Katy

Katy, age 1

Des Moines, IA (1957)

This photo shows me on my first birthday. My Great Aunt Dee was trying to indoctrinate me into the joys of being a girl. Even back then, I was dubious.

I knew I was different from others at a very early age. By the time I was 3, I was obsessed with gender. I would puzzle out who was a boy and who was a girl, and try to figure out where I fit in.

In the 1950's, gender roles were very clearly defined, and I didn't feel comfortable wearing dresses and doing girly things. But I didn't really want to be a boy, either. I figured there must be a 3rd gender that was half-boy and half-girl, and that's what I was.

I was always looking for others like me - and I found them. I was fascinated by a woman I once saw who smoked a pipe. She was one of us. I adored Mary Martin in the role of "Peter Pan." She was one of us, too.

But I found my true kindred spirit in a children's book my mother used to read to me. It was the character Christopher Robin in A.A. Milne's Winnie The Pooh series. In my 3-year old mind, he was the quintessential 3rd gender.

Plus he had two names: Christopher was a boy's name, and Robin was a girl's name. The illustrations showed him with long, curly hair and dressed in what looked to me like girl's clothes. He also wore Mary Jane shoes, just like the ones
I wore to Sunday school. And yet in the book, Christopher Robin was always referred to as "he."

Whenever my mother read one of the books to me, I'd ask:

"Is Christopher Robin a boy or a girl?"
"A boy," she'd respond
"Then why does he look like a girl?" I'd ask

I was hoping that this time she'd tell me he was both boy and girl.
But she never said that. She always had the same reply:

"Because he's from England."

It wasn't quite the answer I had wanted. But it at least gave me hope, that somewhere there was a place where I could find people that were like me.

Also check out "My First Gay Crush Blog"

Steve

Steve, age 3

Rochester, NY (1957)

I don't remember this Halloween at all, and can't imagine why my mother would put me in my sister's dress like that. But it was some foreshadowing, for sure.

I think I knew I had feelings for men around age 8. I liked my male teachers much better than the women. Not having a father figure made me look elsewhere for that male companionship.

At 12, I felt much more mature than other guys my age. I had major crushes on all cute boys, and many of the pop culture icons of the day.



The only movie images of gay men in the late 60's and early 70's were either evil villains who had to be killed, or swishing effeminate guys who were jokes. So I hid out, deep in the closet. From around age 13 to 16, I knew for certain I was different, and dreaded being gay and outed.

I only dared to have sex very discreetly, while keeping up the image of an All-American, straight jock. It wasn't till college that I really explored gay life in NYC, which then meant horrid gay-theater encounters and other closeted men.

I moved to San Francisco in 1978, and that finally allowed me to re-invent myself as a gay man. Since then I've blossomed into the person I wanted to be.

Gay youth today have it infinitely better than my generation did.
And they should take every advantage of the groundwork we laid for them.

Steve's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Bobby Sherman (singer/actor)

Kevin

Kevin, age 4

Akron, Ohio (1959)

Here, my older sisters dressed me up in their clothes, put me up front, and my dad took this picture. Looking back, a couple of things strike me about it. First, sisters are probably always wanting to dress up something or someone, like dolls or brothers, but most 3-year-old boys wouldn't allow it. Second, I struck a pose that gives it all away. I'm thankful my dad found the camera and actually took the picture, without protesting or objecting.

And notice my sisters weren't dressed nearly as pretty as I was!


I first knew I was "different" at 3-years old. I have a vivid memory of being in the back of my dad's '55 Buick station wagon, and seeing a really old man sitting on the ground in front of a building in downtown Akron, Ohio.

For some reason, I knew he had something I lacked, and I wanted it from him before he died. Turns out, that something I was missing was heterosexuality. That's a big word for a small kid, and I'm not saying that I knew exactly what was going on at that moment. But I do know that I felt different than my dad, brothers, or other men in general.

It was a sad moment for me, but it was the beginning of my knowing and understanding myself. I always knew down deep that I was different or gay, but I finally came out to myself and others at age 25.

And now, my life is good. I have a partner of 7 years, and 2 sons I adopted as infants, who are now 12 and 10 years old. I am out at work and everywhere I go. I don't believe in the closet - it's too stressful.

If others don't like me because I am gay, that's their problem. I already went through the self-acceptance process long ago -- starting with this picture of me in a dress!!!

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Don Grady (Robbie on "My Three Sons")

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Charles

Charles, age 4
Arlington, MA (1954)

Well, here I am, 4-years old and holding on to my neighbor and best friend. Discovery was key to our relationship. Catholicism might have kept me distant from the inevitable, but the hunger was real...

Later, with my "new boyfriend" I was deliciously tormented while trying to hide my delicate naked self.

It was while changing from my swimwear into street clothes, one hot summer day at the reservoir. Oh how my neighbor BFF went crazy over that!

But I wanted to be seen, and be shared. And anything else that might have helped all this pent up, 4-year-old frustration.

"I can see your pecker!" he cried.
All this while chasing me around a lifeboat in the changing area. Sigh

And damn, I'm pushing some major basket in this shot!

Maureen

Maureen, age 9

Pasadena, California (1957)

I'm here on the right with my BFF Cheryl, who I realized much later, was my "girlfriend". We're snuggled up together here, and we used to hug and kiss every time we met. At our age in that era, people thought it was "cute". I really loved her, and asked my folks if we could adopt her, even though she had parents.

She was my first real "crush" - and though I didn't know why, the way I loved her was "different". Several years later, my next crush in high school was recognized for what it was by the nuns. And my parents got a letter informing them that my classes had been changed, due to an "inappropriate friendship," and my dad didn't know what that meant.

But here, with Cheryl, I knew I was in love and it felt wonderful.

In the 1950's, no one used the word "gay" yet, and I didn't know what a "homosexual" was. But I usually had at least one "girl-crush" every school year. And by the time I was in 9th grade, in an all-girls Catholic school, all the girls would get together and giggle about boys - and I would be looking at them.

Today, as I look at this photo, I wish what I felt then had been recognizable and accepted. After a marriage, kids, abuse, and a nervous breakdown, I finally came out to myself and others at age 48. At that time, I had met the love of my life, and she was a transgendered woman.

Now, I am a Witch and a Unitarian Universalist. My church recognizes same-sex unions, so I married my wife 15 years ago. Today, I am happily settled with my life partner, openly gay, and Pagan. And with children (from the first, disastrous marriage) and grandkids who love and accept Mamo and Nana for who they are.

After all the angst I experienced, I would like to tell gay kids that it definitely gets better.

Maureen's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Audrey Hepburn
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Grace

Grace, age 5

Manila, Philippines (1952)

I'm sitting on the bike, and that's my sister with me. And they really tried to "girl" me up by making us dress alike with fluffy dresses. But I was happiest dressed in jeans, or - as you can see here - in my underwear!

I've always been a little tomboy. There were mostly boys in my family, and besides my sister,
I played with the boys.

I was the oldest child, and when we played war I was the General, when we played cowboys, I was the Sheriff.
I didn't like dolls for presents, and I loved guns, tools, and building toys like erector sets.

My family didn't think anything of how I was. At least I don't think so. They did try to make me more lady-like by sending me to a local finishing school,
to learn to walk properly, and put on makeup, etc.

I actually like this picture now, because it confirms me. 

Grace's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Suzanne Pleshette

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Barbara

Barbara, age 4
W. Nebraska (1955)

Hello and thanks for this great project!

My name is Barbara, and this photo was taken in western Nebraska.

At this point in my life, I was still waiting for Peter Pan to show up and repair the mistaken gender assignment I got at birth. And, turn me back into the boy I truly was.

A few years later my Aunt Lillian, dressed in a spangled cowboy shirt and a very cool hat, swooped me up onto her horse, and I relented on my wish to be a boy.

Girls were cowboys too, but smelled better.

Barabara's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Peggy Fleming (Olympic figure skater)

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Jay

Jay, age 5
South Bend, IN (1954)

I was a very imaginative kid. I enjoyed role playing, but was not a born thespian. It was the single image/pose that captured a moment/attitude that I employed - as shown here. In this photo, I think I was channeling Rita Hayworth and other glamor girls I'd seen in magazines. At that age, no one in my family minded my "dress up" or "pretending".

But, in high school, attitudes toward my "ambivalence" had changed, and my parents made me join the swim-team, and play football. Having endured those episodes with great pain (mostly psychological), I decided to start dating girls to escape the family "sports requirement."

And that worked quite well, freeing me of parental pressure, and I viewed it as a path to "normalcy" and acceptance.

This, in spite of the fact that I'd been sexually attracted to men since I was 9. And I remember those moments in the swim-team showers to this day!

Many years - and many heartaches - later, I separated from my wife of 10 years and "came out". Fortunately, she was very understanding, and aside from a few years of nearly unendurable self-guilt, there was no exterior punishment. It was something I got past - and thank God for my art!

I often wonder how much more open and comfortable my life would have been without these experiences. But, I also feel that my life experiences made me the artist I am today. And, the whole person who had a 26-year gay relationship (ending in his death), and now a new, 5-year-and-counting wonderful gay relationship.

Self acceptance can be a long hard path. But the earlier you start down that path, the more pleasant and rewarding your journey is likely to be.

Manuel

Manuel, age 3

Oviedo, Spain (1955)

My friends see this pic now and tell me how I remind them of Jane Wyman in All That Heaven Allows. Which flatters me, and perhaps it predicted what would be my future. I always loved Jane Wyman in that movie, and Rock Hudson disguised as the gardener.

"My first day of school"

I was the smallest boy in my catholic school, and all the nuns (even the bad ones) immediately became my 2nd mothers. But they seemed so foreign to me, and I'd ask them questions like: 'Do you eat? Why are you dressed like that? What's going on in your mind?' They adored me, as I was a very nice boy.

Later, I went to work as an actor in children's theater and I'd recite poems standing on a chair. I sang songs, and people said I looked like Pablito Calvo, a famous child prodigy from that era. He was the actor in Marcelino Pan Y Vino, which is a great Spanish film of 1955 (the year of my birth), and a film that I still love.

Another signal of me being gay back then?

I was very into films and movies as a boy, and still am. I still love The Sound Of Music the best, and more recently Douglas Sirk's Melos and Far From Heaven. Julianne Moore is one of my favorite actresses, of course.

But it was the actors who I had crushes on, such as Charlton Heston, Doug McClure, Rock Hudson, George Hamilton, Troy Donahue, Michael Landon, James Franciscus, Robert Wagner, Warren Beatty, Jeffrey Hunter, Richard Harrison, and Stephen Boyd. Whew! :)

While I really didn't have an awareness that I was different as a child, my dreams were clearly telling me something just the opposite.

And it took me very little effort to be completely sure.

Manuel's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Robert Conrad
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Jerome

Jerome, age 8

Groesbeck, Texas (1959)

We didn't have the word "gay" when I was a child, we only had the word "sissy!"
Thanks to my older sister's movie magazines in the late 1950's, I was obsessed with Hollywood glamour. Here, in this photo, I think I'm emulating either Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, or Mamie Van Doren - perhaps all three!

Growing up "special" in a tiny, rural Texas town wasn't easy.

But thanks to "The Rifleman" TV show and those sparkly dresses in the fashion shows on "Queen For A Day," I survived.

Through the years when I've come across this photo, I would cringe.

But now, some 50 years after it was taken, I find it charming.

Self-acceptance at last!


Jerome's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Ty Hardin (on "Bronco")

Johnny Crawford (on "The Rifleman")
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Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Alan

Alan, age 7

London, UK (1957)

Here I am on Christmas day, front and centre next to my favourite aunt, with my parents looking rather glum at the rear. My first memorable activity was what my uncle termed 'Picking apples' - my ballet dance, with my  arms in the air. Then singing in a talent contest at age 4, which was a song about the Queen's Coronation. The first birthday present I remember wanting at age 4, was a tea set, and I recall making tea with it for mom.

I also enjoyed cooking with mom - much to dad's chagrin. Around 5, I wanted to see The King & I and Oklahoma. My favorite aunt had all the Rogers & Hammerstein LP's, which I knew by heart by the age of 10.

Crushes on boys began at 6, and although I wasn't aware what it was all about, I knew I wanted their closeness. I loved sharing a changing cubicle with a friend I swam with at elementary school. I was hopeless at team sports (still can't throw or catch), and was always picked last for any team. So I spent my time playing make-believe or chatting with the girls.

In the 60's in the Essex UK suburbs, I had no clue what being gay was. I just presumed (and yet somehow seriously doubted) that these crushes would eventually fade. And that all would fall into place, that I'd marry a girl and have kids etc. But I distinctly recall the moment a friend told me what "gay" was - and I was really worried.

Could this be my fate? I knew it was, but I spent the next decade trying to be like everyone else, hiding my real self and feeling totally alone.

My deliverance came with my move to Canada, ostensibly to study but really to make a complete break and find my true self. Thankfully, by 1972 Gay Liberation had already taken root there. I plucked up my courage and I went to one of the meetings on campus. Home at last!

I met my present partner in Montreal in 1973 and the rest is history.
We married in 2007 - after 34 years of living in sin!

Alan's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Cary Grant (in "An Affair To Remember") & Ty Hardin

Kevin

Kevin, age 4
Decatur, Illinois (1958)

In my photo, I had been "helping" my Mom in the kitchen, and there were a couple of oranges handy. So I slipped them under my T-shirt just goofin' around. In the background is a photo of me in a more typical '50's cowboy getup.

I'm as gay as a goose, but I've done drag only twice, on Halloween. So this moment wasn't a precursor of anything but my basic outlook on life - which is to have fun, and don't take yourself too seriously.

I think I first figured out I might be attracted to other boys around 5th grade or so, but I distinctly remember early TV crushes on Wally ("Leave It To Beaver") and Robby ("My 3 Sons"). They were so cute. I liked older boys, to be sure.

But later in life, my attractions got a bit more erratic! :)

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Tony Dow (Wally on "Leave It To Beaver")
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Don

Don, age 10

Hicksville, NY (1959)

"Door opener"

Seeing myself on the car roof, it appears that I’m camping it up. I was always quite the entertainer. Whether this was the signs of being gay or just my personality, I can’t really say for sure.

Later, in high school (Billy Joel was in my class), I would become a thespian in the dramatic society to further indicate my “dramatic” flair.

At school dances when all the other boys were afraid to ask the girls to dance, I was the first on the floor.

I liked playing with my girl friend next door & seeing who could diet the best since I was a chubby kid.

I also remember liking the “Sons Of Hercules” show on Saturday mornings and feeling very guilty to the point that when my parents would enter the living room, I quickly switched the channel to cartoons until they went to the kitchen - then I would resume my pleasure.

Looking back at this, they probably wouldn't have cared one way or another, but my instincts told me it was “wrong”. I didn’t officially come out until 1979, but always admired the school gymnasts & the older Boy Scouts in my troop.

When I moved to Chicago in 1975, it was a Playboy Bunny, of all people, to befriend me & take me to my first gay bar. What an experience! I’ve been enjoying it ever since!

Don's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Steve Reeves (bodybuilder and TV's "Hercules")
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Richard

Richard, age 6 

Long Island, New York (1955)

This photo was shot in the enclosed back porch of my parents' house. Check all the kitschy '50's furniture, fabric patterns, and light shade. And there's me, posing with the vase of flowers, picked freshly from our yard. Look at that toothy smile and long eyelashes. I always wanted to be posing with flowers, or dressed in colorful clothes.

"See my beautiful flowers?"

And I just wasn't like the other boys, plain and simple. I hated sports, was never any good at them, always picked last to play on a team at forced physical education baseball in school.

And, constantly made fun of in the schoolyard. The bullies chased me around, called me names, and occasionally beat me up.

My real first friends were the girls in the suburban neighborhood where we grew up. 

Playing with dolls together? THAT was fun, and much to my parents chagrin and disappointment.

I'm sure all the kids knew I was different, though gay was not a word in our vocabulary back then in the 1950's. I think the verb to describe my activity back then was prancing. I pranced around a lot from place to place, room to room.

When I came home from school and would absolutely not go out to play ball with the boys, I usually stayed inside and hung out with my Russian-born, non-English speaking Jewish grandmother. She taught me how to cook and not be fearful of the kitchen and its utensils and stove. When my mom had friends over for card games, which was regularly, I served the little sandwiches she'd made and also the drinks.

Without a doubt, I always knew I was gay. But without ever knowing that word. From about age 5, I remember feeling this attraction to some of my older brother's male friends and my older male cousins. I think my first real 'crush' was on Peter Pan, though little did I know it was the actress Mary Martin playing a boy - talk about gender confusion?!

Watching that historic live telecast of the musical in black & white in 1955, I was mesmerized. And I remember feeling something like love and lust for that 'boy in tights' flying around on TV and singing his heart out, who would 'never grow up'.

Richard's first, famous-person same sex crush:

George Reeves (TV's "Superman")

I think there's a tights theme here? A few years later my first real heartthrob was Richard Chamberlain as "Dr. Kildare"

Rich

Rich, age 10
Queens, NY (1956)

I’m in the back wearing glasses. I was 10, and the bike was a lovely color red.
I remember that my parents gave me a choice that year of either having a birthday party, or getting a bike for Christmas. I chose the bike. I’m not sure who I was posing with, maybe Butch from around the block. I don’t know why he’s holding my bike, but it did leave me free to hold him. 

Gertz Department Store had a kids club, which showed movies a few times a year and gave out prizes. The film was always Tarzan with Johnny Weissmuller, and I really loved watching him all but naked swinging through the trees.

I don't remember a time when I didn’t feel just a bit different, a little tentative, or a bit unsure. But I also knew I was kind of special, even if others didn’t know or recognize that.

Rich's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Johnny Weissmuller ("Tarzan")
I still have a movie still of him hanging in my bedroom

Joe

Joe, age 4 months
Montgomery, AL (1955)

I am the baby in this picture, 2nd from the left. We are sitting on a Victorian settee that I still have half a century later. In this picture I am just a few months old, but look how happy I am surrounded by my three handsome older brothers.

"Boys, boys boys...."

Three weeks after I was born, my Mother wrote a letter to my Aunt.
I still have the letter, and it is precious to me, because one sentence reads:

'The boys are just crazy about him.'  Mothers always know.

I knew I was different at a very young age, but didn't know what to call it.
I took that common (at the time) venture into marriage, like many in my generation did. I guess I should have listened to Mama.

I was in the 4th grade when The Beatles became popular. I was hooked. I had a Beatles wig and some John Lennon sunglasses. I wanted to be John Lennon - so I could be next to George Harrison.

Joe's first, famous-person same sex crush:

George Harrison

Hilton

Hilton, age 7

Litchfield, IL (1953)

"Prim and proper"

I was beating most of the girls at jax in my class - I preferred that to sports.

I first knew I was gay about this age.

I had a crush on my best friend, Robin, and I just wanted to be close to him physically.
I thought about him a lot

Looking back at this picture, I wish gayness had been in the culture at large then, so I would have known it wasn't just me that was that way.

Hilton's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Elvis Presley & Leonard Bernstein