Kevin

Kevin, age 3

Marlow, Oklahoma (1967)

This tea set was one of my cousin Suzanne's Christmas gifts. We're 7 months apart and we'd sometimes swap Christmas toys. One year we both got portable record players with companion story books. I got "Peter Rabbit" and Suzanne "Sleeping Beauty" and we traded. She always shared her Barbies with me, too.
It's one of the reasons I grew so close to Suzanne, as she never judged me about playing with "girl" toys. She's a grandmother now and we're still very close.

I learned from my family's reactions to my desire to play house (or dress up, or to have a Ken doll) that there was something odd in wanting these things. But I was totally ignorant of what it all meant. But in 4th grade, I asked my mother what the name I was being called on the playground meant. She told me that a "homo" was a man who lived with another man, like she lived with my father.

I could tell from the way she described it that she disapproved of "homos" too.
So I pretended to be disgusted by it. As I felt certain she was convinced that I was one too, I went upstairs and cried. There was a name for it, I knew it's what I was, and that I'd be hated for it. And I was horrified that everyone else could tell.

I felt I was the only one. I tried to butch it up, but wasn't very good at playing the lie. I was bullied remorselessly until I got older, and started making friends outside of high school and college. The bullying not only tortured me, it also did a number on my parents. It put them in a very difficult position of protecting me, while standing by and teaching me accepted social standards for male behavior.

That drove a wedge between us, even as they tried to comfort my regular crying fits of frustration and humiliation. I didn't feel they understood me, and I had no way to understand what they were going through either.

My father tells the story of how he went to work one day, and left his happy, gregarious, open, smiling son. And when he returned I was sullen, withdrawn and suspicious. My father thought that I was angry with him. We had a very hard time until after I was 26 and came out to them. He and my mother already knew, though she was deep in denial. But my dad already accepted me. He helped my mother through her problems with my sexuality, and continued to identify and grapple with his issues.

I wish that the social mores back then hadn't soured our relationship. But we're close now, we focus on the present, and my mother continues to come along. 

When I think about today's gay youth, I see some who still struggle with the difficulties that I, and so many others, had. But I also see so many young people who are defining the world with new eyes and fewer boundaries. They're evidence of the positive effect we've had on our world, by refusing to live in the shadows.

And they will go on to tell their stories, and those who struggle will become fewer and fewer. More people will realize that we are people, we are somewhere in every family, and we deserve to be treated fairly and with respect.

And soon accept that being gay isn't about what we do in bed, but who we love. 

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Superman (comic-book version)

But, I wanted to be Lois Lane
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Josh

Josh, age 2

Brooklyn, New York (1974)

Here I am holding a pretzel rod in one hand and, making jazz hands in the other. And look at the sparkle in those eyes.

I was always into the arts from as far back as I can remember (age 4 or so) and that continues to this day. I knew I was a gay kid around 7 or 8-years-old, but didn't know what "gay" was. I just had crushes on other boys and that was that.

As an adult, I love this picture. It accurately reflects the person I continue to be today. When people see this photo, they say 'You're just the same!' - and I like to think they're right. My friends have always all been cool with me being gay. Most of them are NYC born and bred artists, so being gay to them is just being human.

I don't think my father took too well to my tendencies, but I suppose it's like that for a lot of fathers of gay boys. It's a toughie. He could have done better, but I don't hold it against him. Unfortunately, I was still closeted when my Mom passed away, and still denying to her that my boy friend was actually my boyfriend. That kinda sucks upon reflection: being asked flat out and denying it. 

For gay kids, I say go find the other kids in your community that are gay.
There are more gay resources and role models now than ever, so don't be ashamed or afraid. Find support and be supportive. It gets better, as they say.

Josh's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Ricky Martin (in Menudo)

Jason Bateman (in "The Hogan Family")

Guess I had Gaydar on Ricky, eh? But neither of 'em interest me now.

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
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Keith

Keith, age 2

Detroit, Michigan (1964)

Believe it or not, I remember the moment, captured in this pic, when I saw "Him" - a dreamy, teenage, male friend of my mother's family. I didn't feel gay or "different" at this time, just in love. And, I'm so glad that I'm dressed quite handsomely in my tie, plaid vest, and penny loafers. To this day, I feel a rush when I look at this pic, which is why I love it so much.

So it's the mid to late 60's, but, unfortunately - I don't have any pictures of me wearing my Mary Poppins hat and trying to fly with my Mary Poppins umbrella. I suppose it was around 1965 that I did sense "different" when I'd hear my parents arguing about the clothes and toys my mother was buying me. 

Closely associated was my constant desire to fly either like Ms. Poppins or
The Flying Nun, which drove my father nuts. 

Then there was Penny Robinson (Angela Cartwright) of "Lost In Space."
I wanted to be her, especially when she was "dropping out" on the planet of teenagers and go-go dancing. Sipping TAB at my parents' bar, I'd be Ann-Marie (Marlo Thomas) of "That Girl" and, whenever I had to dust, I'd imagine I was one of the glamorous, wafting women in the Pledge furniture polish ads.

But the guy who really "wow"-ed me back then was <blush> William Shatner! On the original "Star Trek," when he was paired up with Michael Forest in the 'Who Mourns for Adonais?' episode - I was one happy, tingly, little shaver.

Then the 70's came, and things went dark. Going from happy, little shaver to the object of bullies' anger wasn't easy, but all of us go through bad times throughout our lives. I think the ability to fly away, if even just in my mind, helped me get through and into a better time and place.

Keith's first, famous-person same sex crush:

William Shatner ("Star Trek")
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Frank

Frank, age 5

Chicago, Illinois (1961)

My mother would always tell me that I was a smiling and laughing child. Everywhere she took me, people would remark 'What a wonderful laughing baby!' She tells me that I was always curious of the environment around me. And smiling opened doors for me. I remember this photo being taken by a professional photographer who made a house call. I remember having fun "posing". Pick any picture from my formative years, and you'll find me either posing and smiling.

"Move over Madonna - I'm striking a pose"

When I entered 1st grade, I would hold other male students' hands and pretended to be married to them. I was bullied as a child and endured beatings and humiliation. I am grateful that awareness of bullying has come to the forefront.

When the school bell rang at 3:00pm in the afternoon to go home, I would run out the door in order to avoid bullies. Some even waited for me in hallways. I was even suspended from school for ditching Physical Ed.

The principal and powers that be NEVER understood why I ditched school like that.

I was forbidden to play with dolls, but managed to sew outfits for my sister's Barbie. I would hide my creations in a bag and bury them. My bag of sewn creations would come out anytime my parents left the house.

And the man I am today? Born this way and damn proud!

Frank's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Robert Vaughn (in "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.")
Adam West (as "Batman")

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Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Minita

Minita, age 9

Bombay, India (1985)

I have no idea why my parents were surprised when I came out! I was always the tomboy. This picture is me around 9 years old, deeply tanned after a summer of swimming - and looking very much like a young boy.

I always knew I was gay, I just didn't have words to describe it. I just knew I liked girls. Though, growing up in India, you didn't say such things. Not aloud, anyway.

As a kid, I wanted to be Superman, never Supergirl.
I wanted to be just like Christopher Reeve.

My role model was Martina Navratilova. So imagine my surprise when I found out later that she's gay.

I was so scared someone would figure it out, and that my parents would throw me out. Or not being able to talk to my sisters, whom I adored. I waited till 24 to come out, and after the initial surprise, life settled back to normal.


My parents still love me, my sisters are still my best friends. Life is good.

Minita's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Jodie Foster

And I didn't even know she was gay. I found that out much later.

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Brent

Brent, age

Dallas, TX (1975)

My mom took this when I was dancing or performing on my bed, showing off a new shirt and a pair of Tough-Skin overalls. Note the notch of hair I cut out, perfecting my Buster Brown hairstyle while playing in front of mommie's make-up mirror.

I was very outgoing and had a deep voice as a child, so no one suspected much. But I loved to sing, dress up, and be the center of attention.

One of the earliest memories indicating I was gay is jumping on my bed with another boy my age, wearing nothing but pillowcases.

And deciding that the two of us were going to run away and be together forever. Alas, our attempt failed.

Growing up, I hated sports but I loved art, the theater, fashion, and hanging out with other guys.

By the time I was changing clothes in a junior high locker room, I knew I was different. I remember oogling over pictures of guys, first the underwear models in the JC Penny catalog, then guys on the cover of those appropriately-named Teen Beat and Tiger Beat magazines. And of course, the good old International Male catalog.

The fact that a 14-year old subscribed to the International Male catalog should have been a huge hint, but my sweet mom could have cared less. I was never really teased for being gay growing up, because 80's fashion allowed us to hide our sexuality - trying to be "fresh" or "new wave". And I had such a crush on Billy Idol, that I spray painted his name in four foot letters under a bridge once.

I knew I was different back then and really hoped I'd start liking girls, but it never happened. In high school, I secretly had crushes on a few guys and after a couple of encounters in college, it was getting harder to deny who I was to myself. Still, this was during the height of the AIDS epidemic, and most people's reactions to the word "gay" only pushed me further and further in the closet.

I came out in the 90's when I was 25, and my family was incredibly supportive and accepting. By my late 20's, I'd fully embraced who I was, kicked the closet door wide, and become a confident, independent and worldly gay man. I met my partner when I lived in New York, and we've been together almost 10 years.
I'm 40 now, and we are hoping to start a family of our own soon.

My advice to young people struggling with their sexuality is this:
Don't let others determine your self worth. They can only do that if you let them.

Brent's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Scott Baio

I totally wanted him to be my 'Chachi in Charge' and distinctly remember a picture of him in a muscle shirt, sporting feathered hair that made me swoon.

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Jill

Jill, age 5
Chicago, Illinois (1979)

I look back on this picture and think, 'Really, how could they not have known?!' My family was always very religious, and Easter was considered one of the most important Sundays of the year. So I'm surprised that my mother, who was always very concerned with appearances, let her 5-year old daughter wear a suit to Easter Sunday. I especially loved these pants. My grandmother had sewn the horse patch on my knee, as I'd ripped them one day while climbing a tree.

I was always a little tomboy from the very beginning - climbing trees and playing football with the little boys in the neighborhood. When I was 7, I begged my dad to install a basketball hoop in the driveway for me, which he did, while my sister played with her multiple Barbie dolls.

Back then, I had crushes on a few cute girls. I used to run around on the playground with the boys, but I'd chase the other girls. And I always told my sister from a very young age that I would never let some "yucky" boy kiss me when I got older.

By the time I came out, the general response from my friends was, 'I already know'. So people who really know you, they sometimes know you better than you know yourself. If I could go back in time and tell myself one thing, it would be that everything works out as it's meant to be.

And, that true friends love you for who you are.

Jill's first, famous person same sex crushes:
Kristy McNichol & Nancy McKeon (Jo on "Facts Of Life")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Scott

Scott, age 6

Durban, South Africa (1991)

There are defining moments in all our lives where we accurately depict a stereotype. This was my day to bloom. My sister obviously caught my attention with her new garb, and that shade of pink still seems to have that effect on me.

"Being fabulous, naturally"

If you look at all the expressiveness on my face, you can tell there is a sense of enlightenment there, a kind of insight that can only be explained by biology.

From that moment, I knew who I wanted to be, what I wanted to wear, and who I wanted to be surrounded by.

Looking back, seeing my gob-smacked hysterical outburst, it’s clear to me who made being me, as easy as it was.

So to my sister: Cheers to every silent creatress camouflaged in pink.
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Suzie

Suzie, age 2

Kalgoorlie, W. Australia (1993)

Even as a child, I always hated pink. I point blank refused to wear it. I could live with dresses, so long as they were not pink. It didn’t take mum long to realize that I liked blue much better. Because of my masculine face (so similar to my fathers), people were always saying 'what a pretty little boy he is!'. Still today, I get called Sir on a regular basis.

By the time I was age 8, I chopped off all my hair off refused to let it grow back. Although, I tried when I was 12 to let it grow a bit to try and fit in better. That lasted all of two years. My lack of hair is now the bane of my mother’s existence.

Growing up in a country mining town on the edge of the desert, the men were manly men, and the women were housewives. End of story. There was no room for a girl with short hair who refused to conform. When I started 1st grade, the kids at school would call me ‘Susan Gay’ instead of ‘Susan Day’.

I guess they knew before I did.

The library was my haven. Originally it was a place to escape the bullies and the summer heat, but as I grew older and realized that I wasn’t the same as the other girls in my class, I found a wealth of information, comfort and inclusion.
I read books like "Keeping You A Secret" by Julie Ann Peters, "Annie On My Mind" by Nancy Garden, and the amazing Rainbow Boys series and "The God Box" by Alex Sanchez, which helped me find peace between my faith and my sexuality.

All the while, I was bullied. I even tried dating a guy (one of my worst mistakes ever). It took me a long time to move on from those experiences. Eventually I attempted suicide, and thankfully, I survived.

To all young queer people out there, suicide is not the answer! I eventually got out, went to Europe and to university, got a chance to go to a gay bar, march in a parade, meet girls, and do everything I never could when I was growing up.

Just hang in there, because it WILL get better!
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Trevor

Trevor, age 4

Adrian, MI (1992)

Here I am, giving someone the "bitch please" look at a park. Yes, it was me giving attitude far too early. I'm surprised I didn't snap my fingers. I always knew I was different. Always. Even when I was trying to fit in with the cool kids, I would never rightfully fit in everywhere. And, I mainly felt pretty lonely.

But I guess I wasn't a very gay child, as I liked playing sports - just not being forced to. My dad wasn't around very much, and when he was, he would just pressure me to be more of the boy he wanted.

I enjoyed my action figures, pop music, and every video game I could find. Plus Dinosaurs, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers - you name it. I even had my favorite Tonka trucks. Yet, I wasn't like the other kids in a lot of ways.

The age it really hit me was was at 11, at a birthday party for two classmates. I had no idea I really liked one of the boys, but he didn't talk to me the entire party.

Afterward in the car with my family on the way home, I started crying uncontrollably. I didn't even know why, other than being sad that he didn't even say "hi" to me. Thinking about it now, it's so stupid - but it makes complete sense.

I told my family to leave me alone and that I felt like I wanted to kill myself... ugh... mistake. My gay alarm should have gone off. Still, I ignored it until about 17 where I admitted to myself that 'maybe I was bi' since I knew I anatomically liked men from watching straight porn. I thought that, ya know, maybe just maybe, one day I would develop feelings for a girl.

It took me until 20 to really accept that yes, I was gay - and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My family had always been bigots, and when I finally came out and told them a boy had taken my heart, it was not accepted. The snide comments started right away and the 'you're not my son' ignoring began. I didn't even talk to my parents for months, other than, 'Hey! How's it going?

As for my friends, most of them were like, 'Really!? COOL!'. I got just a high five from one, a 'Good to know,' and of course the, 'I always suspected' I remember being told in high school that if I were gay, I'd be the perfect shopping buddy.
Yup. Still didn't like shopping.

At least now we can talk about our crush on Ryan Reynolds. On the other hand, I did lose three guy friends. And a best friend since Middle School deleted me on Facebook (and in person), because his mom was convinced I would 'give him the gay'. I still see him around and I know he misses what we had, but he's a grown man who still can't make his own decisions.

My advice to the upcoming generation: Stick to your guns.

For the sake of your own well-being, don't let someone tell you who to be. Whichever veil you put around yourself to be safe, know that inside that shell you must grow, and eventually you will be outside of it exploring the world without it.

As a creative thinker I jumped outside the box completely. It's not for everyone, but if you're tough, then take the world on. The path is tumultuous, and you're going to want to give up - but listen to that thing that says, "I will be happy" and you will get there. Love life, and love what you live.