Dimitri

Dimitri, age 4
Tacoma, WA (1971)

From the earliest I can remember, I thought boys made more sense than girls. At this age, I remember running onto the lap of my favorite babysitter. He was a teen-aged boy, and he and his sisters watched us all the time. And, I kissed him.

He said, 'Dimitri, boys don’t kiss other boys.'
And I thought, 'Well, that’s dumb.'

“Ready for my close up!”

I was more even aware of my difference and my attraction to boys by 10 years old, and had my first boyfriend at 13. I remember sneaking out of the window and going to his house late at night after everyone was asleep!

He was from Mexico and spoke very little English, but we managed just fine.  :)

I always loved pretty things. I wanted to be creative in school and work with art. I would re-decorate my bedroom almost weekly, moving things around and changing the colors of the room depending on my blankets.


As I became a teenager, I was very much into the punk & new wave scene of the 80’s. I loved Boy George and Cyndi Lauper and often shaved the side of my head into diamonds and dyed the rest black. I still miss being able to play with my appearance like that!

As I look back on this picture, I thank God every day that I was raised by my mother who supported me, normalized my differences for me, and prepared me for the world that is STILL not ready for me. I came out at 12, went through my youth and puberty as a gay teen, and grew to manhood surrounded by the large gay community in Seattle.

Dimitri's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Sean Cassidy

He was my first love. I had a t-shirt with his face on it and wore it proudly through most of the 4th grade!
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Scott

Scott, age 5
Oldsmar, Florida (1964)

I grew up in Oldsmar, Florida where this pic was taken. As you can see, I was always a "show-off" and liked attention.

Unfortunately, I got teased and hassled through high school. Certainly not the type of attention I wanted, but I persisted and I survived.

I first started realizing I was different around 3rd grade, but did not formally "come-out" until my early 20’s.

Now, as I look at the picture, I understand why my mother told me she already knew, when I finally told her. I also realized that I had some fun growing up, despite the teasing.



I'm 51 now, and relatively successful, and my life is good.

So, my advice to those being teased, hazed, and hassled:
Hang in there, because all that negativity will end soon enough.

You will grow up, look back at the fun times with a smile, and look at the hard times with a feeling of pride and accomplishment - for those were the tests of your resolve to succeed.
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Miguel

Miguel Cane, age 1

Mexico City (1975)

This photo was taken at my first birthday party. If you look, you'll notice that even then, there is a certain "sadness" to me. This is what my friends often refer to as my 'Liv Ullmann face' - even that young.

"Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up"

This, of course, does not mean that I was always a sad child -- but most gay children grow up wounded one way or another, at least those of my generation and country did. But it's a fact that there are no pictures of me smiling.

However, I love this picture. Not only because it reveals the essence of who I am (these bouts of hope and simultaneous sorrow, the look in my eyes), but also because of the lovely clothes. I mean, what's not to love there? The frills, the flowers, the lovingly handmade suit. At least I was smartly dressed even then.


I probably had a notion of my being different, even at that age. My mother says she could tell from the moment I was able to walk. She says I was not girlish, but rather neutral and measured.

I know I was pretty well aware of the attraction to males when I was 5 and started to go to the movies alot. I was bowled over by what I saw on the screen, such as Cary Grant or Warren Beatty, especially in Splendor In The Grass, which was so revealing to me later on.

I was a film buff even as a little boy. I fell in love with the apartment sets in Rosemary's Baby, I cried my eyes out at the end of Breakfast At Tiffany's, wanted to be a Von Trapp kid, and adored the Pompeii Club where Shirl The Girl winds up in Sweet Charity. My grandfather fed me movies and gave me enormous support. He loved me just the way I was, and I like to think he knew exactly who I was when he died when I was 7.

Everybody else could tell, much to the frustration and chagrin of my father. We had an antagonistic relationship for many years, until I politely but firmly told him off, leading to a dètente between us. My Mom was often caught in the middle of the drill. She never took sides, but she was supportive.

I'm now in my mid 30's, I moved to Spain, and my mom and I get along fine. And oh yeah - I eventually became a Film Critic & Historian, to boot.

I live alone, and I don't mind. All my life I've looked for courageous, resourceful, warm, & funny men. Some that I've loved weren't that, but I have no regrets, and I don't see it as a waste. There's plenty of ways to have love in your life, and plenty more to give the love you have in yourself to others. You may not live happily ever after - there are no guarantees for that - but bear this in mind:

You can live hopefully ever after.

Miguel's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Cary Grant (in "Notorious")
The moment he kisses Ingrid Bergman and she ever-so-slightly rubs his earlobe, I felt dizzy and my knees gave way. Everything was illuminated for me

Steve

Steve, age 11

Mt. Vernon, Illinois (1979)

As a chubby gay kid growing up in the midwest, I learned how to perform - mostly because I couldn't run fast. In this picture I'm proudly displaying a cheerleading pose I'd recently learned at practice. Yes, I was a cheerleader for our grade school boys and girls basketball team.

"Ready? OK!  Roll call, sha-boom. Check, check sha-boom."

Not only was I a cheerleader, I was also the Captain of the squad - which was more of a popularity issue and less of a 'Can you do the splits?' issue. I couldn't do the splits, but I was freaking funny, and apparently that was enough.

I first knew I was attracted to men one summer at We Wo Se Je, a Christian based bible camp in the middle of the woods. I spent a whole week in a cabin with 8 other pre-teen boys and one very hunky counselor, who was all of 15 at the time. I remember faking like I was sick one night so I could sleep on the bottom bunk with him. Although all we did was sleep, it was shear heaven for me. Thank God for bible camp!

Sure, I was subjected to the usual barrage of name calling and such. However, I was lucky enough to grow up in a home where I was encouraged to be myself.
A rare treasure in the economically depressed hills of Southern Illinois.

Without the love of my mother, I would have never made it through this initial step of going against the norm. She went on to make it possible for me to bear the burden of starring in school plays, speech and acting team tournaments, dying my hair purple. And, wearing vintage pajamas adorned with costume jewelry to high school. 

When I look back on this picture now, I realize I was just on the precipice of the path to true self discovery. I'm still on that path, and it's taken many directions in the years that have passed. However, I keep embracing each day and strive to make it better than the day before.

Because, it does get better and it starts with yourself.

Steve's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Tom Wopat & John Schneider ("The Dukes of Hazzard")
Love me some "Duke Boys"!
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James

James, age 11

Marlboro, NJ (1976)

This pic was shot on the deck of a Tall Ship that was one of many anchored in NY Harbor for the Bi-Centennial. I decided on a fuchsia, wide-open Polo shirt and coordinating plaid pant to befit the occasion, which also appears to be my first gay cruise, as evidenced by some of my "shipmates". My charming sister Eileen (to the left) appears oblivious.

"All aboard the SS SWISH!"

I think the first manifestation of my "differentness" had to be around age 7.
My parents were shopping for a new house, and they'd brought the realty brochures for my perusal, upon my insistence. Within an hour of having them, I'd copied the more desirable floor plans on graph paper, and began a series of renovations to improve their "feng-shui" and decorating desirability. 'Why can't they just put this doorway where it BELONGS?'

Mother would stare, smile, and eventually agree. Our 5 bedroom bi-level shone with 70's magnificence, due in no small part to my input.

I look back at the MANY photos I could have chosen to submit, and while they all strike a knowing and warm nostalgia now, I did fight "it" for a long time. When I finally got the job done and came out at 27, the weight that was lifted brought us all together into a very loving, involved, and somewhat maddening family unit - that I wouldn't change for the world.

Like any kid coming of age in the 70's, the Friday night TV blockbuster of The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family was a HUGE influence on my dress, style, and - now that i think of it - my love of interiors. Yup, I was the weird kid who looked at the ACCESSORIES on the set of The Partridge Family. They had a porcelain CHEETAH that I coveted.

Even daytime TV in that era was so fantastically gay, it's no wonder I was GLUED to Match Game, Mike Douglas, and The Dinah Shore Show. I even coveted Mike's Eero Saarinen table and interview chairs!!!! Hello!!!

But it wasn't til I saw "CHiPS" that my "maturity" manifested itself in a much different way. Seeing Ponch and Jon assisting those white-toothed California families and hot-pantsed Pinto drivers-in-distress sure struck a chord.
I wanted them. Badly.

From prior submissions here, I can see I'm clearly NOT the only gay boy deeply affected by this groundbreaking TV program...

James' first, famous-person same sex crush:

Erik Estrada & Larry Wilcox ("CHiPs")
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Kelly

Kelly, age 13

Twin Falls, ID (1979)

This is a pic of me and my dog Penny on Christmas morning. Though I tried not to act like a "sissy" as a matter of self preservation, my true nature always seemed to present itself in candid photos, including this one.

I knew I was gay in 2nd grade. I'd fallen in love with the male lead in a movie shown at school during an assembly. Later, I asked my mom if 'two men could love and marry each other.' After determining I wasn't asking because I'd been molested, she told me 'No, but they could be very good friends'.

Then I replied, 'Well, I'm going to marry a man' - and I stomped away to my room.

I like this photo now, but it took awhile. The curly hair was the result of a home perm I had begged for in an effort to look like Mike Brady (the dad on "The Brady Bunch").

I eventually made peace with the fact that I was always a 'girly boy', much to my father's dismay. The signs were there: I played with my sister's Barbies, cut my jean shorts way too short, and chose to help my mom in the kitchen over working with my father on the car. 

I feel protective and sorry for the younger me in the photo. Because we all have a right to be who we intrinsically are - instead of what society or our parents believe we should be.

Kelly's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Lee Majors, Gil Gerard, & Lyle Wagoner 

They were all my MAJOR crushes growing up
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Jared

Jared, age 4

Jalisco, Mexico (1993)

When I was a little boy, my aunts thought that I was as beautiful as a girl, so they found it funny to dress me as one. They let my hair grow and grow until it looked like a girl’s. Then, they started taking me out wearing dresses, and telling people I was Jared, their beautiful niece.


I don’t remember when they started this ritual - that I now call 'my gayest era' - but I remember the day they stopped doing it.

We were lined up buying some tortillas, and the other ladies told my aunts how gorgeous they found me: 'She is so pretty! She must be a star from TV! One day, she'll be a Beauty Queen! I want her to marry my son someday!'

Well, I had to pee - so I found the nearest tree, took out my penis, and peed. And I think my aunts have never been more embarrassed.


Maybe my aunts feel guilty now for me being gay, or maybe they think I'm gay because they used to dress me as a girl. The truth, is that I was already gay - it didn't matter what clothes they put on me. Now I wear mens clothes and don’t really fit any gay stereotype.

I think being gay, straight, or bi isn't really important. We shouldn’t care about it, because we're all made of water, and I am pretty sure that water doesn’t care if the body it's living in is in love with or having sex with a male or a female, because each one is also made of the same water.

I agree we're all different, but being different sometimes makes us the same. I think that we are all raindrops, falling down in some chaos. But the day we finally lie on the earth together, we will merge into a big, beautiful human puddle: The Water of Peace.

Jared's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Justin Whalin (in "Chucky/Child's Play III")
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David

David, age 5

Enfield, CT (1981

This pic was taken in the summer of 1981 at a motocross track. The little girl is my cousin Nicole who, incidentally, would be the first person I would tell about being gay, when I was 14. While my male cousins & brothers watched my dad and uncles race around on dirt-bikes, Nicole and I stayed behind to work on our posing. We'd practice dances made up to Madonna and Debbie Gibson singles with our other cousins, Heather and Jenni.

"Strike A Pose"

I always knew something was "different" about me. One of my earliest memories is wearing red rain boots, in my back yard, twirling around as fast as I could. Why? I was hoping I'd turn in to Wonder Woman.

The first time I recognized a boy crush was watching "Little House On The Prairie" with my mom. I longed for Albert (the adopted son) to be my friend, and share a bed with me as he did with the boys on the show.

I also practiced kissing him on my pillows, as friends do.  

Looking back on this photo now only fills me with joy! I was lucky enough to have a family who loved and supported me from day one, always indulging my "stereotypically-gay" leanings. Growing up in a working class town in the early 90's wasn't so easy for a flamboyant Madonna-Wannabe. Especially for a boy.

My parents, though, dutifully drove me to dance lessons and theater rehearsals, just as they took my 2 younger brothers to their football and baseball practices. Who else can say their father waited in line at Barnes & Noble to buy Madonna's "SEX" book for their already-out-of-the-closet, 15-year old, gay son?!?!

I'm in LA now, working in the entertainment industry. I can say with 100% certainty that if it wasn't for my family and particularly my mom and dad,
I wouldn't be here today. Without that safe haven of home and the enthusiasm my parents brought to the table, there's no telling where I might have ended up.

So along with my message to gay kids, I want to emphasize: I hope parents of young children who are struggling with their sexuality read this, and realize the support & unconditional love you give your child means EVERYTHING to them. And effects how their life can turn out.

David's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Matthew Laborteaux ("Little House On The Prairie")
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Derek

Derek, age 2

Paterson, New Jersey (1986)

Here I am, clad in rainbows and airplanes as a happy-go-lucky toddler.
No wonder I turned out so gay and proud! Granted, I don't remember much at such a young age.

We were an upper-middle class family, and I had a big back yard with a play house and woods behind it. I remember wanting to play "house" and dress up my stuffed animals and dolls.

Emily, my next door neighbor, was a best friend at the time, and we would run around naked and just had the best time together.

My first memory of a same-sex crush was at age 5. Disney's "Shipwrecked" movie premiered, featuring a young, blond-haired, blue-eyed Scandinavian boy on a ship with pirates.


He was about 12 years old - the perfect age for a flowering 5-year-old boy with a crush, right? I idolized this boy in the movie to the point of nausea.

I asked my mother if it was OK to like a boy, and she responded - 'Honey, I had female role models growing up. You can like whomever you want.' Granted, this wasn't exactly a 'Go-ahead, be a big homo' response, but it nonetheless validated my feelings towards other boys.

Another validating and affirming motherly moment was when I was 12. "Saved By The Bell" was huge, and I had the BIGGEST crush on Zack Morris. So much so, that my mother even took me to the grocery store to help me find teeny-bopper magazines - which were 100% marketed towards girls. But I had to have the full, pull-out pin-up posters of my studly suave crush!

I'd then hang them in my room, sometimes questioned by male peers of mine. To which I would respond, 'I think he's really cool' - and I thought it was all totally normal, because my mother had normalized those feelings for me.

So to all the young, unsure-of-themselves, LGBT populations out there:

Everything Gets Better!

There are people like you, living, breathing, and crushing on the same same-sex stars as you, and it is OK! Do not let anyone tear you down or bully you. You are beautiful, and that beauty will shine so bright someday, that those bullies will want to BE YOU.

Push past all the negativity in schools and keep shining like the brightest star you know you are!

PS - This pic is courtesy of my mother in rural California, who took the time to remove the original frame at her house, bring it to work to scan it, and email it to me. All of this, after having seen your website and really loving it! So thanks for having this available!

Derek's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Stian Smestad (Haakon in "Shipwrecked")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Ronnie

Ronnie, age 6
Odessa, TX (1961)

"Wide-eyed innocence"

I'm Ronnie, and this is my first grade school picture, taken in Odessa Texas, 1960/61.

All in all, I pretty much had a "Leave It To Beaver" kind of happy childhood.

But, it was probably around age 12 that I began to realize that I was "different" - when I was allowed to go to the local public swimming pool on my own.

Ronnie's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Dan Blocker & Pernell Roberts (on "Bonanza")