Heath

Heath, age 2

Winchester, TN (1975)

It wasn't until around 4th grade that I knew I was different from the other boys. I hated playing sports, and I was always the last to be picked. I didn’t get into BB guns, baseball cards, or playing Army.

"Where's my steno pad? I need to take down a memo!!!"

I always felt more at ease staying inside, watching "The Young & The Restless" on TV with my grandma, or helping her out in the kitchen.

I reveled in the glitzy, 80's prime-time soap operas, like "Dynasty."

I wanted to be Joan Collins as Alexis Carrington, with her long brown cigarettes.


I don't remember when I changed from being sensitive, tender-hearted, and shy to being called a sissy, a fruit, or a f*ggot. I think it started in 6th grade, when one boy called me a fruit, and the rest followed.

While I was never beaten up, I always felt like an outsider, and like less than a person. I knew I had crushes on other boys, but didn’t internally admit it until I was 18. It took several years of hard partying and denial to finally come out, which was rather anti-climactic. Responses to the news went something like this:

"So?"
"What took you so long?"
"Well, I always knew THAT!"
"Yeah, you already told me when you were drunk the other night."

When I came out, I discovered who my real friends were.
That's why it gets better.

Heath's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Dan Aykroyd

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Brigham

Brigham, age 2

Salt Lake City, UT (1987)

I always loved to wear my mom's 3-inch heeled snow boots and accessories.
The feeling just made electricity run through my body like I'd never felt before.

I knew I was gay when I was 13, and I just knew I was different. And I always knew I liked men - it just felt right.
I never really had a celebrity crush, just attractions to muscular, ethnic guys

I didn’t have the greatest childhood, growing up in a polygamous group in Utah. Of all the bad things that went on in my situation, this picture always brings a smile and a laugh to my face.

Fully coming out to my family at 20 was really hard, and my already poor relationship with my parents got even more estranged. My extended family fell in the same situation as well.


Some things happen for a reason, maybe just to make you stronger.
Or they happen just to make you a better person.

All I can say, is that I'm happier than I have ever been in my life.

I currently reside in Los Angeles, and I'm trying to go to chef school.
So things are looking good. Things do get better, so don’t ever give up.

Clarissa

Clarissa, age 4

Bronx, New York (1973)

I loved being a tomboy!
I wanted to be tough and dirty, and would go to work with my dad the mechanic. I didn't always wear coveralls, though.

My mom found a way to get me to wear dresses by making them herself, patterning them after Lucy Van Pelt of the "Peanuts" cartoon.

I acknowledged Lucy's toughness, and felt tough in those dresses, too!


I watched "The Bionic Woman," "Wonder Woman" and "That Girl" on TV,
all for the lead characters. Marlo Thomas' voice gave me butterflies.

I didn't know I was different until junior high. I just didn't get the way the other girls were obsessed about boys - mostly because I was obsessed about girls.

Being raised Catholic, I tamped my feelings down and thought of them as wrong until I was 25, and soon found friends who helped me accept myself and come out. All this, despite having a gay older brother who was accepted and loved by my family. Somehow I thought it would be different for me, since I was a girl.

Over the years, I'd tried to be more conventionally female. But there was nothing more freeing than cutting all my hair off, and returning to my tomboy roots!

To gay kids today: Love and accept yourself.
Stick with those who accept you, and live your truth.

Clarissa's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Marlo Thomas (in "That Girl")

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Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Michael

Michael, age 6

New Fairfield, CT (1970)

It may have been just my 1st grade class photo, but I already knew how to smile to cover up my crooked teeth.

Born blond, I really wasn't satisfied with the color. So by the 5th grade,
I already had a bottle of Sun-In on hand during summer vacation.

In 6th grade in suburban Connecticut, I was much blonder and already the butt of gay jokes.

Funny thing is, I didn't even know I was gay. I was always trying to push the girls to the ground during recess, in an effort to kiss them.


By the 7th grade I'd moved to a bigger town, and met my first boyfriend Rod.
He taught me how to kiss.

Mike

Mike, age 8

Houston, Texas (1991)

One of these boys is not like the other...

"And the Rainbow Badge Goes To...."

With my red hair, pale skin, and delicate features, there's some rage detected in my face. Juxtaposed against these smiling, eager-eyed, young Scouts, it was due to the fact that I didn't want sun damage to cause wrinkles for me later in life.

I obviously took the time to make sure that I had socks to match my kerchief. And my shirt was nice and starched, and I was also well aware that the fashion trend of acid-washed jeans was headed out the door.

While the other boys slouched and sat in poor posture, I sat demure. It's as if I were a Victorian lady, awaiting a parasol and lace gloves to cover my dainty hands. I took the time to be fabulous, while no one else had. For this, I was not having being a Boy Scout.

The irony that a young gay boy wouldn't find Boy Scout meetings to be a safe haven from the outside world seems funny to me now. Themed outfits, arts and crafts, and plenty of opportunities to work out with other guys? All of these STILL being my favorite things to do now.

I looked at The Boy Scouts of America website, and looked at reasons why you should enroll your kid into the Scouts. It states this:

"Scouting provides youth with a sense that they are important as individuals.
It is communicated to them that those in the Scouting family care about what happens to them, regardless of whether a game is won or lost"

For the young and old gays alike out there, that feel as if they have lost this game of life? My message is: Don't give up.

For those who are stuck in Scouts because their parents feel like they should be doing what the "other boys" do, I would ask that they stick it out. But always make sure you stay fabulous doing so.

It sounds cliche' saying that time heals all wounds, but it does.... Scouts honor.

Enzo

Enzo, age 2

Baltimore, Maryland (1967)

This photo was taken behind my grandmother's townhouse in East Baltimore. Obviously, I saw women pose this way for photos, and just assumed I was supposed to do the same thing.  I don't think I had a sense of femininity yet, clearly from what I'm doing with my mouth!

We were a big Sicilian family and my relatives lived across the street. When I was 3, we moved to rural Michigan and my life turned to hell.

But I always spent summers on that same block, and it was my world, my own Sesame Street.

An Uncle of mine died just before I was born, and he was all anyone spoke about.


He'd become a fairly famous songwriter, and I knew at 3 he was gay. Or rather, that he was like me, but I had no idea it had anything to do with sex. 

I was aware of gay men whenever I saw them, because they were nothing like my uncles. They didn't have women telling them what to do, and they were fun to be around. And they'd ALL been to Europe, or said they had. That was all I wanted out of life, and I wrote an essay in 2nd grade about how I wanted to be "queer" when I grew up.

Queer was the only word I knew for it, and had no idea it would be a problem. But when I read the essay in class, my mom was called into school. If anything,
I thought gays were superior. But I also knew stupid people made fun of them.

Looking at this photo now reminds me that as a child, men seemed peripheral and irrelevant. They were always somewhere else, doing something that didn't seem to matter much.

TV was the same: Men worked in suits and were boring and tried to hold back. The women were clearly smarter and more clever in every way.

Thus, I identified with women (and later gay men) as being the road to my independence. Even today I am still uncomfortable in all-homogenous groups, especially all-gay or all-white. 

Currently, I've been married almost 12 years. And I write & perform plays about my background. And today's kids seem to relate more than people my own age.
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"

Frank

Frank, age 6

El Paso, TX (1990)

I grew up in a Christian home. My mother always gave us the best of the best,
at least to me, and she always worked hard to make sure we didn't lack anything. I'm the youngest of 7 kids, and there's 7 years between my next older sibling.
So that's probably why I was a bit spoiled.

At age 8, I got involved with the Royal Rangers, the church version of the Boy Scouts.

It was there I realized that I was different, but my feelings were confirmed later that year at a summer camp. 

One night I had my first encounter when I was kissed on the lips by my tent partner. He was a boy who, in my opinion, acted quite girly.

For years I prayed to be rid of the feelings I had, but my prayers were never answered. Therefore I viewed it as just being born this way.



A weekend visit to my mother's house from college was the time that I came out to her. Scared that she would react otherwise, she said, "I always knew you were different. But regardless, you'll always be my little boy." To hear that has given me great courage in life.

I was later in my first relationship, which was extremely abusive. But 4 years later and 1100 miles from home, I decided I didn't want to be beaten anymore.
So I ended the relationship.

Two years later, I found a wonderful guy who I'm now married to, and I couldn’t be happier. Funny to mention, but many people tell me that if I didn't tell them I was gay, they wouldn't have figured it out.

One thing that I would like to tell any young person out there:

Live for today, and don't worry about tomorrow.
When you start regretting your past, then that's when you stop living.

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Kris

Kris, age 8

Farmington, NY (1980)

Picture it: It's 1980, and I'm 8. The hip was cocked, torso slightly turned, hands out, and streamers attached. The boy was ready to show the world his baton!!!

A lot of water has crossed under the bridge. A lot of baggage has been carried. And as I near the age of 40, I'm finally starting to feel some relief.

Success is not measured by what you posses, but rather by what you have thrown away as no longer needed.

I look at this pic and see so much innocence, just being me.

I reflect on all the years after this picture was taken, and can say it wasn't long after that the innocence was stripped away. 


Other boys were normal. Other families were happy. But I was tossed aside. Where is that smiling baton boy?

Today, I have a choice. A choice to say that they can't hurt me anymore.
Today, I'm free! Today, I smile again.

For the youth of today and tomorrow:
Hold on tight and NEVER let go. Never forget that you will smile again, too.

Alex

Alex, age 4

Ames, IA (1976)

That's me in the green footie pajamas, kissing another boy.

I've always loved this photo, and I refer to it as "mom's first clue".

I have a very clear memory of being a young child and telling someone:

"God made a mistake.
I should have been born a girl."

What makes a child say something like that?


I guess it's that I've always known there was something different about me,
and those were the only words I had to express it at the time.

I was a bit of a troublemaker as a teen, always getting into trouble. I once read a quote from a gay writer (I can't remember his name, sadly) that perfectly summed up my teen years.

He said that until he accepted his difference on the inside, he wore it on the outside. And that was me to a T. I fought that difference, literally, always running from the truth in the mirror.

And then - I found the theatre. Acting. Directing. Writing plays. The ways that it saved me can't begin to be counted. It gave me a space to be me, without fear. Rather ironic, given that I was constantly being anyone BUT myself on stage.

I had a single mom that figured me out early in my teens, and fished around for it until I told her when I was 21. It wasn't until I saw how hard others had it, that
I TRULY appreciated how valuable that unconditional love really was.

I only wish I hadn't spent so much time afraid to admit to myself who I was.
I certainly had no reason to be afraid. At least not with my mom.

For those of you with perhaps less supportive parents or family? Hang on!
There's a whole world out there ready to love you. And YOU get the power one day to define who and what your family is, and who belongs in it.

It's pretty awesome. Honest.

Today, I'm legally married to my husband and we're looking into adoption.
I could never have pictured this future, as that confused teenager.

So please hang on to see where your story goes. I bet it will be amazing.
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Steve

Steve, age 3

Rochester, NY (1957)

I don't remember this Halloween at all, and can't imagine why my mother would put me in my sister's dress like that. But it was some foreshadowing, for sure.

I think I knew I had feelings for men around age 8. I liked my male teachers much better than the women. Not having a father figure made me look elsewhere for that male companionship.

At 12, I felt much more mature than other guys my age. I had major crushes on all cute boys, and many of the pop culture icons of the day.



The only movie images of gay men in the late 60's and early 70's were either evil villains who had to be killed, or swishing effeminate guys who were jokes. So I hid out, deep in the closet. From around age 13 to 16, I knew for certain I was different, and dreaded being gay and outed.

I only dared to have sex very discreetly, while keeping up the image of an All-American, straight jock. It wasn't till college that I really explored gay life in NYC, which then meant horrid gay-theater encounters and other closeted men.

I moved to San Francisco in 1978, and that finally allowed me to re-invent myself as a gay man. Since then I've blossomed into the person I wanted to be.

Gay youth today have it infinitely better than my generation did.
And they should take every advantage of the groundwork we laid for them.

Steve's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Bobby Sherman (singer/actor)

Henry & Rocky

Henry, age 5

Rocky, age 4

Santa Ana, California (1973)

I'm Henry on the right, with my brother Rocky on the left. Growing up searching for a sense of self is hard to do. My parents, especially my mother, made it virtually impossible for me to be comfortable with coming out at 17.
Our household told us that being gay was a sickness, and that we were defective.

I suffered at the hands of shrinks, priests, and my mother's tactics trying to "change" me. The one person who made this truly bearable was my little brother, Rocky. He is also gay. And he always supported me with no judgments.

Growing up, I knew Rocky was gay before I knew I was. He once performed "I'm Every Woman" by Chaka Khan in my mother's platforms, to cheer me up once when I was really down. Our mom caught us, but I remember him really looking up to me, trying in earnest to seek my approval.

We were different as boys. Rocky liked perfume, make-up, and glamor, and I liked sweaty men, rock music, and leather. We still like the same things now.
He was a Goth and I was an awkward punk, just trying to fit in.

We once got into a fist fight as teenagers when I slept with Chris, a boy he had a major crush on. He was Rocky's sleepover guest, but he'd made his way into my bed. My brother screamed at me, "I hate you, you f*cking whore!" as he wept.

That very moment, my dad asked my mom just what we were talking about.
Of course, we couldn't tell them what was really going on. Rocky didn't speak to me for 2 weeks, and I felt like crap - but he eventually forgave me.

Rocky's support made me stronger to come out and accept myself. Doing so made him more comfortable with who he is, too. There's been love, laughter, and tears. But thankfully, I had my brother with me the whole time growing up.

So I need to say:
I love you, Rocky.

I know I don't say it a lot, but this is the best way for me to show it. You have been my rock in many ways. We bonded with a united front, and our parents eventually came to accept us as well.

I now live in London with Bren, my partner of 9 years, and our dog Jolene. We also run a successful tattoo shop in the city. Looking back at this photo, it's a reminder of how much my brother Rocky really means to me.

Henry's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Sean Connery (in "Time Bandits")

Oh, that red toga and his crotch! Poppa's got a brand new bag!

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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Silas

Silas, age 3

Reedley, CA (1992)

Religious holidays were particularly huge gatherings for us. Easter was all about getting dressed up for my Southern Baptist family. This Easter, I was fashionable as always in a full body jumpsuit and cherry lip balm - because those smackers aren't naturally that red. And my sisters, Lacey and Michelle, wear ensembles sewn by our Aunt Julie. I love the food, bonding, and hugs that surround holidays, as they remind me of all the love there is on this planet and in Heaven.

As a kid, I had a billion Beanie Babies and watched "Family Matters" every day after school. On Saturday mornings, I'd sing along with the "Pokemon Song" ("Gotta catch ‘em all!")

I first felt different in kindergarten. My best friend and I were early "boyfriends." We would hold hands and kiss on the bus everyday after school.

When he told his parents that he loved me, they gave him the sex talk.

They told him being gay was a sin. That message was repeated to me.

As a result, for years I thought that women had "china" - not "vaginas" - up their skirts, and I refused to eat off porcelain.


Growing up gay in a Christian household can be rough. I have struggled to reconcile my faith and sexual orientation, and coming out was hard. But my family still loves me, and I know that if I meet a guy worthy of bringing home someday, we will rough through that together too.

Struggles are something everyone has; Christ, my friends, and my family help me deal with mine. I am a Gay Christian, and I was made this way.

Silas' first, famous-person same sex crush:

Prince Eric (from "The Little Mermaid")

Honestly, he was the sexiest cartoon character I'd ever seen.

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Bryan

Bryan, age 8

Bolivar, Ohio (1984)

Lawrence of Arabia?  Nope, it's me Bryan - in one of the costumes my grandma brought back from her travels. I wore this outfit so often, she once told me once she'd have to go back overseas to get another! In fact, it was rare for me not to be in costume: cowboy, air force, king, preacher, etc. One time, I dressed up my favorite action hero in a hoop dress, and I'd enter into another world.

My mom, who had good intentions, often tried to "man me up" by throwing balls at me. I never could catch a baseball.

The musical "Annie" was the soundtrack to my early life. Indeed, at times I felt like an orphan.

I felt, who could understand me? Most times I didn't even understand myself!

I always knew I was different, but I didn't always know why.

One night as a young teen, my family was watching Donahue on TV. There was a gay couple on the show, and I innocently inquired as to what was happening.

My dad answered back to me: "If you ever want to try something like that, you should let me know." Why? He said he would, quote: "Take me out in back of the barn and put me out of my misery."

Years later, before my dad's passing in 2008, he was working as a security officer at a local hospital. He was on a suicide watch, and the man he protected was gay. I'm told that dad, a man of relatively few words, counseled him: "I know things seem bad now. I have a gay son. He went through the same rollercoaster ride. He just got married to his partner. Things will get better. I promise."

And they do!  Things do get better! I married my partner in 2008, and we adopted 3 dogs and a cat.  We're thinking about adopting human kids now, too.

I barely made it to this point, but life has worked itself out in unexpected ways!
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Click here - "Born This Way: Real Stories of Growing Up Gay" book
Click here - "My First Gay Crush Blog"
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Annette

Annette, age 3

Bern, Switzerland (1980)

As a little kid, I was particularly fond of hats and dungarees. Though never a tomboy and a rather timid child, I nevertheless shunned the "girlie" stuff, and hated wearing dresses. In fact, I was often mistaken for a boy, and my feeling of self has always been one of a gay "in-between" in many ways.

I knew I was somehow different by the age of about 10, but I couldn't put my finger on it. But I found women more fascinating than men in every way.

At age 14, I became infatuated with Barbra Streisand, but still didn't understand that I was - and had in fact always been - a gay kid. That all came much much later, when I came out at age 23.

Looking back, I wonder how I could have missed all these signposts! Life would have been easier, had I understood and accepted my true identity earlier. Because I loved being that kid with the hat and the dungarees!

Once I got through the rough terrain of puberty, reconnecting to these early moments brought a lot of joy and self-realization.

And you can get to this point, too! And let me tell you: It does get better!

Tony

Tony, age 3

Milton Keynes, UK (1994)

I grew up for 9 years of my life with mainly just my mum. She was always there for me, and supported me through everything. Thinking back, we supported each other. She then met my step-dad, whom she is now married to, and he's also a big supportive character for me.

I remember being picked up from school, and my mum used to ask me "Is something wrong, spud? You can tell me anything you want. I will always love you." And I used to think, "Yes, there is."

But I never knew quite how to say it, even with knowing how supportive she would be of me. But she always knew, as mum's always know!

I remember wearing a thin sheet, and walking down our stairs pretending it was a dress. Funnily enough, the sheet had rainbow stripes.

Around 13, I remember feeling uncomfortable being in the boys' changing rooms at school. And I found myself looking at other guys.

It was hard and confusing as to why I was doing this. It used to make me angry, as I didn't have anyone to tell.

My best friend Hayley was the first I told, and she was so so supportive, and helped me a lot. I needed that, as I was bullied every day of my schooling period.

I eventually came out to my mum and step-dad around age 14, and I couldn't have asked for more support. I expected it from my mum, but wasn't sure about my step dad. They both love me, and that is all that matters.

I can't give advice to people who are gay who need to tell parents, as it depends on the parent. However, I do believe if you have a close friend, they are the easiest to tell. And doing that takes a HUGE weight off your shoulders, in order to help deal with it yourself.

My first famous crush had to be -- any man with his shirt off, I think!
My musings and other memoirs of a gay guy can be found here.