Brian

Brian, age 5

Columbus, OH (1972)

In this photo I'm engaging in one of my early childhood's favorite activities: dancing in my grandmother's high heels. I would sneak into her closet and emerge wearing my favorite pair - her black patent-leather pumps.

"Step, 2, 3, 4 - Turn, 2, 3, 4"

That's my little brother who I'm showing the ropes - and sharing those favorite shoes.

I don't recall this particular moment, but the script usually went like this:

'Hey, do it this way.
Step, 2, 3, 4 - turn, 2, 3, 4.'
(I was a little bossy. They called me the Mother Hen).

My mother informed me we were at my grandmother's house, and it's probably her holding the camera, encouraging us at every turn and laughing - much to my father's dismay.

In the next shot, my brother and I are smiling for the camera; my brother's grin fittingly shy, but I'm mugging like a Hollywood bigshot.

Soon came other distractions, like baseball (yeah!) and football (hated it!) and soccer (yaaawn), and Scouting (the organization AND the boys). But by 13,
I was refusing to play catch with my father and I quit the Boy Scouts after I heard an older, bracingly handsome Eagle Scout call someone a 'fag'.
That was that for me, and I wanted out.

I've always known that I'm solely attracted to men. Always. My earliest memory is of a good friend of my parents named Luke. Or, more accurately, his hairy forearms. An odd thing for a 5-year-old to recall, to be sure.

I'm the middle son of 3 boys. Surely my father (an Air Force enlistee) thought he'd hit the genealogical jackpot with my brothers and me. Just think of it: three chances to pass on the family name! Little did he know that none of us would grow up to produce any children.

Incidentally though, I'm the only gay child in the family.

I love this photo of me and my brother. It makes me laugh, and I was such a free spirit. I still am, thanks in large part to the love and support of the women in my life, notably my mother and my grandmother.

Brian's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lance Kerwin (from "James At 15")

Lee Majors ("The Six-Million Dollar Man")
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Michael

Michael, age 4

Pittsburgh, PA (1961)

Here I am at Christmastime. Pictured with me is my first of many phonograph players and the beginning of a lifelong love of music, and the desire to play records to an audience. In this case, the family gathering for Christmas day. I'd like to say that I am well dressed because I had the fashion gene at that age - but that was actually my mom's doing. 

Although my family didn't always understand why I was not like most kids, they never stopped me from my interests and pursuits. That included buying lots of records, always wanting a better record player, and then a tape recorder/player. I never have DJ'd professionally, but when I was in my 40's, I started to do weddings, private parties, and a 5-year stint as the in-house DJ at a gay male resort in West Virginia.

I've been very lucky.

I have a family that has always been supportive of my differences in general, and as well as my sexual preference. 

Michael's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Burt Reynolds (in his Playgirl centerfold)

Ralph

Ralph, age 11

Quito, Ecuador (1966)

I love this picture. I was happy back then as I am now, 44 years later. I've been with my husband since 1989, and he mentioned the pic when we saw this blog.

Now, about the pic:

I'd been trying to tell my mom about a coquettish woman I'd seen at the pool we used to go to.

I couldn't describe her, so I said:
'Here, I'll show you.'

I undressed down to my undies, wrapped a towel around my chest, and put my Boy Scout scarf over my head. I pranced around the room until my dad, who was laughing out loud, took the picture.

My earliest recollection of crushes on celebrities were Sebastian Cabot & Edward Mulhare - as Capt. Daniel Gregg in "The Ghost & Mrs. Muir."

As a kid, I loved watching TV shows like "Family Affair" and "Leave It To Beaver" and I've always had a thing for hirsute men. My husband is a bear!

I knew I was different at about age 14. I could not name exactly what it was, but my classmates picked up on it, and I was teased and bullied a lot. Sometimes painfully so. I did not truly come out until I was 21.

The one thing I would like to tell young gay people is:
Embrace and own your uniqueness!

Ralph's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Sebastian Cabot (Mr. French on "Family Affair")

Jerome

Jerome, age 8

Groesbeck, Texas (1959)

We didn't have the word "gay" when I was a child, we only had the word "sissy!"
Thanks to my older sister's movie magazines in the late 1950's, I was obsessed with Hollywood glamour. Here, in this photo, I think I'm emulating either Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, or Mamie Van Doren - perhaps all three!

Growing up "special" in a tiny, rural Texas town wasn't easy.

But thanks to "The Rifleman" TV show and those sparkly dresses in the fashion shows on "Queen For A Day," I survived.

Through the years when I've come across this photo, I would cringe.

But now, some 50 years after it was taken, I find it charming.

Self-acceptance at last!


Jerome's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Ty Hardin (on "Bronco")

Johnny Crawford (on "The Rifleman")
______________________________________________

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Robbie

Robbie, age 5

Cleveland, OH (1971)

This picture was taken on our annual men-only fishing trip to the Ontario Lakes. I went on this trip with my grandfather, father, brother and some uncles and cousins until I was 8 or 9, when I refused to go - and was never asked again. We traveled with coolers of food and drinks, and fishing guides to carry them, so there was no practical reason for me to wear that canteen. Maybe it’s an early sign of the aggressive self-sufficiency that I used to deflect attention from myself, my needs, and my perplexing desires from the time I was about 9. Or maybe it just shows a sad weakness for accessories.

It wasn’t easy to get me to stand & pose for this picture, as you can see from my half-smile and the impatient tilt of my head. In these albums, there are no pictures of me mugging for the camera or insouciantly holding a fish the way my brother and cousins did.

I would have rather been at home in Cleveland, reading a book or playing with my Legos.

I work a little with teens in my job. A few are headstrong gay kids who make their way to the Gay & Lesbian Center and other organizations. I envy these kids, the supportive environments they find, and the peers they meet.

A lucky few of these gay kids might even have adolescences that somewhat resemble the ones that straight kids have.

But I also meet gay kids (at least I think they’re gay) at the other end of the spectrum. Pain radiates off these kids and it takes me back to my own adolescent pain. Part of me wants to give them a hug and tell them things I wish I had understood back then. Mainly, that the feelings they’re so anxious about are perfectly normal and can't be separated from them.

But it's not my place to talk to them in this way, and it would probably freak them out or do some damage, so I keep the brochure rack filled and hope they figure stuff out.

The first time a male body made my mind go blank with hunger was an episode of the Six Million Dollar Man where Steve Austin was laid out on an examining table by some aliens, covered only by what seemed to be a dishtowel. I was about 10. Among boys closer to my age, I divided my attention between Peter Brady and Bud from "Flipper." Nearly all of my real-life boyfriends and crushes have been skinny, dark-haired guys or stocky redheads.

So maybe the real question is: TV - nature or nurture?

Robbie's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lee Majors ("The Six Million Dollar Man")

Patrick

Patrick, age 11

Niagara Falls, NY (1968)

I loved school photo day and the opportunity that it brought to break out of the uniform white or blue shirt with navy tie. Looking back, this year seemed to be a turning point - in all the school pix previous to this, my hair was full of cowlicks. During high school, I used to go to the men's salon for a wash and blow-dry before all the big events, like semi-formals & proms. How gay is that?

"God, I wish I still had that hair"

Growing up, many of my friends were girls. At a birthday party - Ooh, another chance to dress up! - where the boys and girls were expected to sit at same-sex tables for cake. The hostess suggested several times that I sit at the boys' table. It didn't happen.

How gay is that?

I recently played the When/What Was Your First Concert? game with some colleagues.

Mine? Liza Minnelli, 9th grade. OMG! How gay is that? I also saw Bette Midler in 10th grade, but Elton John had to wait ‘til I was a freshman in college.

It wasn't until I moved to a large East Coast city after college that I started my coming out. And you know what? It turns out that just about everyone knew I was gay! Why didn't someone say something sooner?

I always felt different from the rest and muddled through as best I could. While I learned that self-imposed isolation could protect me from some types of harassment, I don't recommend it as an effective tool for the long haul, especially these days.

Talk about it.  Somebody will listen. 

Patrick's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Luke Halpin (Sandy on “Flipper”)

Race Bannon (on "Jonny Quest")

I guess I had a thing for blonds. But crushing on a male cartoon character? OMG! How gay is THAT?

Andrew

Andrew, age 5

Toronto, Canada (1973)

I don’t seem to have any photos that, through behavior, reveal my gay nature, which I believe to be reflective of the somewhat oppressive era I grew up in. But that does not mean I didn’t know it.  My sexual identity has always been there, even present in my earliest memories - where I was far too young for it to have been learned.

"Monty on the left, me on the right"

This is my first and favorite class picture. I had an innocent little crush on Monty, the boy on the left.  He was so hip and had a cool name and awesome hair, while I had some uneven home haircut job and a boring name. It seemed like every other kid was named Andy. I remember being so excited that I got to stand beside him, and hold his hand for the class photo.

At this time I felt exactly as I was supposed to feel - happy and silly and carefree. I just happened to think boys were kinda groovy. But I was aware enough to know that it was not OK to feel that way, so I never talked about it. And I made sure I didn’t act it, and even had a girlfriend in the class. 'Cuz that’s what I thought boys were expected to do. And apparently, overcompensate. Honestly, I was 5 – I don’t think any other kid was quite so fussed about their gender role.

I just assumed that I'd ignore my feelings, grow up, and get married like everybody else. I maintained that facade for many years until I fully understood the magnitude and emptiness of that choice. I accepted that I could choose my words and actions, but could not change how I felt – how I was BORN to feel.

I look at this photo with awe that such an innocent, distant memory can remain so vivid and intimate in my mind. And that the subsequent years of suppression are elusive and forgotten.

I am far closer to this little guy than to the stoic silhouette who stood in for me while I learned that we should not have to deny who we are to fulfill someone else’s agenda.

Andrew's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Robert Fuller (on "Emergency!")

He was ruggedly handsome, had fabulous sideburns, a gruff exterior and sexy voice. I didn’t particularly like the show. I think I was too young, but I watched it frequently for some reason. I can’t imagine why.

Noel

Noel, age 4

Glendale, CA (1990)

“Don't just stand there, let's get to it...
Strike a pose, there's nothing to it”

In a Latin family consisting mainly of outgoing women, I'd say growing up was pretty fun. My parents let me pick out my outfits when we shopped, and I had plenty of older girl cousins who let me join in their fun.

At an early age, I had a talent for putting outfits together and posing for pictures.

I'd often be confused for a girl since my name was so androgynous and I had long eyelashes. But all I ever cared for was dancing and singing to Madonna.

I joined a choir at age 5, which didn’t help things, and gave me a legitimate reason being the center on attention.

I would be asked at parties and church gatherings to sing and dance, which I gladly jumped at the opportunity to do, and I actually became pretty good.

Which led to filming several commercials, singing for TV shows, and some voice-over work with Disney. I was traveling and booking gigs for just being myself, and it was the best part of my childhood.

During middle school, my family had moved and things became a little harder - but high school was a breeze. I attended a private boarding arts academy, which made things a little easier. Knowing that I had a supportive and open family at home made me pretty strong, when dealing with other kids, and the hurtful things they would say.

I uploaded this picture on Facebook and all my friends said it pretty much sums up my personality. I got funny comments posted like: 'Noel, this pic is too cute!!! And so fitting for you! But didn't you wear that last weekend?'
If only Ralph Lauren still made sailor jumpsuits - LOL!

I look at this picture now, and I can't help but smile and think of all the amazing memories I have growing up. I'm thankful to have such loving parents, who loved me for being myself.

Noel's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Ryan Phillippe (in "Cruel Intentions")
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Todd

Todd, age 4

Hollywood, California (1967)

I've seen home movies of me as a small boy, fearlessly singing and dancing for the family. My parents thought I had enough charisma to be on TV, so they took me to Hollywood to get some headshots done. All I can remember is that I was breathless traveling to Tinseltown, because I was certain that we would run into Ginger from "Gilligan’s Island."

“My parents thought I had the pizazz to make it in showbiz”

We didn't see Ginger, but I did meet Grandpa Munster (Al Lewis) at Universal Studios. And I cried for hours, because he was green and old and kissed me on the cheek.

Putting that tragedy behind me, I continued to perform and got my big break at an audition for Ron Moody's production of "OLIVER!"

Walking into the space at the Ahmanson Theater in Downtown LA, and seeing all the other little boys who loved to sing and dance - I thought I was in Heaven.

Around the same time, I had a Technicolor dream that could have been directed by artist Ed Ruscha: I was at a gas station and the terrifically tall & tan attendant came out sans shirt, and picked me up and held me tight against his chest. This time, I really was in Heaven (at least in my dreams).

Around 13, I was seriously concerned about going to Hell. I had a growing obsession with a clandestine collection of "dirty" Playgirl, spending endless hours fascinated by naked "older" men. Searching for a cure, I decided to get baptized.

I burned my magazines on the backyard Hibachi and listened for hours to 18-year-old Elder Fiddle, a spiritual guide who told me baptism could get me into Heaven. I thought God would take care of the gay, and I could move on.

After Elder Fiddle dunked me, I emerged from the water thinking everything would be different. But when we went back to the changing room together, my spiritual guide was compelled to strip down buck naked and stand in front of me.

At my height, I had never seen anything more beautiful. And I remember thinking, 'Well, THAT didn't work.'

I bided my time until I was 18 and fled to New York City, where I fell in love with a classmate on the dancefloor at Studio 54. We were together for 8 years, but I didn’t come out until my mid-20's. It was then that I moved to the other side of the camera, discovering that I had more talent writing and directing, instead of performing. As we all know, a first love is a mixture of Heaven AND Hell, and I learned a lot about life, myself, and my desires.

I have now been with the man of my dreams for 20 glorious years, and I can say with confidence and a clear conscience: I never knew Heaven could speak.

Todd's first, famous-person same sex crush:
Jeff Bridges (in "Rancho Deluxe" & "Hearts Of The West")
______________________________________________

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Martin

Martin, age 2

Fullerton, NE (1966)

I love this picture, and it hangs in my parents bedroom to this day. A bow tie & double-breasted coat and shorts was very fashion-forward for a 2-year old.

"Very fashion forward"

I grew up in a very small town of 1,500 people in Nebraska. I've known something was different about me as far back as I can remember.

My brother and I shared a bedroom and we had this poster of some professional football team hanging on the wall, and there was this one guy who I would just stare at in the photo. I was maybe 8 years old.

I loved to watch men, and in rural Nebraska there were plenty of "real men" for me to do just that.


I loved the hairy-chested men who would come into my parents' business. I just wanted to nuzzle my face in their chests. Thus, I loved James Bond movies, Ed Asner, and anything with Tom Selleck. Magnum PI & soap operas were like porno to me, because of all the shirtless men.

Sadly, I knew I liked men and I knew that I would not be popular if anyone else knew. So I pretended to be a "man's man". But in reality, I just wanted to hang out with the girls. I played sports and was not good at it, but that's what "men" did. By the time I got into high school I knew how to play the straight game, but I needed a lot of alcohol to do it.

Long story short, I had fun in high school but had to deny who I really was. College was when I kissed my first man. OMG! Although I had now kissed a guy and now knew what it was like to "be with another man," I remained terrified to come out.

My drinking and drug use continued, my depression grew, and now at 23 I'm in drug and alcohol treatment. After dealing with my sexuality and coming out, I understand my life so differently now. When I told my family, they were fantastic - and it was the first time I recall my father telling me that he loved me. I now live in the Bay Area of California, and my family understands why I no longer want to live in Nebraska.

What I would say to any gay kid who is struggling, or questioning themselves is - be true to yourself. Even if you live someplace where it's not safe to be open and out, or if it means 'playing the game' until you can get someplace where you will be welcomed to live an open life.

And, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Being gay is normal and natural. We love and have relationships, just like everyone else. So express yourself the way you want to, feel free to act the way you do, and to like what you like. And don't let anyone take that away from you.

Martin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Sean Connery ("James Bond")
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Spencer

Spencer, age 4

Fullerton, CA (1988)

I didn't know I was different for the whole "liking boys" thing when I was younger. I liked boys and that was that, even if I did still have girls I said were my girlfriend. What I knew I was different about me was my stature. By the time I was in 6th grade, I was 6'1" and weighed around 220lbs - and I still grew quite a bit more after that.

"Just sitting here, being gorgeous"

I was chubby, tall, AND gay. As Sarah Palin might say, I was in everybody's crosshairs (especially since I've lived in Orange County for most of my life). The torment ensued throughout school, but I conquered and I'm now a 6'5" mix of cynicism and vulgarity.

Looking back at this picture from today's perspective - with the color-matched sleeveless shirt & shorts combo, the messy blond locks of hair (now brown), and a come-hither smirk - it's probably the earliest photographic evidence of what I still live up to today: understatedly gay, yet overwhelmingly fabulous. :-)

Sadly, as a "trained" LGBT ally/professor for a local university, there's still nothing particularly groundbreaking enough to say to today's gay kids, at least nothing that hasn't already been said.

So, I'll repeat this: It can get better.
But in order for it to actually BE better, you have to be here to see it.

Spencer's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Ryan Phillippe
At 13, I dragged my mom to see '54' when it came out

John

John, age 3

Doyle, Tennesse (1949)

Here I am, Raggedy Andy doll in my arms, on my tricycle in my great-aunt Arrie's front yard. My older sister Julie and our cousin Linda Ray (Arrie's granddaughter) are protected from the hot Tennessee sun under their umbrella, as my mother hovers in the background.

Even with the doll, I don't see anything particularly gay about this picture. But it was probably about this time that my sister and cousin started dressing me up in frilly play dresses, using me as a doll for playing house.

From a very young age I was privately proud of being different from other kids, but that was primarily expressed through being the class “brain” & teacher's pet all through elementary, high school, college, and grad school.

My sister says that I always got away with doing everything I wanted. I don't remember it that way, but I know what she means. I was the best little boy in the world. Grownups loved me for it; kids, not so much.

After having 3 beautiful children and 16 years of a rather happy marriage, I finally came out at age 40. Then soon after, I got divorced.

Today, I've been with my partner Bruce for 16 wonderful, fulfilling years. Between us and their mothers, we raised 6 wonderful kids (sadly, one deceased), who are all happy, sane and fully employed.

My sister (5 years older than me) finally came around to having a gay brother, partly through the positive influence of our cousin, who lives across the river from us and is our best friend.

Last time she visited from Atlanta, my sister - with the same, impish challenging look she shows in the picture - asked me:

'Does everyone like Bruce better than they like you?'
I said, 'Yes, I guess they do!'
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John's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Pernell Roberts & Dan Blocker ("Bonanza")

Both were pretty hot

Jeffrey

Jeffrey, age 7

Wetumpka, Alabama (1968)

I was a smart, eccentric kid, who was quite often prone for creating dramatic moments. I was fairly extroverted and asked lots and lots of questions, which I later discovered annoyed many adult friends & family members. The best thing my parents did for me then was get me involved in a local children's community theater program, to channel my creative energy. Also, I was quite conscious of my wardrobe, even at an early age. A childhood friend recently reminded of my youthful passion for Hush Puppy shoes, which started in about the 3rd grade.

"It’s never too cold to show off a nice pair of legs."

This was the Christmas photo call on the front porch of my grandparents’ house. Why was I wearing shorts outdoors at Christmas? Lord only knows. My beloved grandmother told me shortly thereafter that I was getting to be too old for shorts and knee socks.

Growing up in Texas, I always felt like I was different from other kids. For my entire childhood, I couldn’t understand why I didn’t like football, dating, or other things Texan. It was not until I went off to college that my first girlfriend suspected what was going, labeled it, and got me onto the path of self-discovery (yeah, a real-life Will & Grace).

At some level, I just cringe looking at the pic now. However, it really does capture who I was at that time. Although I’ve never been a clotheshorse by any stretch of the imagination, smart-dressing has always been hugely important.

For younger gay kids now, I say: Dare to be different, and always be true to yourself. High school may suck, but college will be great!

Jeffrey's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Adam West ("Batman")
Along with Danny Powell, the lifeguard at our local swimming pool
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Vincent

Vincent, age 7

Batavia, New York (1988)

I was in the 1st grade and got cast in a community theater production of
The Wizard of Oz. It began an obsession with all aspects of the show.
I collected everything I could, even going as far as begging my parents for a Scarecrow doll. Every chance I had I would park myself in front of the television to watch the movie.

I found my sister’s Dorothy costume and proceeded to put it on, over-sized ruby slippers included. Family was visiting and I thought nothing of showing off my outfit - though my father was less than pleased.

It was never spoken of again, although years later I asked myself, ‘How could he have been so surprised when I came out?’

Theater became a staple in my life. Looking back, it allowed me to experiment with different personalities or be someone different.

Growing up I became more and more introverted (especially after puberty), but theater was a way I could put all that aside and live another life where it didn’t matter. I suppose that was when I started feeling “different”.

The best advice I could give young, gay kids now is to find an outlet like I did. Art is a great way to express yourself in any medium, whether it’s visual or aural. Just putting words to paper can be a great release.

Vincent's famous-person same sex crush:
Prince Eric ("The Little Mermaid")

Mark

Mark, age 8
West Orange, New Jersey (2000)

My childhood, or at least when the picture was taken, is a lot more recent than most of the other submissions on this site. As I sit here typing this, as an 18-year old college student finishing up his winter break, I just want to thank all of those who submitted before me. And, for allowing me, only slightly younger, to grow up in a fairly accepting environment.

"Even the dog was impressed by this confused mini-diva!"

When searching for a picture, I tried to find one of me and my older brothers, to show how important they are in my life. We're in pictures together a lot, but I couldn't find one that expressed how I really felt as a kid - which was alone.

I love my brothers greatly. But even now (and more so as children), they were always together, and I felt like a polar opposite.

I always felt different. Because I am different.

I think this picture reflects two things about my childhood:
On one hand, I'm flexing my imaginary biceps in an attempt to be like my very athletic brothers. On the other hand, my pose makes it humorously clear what my true colors are.

Ya know, about what I wrote above: I felt alone throughout most of my childhood until high school, but my best friend is in the picture with me.
It's my dog Micky, who's about a year old in this picture. And a decade later, he's lying on the floor next to me.

I'm grateful that I had him there to cuddle with through the fights, the confusion, the uncertainty, the breakups, the friendships, and my coming out process in the 8th grade. He was even with me as I headed off to the University of Maryland.

While my brothers couldn't be with me in this picture, they're still always there to support me in everything I do, along with the rest of my family.

And if I have a message, it's this:
I hope that LGBT kids younger than me can grow up in an even more accepting and loving environment like the one I had.

Mark's first famous person same-sex crushes:
Jesse McCartney
Christopher Knight (Peter Brady on "The Brady Bunch")
He was always clumsy, and there was this one episode where he was embarrassed about puberty. Ha! He had no idea!
_______________________________________________

Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

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