Karin

Karin, age 4

Sacramento, California (1964)

My mom made me this Mary Poppins costume, and I loved it so much, I slept in it. Mary Poppins flirted with Bert, but I was always sure it wasn’t serious. Mary happily lived alone, refused to take directions from men, and as far as I'm concerned, she is more than my first crush - she's my blueprint for life.

I wanted to be the way she was in the world, plus I wanted to be practically perfect in every way.

I thought Julie Andrews was quite wonderful, but Mary was the one I loved.

From early on, I knew I didn't want men ruling my life. But it wasn't until I was a teenager I realized it wasn’t about men at all - it was about women.

Women are awesome.

I've always liked love stories, and once wrote a story about a young girl who saves a troubled Queen from a terrible marriage. They run away together and live happily ever after. If my 5th-grade teacher thought that was strange, she didn't say so. Maybe because on the outside I looked so normal.

I liked Barbies and Mary Poppins and pretty clothes. I was as normal as normal could be, except for the not ever dating boys part. And while I was publicly very crushed out on Bobby Sherman's dreamy eyes, my heart, body and soul belonged to Batgirl. As Julie Gordon, she was a librarian; and as Batgirl she rode a purple motorcycle and fought in those great boots. Unlike Bobby Sherman, she gave me serious tingles.

This photo reminds me of that conviction that I could make the world the way I liked it. Just like Mary Poppins did, even if I couldn't sing or slide up a banister. And in that world I would be the kind of normal I was born to be.

Turns out my normal is being a lesbian, a girly-girl who likes girls, a mom,
a romantic, and a writer. But it doesn’t include being practically perfect in every way. Alas...

Karin's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Julie Andrews ("Mary Poppins")

Yvonne Craig (Batgirl on "Batman")
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Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Marco

Marco, age 5

Chianciano Terme, Italy (1961)

This photo was taken during summer, at a café table in a spa town in Italy.
My mom, dad, and my brother and I all sat in these very modern, 1960's chrome chairs. However, I was the only one who crossed my legs - and, I must admit, in a very flirtatious way! When I was a child, I loved all the female singers that were popular in my country, but with the secret desire to be like them!

I am certain that nobody "becomes homosexual," and many of our childhood behaviors, events, and choices are revealing.

Except to our parents, who almost always do not capture the true meaning of it all.

Rather, they document it precisely with the opposite intention: to normalize what would otherwise be seen as embarrassing.

Many of us understood very well what was going on, even if we didn't have the tools to express it.

As children, we almost never censor ourselves, putting forth those features which, when older, we would be ashamed of. I knew it all from very early on, and even if I thought it was wrong, I couldn't be any other way. So I spent a lot of thoughts and energy that could have been better spent otherwise. If only my feelings didn't have obstacles back then.

Seeing this picture now, I think: Wasn't it so obvious that I was gay from the beginning?! My mother knew and would ask me occasionally during my 20's, but I didn't actually admit it and come out to her until age 45. To my surprise, she was very happy and said, "Didn't you think you could have told me before?"
So I'm happy I got to tell her, before she died.

So, my message to all young gay people now is:
Tell it without fear - because your photos will tell it anyway...

As for my first, famous-person same sex crush?
Wow, I don't remember, it was 50 years ago!
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
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Mark

Mark, age 16

Portland, OR (1962)

It's been a great time reading the inspired and heartfelt blog posts here. Now at age 64, it has allowed me to remember that as a kid, I always sort-of knew something was different about me. But in the 1950's, in my little Oregon cow-town, in a religious home, I knew nothing about life until well into college.

I remember wanting a dollhouse at age 5, and having a crush on Rock Hudson the first time I saw him on TV. And KNOWING I needed to someday get out of that remote town I lived in. None of those feelings were connected to farming life, where football was king.

This pic is my favorite, since being the piano guy at 16 kept me "in" enough at that age to be included. Although I always felt I was alone somehow.

As others experienced, I was aware of being different, but not why or what. So I could not "change" anything. I sort of had to let myself be snickered at sometimes during phys ed classes.

The most intense day I spent in high school was trying to "explain" to my "best friend" - who was unaware of the crush I had on him - that I was upset he was spending so much time with his girlfriend.

In the middle of that awkward conversation, I said out loud (while becoming aware of it), 'This sounds like a girlfriend talk, doesn’t it?'  It bothered me so much, I excused myself and went home. I spent that evening trying to understand what happened. And our friendship became awkward from then on.

Lots of things happened that I should have been aware were gay-like, but there was SO little information back then. I had NO reference for those experiences at all. I simply thought if I stayed "religious" I'd outgrow those "mystery" feelings.

Luckily, my life bloomed at age 21, and has from that time on. And my partner and I are in our 23rd year together.

Jeff

Jeff, age 4

Emmaus, Pennsylvania (1966)

Here we are in Trexlertown, PA when my grandparents came to visit, and brought my cousin Rhonda along. We lived 4 hours apart, but saw each other often enough to feel really close. We always knew we shared a special bond, but we wouldn't know why until much later. Yup, my cousin Rhonda is gay, too.

That day, we all got to pick a hat from the gift shop. I'm 2nd left, wearing the red felt cap with a white feather - a Swiss Yodeler style, I believe - and I'm holding a daffodil. Rhonda chose the rebel soldier hat with the cross-guns emblem on the front. She was a few months older than me and was always my protector, amid the rough and tumble moments when all the cousins got together.

Our family is ultra-conservative and has never accepted that we're both gay.
To their credit, they've accepted us within the context of their rules, although they judge us and look down on us. Those "rules" were never pleasant for us, and over time, I realized those rules primarily ended up hurting them. My partner of 11 years is not welcome in my family's home, and that's truly their loss.

Our family views our being gay through the caricature of their beliefs, so they don’t really know us: we're just "the queer cousins." But she and I have made the best of it, and we're lucky because we always had each other, and still do.

Jeff's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Tom Selleck

I clipped out the Salem cigarette ads he did, which was a bit hard to explain.
Rhonda crushed on Olivia Newton-John, setting the course for her life/loves.
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Christie

Christie, age 6

Ft. Worth, TX (1968)

I was a tomboy from the start, and I always wanted to be a knight, a superhero, or the Lone Ranger.
I loathed dolls, homemaking, and dresses.

My dreams were different from other girls once I was in school, and they, too, sensed the difference. I failed to adore the boy hearthrob of the moment. And I was in love with Julie Andrews!

I think today we see a much better world for queers. There is much more acceptance, and I think that one day soon, I may get to marry my beloved lady. Today, I DO get to practice martial arts, I try to be the best White Knight that I can, and - I am still in love with Julie Andrews.


My best advice to young gays and lesbians is to trust in yourself and your feelings. Become aware of all the negative socialization that bombards you, and learn to separate that from yourself.

Love yourself, love others, and follow your heart.

Dennis

Dennis, age 8

Natoma, Kansas (1966)

Summer of 1966 was my certain summer. That's me on the left and my cousin Ranny on the right. He was from the big city (Denver) and was spending the summer on our farm in western Kansas. This was a big deal for me, as I didn’t have many friends, and was already branded a sissy by my small town peers.

In the photo, I'm wearing my favorite shorts, cotton twill with an elastic waist.
They were so much more comfortable than cut-off jeans! Ranny had a similar pair, and one afternoon I told him, 'Wear your shorts with no underwear and meet me in the hayloft.' The love of being naked is one I have to this day

I don’t know how many times we revisited the hayloft, to just shed our clothes and revel in the air on our bodies. One time, I heard my mother calling as she was climbing the ladder! I hid behind the bales of hay, but she knew I was there, as my shorts were lying at her feet. Ranny just stood there, having wisely stayed in his clothes that day.

I slunk out, the guilty look on my face confirming everything. She hadn’t caught us doing anything, but she didn’t have to. She knew, all her fears realized. She marched me downstairs, refusing to let me get dressed. Pulling a leather strap from the tack room, she bent me over and whipped me, racked with sobbing.

That evening, my father had a quiet talk with me. Which was unusual, as he usually wielded the belt and my mother did the talking. I'm sure he thought he had the most difficult task that day.

Ranny and I never talked about it. I don't know if he turned out to be gay, as he was killed in a car wreck at 16.

After that, I realized that the things kids had called me and what I was feeling were connected. And my parents had just confirmed what I already knew: that I had to keep it a dirty secret. I tamped it down by being the best little boy I could. Though not too good, lest I draw attention to myself.

In high school I sought refuge in the church, but by my senior year realized I was just running away from the obvious. One more year and I could be free!
I dumped the church and started looking for colleges with gay student groups.

Today, my mother still won't talk to me about my sexuality.
She says she'd be just as uncomfortable talking to my brother about his marriage.

Dennis' first, famous-person same sex crush:

Doug McClure (in "The Virginian")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Ed

Ed, age 2

Peoria, IL (1962)

This photo was taken when I was just shy of 2, and shows a happy boy who just won't stop being happy. That's why I like this photo so much – it shows my spirit that won’t quit. The plaid jumper is pretty hot, too!

One of the challenges for me growing up was asserting my individuality. My parents were (and still are, to an extent) more concerned about how things look, rather than being authentic.

One of my earliest memories was in 2nd grade; I wanted to play the flute and quickly found out that boys don't play the flute. I learned to be quiet and just do what I was told.

But I always knew my inner feelings were somehow different than what was expected.


The first time I remember these feelings as being gay was when I was 11.
I wanted to be with my best friend at the time. There was something about being around him that just felt really good. I also remember how devastated I was when he moved away that summer. I missed him so much I cried, but knew that I couldn't tell anyone why I was crying.

That's also when I also remember being really attracted to Peter on "The Brady Bunch." Greg was too old and Bobby was too young - but Peter was just right!

After a long drawn out process, I finally came out to myself in college and realized I needed to be far away from home to really be my true self. Coming out to my family was incredibly painful; my father said he wouldn’t drink out of the same glass as me because I'm gay (this was the early 80’s). He’s mellowed a bit since, but we aren’t that close. I wish we were closer.

Somehow, I've kept seeing that happy kid inside myself, and that kept me going. And my life now is wonderful!  I'm in a 20+ year relationship, and I started my own business because I realized my true calling is to make my own box, rather than be in someone else's!

Be your authentic self.

Ed's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Christopher Knight (Peter Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
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Paul

Paul, age 5

Sacramento, CA (1961)

Now at age 54, I look back at this photo of me and remember my "first gay thought": It was when Steve, my best friend next door, "mooned" me from his bedroom window. Though I couldn't identify those feelings or the attraction,
I absolutely loved it, and the feeling was intense enough that I never forgot it.

 I tried to be the best little kid in the world, totally respecting all authority and acting like an angel; probably overcompensation for realizing that I was born different, and there was no changing that.

Around 6 or 7, I loved watching "Daniel Boone" on TV, as I was so in love with Daniel's blond-haired son, Israel. 

At age 8 I remember I was also very attracted to one particular plastic army man (the sniper). His posterior seemed to be such a turn on.

Finally on my 21st birthday, I completely came out to myself.
It was either that or suicide.

Adults want to deny these feelings - either straight or gay - in kids, but we know the truth that most of us experience those sexual and affectionate feelings at young ages.

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Darby Hinton (Israel on "Daniel Boone")

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Pat

Pat, age 3

Mobile, AL (1960)

When I was 3, I had only just begun to know the value of a good look. In this case it was a petticoat from my sister's closet. I not only used the simpler version (shown here) as a skirt, but used her frillier one as fake hair. This was only after trial and error, and learning that using Spanish moss as fake hair left me with itchy chiggers. Chiggers are red bugs with painful bites. We'd paint them with fingernail polish to suffocate them. Thus, it was necessary to raid my mother's make-up. This may or may not be suitable chigger treatment, but hey...

"Pat comes out of the closet at age 3"

It was also about this time that I developed my soprano singing voice. "Away In A Manger" was my most requested song, no matter the time of year.

My ability to do 'The Twist' for hours on end made me the entertainment go-to for most of my parents' parties.

I never dressed in ladies' clothes again until I was 14 and was "required" to do so at my large southern Baptist church during a youth retreat.

I tied with a guy named Charlie as the winner in a "backwards" Beauty Pageant. This time, I was a knockout in my Mom’s alligator pumps and handbag, and a long black fall (a half wig) that belonged to my 5th grade teacher.

My childhood crush was Sandy on "Flipper" and I even wanted to change my name to Sandy. In retrospect, it was probably just an effort to get close to his dad, Ranger Ricks (Brian Kelly). I wonder if they ever used petticoats so creatively?

I can honestly say that the Baptist church, the Alabama public education system, and a superstar dolphin sitcom definitely fine-tuned my sense of style. And it all made me the blissful gay Renaissance man I am today.

Somebody say AMEN!

Pat's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Luke Halpin (Sandy on "Flipper")

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Patti

Patti, age 3

Jacksonville, FL (1961)

This is the final picture in a series of photos with me and my older brother.
The earlier photos show me pitching a fit to be allowed to drive this fire engine - by myself. I wasn’t content to be seated in the back, nor in sharing the ride with my brother. I remember wanting to drive and to not be wearing this dress! Today, I still kinda feel bad for kicking my brother out of the Fire Chief's seat.

"WHERE'S THE FIRE?!"

Being raised in the bible-belt as a Southern Baptist, it was natural for me to attempt to repress feelings that I was different, though I was certainly considered a tomboy.

I grew up in a time when kids could play anywhere they wanted as long as you were close enough to hear your dad's whistle calling you home RIGHT NOW!
I could often be found in some tree fort playing war games with the other neighborhood boys.

To my brother's chagrin, as little tow-headed kids running around shirtless in swim trunks, we were often mistaken for twin brothers. I don’t remember if he was more bothered that people thought we were the same age - or the same gender!

I looked forward to his hand-me-downs and still resist the urge to raid his closet when I visit him now. Though not initially happy that his little sister was gay, he always remained protective of me even if we fought like cats and dogs at home.

To young kids trying to figure things out, find someone you can trust to talk to about how you’re feeling, especially if you’re being bullied. You are not alone and no matter what, it gets better.

Patti's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Karen Carpenter
It’s funny how all of my daydreams about her
involved rescuing her from some catastrophe.

Kevin

Kevin, age 3

Marlow, Oklahoma (1967)

This tea set was one of my cousin Suzanne's Christmas gifts. We're 7 months apart and we'd sometimes swap Christmas toys. One year we both got portable record players with companion story books. I got "Peter Rabbit" and Suzanne "Sleeping Beauty" and we traded. She always shared her Barbies with me, too.
It's one of the reasons I grew so close to Suzanne, as she never judged me about playing with "girl" toys. She's a grandmother now and we're still very close.

I learned from my family's reactions to my desire to play house (or dress up, or to have a Ken doll) that there was something odd in wanting these things. But I was totally ignorant of what it all meant. But in 4th grade, I asked my mother what the name I was being called on the playground meant. She told me that a "homo" was a man who lived with another man, like she lived with my father.

I could tell from the way she described it that she disapproved of "homos" too.
So I pretended to be disgusted by it. As I felt certain she was convinced that I was one too, I went upstairs and cried. There was a name for it, I knew it's what I was, and that I'd be hated for it. And I was horrified that everyone else could tell.

I felt I was the only one. I tried to butch it up, but wasn't very good at playing the lie. I was bullied remorselessly until I got older, and started making friends outside of high school and college. The bullying not only tortured me, it also did a number on my parents. It put them in a very difficult position of protecting me, while standing by and teaching me accepted social standards for male behavior.

That drove a wedge between us, even as they tried to comfort my regular crying fits of frustration and humiliation. I didn't feel they understood me, and I had no way to understand what they were going through either.

My father tells the story of how he went to work one day, and left his happy, gregarious, open, smiling son. And when he returned I was sullen, withdrawn and suspicious. My father thought that I was angry with him. We had a very hard time until after I was 26 and came out to them. He and my mother already knew, though she was deep in denial. But my dad already accepted me. He helped my mother through her problems with my sexuality, and continued to identify and grapple with his issues.

I wish that the social mores back then hadn't soured our relationship. But we're close now, we focus on the present, and my mother continues to come along. 

When I think about today's gay youth, I see some who still struggle with the difficulties that I, and so many others, had. But I also see so many young people who are defining the world with new eyes and fewer boundaries. They're evidence of the positive effect we've had on our world, by refusing to live in the shadows.

And they will go on to tell their stories, and those who struggle will become fewer and fewer. More people will realize that we are people, we are somewhere in every family, and we deserve to be treated fairly and with respect.

And soon accept that being gay isn't about what we do in bed, but who we love. 

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Superman (comic-book version)

But, I wanted to be Lois Lane
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Keith

Keith, age 2

Detroit, Michigan (1964)

Believe it or not, I remember the moment, captured in this pic, when I saw "Him" - a dreamy, teenage, male friend of my mother's family. I didn't feel gay or "different" at this time, just in love. And, I'm so glad that I'm dressed quite handsomely in my tie, plaid vest, and penny loafers. To this day, I feel a rush when I look at this pic, which is why I love it so much.

So it's the mid to late 60's, but, unfortunately - I don't have any pictures of me wearing my Mary Poppins hat and trying to fly with my Mary Poppins umbrella. I suppose it was around 1965 that I did sense "different" when I'd hear my parents arguing about the clothes and toys my mother was buying me. 

Closely associated was my constant desire to fly either like Ms. Poppins or
The Flying Nun, which drove my father nuts. 

Then there was Penny Robinson (Angela Cartwright) of "Lost In Space."
I wanted to be her, especially when she was "dropping out" on the planet of teenagers and go-go dancing. Sipping TAB at my parents' bar, I'd be Ann-Marie (Marlo Thomas) of "That Girl" and, whenever I had to dust, I'd imagine I was one of the glamorous, wafting women in the Pledge furniture polish ads.

But the guy who really "wow"-ed me back then was <blush> William Shatner! On the original "Star Trek," when he was paired up with Michael Forest in the 'Who Mourns for Adonais?' episode - I was one happy, tingly, little shaver.

Then the 70's came, and things went dark. Going from happy, little shaver to the object of bullies' anger wasn't easy, but all of us go through bad times throughout our lives. I think the ability to fly away, if even just in my mind, helped me get through and into a better time and place.

Keith's first, famous-person same sex crush:

William Shatner ("Star Trek")
_______________________________________________

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Frank

Frank, age 5

Chicago, Illinois (1961)

My mother would always tell me that I was a smiling and laughing child. Everywhere she took me, people would remark 'What a wonderful laughing baby!' She tells me that I was always curious of the environment around me. And smiling opened doors for me. I remember this photo being taken by a professional photographer who made a house call. I remember having fun "posing". Pick any picture from my formative years, and you'll find me either posing and smiling.

"Move over Madonna - I'm striking a pose"

When I entered 1st grade, I would hold other male students' hands and pretended to be married to them. I was bullied as a child and endured beatings and humiliation. I am grateful that awareness of bullying has come to the forefront.

When the school bell rang at 3:00pm in the afternoon to go home, I would run out the door in order to avoid bullies. Some even waited for me in hallways. I was even suspended from school for ditching Physical Ed.

The principal and powers that be NEVER understood why I ditched school like that.

I was forbidden to play with dolls, but managed to sew outfits for my sister's Barbie. I would hide my creations in a bag and bury them. My bag of sewn creations would come out anytime my parents left the house.

And the man I am today? Born this way and damn proud!

Frank's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Robert Vaughn (in "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.")
Adam West (as "Batman")

___________________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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Randy

Randy, age 4

Flat Rock, Michigan (1964)

I recently found this photo of me holding this glass ornament on my 4th Christmas. By my 6th Christmas, I knew that I was attracted to other boys in a "special" way. In fact, my first crush was in kindergarten! I was also very artistic and not very athletic. And so I created for myself a niche in the social fabric of my childhood: I was nice to everyone, accepted the role as class "Artist" like a haven, and suppressed my innate gay feelings with all my heart.

I was the peacemaker, the peace keeper, the intuitive kid that most of my classmates liked. I made my teachers and parents proud.
I spent my youth watching, and wondering, and waiting - and that's the me I see in this photo.

Today, I am an elementary school teacher, and since 1994 I've worked for a public school district that has the courage to allow me to be openly gay and a teacher.

Everyday, my experiences as a child informs my interactions with the students I teach. In spite of my openness, most people don't assume that I'm gay.

As for the students' parents, they appreciate my generosity, my caring, my pedagogical skills, and my sensitivity to their children's individuality. Each time that I make that connection with a parent, it's a precious epiphany

These are aspects of my abilities that I believe are a direct result of being born gay. And being born this way has been, for me, a gift. As a man, the little boy holding the fragile orb has discovered how truly wonderful his gayness is.

Randy's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Robert Conrad (in "Wild Wild West")

His pants were always tight like leotards!. And those crystal blue eyes...
We're talking major hard-on factory.

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