotten far! Look for the flowing pink and blue scarves, they're his favorite."

An all points bulletin went out:
"Five year old in drag - look for blond curls - blue eyes - pink scarf."

It didn't take long and I was escorted back home right up to the front door, arriving in the back seat like royalty, holding up my skirts as I stepped out.

"Hi Mom! Guess what?!"

Mom didn't punish me. Rather, she held me close like I was her precious cherub.
The cops smiled. I was fabulous!

"Here Eric, go paint what happened!"

Fantasy intact, Mom took a picture while I created the latest masterpiece.

Eric's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Paul McCartney, David Cassidy, & David Bowie 
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Jackie Beat

Jackie Beat (aka Kent), age 8
Scottsdale, Arizona (1971)

I remember my mom dressing me up in these fabulous late '60s/early '70s outfits that were really only appropriate for an adult appearing in a production of "The Boys In The Band." But I loved being fashionable! Especially as I got a little older and became a full-fledged teenager.

If I had to choose one movie that completely changed my life, it would have to be "Carrie," which came out in the summer of 1976 when I was (drum roll please...) a tender 13 years old. Okay, I'll wait while you do the math. Yes, that's right --
I am older than dirt, people.

Unless you've been living under a rock (or inside a bottle of Absolut), you must have heard about the recent rash of young people who have committed suicide due to severe "bullying." I hate that word. To me, that's like referring to rape as "severe flirting." These boys were tormented and tortured. Now, whether they were actually gay or not really doesn’t matter. The mere fact that they were perceived as gay, and therefore "less-than," does.

And if this can happen in 2011 - after "Will & Grace" and Ellen and Rosie and Elton and The Scissor Sisters and "RuPaul’s Drag Race" and Adam Lambert and Jane Lynch and Neil Patrick Harris and "Glee" and "Ugly Betty" and "Modern Family" - and all the mainstreaming of homosexuality? We're in big trouble.

But back to "Carrie" - It was a low-budget summer horror movie for teens, and it's an emotional rollercoaster that featured valleys of sadness and peaks of triumph. The movie is scary and touching and funny and sexy and campy and stunning. But ultimately, sad. If I had to summarize "Carrie" and why I love it so much, in just one sentence it would have to be -- "Don't pick on the freak."

You see, Carrie White has powers that no one knows about -- amazing powers that she has had to control and hide her entire life. Sound familiar? When she's pushed too far, she uses those powers to exact revenge on her tormenters.

It's strange, but high school is the only place where the most boring, middle-of-the-road, lowest common denominator idiots rule the kingdom. Five minutes after graduation, the real people - the so-called "freaks" - take over, while Ken & Barbie go to work in a bank or sell insurance and start having babies and do exactly what is expected of them, which is very little.

The "freaks" beautify the world, make people dance and, most importantly, make people laugh. I would rather die from a flesh-eating virus than attend one of my high school reunions.

Why the hell would I want to catch up with a bunch of boring people I never liked - who are on their third marriages and will probably try to sell me AmWay? They don't deserve me at their reunion. I wouldn't change places with the vapid prom queen or the brain-dead star quarterback for anything. Why the hell would you want to be Kate Gossellin when you can be Cate Blanchett? Screw ‘em all.

High school is like a box of rocks. It’s so easy to get through it when you’re just some plain brownish gray pebble lost among all the others. But imagine a BIG rock in there -- like ten times the size of all the others. Or an iridescent opal with its ethereal rainbow always twinkling. Or a diamond.

Of course those little pieces of gravel are going to try to chip away at that big rock in an attempt to make it as small and worthless as they are. Of course those plain, non-descript rocks are going to scratch at the opals and the diamonds and make them as dull and lackluster as they are.

Any parent or teacher who is not telling young people who are gay -- or bisexual or transgendered or "special" in any way -- to shine like the gems they are, has blood on their hands.

You are the adults – and you need to love your children more than some archaic book of outdated rules that was written thousands of years ago by a bunch of MEN -- not by God -- in an attempt to control the unwashed masses.

Religion is notoriously anti-Nature and being gay is Natural. And the inability to accept the fundamental biological reality of gay people is the ultimate ignorance and arrogance. AND, ironically enough, it is also the ultimate insult to "God!" Anytime you judge me, or any gay person -- or any one at all for that matter -- you are spitting in God's face.

Creative, sensitive, young people who are killing themselves is the saddest thing imaginable because of all that lost potential. It's a wasted life.

And you know what? So is the life that is lived following a set of arbitrary rules, sitting in judgment and making people feel less-than, as defective, or like they don’t have a future. All in the name of an invisible man in the sky.

Shame on you.

So to the "freaks" who are struggling right now, I say this:
Just hold on, because your day is coming.

High school is not real. These people will mean less than nothing to you before you know it. And if you're one of the tormenters -- or an authority figure who feigns ignorance and looks the other way -- may God have mercy on your soul.

I hope that at least one part of that aforementioned famous book of rules is real.
Because, in my opinion, there is a very special place in Hell for you.

Editor's note:
Watch Jackie Beat read this story live at our LA book launch HERE

Jackie's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Robert Conrad ("The Wild Wild West"),
Robert Reed ("The Brady Bunch") & Cat Stevens
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