Ryan

Ryan, age 9

Anaheim, CA (1988)

Here I am, playing dress up at my Grandma Ginger's house. She was an amazing 'actress' type who had closets full of shoes and fur coats that I salivated over.

"I wasn't allowed to actually put her clothes on, but..."

When I wasn't playing with the Hollywood Legends paper dolls she bought me, I was using her sheets to create wrap dresses or long flowing skirts.

And I knew that her Roberto Cavali gowns were off limits.

Looking back on this photo, I find it funny that she cared about the Cavalis and not the shoes my dirty, little feet would slip so delicately into?

After all, aren't a woman's shoes her pride and joy??
Go figure!

My grandma passed away before I came out, but in my heart I know she not only knew, but loved me all the more for it. I think she was also kind of excited for me, and quietly sad that she wouldn't be around to go out and hit the town with me.

When we, as a society, speak about generations and how they're programmed to react to the unfamiliar, the example of my grandma always comes to mind.
I find it a hard sell to say 'generations' just exist like that.

We are ALL individuals - in our gayness, in our straightness, in our open-mindedness. And in our ability to love and accept others. That is the only thing that will set us free!!!
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Bernie

Bernie, age 4

Chicago, Illinois (1948)

One Halloween, our mother dressed up me and my brother Dennis (age 3, on the left) as Carmen Miranda. For those readers unfamiliar with Ms. Miranda, she was a popular Portuguese-born Brazilian singer, actress, and Hollywood film star in the 40's and 50's. She was particularly noted for her signature fruited turban, which my mother tried to emulate in the costumes we wore.

I think she did a pretty good job with my towering turban, long grass skirt, lei, and one of her clutch bags that I used for trick or treating. Most boys this young, of my era, dressed as cowboys or pirates, and I can't imagine that we asked to dress as Carmen Miranda. But we apparently cooperated - lipstick and rouge to boot! - and we look happy with the end result.

At an early age I shied away from competitive sports and much preferred solitary, creative activities like making plaster Disney characters, copper enameling, model kits, wood burning, reading and baking. While I loved making cakes when I was about 9 or 10, I somehow felt that it was an activity that should be kept confined to my immediate family.

I knew something else was going on when I read comics or magazines that had pictures of hunky guys in bathing suits. I would place the tip of my finger over the bathing suit and imagine that these guys were totally naked. I was also smitten with Buster Crabbe who played Flash Gordon in the 50's TV serials. He was later replaced in my heart by Tim Considine, Tommy Kirk, and the other teenage boys acting in film and TV at the time.

I went through grammar school without a girl friend, but in high school did the required amount of dating. On dates, I'd often find the waiter more attractive than the girl I was with. While he wasn't famous back then, Harry (Harrison) Ford lived in my neighborhood. He was in his "hood" phase at the time, and was often out strutting around dressed totally in black. And I thought he was quite sexy. Anyway, by my early 20's, I was going to the gay bars in Chicago.

Around that time, my brother came out to me, and it wasn't long after that our parents learned that they had two gay sons. After a bit of a rocky transition, our parents became very accepting of both of us.

I'm now a retired businessman living in suburban Chicago with my wonderful partner of almost 38 years. We will probably be "civil unionized" this summer, now that Illinois has passed a civil union law. We might also go to Iowa and get married, although we'd much prefer to do so in our own state. 

My brother Dennis, seen in the picture, had a wonderful life. But he was gone too soon, and cut down by AIDS at age 46 in 1993. I wrote a little speech for his memorial service, and in it I made reference to this picture, wondering out loud about my mother saying: 'What was she thinking?'  The audience, my mother and father included, couldn't help but laugh.

Nature versus nurture? I don't think my mother knew in 1948 what the future held for her sons, nor do I think our Carmen Miranda costumes made us gay. But it was still a momentous beginning, don't you think?

Bernie's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Tony Dow (Wally on "Leave It To Beaver")

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Val

Val, age 6
Mexico City, Mexico (1996)

Here I am, and I remember how much I loved to be a Boy Scout. Oops, sorry - I mean Girl Scout! I started to feel I was different in kindergarten, when I just couldn't take my eyes off my female teacher.

In grade school, all I wanted to do was innocently kiss my girl friends. And then, feeling SOOO GOOD when I had my first real kiss with a girl

I used to feel something funny in my stomach while watching movies like "Lost & Delirious" or "The L Word" on TV. 

In closing, I want to say to all young gay kids that it's wonderful to have the gift of loving someone - no matter the gender.

Because it's beautiful to fall in love, and love the soul of that person.

Val's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Sandra Bullock

She is my forever total crush

Glauber

Glauber, age 4
Rio Grande do Norte, Brazil (1994)

Here I am on the phone, pretending to gossip with friends about news and current events. I always had a different way of behaving, and always liked to be near my mother and her friends. And I loved listening to them talk and gossip.

"I love hearing the news!"

By around age 13, I was sure I was "different". Besides the awe I had for my schoolmates, I loved watching "Teletubbies" - and I wanted to be Tinky Winky.

Today, I look at this picture and have a wonderful sense of self pride, because now as an adult, I have the same unique way of showing my personality.

I wish for all young people to understand that being gay is a positive thing about our lives, because it's a way to demonstrate the love of a neighbor.

Long live diversity!


Glauber's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Elton John

And I've always loved his music, too
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Uli

Uli, age 4

London, UK (1983)

I think my Grandmother took this photo, as it’s her high-heels I'm wearing - although I have no real memory of it being taken, or who the girl in the cart is. It's interesting that I’m outside in a public park, parading around in heels so unselfconsciously. I do have memories of scampering around in the bottom of her wardrobe closet. I would find some high-heels and totter around her bedroom, and she'd let me do it. And I remember it was the best fun ever.

My mother showed me this photo when I was 8, and I recall feeling ashamed of it, and thinking how terrible it would be if anyone from school saw it. I wanted the picture buried and kept secret, even if I didn’t understand exactly what it all meant then. So it feels really good to share it here now.

I also played with Barbie dolls at this time, and I loved them. My Mum would take me to a big department store and allow me to pick one that I liked for a special treat. I think it's great that she did that. That kind of story is echoed in a really sweet children's book called "William's Doll" by Charlotte Zolotow.

Playing with these dolls was wonderful, and my first crush was a Ken doll, with his intriguing anatomical protrusion. But it was also a source of unease for me, because I felt on some level, that playing with dolls was wrong.

Also in the pic, check out the length of my hair. I had bright, almost white blond hair as a boy, and with aging hippie parents, they generally kept it long.
I remember women would comment to my Mother that I looked like a girl.

Eventually mum grew concerned with what other people were saying, and took me to the hairdresser to get all my golden locks cut off. Afterward, I remember sitting in front of the mirror at home and crying my heart out - and how she felt terrible. Then, in an effort to butch me up, she made me go to Karate lessons once a week, which I mostly hated. Except that it gave me the chance to hang out with all the class girls during breaks. Where there's a will, there's a way...

In hindsight, I think mum was just trying to prepare me for the real world, to ensure that I had the physical strength to bolster my emotional sensitivity.
And I know that impulse came from her love.

I now work as assistant manager at Gay's The Word – the UK's independent and comprehensive LGBT bookshop. Despite my job, I still think I’m somewhat of a hung-up homo. I've never dragged-up for example, and tend to act in a pretty masculine fashion. And honestly, I can be quite self-conscious about this.

So finding this photo again as a 31 year old has been really good for me.

I'm really proud of that little boy that I used to be, walking around the park in high-heels. And I think I’m going to take a page out of his book from now on, relax, and just be myself.
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Kevin

Kevin, age 5

Lancaster, PA (1988)

It was a cool fall day at the Lancaster train station, I'd done ALL of my chores for 1 month, and it was time for my reward - a trip on a TRAIN to Harrisburg with my mom and my grandmothers. I had my little hat on, knee-high socks under my pants, and saddle shoes. I. Was. Ready! I remember being so excited being all dressed up for such a special treat for me. What little boy doesn't love a cute hat and saddle shoes?

I knew I was gay in elementary school, but didn't come to terms with it until college. Looking back,
I wish I would have strapped on saddle shoes and strutted down the halls of my alma mater with more pride than I did.

Being out and proud now (at age 27) is the best thing that could have happened to me.

I am now a teacher and able to be a role model for my closeted (and not-so-closeted) students in Boston.

And - to this day - I am still in search of the *perfect* saddle shoe!

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Jonathan Taylor Thomas ("Home Improvement")

I loved his bowl-cut hair
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Shannon

Shannon, age 4

New York, New York (1970)

I grew up as an only child, and despite the cheerful smile, I hated sitting for portraits. Why? Because I was forced to wear a dress. My mother secretly wanted a little boy, so she indulged my preference for short hair, hatred of dolls, and passion for anything from the boys' department. Except, of course, when I had my picture taken. At that point, she would make sure I "straightened up" for the event - dressing me in ribbons and feminizing me as best she could. But she already knew that, for me, a frilly dress symbolized hell on earth!

"Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber: The Prequel"

When I was 3 or 4 and started watching TV shows, I became acutely aware of feeling attracted to women. I even had a type! Bossy brunettes.

Suzanne Pleshette was a big crush. I also liked Aneta Corsaut and Marlo Thomas.

And I'd go mad for Elizabeth Montgomery when she played Serena on "Bewitched."

Years later, when "Charlie's Angels" first aired, Farrah and Jaclyn didn’t do it for me - I flipped for Kate Jackson.

Now I’m wondering if this initial typecasting was simply Oedipal fear of my blond, blue-eyed mother.

Later in childhood - particularly my teens - I began to like boys (a little) and reluctantly embraced conventional ideas about femininity. I understood that assuming the role of a typical heterosexual girl offered advantages. People accepted me and liked me if I didn't look different.

Obviously, however, when you aren’t being authentic, the chronic loneliness that comes from knowing how different you are becomes unbearable. Feeling comfortable in your own skin is so critically important; it is just about the most important thing in life. I learned that lesson, eventually.

Not surprisingly, as I tried to adapt to society's concept of femaleness, I also suppressed being gay. I even had a boyfriend in high school, losing my future Gold Star Lesbian status. Although I acknowledged to myself that I wasn't heterosexual, I made a heroic effort to be bisexual. In college, I acted out the reverse cliché: I experimented with men. Ultimately, those years were a regrettable waste of time.

For gay kids out there who are growing up today, feeling different, I would only urge you to be true to yourself, no matter what. I know how difficult it is and you'll be faced with scary, lonely, conflicted emotions. But I promise you that you're not alone. If you find the courage to be open and honest, you'll discover that nothing else compares. It genuinely makes life tolerable.

Only through your truest self can love, pride, confidence, self-respect and self-esteem - all the things you’re hoping for - begin to emerge. These things do surface when you are honest with yourself. Live a real, open, sincere life. Always.

Don’t let the fear-based bigotry and ignorance of this world take away your personal integrity, your self-love, and your love of life.

Don’t waste precious time. Live every moment for yourself, loving yourself.
And everyone who matters will love you in return!
__________________________________________________

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Hiram

Hiram, age 4

Bethany, Connecticut (1972)

I was born the 8th of 9 children and grew up on a farm in Connecticut. In this photo, I'm dressed like a hippie with my younger sister Mary. My family was very Republican, thus the elephant doll. Notice I'm holding the doll, not Mary.

I always knew I was different, and though there wasn't anything I was more proud of, I was also very insecure about being loved by all people.

Whether it was people I wanted as friends or not, I was just sure that everyone needed to love me.

I had an absolutely wonderful childhood due to two loving parents.

Speaking of my family, my mom's brother is also gay. But accepting that I was gay was very traumatic for me, and lead me to look for life's "pain killers."

I had my first "experience" in Boy Scouts with "Jack" when I was 13. I was also infatuated with "Jeff" my high school friend. I guess I was 14 when I first accepted myself, or cried for the first time when I quasi-accepted I might be gay. But I didn't truly come out to myself until I was 26 years old.

Today, I'm a 42 year old man who has been in a loving, monogamous relationship with my man. Actually, this week on January 28, 2011 - we celebrate 15 years together!

I wish I could have been more secure with myself earlier on, as that could have lead me down different roads. But things happen for reason. My man happened for a reason. I love him dearly, and he reminds me it's funny how life flows.

As far as my family is concerned, I am fully loved and my partner is accepted as one of the family.

Hiram's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Michael Landon (on "Little House On The Prairie")

Dan Haggerty ("Grizzly Adams")

I actually brushed my hand against Grizzly when I saw him at a fair when I was about 10. And yes, of course I still think about it!! ;)
___________________________________________________

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Michael

Michael, age 11

Syracuse, NY (1986)

I remember this moment vividly, because it was our 5th grade school photos at our Catholic elementary school. The photographer was a gorgeous man in his 20's, and I was in love for the first time. I was feeling quite fierce that morning, and decided to wear my outfit from last Easter, since it was a big hit.  Overall it was a good day, and the picture speaks for itself.

"5th grade school photo and feeling fierce!"

I did have a pretty terrible childhood with an alcoholic father who left us (twice), and dealt with the taunting of the mean kids. I knew I was gay when I was 5, but didn't have the word to describe what I was feeling.

I really struggled to make sense of it, and kept the secret which was slowly making me insane. I can recall feeling so alone and wondering why I was so different from other kids. 

What really helped me through it all was my best friend Paris, and a song called "Hold On" by Wilson-Phillips.

I would listen to that song EVERY DAY and hope that I would eventually be OK.


All in all, my experiences made me a very strong and fabulous person. I am very happy with who I am and what I offer the world. My core belief is that I am a person of integrity. No one can take that away from me, ever. When I look at this picture now, I feel awesome! I am GAY and I think that is a special gift.

My message to the LGBT youth struggling now, is the same that helped me:

HOLD ON - and know that you are loved, and it gets better.
Reach out and get the support from all of us in the community.

And remember - what you resist, persists.

Michael's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Burt Ward (Robin on "Batman")

Patrick Duffy (in "Dallas")

Scott Baio (in "Joanie Loves Chachi")

Manuel

Manuel, age 3

Oviedo, Spain (1955)

My friends see this pic now and tell me how I remind them of Jane Wyman in All That Heaven Allows. Which flatters me, and perhaps it predicted what would be my future. I always loved Jane Wyman in that movie, and Rock Hudson disguised as the gardener.

"My first day of school"

I was the smallest boy in my catholic school, and all the nuns (even the bad ones) immediately became my 2nd mothers. But they seemed so foreign to me, and I'd ask them questions like: 'Do you eat? Why are you dressed like that? What's going on in your mind?' They adored me, as I was a very nice boy.

Later, I went to work as an actor in children's theater and I'd recite poems standing on a chair. I sang songs, and people said I looked like Pablito Calvo, a famous child prodigy from that era. He was the actor in Marcelino Pan Y Vino, which is a great Spanish film of 1955 (the year of my birth), and a film that I still love.

Another signal of me being gay back then?

I was very into films and movies as a boy, and still am. I still love The Sound Of Music the best, and more recently Douglas Sirk's Melos and Far From Heaven. Julianne Moore is one of my favorite actresses, of course.

But it was the actors who I had crushes on, such as Charlton Heston, Doug McClure, Rock Hudson, George Hamilton, Troy Donahue, Michael Landon, James Franciscus, Robert Wagner, Warren Beatty, Jeffrey Hunter, Richard Harrison, and Stephen Boyd. Whew! :)

While I really didn't have an awareness that I was different as a child, my dreams were clearly telling me something just the opposite.

And it took me very little effort to be completely sure.

Manuel's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Robert Conrad
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Ben

Ben, age 2

Bristol, England (1974)

I was barely able to dress myself when I came across this fairy dress in my godparents' daughter's dressing up box. I'd toddled off on my own while everyone else chatted over a lazy lunch, came back into the room wearing it, and refused to take it off. I remember just loving the colors and how lightweight it was, even though it was the biggest thing I’d ever worn.

Everyone thought it was hilarious, but I remember the laughter being warm and friendly. If only they knew! I love this picture, as it shows me able to go off and explore on my own, and come back to face the world as I really am. I'm still a rebel at heart, and still love fancy dress!

I knew I was gay from about 7 years old, although no one else ever knew until I was 16, and started to date girls. Instinct helped me to come out to those who would be kind and unchallenging towards me, and one by one I did that during High School.

Then, before University, I left to teach in a remote Pakistani village for one year. Selfishly and cowardly, I thought and hoped that my wider 'coming out' might happen that year without me, as if by some bizarre process of remote osmosis. But like many others, I had to do it the painful and brave way.

There followed the usual denial, tears, soul searching and heartache against a backdrop of the UK government's terrifying 'Don’t Die Of Ignorance' anti-AIDS campaign. Everyone seemed to think I’d be dead within a year!

I’m 36 now - healthy and happily married to a gorgeous, strong, and sensitive man. And I'm very grateful for the relative freedoms of the times we live in, especially in the UK. I also have a supportive and loving family.

But there is still so much injustice in the world, and I’m saddened to think that others suffer pain because of love. What a terrible paradox. But there’s no real compromise.

Love has to be worth fighting for, and that is my message for kids facing the turmoil of coming out and falling in love for the first time.

Ben's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Harrison Ford (in "Raiders Of The Lost Ark")

I tell people I was inspired to study Arabic because of "Lawrence of Arabia",
but Indiana Jones was the real reason!
___________________________________________________

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Rafa

Rafa, age 5

Madrid, Spain (1974)

I chose this pic of me at a beach near Valencia (where my family vacationed), because I can look into my eyes and feel the huge barrier I built up in my inner world, and one I thought I was supposed to show to everyone else. It’s not a very natural expression, and one that no small child should be showing on his face.

I remember the ever-present idea of loneliness that seemed to have no end in sight. Knowing I was different - and aware that nobody would approve of what I was feeling - always made me feel alone. And I felt a false certainty that things would remain that way forever.

I can’t claim to have been only incredibly unhappy, because my family loved me and I had a few friends. But as my birthdays went by, the burden of hiding what I felt lead me to feel constantly misunderstood. As a result, I often sought out my own personal place, where I could just be alone and not have to pretend in front of anybody. That’s why I always read or drew or played by myself.

When I was 4 or 5, I was already aware of the fact that I was attracted to men, something "very bad" that I couldn't talk about. I remember watching TV shows like Little House On The Prairie and feeling drawn to the actors, but not to the actresses. And I remember suffering, because I would force myself to not look at other boys. I never tried to do anything with girls at all, but I did force myself to be basically sexless and never give in to my impulses. That turned me into quite an introverted person, as well as a rather unhappy one.

For the gay kids of today feeling different, I say - don’t hide it, no matter how old you are. I know it’s hard and you’ll go through some rough times. But none of that compares to having your childhood and teenage years taken away from you.

Don’t let those years just go up into smoke. Live them for yourself, because the people who truly love you will stay by your side. And though they may have a hard time at first, they will support you in the end.

Love yourself above all else.

PS: I'm married and happy, and out of the closet for 20 years now

Rafa's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Marc Singer ("The Beastmaster") & Maxwell Caulfield ("Grease 2")
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Andrew

Andrew, age 9

Portadown, Northern Ireland (1979)

I always loved the stage – singing, dancing, performing, and fancy costumes. Unable to go to the local Dance School (boys in Ireland didn't dance way back then), I joined my Primary School's "Glee Club." Yes, we had one in Northern Ireland, decades before it became a 21st century phenomenon.

"A 70's Billy Elliott story, except I never became a famous dancer!"

This pic is from out Hans Christian Anderson performance for the school, and I was chosen to play The King from The King's New Clothes  - 'Look at the king, look at the king, the king is in his altogether, now altogether'. Which meant wearing a white vest top, white underpants, and white tights. I couldn't believe my luck!!! I was being allowed to wear all this in front of about 400 children and 30 teachers. Talk about pure bliss and heaven, and being in my element.

Years later, I met up with a teacher who said he'd 'never forget me until the day he died.'  When I asked him why, he replied: 'Me and the staff members witnessed what was probably your first and last erection in public that day! You were so engrossed in your character, you didn't notice a tiny little bulge downstairs'.

Needless to say, I was mortified! But in retrospect, even that couldn't detract from that moment of glory.

Years before this, my grandfather came to my defense by warning my dad to not suppress my "inappropriate" behavior. Which back then included playing with irons and vacuum cleaners, wearing my mum's heels, and pretending to be a majorette. My grandfather assured him that I'd probably outgrow that little "phase".  If only I still wanted to play with real irons and vacuum cleaners now – I wish I hadn't grown out of that. As for the other part? I guess he was wrong!

Alfredo

Alfredo, age 7
San Juan, Puerto Rico (1962)

I'm from the main islands of Puerto Rico, and I grew up among Catholics and conservatives. I became a born again Christian at age 18. I left the island in search of knowledge and freedom and became a Ph.D. in California, among fundamentalists. A sense of protection and guilt kept me in a closeted jail until I became 37 years old. I traveled the world and was very happy.

However, I had a secret, double life in which I searched for freedom and peace. It did not matter how much I did for anyone. No one seemed to be happy enough to give me peace.

Why?

Since age 4, I knew I was attracted to men, but I couldn't say it.

French actor Alain Delon made me crazy everytime I saw his picture in a magazine.

But the world around me was not tolerant, so I had to keep quiet. The world around me would kill me for being gay, and I knew that as a child. And so it went. 

I was also attracted to the Catholic priests at my school. They were missionaries from the United States. A sense of guilty pleasure came to my heart each time I was at Mass. Therefore, Church became my refuge. But can you not see how sad my eyes were? Each time I look at my school pictures, I remember exactly how lonely I felt and how aware I was of my uniqueness.

My last attempt to find peace was my missionary journey to Japan. Oddly enough, rejection and intolerance was the response I got from friends whenever I spoke about my struggle. And oddly enough, my best friends were Christian missionaries and pastors.

Have you ever been in the same kind of jail? I was, until the wonderful day upon returning to my island - the same wonderful day I fell in love at 37. It took my mother a weekend of tears to deal with it. But it only took my aunts two minutes to tell me, 'We all knew. Be happy.'  And so I have been since then.

14 years have passed, and I am free, happy, and full of love and peace. Did I change? Not really. I live the same way I used to live. I do the same things, go to the same places, but I am the freest man in the world. I have allowed myself to love and be loved.

As for Alain Delon? Well, thanks to YouTube I can see him every day, if I want. Thanks to life and freedom, I have my own Alain Delon.

There is no better way than one's own way. There's nothing better than waking up to life, on my path as the one person who needs words of love, encouragement, and peace. It reminds me that although as a child I was afraid, as an adult - I can make a difference.

If you're still in "jail," make sure you're out to yourself, and talk to many of us that are willing to listen and share. There is an Alain Delon waiting for you, too.

Alfredo's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Alain Delon
________________________________________________

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Soraida

Soraida, Age 8

Odessa, TX (1996)

I'm on the right in my pic, and I always seemed to have my hands in my pockets or hidden behind my back, as if I was uncomfortable around everyone. But in reality, it was because I always felt different, like I didn't belong in any certain group. I never fit in with the boys, and especially never with the girls.

"Always trying to hide, and hide who I was, from everyone"

I was always really shy when talking to females. I've always felt different since birth.

Later on between the ages of 10 and 12, I realized it was because of my sexual orientation.

At this age the thing that ruled me more  - and still does - is music. I really liked making my mom play me old classic rock albums or Metallica CD's every weekday, as she drove my sister and I to work.


My message to young gay and lesbian children and young adults now is:
Do not be afraid to be who you are.

It's always important to realize you're living this life for you, and not anyone else. So never let anyone try to burn out your light. It's the only true way for you to love yourself, your family, your friends, and most of all - the person you'll one day become.

Soraida's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Melanie C. (Spice Girls)
I'd much rather look at pictures of her,

instead of the the boys from N*Sync, like my sister did.