March 12, 2011

Kevin

Kevin, age 4
Akron, Ohio (1959)

Here, my older sisters dressed me up in their clothes, put me up front, and my dad took this picture. Looking back, a couple of things strike me about it. First, sisters are probably always wanting to dress up something or someone, like dolls or brothers, but most 3-year-old boys wouldn't allow it. Second, I struck a pose that gives it all away. I'm thankful my dad found the camera and actually took the picture, without protesting or objecting.

And notice my sisters weren't dressed nearly as pretty as I was!


I first knew I was "different" at 3-years old. I have a vivid memory of being in the back of my dad's '55 Buick station wagon, and seeing a really old man sitting on the ground in front of a building in downtown Akron, Ohio.

For some reason, I knew he had something I lacked, and I wanted it from him before he died. Turns out, that something I was missing was heterosexuality. That's a big word for a small kid, and I'm not saying that I knew exactly what was going on at that moment. But I do know that I felt different than my dad, brothers, or other men in general.

It was a sad moment for me, but it was the beginning of my knowing and understanding myself. I always knew down deep that I was different or gay, but I finally came out to myself and others at age 25.

And now, my life is good. I have a partner of 7 years, and 2 sons I adopted as infants, who are now 12 and 10 years old. I am out at work and everywhere I go. I don't believe in the closet - it's too stressful.

If others don't like me because I am gay, that's their problem. I already went through the self-acceptance process long ago -- starting with this picture of me in a dress!!!

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Don Grady (Robbie on "My Three Sons")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Jack

Jack, age 12
Pauls Valley, Oklahoma (1987)

This photo is more about my mom than about me. As you can see, I was an aspiring decorator in my mother's classroom at age 12. I loved any holiday, and we had decorations for all of them, but Christmas took the cake.

As a teacher's kid, hanging out at the school after hours, but before everyone went home, was a magic time.

Only other teachers' kids would truly understand the power of feeling like you OWNED the building.

I have such a clear memory of the day this picture was taken.

I BEGGED my mom to let me decorate her room for the holiday, and of course, she let me. Why I chose to wrap myself up in all this  tinsel like the love child of Lady Gaga and Jayne Mansfield, I don't know.

I remember performing a little dance around the room to some bad 80's music, for all of the other teachers' kids. Getting other people to laugh was a constant coping mechanism for me, and I remember consciously thinking to myself:
"They can't hit you if they're laughing - even if it's AT you."


My mom came in the room to witness the scene, thought it was hilarious as always, grabbed her camera, and took a picture. She always pushed me to try new things, but never deterred me from being myself, which may have included a (very, very short) stint as a local fashion model at age 13.

Now as a happy gay man in my early 30's I can't tell you how lucky I was to have a mom that just loved me, for all I brought to the table. Even in Oklahoma.

As much as middle or high school can totally suck, the message I can leave with those reading this small snippet of my life is:

Love yourself in the now, and for all that you bring to the table.

A testament to that is I can now OWN this picture, and love me for who I have always been. Though I am a bit ashamed of the ugly cable knit sweater...
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
Click to follow my blog with Bloglovin'

Ronnie

Ronnie, age 10
Charleston, S. Carolina (1980)


As a 10-year-old boy living in Charleston, South Carolina, I liked designing mazes, which accounts for the pen in my hand in this photo. My shirt bears the likeness of Spock from "Star Trek," my favorite TV show.


This was snapped on my requested Polaroid instant camera I got for Christmas. Each photo cost two dollars, my entire allowance at the time, so I rationed each one like a miser. I usually shot our family, and this is a rare picture of me, taken by my brother.

It was a different era in the 1970's. My parents told me homosexuality was sick, and so I thought myself sick. I suffered from depression, guilt, and all the usual head trips. But our attitudes changed over time. Now, we all believe differently.

I have always been gay, as far back as I can remember. But I didn't realize what it meant until my late teens. I was naive about sexuality, even while being quite precocious. I experimented without being fully aware of the implications.

I compartmentalized the issue of sexuality with the expectation that I would change later, and that it would not be a life-long thing.

At 13, I fell in love with my best friend, but he did not return the favor. It seemed like I fell in love with several of my friends. I think that is sometimes a rite of passage for gay kids: to fall in love and be rejected.

I came out to my parents as bisexual at the age 18. They were supportive, but had fears and doubts at first. I eventually found a partner, and we have been very happy together for the past 14 years.

To young gays, I would say that life definitely gets better, particularly if one finds the right person to live with. Someone trustworthy, honest, kind, and considerate.


Sarah

Sarah, age 10
Brooklyn, WA (1996)

I'm on the left in the pic. I didn't really think of myself as being different growing up, since I aspired to be just like my brothers. I remember just wanting to be one of the boys since the beginning.


My mom used to joke about me always dressing like my brothers, often calling us her three sons.

I know my father was often lectured by his conservative Latino family for allowing me to wear boy's clothing.

However, my parents always allowed me to create my own identity.

And I am now living out and proud with the support of both my mom and dad.


Sarah's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Jennifer Connelly (in "Labyrinth")
I was 5 at the time. But I've had a thing for brunettes ever since :D
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JENNIFER CONNELLY - Gorgeous AUTOGRAPH Signed 8x10 Photo Labyrinth (Anniversary Edition) LA Latin GLBT Pride Parade 2004 De Colores - Lesbian and Gay Latinos: Stories of Strength, Family and Love [VHS]

Charles

Charles, age 4
Arlington, MA (1954)


Well, here I am, 4-years old and holding on to my neighbor and best friend. Discovery was key to our relationship. Catholicism might have kept me distant from the inevitable, but the hunger was real...


Later, with my "new boyfriend" I was deliciously tormented while trying to hide my delicate naked self.

It was while changing from my swimwear into street clothes, one hot summer day at the reservoir. Oh how my neighbor BFF went crazy over that!

But I wanted to be seen, and be shared. And anything else that might have helped all this pent up, 4-year-old frustration.


"I can see your pecker!" he cried.
All this while chasing me around a lifeboat in the changing area. Sigh

And damn, I'm pushing some major basket in this shot!

Ryan

Ryan, age 4
Taree, NSW, Australia (1987)

I was born in a small country town, and can remember dressing up on every occasion possible. I couldn't conceive why my boy neighbors never wanted to join in. But here I am, on the far left with my neighbors Mat & Katherine.



I don't remember when I 'realized' I was gay, but I always felt conflicted. I was about 10 when the boys on my street found a dirty magazine. I remember launching into a diatribe about how female parts were boring and all looked the same. And that male parts were much more interesting, because they were all different. But I had no idea what this would all mean in the future.

I recall being attracted to boys and teachers in my class around the same age. But even without any physical contact, I had my heart broken while dating girls until I was 18. It never stopped me being referred to as a f*ggot, or being picked on by the guys at school. I decided that I didn't want to be a f*ggot, and I would do everything in my power to deny it.

My coming out was rather backward. I rebelled and left home at 15 and was hanging out in gay bars as part of my 'double life.'  My mother asked on a visit if 'All of my friends thought that she knew I was gay'. I told her she was being preposterous, and couldn't possibly know what she was talking about.

Well, she also told me that my 'uncle' from a photo we had was not one of my aunt's ex-husbands, but rather her best gay friend. And, that the lady who babysat me as a child in Sydney? Well, she wasn't actually a lady...

I never gave my parents enough credit, and drove a wedge of between us, based mostly on my shame. In school, my sister hated me for being her f*ggot brother, and my stoic father was confronted by my flamboyance. He was convinced gay men were out to get me.

Despite the photo, I consider myself to be an athletic and masculine gay man. And I now have the love and support of my family behind me.

Ryan's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Dean Cain