Chacha

Chacha, age 7

Houston, Texas (1983)

My family recently acquired a stash of old photos, and I found this gem. As you can see, I'm a tough cowboy at the cotton candy stand. I got this cowboy hat at a rodeo at the Astrodome in Houston. I might have had to call myself a cowgirl, but really - I was a cowboy. I was very impressed with anyone who could ride a mechanical bull and often worried about whether or not I could hang on

"Cowboy at the cotton candy stand."

I really liked Lady Diana, practicing being a Solid Gold dancer, and enjoyed the science on the "3-2-1 Contact" TV show.

My first real crush was on Olivia Newton-John, mainly as depicted on her Physical album cover.
I knew it was wrong, but I had to look. I recognized this wasn't normal, and decided I ought to keep it to myself.

I then later fell in love with Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran, because he wore so much makeup.

I was really surprised, actually, to see this picture of me being so tough as a kid.
I tend to fluctuate between being feminine and being tough. The tough part wasn't captured as much on film. So it was a real treat to get to see myself acting, well, like myself, at an early age.

Chacha's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Olivia Newton-John

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Jeremy

Jeremy, age 6

Harrisonburg, VA (1977)

I was a helplessly creative kid. My mother remembers before I could even speak I was humming TV themes. From "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" to "That Girl"
I could out hum any toddler in the mid-Atlantic! I loved to sing, play pretend, and emulate my childhood hero - Wonder Woman! No other boy I knew could do the Diana Prince twirl like me - but then again, I don't recall many trying.

"Make your own kind of music, sing your own special song..."

Most of you are probably uttering a collective 'Well, duh!' right now. But as a child I didn't know I was gay. I just knew that in some way, I was special.

My parents didn't restrict my expression in any way. I owned a Barbie doll, played with Ken, and inherently - but indescribably - I knew I preferred to date Ken.

The once nonjudgmental and free social realm of preschool, changed for me in kindergarten.

The room had two plays areas - one for girls, one for boys. The girls' side had all the fun stuff like Raggedy Ann, baby dolls, and tea sets. While the boys' side had the less than thrilling array of dump trucks, airplanes and Lincoln Logs.

I remember walking directly to the girls side to pick up Raggedy Ann. One of the girls reprimanded me and said 'You go to that side. That's where the boys play!'
I remember my little heart sinking in a way that I couldn't describe for many many years. Needless to say, at least publicly, I followed suit. Privately, I was caught up in Wonder Woman, Marlo Thomas, Helen Reddy, & Barbra Streisand.

My real life male crushes continued through childhood and early adulthood. Being completely in the closet, I relegated these romances as creative short-stories written in my notebook. And kept far from the eyes of my sisters and family. All I knew back then was that I was alone. I knew I wasn't a "freak" but didn't know how to explain it. And if anyone ever discovered my secret, I would somehow die.

Being a teen in the mid-80's was not fun for me. Kids would joke that gays "had AIDS" and were going to hell. If I were to come out, would I have AIDS too?  Would I die? I didn't necessarily believe in Hell, but it sounded pretty scary too.
I know this sounds irrational now, but in my quiet secret world these seemed like real and terrifying realities. Also, my family had fractured back then when my father came out of the closet. Suddenly we seemed like a family of talk-show guests full of anger and pain.

I came out of the closet in my early 20's soon after graduating college. It seemed then my other friends, who'd been on the same journey with me the whole time, were coming out as well. It was like we'd all been through the same periods of fear and denial, but didn't have the voice to help each other until we grew up.

When I came out to my mother, she said, 'Well, I've known since you were a child. I just wanted you to feel comfortable telling me yourself' - and it was like the weight on my shoulders sprouted in to wings! I knew I would never have to go back to hiding. 

Now at 40 and in a 13-year relationship with a wonderful man, I look at this pic and think of Mama Cass' song, "Make Your Own Kind Of Music". It's a humbling reminder I did exactly that back then, 'Even if nobody else sings along'.

To the generation of young GLBT kids today:

I suggest they always follow that advice. To parents today, I ask you to allow your kids to make the best music you've ever heard in your life!

Jeremy's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Rick Springfield (on "General Hospital")

Robert Reed ("The Brady Bunch")

Plus Ricky Schroeder, Tom Selleck, and the ever-untouchable David Hasselhoff.

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Jan

Jan, age 8

Edmond, Oklahoma (1978)

That’s me on the left, and don’t I look excited?! My sister is sitting next to me with her usual big smile. I had the girliest sister in the entire universe. The pic now makes me laugh. And If I actually thought I was ever fooling anybody about being straight, the gay clearly shines through here in the pic.


I think I knew that I was "different" around age 4.

How can you not know when your closest sibling is the princess of the world?

She always wanted me to play with dolls or have tea parties, or some prissy thing.

Which got on my nerves. Why do that crap when you can play with GI Joe or the Millennium Falcon?


While she was busy spinning around like Wonder Woman and jumping on the furniture like the Bionic Woman, I was playing Han Solo frozen in carbonite,
or single-handedly battling Sasquatch in our playroom

I grew up with my fair share of bullies, but I was lucky because I was funny and could run fast. I was also a really good skater. The first time I saw Kristy McNichol, my life changed. I had a real purpose. I just knew one day I would roller skate up to her in my satin jacket and offer her a piggy back. Naturally she would jump on and off we’d roll into the sunset - obviously with a rainbow visible in the background.

The first person I told about being a lesbian was my sister. She could not have cared less, and said she would always love me no matter what. And she has, and she is still the girliest girl I know.

I grew up in a relatively small town, and it was really difficult and sad at times. But I look back now and see how it got easier and easier each year for me to stop pretending. I accepted who I was, and ultimately became truly happy in my own skin. I have no doubt that it will be the same for you, too.

Jan's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Kristy McNichol

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Richard

Richard, age 7

Buena Vista, GA (1996)

This photo was during Christmastime at my step-grandmother's house. I'd asked for clothes, a pirate ship, and a few other toys. I had a vivid imagination, I loved to learn (at times), and to draw (I won first prize many times in art contests), and to escape from reality with my childhood toys.

Growing up in Georgia, my lack of masculine interests were more subtle. I hated hunting, and I would not touch fish or worms when fishing.

I didn't realize I was categorized as gay/feminine until my family and friends began to point it out.

In our culture, gay and feminine are tied together a lot. And around age 11, I began to realize that some of my traits were not desired, or to be seen or heard.

My grandfather, Peapaw, wanted me to play sports, which I didn't care for at all.

My step-mother once told me I looked like a sissy when I had a travel bag over my shoulder or my hands on my hips (like in the photo). I also enjoyed playing mommy or house with my sister and her friends. But the ridicule made me afraid to do things like this. I also didn't have the most masculine behavior or voice.

The older I got, the more afraid I got of being myself. I tried the track team,
I tried hanging with guys, and I attempted to spend more time with my father on his construction jobs. The guys I tried to befriend made me nervous, and I realized I was kind of attracted to some of them.

Coming out was stressful and depressing. There were times where I really wanted to go into the woods and kill myself. I knew I was gay at 11, and my father found out through church members and small town gossip. The pastor at my church asked me to leave and to not come back unless I wanted to change. I did not, and haven't been back to a church since.

During Junior prom, I confirmed it with everyone by dancing with my first boyfriend. High school and family life was rough, but I had a group of supportive school friends who were always there for me. I did get bullied though, as I was the only openly gay guy at school. I'm thankful that my gay uncle and his partner helped me during this time, because he suffered similar things with my family and had left. I am so thankful for that, as it encouraged me a lot!

Today at 21 and being out for 5 years, I've realized that I am who I am! My whole family knows, but most are not okay with me being gay. This is the reason I moved from my hometown to a more accepting city. I have a deep country accent, and no longer a girly voice. I'm a very emotional person and a very caring person, and I want children and a husband one day.

But does the fact of my sexuality matter!? No, I am ME!
Categorize me as gay, masculine, or not - and I WAS born this way!

Richard's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Aaron Carter, Lance Bass, Zac Efron

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Juston

Juston, age 5

Pontiac, MI (1983)

This was one of my favorite chairs in our house because of the hideous brown floral design. I was the first grandchild born into a large family of 7. My mother, aunts and uncles were all in their late teens and early 20's when I was born. We lived with my grandmother at this time, and she doted on me in the best of ways. Bowl haircuts were the rage, and I wanted one of my own. Because of my longer blond hair, I was often mistaken for a girl. 

My Aunt Biggie always says that when I was 3, she knew I was gay. Her proof of my gayness was that I was the smartest kid she knew, I was always polite and sensitive, and loved to sing. My first song was "Puff The Magic Dragon." She says I loved to sit and listen to Elton John records in the basement.

My aunt Michelle and I had marathon movie sessions with tubs of popcorn and movies like "The Wizard of Oz" and "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory."

I remember at this age being obsessed with Carebears, Rainbow Brite and Barbies. My obsession even got me into trouble when I ordered a Rainbow Brite jazzercise record off TV. It arrived COD (cash on delivery) and my mother almost killed me that day. I spent the rest of the day dancing in my room to my new record on my FisherPrice record player.

I also loved playing with all my girl friends and enjoyed making their Barbies have intricate sexual relationships. But I enjoyed riding bikes and playing baseball, too, so I wasn't always girly. I remember this time of my life as very carefree, and never worried about what I did or how anyone felt about it.

My first real crush at age 10 was during the 1988 Olympics. I spent the summer watching Greg Louganis diving on TV. My mom kept trying to get me to go outside, and kept asking why I suddenly wanted to watch sports. If she would have just sat down and seen Greg in those Speedos, she would have understood.

Until I was 15, I often questioned my sexuality, and began to realize I really enjoyed men much more. My "Aha!" moment came in 10th grade while watching Beauty & The Beach during MTV's Spring Break in Florida. As the men and women pranced down a runway, I looked at the girls and then the boys - and I thought in my head: 'That's it - I'm gay'.

From that day forward I never struggled with the idea again. I knew who I was and was ready for the world to deal with it. I came out in High School during Junior year and was pretty much accepted by everyone. I thankfully had some really fabulous friends who not only accepted me but helped me celebrate myself.

I look back at this picture and think" 'God, I was so gay. Look at that hand'...
But I also think how happy and oblivious I was. I never thought I was different.

Now I'm 32, a nurse, and I live with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. I still have many of those fabulous friends, and I live a very happy life. It wasn't always easy when I was younger and coming out, but it was all worth it.

Thank the goddess for making me gay!

Juston's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Greg Louganis (Olympic diver)
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Ryan & Kevin

Ryan & Kevin, age 5

Mansfield, Texas (1996)

I'm Ryan (on the left), and this was just a normal day, playing with my - also gay - twin brother Kevin. We'd get in our baby blankets and pretend we were Cinderella and Snow White and have a blast putting on little shows for everyone. I remember singing along to cast recordings of "Annie" and "Wizard of Oz" all the time. We both loved to sing, act and dance, and still do.

I never thought I was that different than other little kids my age. But I didn’t exactly like to do boy stuff like go camping or be outside. I mainly liked doing the girl stuff. I remember we had a neighbor we played with, and she had a lot of Barbies. Kevin and I would play with them whenever we liked.

When we were 6, my mom asked us what we wanted for Christmas, and we proudly replied, 'We want Fairy Barbies.'  That must have been a big surprise for our parents, but that very Christmas we got our very own Barbies! It was one of my favorite Christmases of all time. 

Kevin and I weren't that popular during elementary school. It was very unhappy times for us, and I remember being made fun of for being gay when I was like 9. I didn't even know what the word meant! I thought it meant happy, so in a way it was a compliment. But I knew the way kids said it, that it was no compliment. I didn't know why people were picking on me, just that I felt a little unwanted. 

I remember in junior high phys. ed class that the guys talked about which girls were hot. I knew when a girl was more attractive, but I also knew which guy was more attractive. I felt like the only boy looking at the other boys in that class. I thought that every guy would notice when a hot guy would walk by.

It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I came out, first to my three best girl friends. They took it well, so I came out to the rest of the school. Everyone took it well, and most kids already knew. This got me picked on a little, but by then I knew how to fight for myself. There was one guy who picked on me in the halls, but his bullying was more psychological than physical.

Coming out to my parents wasn't a great situation. A kid from school told his parents that I came out, and he had a problem with it. They then called my parents - who I had not told yet. At that point, Kevin and I both came out to our mom, and she was great. I think she already knew (we'd asked for Barbies for heaven’s sake!), but my dad took longer getting used to it.

But now, he accepts both of us. And I thank my friends who helped my through that time. They were wonderful! 
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