Hiram

Hiram, age 4

Bethany, Connecticut (1972)

I was born the 8th of 9 children and grew up on a farm in Connecticut. In this photo, I'm dressed like a hippie with my younger sister Mary. My family was very Republican, thus the elephant doll. Notice I'm holding the doll, not Mary.

I always knew I was different, and though there wasn't anything I was more proud of, I was also very insecure about being loved by all people.

Whether it was people I wanted as friends or not, I was just sure that everyone needed to love me.

I had an absolutely wonderful childhood due to two loving parents.

Speaking of my family, my mom's brother is also gay. But accepting that I was gay was very traumatic for me, and lead me to look for life's "pain killers."

I had my first "experience" in Boy Scouts with "Jack" when I was 13. I was also infatuated with "Jeff" my high school friend. I guess I was 14 when I first accepted myself, or cried for the first time when I quasi-accepted I might be gay. But I didn't truly come out to myself until I was 26 years old.

Today, I'm a 42 year old man who has been in a loving, monogamous relationship with my man. Actually, this week on January 28, 2011 - we celebrate 15 years together!

I wish I could have been more secure with myself earlier on, as that could have lead me down different roads. But things happen for reason. My man happened for a reason. I love him dearly, and he reminds me it's funny how life flows.

As far as my family is concerned, I am fully loved and my partner is accepted as one of the family.

Hiram's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Michael Landon (on "Little House On The Prairie")

Dan Haggerty ("Grizzly Adams")

I actually brushed my hand against Grizzly when I saw him at a fair when I was about 10. And yes, of course I still think about it!! ;)
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Michael

Michael, age 11

Syracuse, NY (1986)

I remember this moment vividly, because it was our 5th grade school photos at our Catholic elementary school. The photographer was a gorgeous man in his 20's, and I was in love for the first time. I was feeling quite fierce that morning, and decided to wear my outfit from last Easter, since it was a big hit.  Overall it was a good day, and the picture speaks for itself.

"5th grade school photo and feeling fierce!"

I did have a pretty terrible childhood with an alcoholic father who left us (twice), and dealt with the taunting of the mean kids. I knew I was gay when I was 5, but didn't have the word to describe what I was feeling.

I really struggled to make sense of it, and kept the secret which was slowly making me insane. I can recall feeling so alone and wondering why I was so different from other kids. 

What really helped me through it all was my best friend Paris, and a song called "Hold On" by Wilson-Phillips.

I would listen to that song EVERY DAY and hope that I would eventually be OK.


All in all, my experiences made me a very strong and fabulous person. I am very happy with who I am and what I offer the world. My core belief is that I am a person of integrity. No one can take that away from me, ever. When I look at this picture now, I feel awesome! I am GAY and I think that is a special gift.

My message to the LGBT youth struggling now, is the same that helped me:

HOLD ON - and know that you are loved, and it gets better.
Reach out and get the support from all of us in the community.

And remember - what you resist, persists.

Michael's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Burt Ward (Robin on "Batman")

Patrick Duffy (in "Dallas")

Scott Baio (in "Joanie Loves Chachi")

Manuel

Manuel, age 3

Oviedo, Spain (1955)

My friends see this pic now and tell me how I remind them of Jane Wyman in All That Heaven Allows. Which flatters me, and perhaps it predicted what would be my future. I always loved Jane Wyman in that movie, and Rock Hudson disguised as the gardener.

"My first day of school"

I was the smallest boy in my catholic school, and all the nuns (even the bad ones) immediately became my 2nd mothers. But they seemed so foreign to me, and I'd ask them questions like: 'Do you eat? Why are you dressed like that? What's going on in your mind?' They adored me, as I was a very nice boy.

Later, I went to work as an actor in children's theater and I'd recite poems standing on a chair. I sang songs, and people said I looked like Pablito Calvo, a famous child prodigy from that era. He was the actor in Marcelino Pan Y Vino, which is a great Spanish film of 1955 (the year of my birth), and a film that I still love.

Another signal of me being gay back then?

I was very into films and movies as a boy, and still am. I still love The Sound Of Music the best, and more recently Douglas Sirk's Melos and Far From Heaven. Julianne Moore is one of my favorite actresses, of course.

But it was the actors who I had crushes on, such as Charlton Heston, Doug McClure, Rock Hudson, George Hamilton, Troy Donahue, Michael Landon, James Franciscus, Robert Wagner, Warren Beatty, Jeffrey Hunter, Richard Harrison, and Stephen Boyd. Whew! :)

While I really didn't have an awareness that I was different as a child, my dreams were clearly telling me something just the opposite.

And it took me very little effort to be completely sure.

Manuel's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Robert Conrad
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Ben

Ben, age 2

Bristol, England (1974)

I was barely able to dress myself when I came across this fairy dress in my godparents' daughter's dressing up box. I'd toddled off on my own while everyone else chatted over a lazy lunch, came back into the room wearing it, and refused to take it off. I remember just loving the colors and how lightweight it was, even though it was the biggest thing I’d ever worn.

Everyone thought it was hilarious, but I remember the laughter being warm and friendly. If only they knew! I love this picture, as it shows me able to go off and explore on my own, and come back to face the world as I really am. I'm still a rebel at heart, and still love fancy dress!

I knew I was gay from about 7 years old, although no one else ever knew until I was 16, and started to date girls. Instinct helped me to come out to those who would be kind and unchallenging towards me, and one by one I did that during High School.

Then, before University, I left to teach in a remote Pakistani village for one year. Selfishly and cowardly, I thought and hoped that my wider 'coming out' might happen that year without me, as if by some bizarre process of remote osmosis. But like many others, I had to do it the painful and brave way.

There followed the usual denial, tears, soul searching and heartache against a backdrop of the UK government's terrifying 'Don’t Die Of Ignorance' anti-AIDS campaign. Everyone seemed to think I’d be dead within a year!

I’m 36 now - healthy and happily married to a gorgeous, strong, and sensitive man. And I'm very grateful for the relative freedoms of the times we live in, especially in the UK. I also have a supportive and loving family.

But there is still so much injustice in the world, and I’m saddened to think that others suffer pain because of love. What a terrible paradox. But there’s no real compromise.

Love has to be worth fighting for, and that is my message for kids facing the turmoil of coming out and falling in love for the first time.

Ben's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Harrison Ford (in "Raiders Of The Lost Ark")

I tell people I was inspired to study Arabic because of "Lawrence of Arabia",
but Indiana Jones was the real reason!
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Rafa

Rafa, age 5

Madrid, Spain (1974)

I chose this pic of me at a beach near Valencia (where my family vacationed), because I can look into my eyes and feel the huge barrier I built up in my inner world, and one I thought I was supposed to show to everyone else. It’s not a very natural expression, and one that no small child should be showing on his face.

I remember the ever-present idea of loneliness that seemed to have no end in sight. Knowing I was different - and aware that nobody would approve of what I was feeling - always made me feel alone. And I felt a false certainty that things would remain that way forever.

I can’t claim to have been only incredibly unhappy, because my family loved me and I had a few friends. But as my birthdays went by, the burden of hiding what I felt lead me to feel constantly misunderstood. As a result, I often sought out my own personal place, where I could just be alone and not have to pretend in front of anybody. That’s why I always read or drew or played by myself.

When I was 4 or 5, I was already aware of the fact that I was attracted to men, something "very bad" that I couldn't talk about. I remember watching TV shows like Little House On The Prairie and feeling drawn to the actors, but not to the actresses. And I remember suffering, because I would force myself to not look at other boys. I never tried to do anything with girls at all, but I did force myself to be basically sexless and never give in to my impulses. That turned me into quite an introverted person, as well as a rather unhappy one.

For the gay kids of today feeling different, I say - don’t hide it, no matter how old you are. I know it’s hard and you’ll go through some rough times. But none of that compares to having your childhood and teenage years taken away from you.

Don’t let those years just go up into smoke. Live them for yourself, because the people who truly love you will stay by your side. And though they may have a hard time at first, they will support you in the end.

Love yourself above all else.

PS: I'm married and happy, and out of the closet for 20 years now

Rafa's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Marc Singer ("The Beastmaster") & Maxwell Caulfield ("Grease 2")
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Andrew

Andrew, age 9

Portadown, Northern Ireland (1979)

I always loved the stage – singing, dancing, performing, and fancy costumes. Unable to go to the local Dance School (boys in Ireland didn't dance way back then), I joined my Primary School's "Glee Club." Yes, we had one in Northern Ireland, decades before it became a 21st century phenomenon.

"A 70's Billy Elliott story, except I never became a famous dancer!"

This pic is from out Hans Christian Anderson performance for the school, and I was chosen to play The King from The King's New Clothes  - 'Look at the king, look at the king, the king is in his altogether, now altogether'. Which meant wearing a white vest top, white underpants, and white tights. I couldn't believe my luck!!! I was being allowed to wear all this in front of about 400 children and 30 teachers. Talk about pure bliss and heaven, and being in my element.

Years later, I met up with a teacher who said he'd 'never forget me until the day he died.'  When I asked him why, he replied: 'Me and the staff members witnessed what was probably your first and last erection in public that day! You were so engrossed in your character, you didn't notice a tiny little bulge downstairs'.

Needless to say, I was mortified! But in retrospect, even that couldn't detract from that moment of glory.

Years before this, my grandfather came to my defense by warning my dad to not suppress my "inappropriate" behavior. Which back then included playing with irons and vacuum cleaners, wearing my mum's heels, and pretending to be a majorette. My grandfather assured him that I'd probably outgrow that little "phase".  If only I still wanted to play with real irons and vacuum cleaners now – I wish I hadn't grown out of that. As for the other part? I guess he was wrong!

Alfredo

Alfredo, age 7
San Juan, Puerto Rico (1962)

I'm from the main islands of Puerto Rico, and I grew up among Catholics and conservatives. I became a born again Christian at age 18. I left the island in search of knowledge and freedom and became a Ph.D. in California, among fundamentalists. A sense of protection and guilt kept me in a closeted jail until I became 37 years old. I traveled the world and was very happy.

However, I had a secret, double life in which I searched for freedom and peace. It did not matter how much I did for anyone. No one seemed to be happy enough to give me peace.

Why?

Since age 4, I knew I was attracted to men, but I couldn't say it.

French actor Alain Delon made me crazy everytime I saw his picture in a magazine.

But the world around me was not tolerant, so I had to keep quiet. The world around me would kill me for being gay, and I knew that as a child. And so it went. 

I was also attracted to the Catholic priests at my school. They were missionaries from the United States. A sense of guilty pleasure came to my heart each time I was at Mass. Therefore, Church became my refuge. But can you not see how sad my eyes were? Each time I look at my school pictures, I remember exactly how lonely I felt and how aware I was of my uniqueness.

My last attempt to find peace was my missionary journey to Japan. Oddly enough, rejection and intolerance was the response I got from friends whenever I spoke about my struggle. And oddly enough, my best friends were Christian missionaries and pastors.

Have you ever been in the same kind of jail? I was, until the wonderful day upon returning to my island - the same wonderful day I fell in love at 37. It took my mother a weekend of tears to deal with it. But it only took my aunts two minutes to tell me, 'We all knew. Be happy.'  And so I have been since then.

14 years have passed, and I am free, happy, and full of love and peace. Did I change? Not really. I live the same way I used to live. I do the same things, go to the same places, but I am the freest man in the world. I have allowed myself to love and be loved.

As for Alain Delon? Well, thanks to YouTube I can see him every day, if I want. Thanks to life and freedom, I have my own Alain Delon.

There is no better way than one's own way. There's nothing better than waking up to life, on my path as the one person who needs words of love, encouragement, and peace. It reminds me that although as a child I was afraid, as an adult - I can make a difference.

If you're still in "jail," make sure you're out to yourself, and talk to many of us that are willing to listen and share. There is an Alain Delon waiting for you, too.

Alfredo's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Alain Delon
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Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Soraida

Soraida, Age 8

Odessa, TX (1996)

I'm on the right in my pic, and I always seemed to have my hands in my pockets or hidden behind my back, as if I was uncomfortable around everyone. But in reality, it was because I always felt different, like I didn't belong in any certain group. I never fit in with the boys, and especially never with the girls.

"Always trying to hide, and hide who I was, from everyone"

I was always really shy when talking to females. I've always felt different since birth.

Later on between the ages of 10 and 12, I realized it was because of my sexual orientation.

At this age the thing that ruled me more  - and still does - is music. I really liked making my mom play me old classic rock albums or Metallica CD's every weekday, as she drove my sister and I to work.


My message to young gay and lesbian children and young adults now is:
Do not be afraid to be who you are.

It's always important to realize you're living this life for you, and not anyone else. So never let anyone try to burn out your light. It's the only true way for you to love yourself, your family, your friends, and most of all - the person you'll one day become.

Soraida's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Melanie C. (Spice Girls)
I'd much rather look at pictures of her,

instead of the the boys from N*Sync, like my sister did.

David

David, age 8

St. Johnsbury, VT (1971)

This was taken during summer, based on the dirty dump that I'm posing in. I have vague memories of pictures being taken there, but I don't remember this exact occasion. I'm quite certain that I'm wearing my sister's shirt. And dig the bowl haircut, that filthy room (the kitchen), and the laundry hanging off the porch.

Completely white trash! 

Due to home and school conditions, my sexuality was the last thing on my mind. But never at any point was I attracted to females, and males were to be feared and avoided.


Ultimately, I didn't consider sexuality until my early 20’s. I was stationed in Germany when I began to acknowledge and accept that part of myself. Not a bad place to start the journey.

The biggest advice I can offer is that all things evolve over time. The bad can go good and the good can go bad. You just have to put in the work to keep it where you want it. Just accept that some things are not meant to be. While some things just shouldn’t be, and some things have to be

David's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Robert Conrad ("Wild Wild West")
Burt Reynolds ("Gunsmoke")

Michael Landon ("Bonanza")

Those are all kinda funny, as I hate westerns! Way too much dirt and gun fights

Craig

Craig, age 8

Simsbury, Connecticut (1970)

Here I am wearing my mom's Polly Bergen wig, pretending to be a hippie at a pot party. My mom was an actress, and I was in-utero for her performance of Buttercup in HMS Pinafore. She was supposed to be "Sweet Little Buttercup" - but because she was so pregnant with me, they padded her sides to make her look like Fat Little Buttercup. Or perhaps Knocked Up Little Buttercup?

The following year, I was breast fed by Mad Margaret. Could we see the handwriting on the wall? I loved theater and used to cue my mom for her roles, like my personal favorite, Aldonza in Man of La Mancha.

"You're a woar..."
"No honey, it's pronounced whore. HOAR... now never say it..."

Back then, I loved the movie Tommy, and was crushing out on Roger Daltrey. But I also crushed on Ann-Marget, hard. I guess I was conflicted? Or Gemini.

Or both!

Advice for young gay kids now is:

Just be the beautiful person you are, however that shakes out. Do not let ANYONE define you other than you. Our greatest gift is our humanity; the bravest choice is to be beautifully imperfect and human - which makes perfect sense in a paradoxical world.

Namaste, I honour the God/Goddess/Light/Intelligence in You. As is.

Craig's first, famous-person same sex crush: Rogert Daltrey
Plus Lindsey Buckingham, and Brad Davis in "Midnight Express"
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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