Paulina

Paulina, age 7

Quilpué, Chile (1994)

I'm in the white dress here, at ballet class, and this photo is very representative of my childhood. On one hand, you can see my expression of loneliness and sadness. On the other, the obvious efforts of my mother in trying to make me posh and elegant. I always felt different next to all those delicate little girls dancing, so I usually only hung out with the boys.

“Pretending to be soft"

But two childhood situations fill me with memories and feelings of female attractions. In kindergarten, there was a girl whose eyes made me shudder. I could not stop watching.

In my ballet classes, there was a 9-year old girl with the most beautiful smile in the world. I cried with excitement seeing her dance.

It was through dance that I finally discovered myself, and that I always felt different.


A bit later when I was 12, our dance group went to the capital city, for a meeting of many dance groups. There was only one large dressing room with about 150 girls around my age. I was in the hormonal peak of life, and in that moment, seeing myself surrounded by half-naked women, I had an epiphany: 'I like girls.'

But also in that moment, I felt fear. My family was very strict and very religious, and back then, I couldn't listen to secular music and almost all TV shows were banned. It's not a surprise that my religion was against gays, because they think that they are sinners and are possessed by demons.

It took me many years to process my life and think back to that lonely, innocent girl who just hung out with boys. And who struggled to appear more feminine. Finally, I left everything, and fell in love with a woman who filled my heart.

While I lost a lot of people that were important to me (because they believed and still believe that gay friends and their faith are incompatible), I won many new friends who love me and think I'm valuable. They love me for who I am, and not of what I look like.

Today, I am very happy with my wife, Catalina, who stayed with me during this storm. And we just decided to get married. And now, I know that God made me this way. I accept it, and I'm happy.

And for today's gay kids:
Everything bad that you're feeling now, it will all go away. Do not lose hope.

Paulina's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Melissa Joan Hart (in "Clarissa Explains It All")
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Billy

Billy, age 7

Columbia, S. Carolina (1970)

I am not sure how it all happened -- but I was Born This Way! And obviously, not afraid to work a pair of burgundy corduroy Toughskins in grade school.

From an early age, I had an innate ability to talk to the animals, and wore a big ol' grin while doing it. Whether cuddling a pup, or stroking a puss, my charges always felt love and comfort. It seems kind of fitting now that I volunteer at The Wildlife Waystation helping to give a better life to exotic rescues.

White Tigers, Pumas, & Bears! Oh Yeah!

I will never forget the smell of cologne one of my best friend's uncle wore.
I think it was Polo (yes, circa 1980). It made me dizzy to smell his musk.

Billy's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Mark Singer &  Christopher Reeve
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Shannon

Shannon, age 6

Gardiner, Maine (1984)

This is me in costume before my very first dance recital, and I was THRILLED. Honestly, I've been gay for as long as I can remember, or at the very least "different", and was able to put appropriate words to it later.

"I do believe in faeries!"

There was a huge sense of closeted shame back then, and when kids on the bus found out I took dance lessons, they'd sing Lionel Ritchie's "Ballerina Girl" to mock me.

But at the same time, I wanted to perform and feel the joy I felt when I was dancing on stage.

There was a time when I would beg to go to dance class, and pictures like this one would be the result. And then my parents would be too embarrassed to display them. That act only served to cement the shame I felt about my desires - be they gay, gender-different, or simply theatrical.

Now I look at this photo and am so proud of the strength I had at such a young age, to try and pursue my own personal truth.

And I can't think of a better lesson to impart to other gay kids. 

Shannon's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Patrick Swayze

'Cuz he liked to dance too!!!

Jurek

Jurek, age 9

Warszawa, Poland (1999)

I'm the boy being hugged in this pic. The blond kid is a friend that I was attracted to, and I suddenly felt an urge to hug him for the photo. Then I panicked thinking 'what the hell am I doing?' 

I always knew I was different, and not just vaguely different. I was attracted to boys, no two ways about it. One of my earliest memories is playing on the grass with a slightly older boy, and doing everything just to hug him.

Even doing normal "boy stuff" I felt like an outsider infiltrating a world that was fascinating to me: Shirtless boys on a soccer field, Boy Scout camping, and don't even get me started on sleepovers!

Then came my 'Eureka Moment' when I was 10, during a sleepover with a best friend I had a crush on at school. We were sleeping in the same bed, and because it was a very hot night, we slept shirtless, and really close to each other.

I'll never forget the emotional and sexual tension I felt. I couldn't sleep, and I basically spent the whole night just looking at him sleeping. And I was like:
'YES! This is me! It's beautiful and I feel I'm alive. I LOVE him, and I feel - happy'. Then he opened his blue eyes, smiled at me all sleepy, and I thought:
Yes indeed, this IS it....'

I never behaved "gay" so most people were surprised when I came out. Except for this boy that I just mentioned. We were supposed to meet again at a class reunion, and before we met, I wrote him on messenger: 'I'll have some surprising news to tell you.' And his reply was: 'You mean, beside the fact that you're gay? What is it? Oh, nevermind...'

I had it relatively easy as a gay kid, compared to many. Even though Poland is a strongly Catholic, above-average "homophobic" country, I wasn't raised in a really religious home, so bigotry wasn't going on. And I went to private schools with kids from more open-minded families. As I wasn't a "sissy" I wasn't really bullied at school for being gay. So I can't speak for those who have it really bad.

But my message to gay kids now, is: Choose your friends carefully, and of your really good friends, tell them you're gay. I told most of my friends beginning at 15, and all of them accepted it - because they liked ME as a person. It can be harder to tell your parents, but if you do, you'll probably finally feel relieved.

My own father - a right-wing conservative - accepted me, and when he saw how happy I was with a boyfriend, he begin to be actively positive towards it! And I know many such stories. So don't be so afraid - there are people who are more tolerant than you think

But, if YOU have problems accepting it yourself, think about it this way: You've been blessed with two feelings that are generally considered beautiful - Romantic love, and the brotherhood of two men as friends. It's a gift! And just think how many awesome people were gay! I started with Oscar Wilde...

Oh, and my best friend from the reunion? He let me hug him as we were saying goodbye - and he even took off his shirt for me. And he is straight as an arrow!

Jurek's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas ("Home Improvement")

Bjorn Andresen (in "Death in Venice")

Skandar Keynes (in "Chronicles Of Narnia")
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Alvin

Alvin, age 4

San Juan, Puerto Rico (1960)

Here I am modeling in front of my Dad's 1956 Pontiac. This is in the center of San Juan, the Hato Rey district. That's a working class neighborhood, and it's where I was called "pato" (faggot) at an early age. Back then, I ran the gamut:

I used to wear my aunt's dresses, put on makeup when nobody was around, dressed up my GI Joe dolls with my neighbor's Barbie clothes, and undoubtedly possessed a sense of fabulousness.

Kids at school used to make fun of my feminine ways, but when I developed a very deep voice during adolescence, they stopped bothering me.

While I never played sports, I became famous in my High School for being our class actor/singer.

Acting and singing during that era was highly respected in Puerto Rico. And if you were a member of the Glee Club, people respected you for that too, and understood your niche in life.

I guess those were different times than now.

Alvin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Pernell Roberts (in "Bonanza")

Alberto

Alberto, age 3

Jerez, Spain (1980)

Here I am, phoning my friend Villa to talk about the new "chulazo" who had just moved in the neighborhood.

Before finding your blog, and seeing the other pictures posted here, I felt a little ashamed about this pic.

As a little kid, I used to dream about playing with Barbies, and I loved watching Falcon Crest on TV.

I realized I was gay at 5, but I didn't really come to accept it until I was 24


Now, I am a big, proud wolf!

Alberto's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lorenzo Lamas (on "Falcon Crest")

Edgar

Edgar, age 6

Bellwood, IL (1993)

I've always wondered if my parents ever thought I could've been gay when I was a kid. I mean, look at this pose! I guess they had little to no Gaydar, thanks to all those books on the shelf behind me. My parents were (and still are) devout Jehovah's Witnesses.

"The son of a preacher man"

I first felt different around the time this pic was taken, but I didn't have a word for it till I was 13. Strangely enough, seeing this again kind of makes me want to have kids of my own.

Probably because I want to make-up for my parents raising me in a pretty homophobic religion.

I was a bit of a nerd growing up and I got caught up in the Power Rangers and Pokémon. I loved Disney movies, but only during the late 80's/early 90's Disney Renaissance! As I hit puberty, I was a die-hard N*Sync and Britney Spears fan.

My message to young LGBTQ kids, is that they're the vanguard in a long movement where we've all fought for a long time, to just be ourselves.

All that fighting has won them the right to feel perfectly comfortable in their skin. However, if anyone gets in the way of that, they can be sure there are plenty of people who will  back them up and support them.

Edgar's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Val Kilmer & Chris O'Donnell (in "Batman Forever")

Ooh - all that rubber, and especially those abs and pecs...

Glen

Glen, age 7
West Milford, New Jersey (1969)

This is a picture of me and my two brothers. I'm on the top step.
My grandmother wrote 'The 3 Muscateers' at the top. But on the back she wrote 'the three astronauts' since we were all named for astronauts. Glen, Scott, and Dean were definitely common names for kids during the 60's.

I don't recall the pic being snapped, but it is rather telling. We all had some sort of metal canes for the snapshot. My younger brother Dean (now a poet), is on the bottom step looking rather nonplussed about his. Scott (who ended up being the jock of the family) is in the middle, holding his like a javelin. And I'm looking rather dandy using it like walking cane, with my left arm flung casually over the step behind me. I also love the white socks and black shoes!

It must have been around 2nd grade that I recall having those feelings that I now recognize as my inherent gayness. There was a boy in class named Gary C, whose name I still remember after all these years. I just could not take my eyes off of him. I just wanted to be near him. I don't remember much more about him than that - but those memories of staring at him and longing for him are permanently etched in my brain.

During the 1960's and 1970's in the sticks of New Jersey, homosexuality was simply not discussed, even in church. It wasn't on anyone's radar, even though my town was only about an hour's drive away from Greenwich Village, NY.

While I knew instinctively that I was drawn to boys, and then men as I got older, I didn't fully integrate those feelings until much later after college.

Glen's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Don Grady (Robbie Douglas on "My Three Sons")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Julia

Julia, age 5

Caracas, Venezuela (1990)

That's me on the far right in this pic. The interesting part about this picture is that it shows a very different part of me: I was very feminine as a child. Today, as a grown woman, I am a complete butch! Go figure!

"A feminine butch? You go girl!"

As a child I was always secretly admiring women, especially my preschool teachers who were all very feminine. Since very little, I knew there was something exotic about women - their sweetness, their affection and, their hugs!

I used to play with Barbies a lot, pretending they were girlfriends. Sometimes I even made them kiss! This made me feel I was doing something 'wrong'.

At around the age of 16, I discovered Mariah Carey and became fascinated by her beauty and voice. Time went on with me thinking it was wrong to dream of girls. Then I kind of didn't want to wear feminine clothing, but I had no choice.

I can't say what specific time age I consciously knew I was gay, but I can say that at 24 years old, when I officially came out to my parents, I knew my life began again. And this time, without shame, and without the pressure of being feminine.

My message for gay kids around the world is: Queerness is freedom.

Julia's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Thalia, Mariah Carey, Ellen DeGeneres, & k.d. lang
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Dimitri

Dimitri, age 4
Tacoma, WA (1971)

From the earliest I can remember, I thought boys made more sense than girls. At this age, I remember running onto the lap of my favorite babysitter. He was a teen-aged boy, and he and his sisters watched us all the time. And, I kissed him.

He said, 'Dimitri, boys don’t kiss other boys.'
And I thought, 'Well, that’s dumb.'

“Ready for my close up!”

I was more even aware of my difference and my attraction to boys by 10 years old, and had my first boyfriend at 13. I remember sneaking out of the window and going to his house late at night after everyone was asleep!

He was from Mexico and spoke very little English, but we managed just fine.  :)

I always loved pretty things. I wanted to be creative in school and work with art. I would re-decorate my bedroom almost weekly, moving things around and changing the colors of the room depending on my blankets.


As I became a teenager, I was very much into the punk & new wave scene of the 80’s. I loved Boy George and Cyndi Lauper and often shaved the side of my head into diamonds and dyed the rest black. I still miss being able to play with my appearance like that!

As I look back on this picture, I thank God every day that I was raised by my mother who supported me, normalized my differences for me, and prepared me for the world that is STILL not ready for me. I came out at 12, went through my youth and puberty as a gay teen, and grew to manhood surrounded by the large gay community in Seattle.

Dimitri's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Sean Cassidy

He was my first love. I had a t-shirt with his face on it and wore it proudly through most of the 4th grade!
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