Melissa

Melissa, age 6

Lewistown, MT (1988)

I remember thinking I was a boy, seeing no difference between me and other boys. Wearing boy clothes, playing with G.I.Joes and Legos, playing Army, and other boy games. I had crushes on girls, because boys have crushes on girls, right? It wasn't until puberty began that I really realized that I was indeed a girl, and that sent my world into upheaval.

I was so confused, and turned upside down. When you are little they just label you a tomboy, but when you get older, you are expected to fit into these gender roles that never ever worked for me.

My crushes on girls were then perceived as me 'really wanting to be their friend', and becoming extremely shy and nervous around them. I thought I was a shy kid, an introvert.

But once I reached high school, and I met other gay people, I finally understood what all these feelings meant: I wasn't different or weird.

I was just queer. And that was awesome!

I wasn't shy or introverted, I was just crushing without a way to express myself. The time I spent trying to be something I am not did not last very long.

And lucky for me, I had a rather supportive mother who didn't begrudge me wearing boys/mens clothing. And today, I am not unlike my 6 year old self.

I wear all boys/mens clothing, I love women, and love to play the games boys play. My short time pretending to be something I was not was a miserable time, and I will never ever do anything like that again.

I'm here, I'm queer, and I love it!

Michael

Michael, age 4

Lake Isabella, California (1971)

This was my first doll (the first of many). My earliest memory of being different was standing up while peeing probably around 4 years old. I remember looking down at my penis and thinking to myself 'There's been a mistake.' I remember I had a long list of reasons why I should have been born a girl: 'I like playing with girls, I like the clothes girls get to wear, I like their toys' - and it seemed a very logical appraisal of why someone had some explaining to do!

"My first doll"

I come from a very small, rural town in California. Even though I'm currently having some disagreements with my parents, the one thing I can really thank them for is their acceptance of me as a child.

They bought me whatever I asked for, no matter how effeminate, and never made me feel ashamed of myself. 

At this age I also realized that I wasn't necessarily like other boys, but my home was always a safe haven. I could be myself there and play with my dolls and not be judged.

One of my favorite memories is of my father taking me to a toy store and telling me I could get whatever I wanted. I remember bringing Barbie Mall up to the counter, and waiting for the cashier to ring it up. My father simply stood beside me as if it was a racetrack. I felt very loved that day.

As an adult I asked my mom why they'd let me play with dolls, etc. She told me that she and my dad had discussed it when I was very young, and started asking for dolls. They were worried that I may turn "queer" but ultimately decided that they would give me what I wanted, and hoped I'd grow out of it.

No matter what the reason, they never made me feel ashamed of myself.
And I will always be thankful to my parents  for that.

Michael's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lee Majors ("The Six Million Dollar Man")
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Eddie

Eddie, age 8
Fontana, CA (1987)

For my First Communion, all the boys were instructed to be dressed in black & white suits, and all of the girls were to be dressed in little white dresses with lace veils. By this age I knew I was gay, and most definitely was drawn to the art of self expression. I told my dad that what they wanted me to wear was 'Boring, lacking uniqueness, and not very colorful.' After he toned down my original ideas, I compromised with an acceptable suit for the special day. Here I am in it with the priests - and a big proud smile as an accessory.

"My First Communion"

According to my family, my gay qualities were very apparent from a young age. I was lucky enough to be raised by two gay dads, and it just so happens I'm gay too.

My dad used to tell me about dinner parties they would have. He said when I was around 4, I cascaded down our staircase one night with a towel wrapped on my head, as if wearing a "big hair" wig.

I went to each of my dad's dinner guests to give them a kiss goodnight on the cheek and make my final goodbyes, as it was my bedtime.

After I went back upstairs, everybody looked at my dad with shock and asked him, 'What in the world are you teaching him?'

Of course, my dad spent the rest of my childhood laughing and explaining that all of my "grandiose" ways, were most certainly self-taught.

On the day of this pic, not only did I receive my first communion (which I was very excited for), but I also realized I could be a little different without much of a hassle from others. Either nobody cared - or my pride blinded the care they had. That day very much was a part of the puzzle which makes me who I am today.

If only I could share the VHS tape I have of that day. My dads had a party for me and my Uncle Steve and Aunt Mendi were there with their new video camera - and boy did I put on a show for that camera!

I started off by doing my infamous Dolly Parton impersonation, moving on to a "western" improv play with friends. I played a busty saloon owner who gets held up and robbed by a group of traveling outlaw cowboys who just rode into town. And yes, I was only 8 years old.  

Today I'm a proud gay man, with a very loving partner.
And I'm proud to say, 'I was born this way!'

Bill

Bill, age 5

Ft. Worth, TX (1973)
 

I was the sensitive kid growing up, with lots of girl friends. I always identified with the girls, and I always wanted to play with their Barbies - or play the mom, or the nurse, or Wonder Woman.

Looking at this picture I now understand why, when I did come out at 26 to my grandmother, she told me 'Oh baby. I have known that since you were 7. I've just been waiting for you to tell me'.

And thinking back on this time, I wish that I had grown up in an era, such as today, where it is not as big a deal to be gay.


Makes me wonder what I could have become.

Bill's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Mark Hamill (Luke Skywalker, "Star Wars")

My parents took me to see "Star Wars' for my birthday one year,
and I was just over the moon for Luke Skywalker

EJ

EJ, age 12
Austin, TX (1993)

I remember from a very young age, probably 3 or 4, feeling different and not quite knowing why. I would never choose to play with either male or female friends, but instead both of them. I loved art and cooking and reading books, Care Bears. Thundercats, He-Man, and My Little Pony.

"Sitting amongst the Texas wildflowers looking pensive."

I greatly disliked anything to do with Sports or dolls - I didn't see the point with either.

My mum let me dress pretty much any way I pleased, but I remember getting teased for this, being called a "boy-girl" or "he-she" or the ultimate worst thing for a kid trying to fit in - being labeled as "weird".

I remember this photo was taken soon after my Mum had passed away in 1993, and I was living with my Dad and sister in Austin, TX.



Funny thing, this is one of the only photos I have of me at this age and one of my all-time favorite photos of me as a kid.

I struggled through the rest of middle school, high school and the beginnings of college, trying to figure out my sexuality and how I didn't feel that my sex and gender aligned. But here I am a good 18 years later and I can look back on this photo with a wistful smile, knowing the struggles I have yet to endure but also knowing that I had it in myself to take on the journey and persevere in the end.

I don't erase - but instead embrace - my past of being a shy, insecure, tomboy because it lead me to now being an outspoken, proud, Trans man.

EJ's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

David Ducovny & Gillian Anderson (Mulder & Scully, "The X-Files")

Seth

Seth, age 10

Fredericksburg, Virginia (1985)

I remember that this was a weekend game night at my Mom's house. I was always trying to entertain my family. This was my best supermodel pose, way before the age of Supermodels. The terry cloth hot pants still kill me! Those were my everyday shorts, and all the other clothing was my mom's.

I also remember this was the first time my older brother, who I idolized, called me a fag.

The hardest part of being called a fag by anyone, was that I knew they were right. And I couldn't prove them wrong. And it really created a sense of doom for me.

That feeling lasted until I finally got the hell out of Virginia at age 18, and began to live MY LIFE!

I remember my first "erotic" gay dream when I was about age 7.
I dreamed that I'd won a radio station contest and Duran Duran came to my elementary school in a huge stretch limo to pick me up.

I remember that Simon LeBon was wearing shiny black leather pants, and I spent the entire limo ride rubbing his ass, almost like I was polishing it. I had no idea where we were heading, but I was heading for Simon's shiny ass!

I still love Simon. And ass.

And 20 years later I feel so blessed - and no doom in sight!

Seth's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Simon LeBon (Duran Duran)

_____________________________________________________

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Stephen

Stephen, age 10
Providence, Rhode Island (1977)

Yes, this is me, "Little Stevie" as my family called me, dressed as Henry VIII with my beloved Miss Piggy as Anne Boleyn. Having an older gay brother studying costume design in college definitely informed and helped in my playtime activities.

I spent hours dressing up Miss Piggy as different women in history.

Sometimes with accompanying self-costumes as her matching male companions, or sometimes just as their off-screen stylist.

I have many pictures of her dressed as Cleopatra, Carmen Miranda, and Eva Peron at varied times in her life.

I even had Miss Piggy giving speeches on the balcony of the Casa Rosada, in her traveling clothes for the "Rainbow Tour," etc.

I was a confirmed Anglophile at an extremely early age and this photo shows me at the peak of my powers. I mean, look at the details. It's as though Miss Piggy just stepped out of a Holbein portrait. Even my "stippled" Tudor beard is a revelation.

The first time I took a trip to London in the late 1990's and visited Henry VIII's historic home, Hampton Court, all I could think of was this picture. I remember thinking to myself, 'Yes. Miss Piggy and I got it right!'
 

Eat your heart out, Jonathan Rhys Meyers!

I think I always felt different, and I somehow always knew I was gay.
Thank God, because I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Stephen's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Mark Spitz (US Olympic Swimming Legend)
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Joshua

Joshua, age 7

Bradenton, Florida (1987)

I was a child who was very much in my own world. Spending most of my time drawing mermaids and princesses, I had a hard time focusing at school. I got made fun of a lot for being a girl because most of my recesses were spent playing house, trying to cartwheel, or wishing I was brave enough climb and sit on top of the monkey bars. I coped by retreating into my head, which I was very happy in, but resulted in a lot of strange outward behavior. I guess I was an odd kid.

"Easter Sunday portraits were always a good opportunity to
dress up, eat peeps, go to church - and VOGUE!"

This photo was taken on Easter Sunday before my family went to church.
I remember my mom bought us all new outfits for the occasion and needless to say - I felt very chic. I remember wanting this picture to count - so I told my sister Bethany (the one closest to me) how to pose, and then I struck one myself. I don't think my parents had any idea what I was doing. They're still relatively unfazed by this picture, and I think they're just "used to me."

I didn't fully come out until I was in my mid 20's. I was brought up in a very conservative Christian home and it took a long time for me to fully separate myself from that. I don't remember not "feeling different" though. I was obviously a very flamboyant child and I never really fit in anywhere.

I am incredibly proud of this picture. Even though I was a little late to "come out" I was always pretty fearless about expressing myself and my interests.

Joshua's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

"Marky Mark" Wahlberg, Joel West, & Marcus Schenkenberg.

Obviously, I liked the 90's male models.
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Chuck

Chuck Willman, age 5

Milwaukee, WI (1966)

This photo of me was meant to be a "gift" for my father, who was training in another city for a new job for much of that summer. I was pissed during this entire 'studio' session at some mall; the photographer trying everything to get me to behave.

My mother tells me I 'cried and carried on like a little girl' the entire time, embarrassing her to no end. This picture was the last one taken by the photographer after spending nearly an hour trying to get the perfect "little boy" shot for my father to have.

"Early signs of a sissy"

I knew I was gay as a young kid, maybe around age 7. That's when I began 'playing' with other boys, as in show-me-yours-I'll-show-you-mine-like games with little boys. I was fascinated and couldn't get enough. 

The feelings intensified as I got older, eventually developing into that horrible ache most of us felt as teenagers when what we wanted was right next to us, but so far out of reach. But I still 'played' with boys.


 
In fact, my first love was a 15 year old junior-varsity football star with whom I enjoyed a very sexual relationship. He was the first person - outside of family - who told me he loved me. And I was hopelessly in love with him.

My first crush was on Chad Everett, who I wrote a fan letter to and received a small photo of, which I treasured for a couple years. I also LOVED David Cassidy & Shirley Jones. I wrote a fan letter to them, and received a large photo back of the two of them. 

In the 80's I was a television make-up artist working primarily at CBS & NBC studios. One day I found myself working with Shirley Jones (long story), and I told her about my crush on her step-son. She was so gracious, and loved the story.

So that's ME. Little Chuckie, who turned out to be a great big fruit, but who doesn't regret it at all. I have this photograph on my desk at home where I write poetry and erotic stories. It makes me laugh. 

This picture has become my favorite photograph of myself because I see in my eyes a truth that no other photograph of me has ever captured. I was a prissy little boy who hated doing boy things, and I matured into a gay man who - eventually, and after some therapy - grew to love himself for being gay.

And when I feel lost sometimes, I look into the honest, innocent eyes of myself as a five year old pansy! 

Chuck's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Chad Everett (on "Medical Center") & David Cassidy

Kevin

Kevin, age 7
Hamden, Connecticut (1971)

This is me and my Charlie McCarthy doll. I think this picture explains it all.
I LOVED this doll. Most dolls actually. I loved playing with my sisters Barbie dolls. My other favorite doll was my Mattel Big Jim doll. He was smaller than G.I. Joe or Ken, but much more muscular and handsome. He also had a fiend named Big Josh. I would let them sleep together in the Big Jim camper.

I never felt any different as a child, but looking back on old family photos, it was quite obvious, who the gay child was. It want until I was much older and got to know my family better that I learned how much my parents struggled with it.

They never treated me any differently than my brothers or sisters (or at least I did not feel that I was treated differently), but they did struggle with it.

Kevin's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Lee Majors ("The Six Million Dollar Man")

He was so masculine and manly. I always felt a little different "down there"
when I would watch that show as a child.
___________________________________________________

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Liz

Liz, age 6

Buffalo, NY (1961)

I was always a tomboy. My mother had to bribe me to wear a dress, and I insisted on no puffed sleeves or ruffles of any kind. Most of the time, I was dressed as a cowboy or in some kind of uniform and always carrying a toy gun. When space travel became the next new thing, I became obsessed with all things NASA and wanted to be an astronaut. I would lie upside down in our living room chairs and pretend I was orbiting Earth in my own rocket.

I think I always knew I was “different,” but never really understood what that meant. When I was 7 or 8, I developed a huge crush on my very butch gym teacher (didn’t we all?), but my mother told me crushes on other girls were perfectly normal. I spent a lot of time being “perfectly normal” during six years at summer camp, with many crushes on older campers and cute, butch counselors.

It never occurred to me that I was doing anything wrong, and none of my crushes ever materialized into anything more than long, flowery letters over the winter professing undying friendship. That’s what girls did, right?

I was also lucky enough to go to all-girls’ schools from age 9 – 17, so my perfectly normal crushes intensified, but I dated boys throughout high school and college, because that’s what you did. It wasn’t until my senior year in college that I finally came to terms with my gayness. My crushes had become more intense, and I knew I wanted more from another woman than long, flowery letters. It was a relief to finally embrace my queer self.

I came out in 1978 amid newly formed gay rights groups and a radicalized political climate that would get the ball rolling for many of the changes we’re seeing today. Back then, I couldn’t imagine marriage rights, laws protecting GLBT jobs and housing, and out GLBT political candidates. In the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, I marched in Gay Pride parades where half of my friends had to wear bags on their heads, to protect their identities.

Equal rights have come a long way...
But the road to complete equality is still a good distance away.

Paul

Paul, age 12

Royal Oak, MI (1963)

When I was around 4 or 5, I announced to my parents that I wanted to be a ballerina. Not realizing that they would be crushing my dream, they explained that I could only be a "male dancer". That was my first clue that if I wanted to survive, I had to hide my true identity.

A few years later after when offered dance lessons, I of course asked for Ballet, but was told no classes were available for boys. The nearest dance studio offered a Boys Jazz & Baton class however. Baton! My 2nd secret ambition was to be a drum major/cheerleader, so this class gave me a free license to TWIRL.

My dad would take me to the studio every Saturday morning. Back then, I never understood why he -  and not my mom - came with me. I took dance until sometime during my first year of Junior High when the threat of being harassed - and worse - became too real.

Since I was already getting great practice running from dangerous situations, I joined the track team. The hunky 20-something ex-Marine coach (who I had a major crush on) also had something to do with my becoming an athlete.

For years I would feel a bit uncomfortable by this picture. All those negative memories would rush back. The fear of being "outed" because I was taking dance lessons, and my embarrassment that my dad was taking me to class because he felt sorry for me. At least that's what I thought.

I found out only after he died in 2001, that the reason he took me to class was because he loved to dance, and he'd wanted to take dance lessons himself when he was a boy. This still brings tears to my eyes when I think of the missed opportunity to be close to him, at an age when I desperately needed him.

And here's an FIY on my first kiss:

Age - 5 or 6

Place - behind the neighbor's bushes

The boy - Dickie Foster

My reaction - 'Why does it taste salty?'

Paul's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Tony Dow (Wally on "Leave It To Beaver")
Sal Mineo, John Gavin, & Rock Hudson

Gabor

Gabor, age 11

Del Mar, CA (1980)

This gem of a photo was shot by my father. I had dressed myself in my mother's dress and sun hat, and was parading around our house. My father was a scientist, and my mother was a pianist - progressive European bohemians nudists that had gay friends in their circle of friends. So at home, I was safe.

It wasn't until I started school that the the bullying and torture began in regards to my sexuality.

I knew something was different about me by the time I was 8. And I quickly picked up the idea that I had better start hiding my truth, to avoid physical and emotional attacks.

These attacks led me to the brink of suicide.

In this picture, I am still happy and free like so many of the pictures on this blog.

Many of the pictures here capture the joy filled spirits that we are, before the mean world got to us.

Luckily, today I am happy and free again.
And I couldn't be happier with how my life turned out

Larry

Larry, age 11

The Jersey Shore (1972)

Every year our family went to the Jersey Shore for our summer vacation. It was a big extended family affair and I was one of the youngest of the kids. Here I am posing in my  homemade "cut-offs" reading Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I had the spoken word album as well!) Pretty gay, right? And I love the cigarette machine in the background.

I didn't think about being different in those years. My family didn't seem to think it was strange for me to imitate Lily Tomlin as Ernestine, the telephone operator, or to draw pictures of my grandmother in 60's style fashions.

They were very nurturing. I'm sure I raised an eyebrow or two along the way, but nobody seemed to mention anything.

I feel lucky to have grown up in those days - attitudes seemed less uptight. I remember my mother, aunts, and older cousins all wearing big wigs. And my dad and uncles wearing flashy leisure suits with open collared shirts.

I wore platform shoes from Thom McCan and an off-white polyester jacket to my 8th grade graduation.

I was your typical good boy. I did well in school, was an altar boy, had a paper route, played sports (not very successfully), and basically stayed out of trouble.
I guess deep down I knew I was "queer".

I liked to sit with the women at the table after dinner instead of watching sports.
I decorated my bedroom bulletin board every holiday. I loved to shop at the Wonder Stores for sizzle shirts and brushed denim Palazzo Pants. (I think Frank DeCaro can relate!) 

What's strange is that I somehow felt that I needed to edit my queerness. I had a girlfriend, but nothing ever happened. I had male friends, and nothing ever happened. Although, my best friend turned out to be gay. I survived those school years and much of college basically in the closet. I came out when I was 23, at my 5th year high school reunion.

Looking back now,I realize that nobody stopped me from being who I was.
It just took me a little longer to realize it, and to embrace it.

Larry's first, famous-person same sex crush:

Bill Bixby (in "The Courtship of Eddie's Father")

I wanted to be Eddie. I wanted to live with Mrs. Livingston!
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Robbie

Robbie, age 4
Arizona (1987)

I was obsessed with the 1985 movie version of "A Chorus Line". And according to my mom, I used to watch this movie everyday (which must've been really great to see a little Mexican 4-year old singing along to the song "Tits & Ass").

So when Halloween came around, I chose my own costume - a Chorus Line dancer. I can only imagine what my dad's reaction was, but my mom was supportive and obviously helped me with the costume.

The suspenders, the bow tie, the glitter and gold - all early signs of my future fashion sense, and attention to every sparkly detail.

For years, I was ashamed of these photos and the fact that I even dressed like this as a kid.
I repressed all of it and struggled with my identity in my teens.

I would always scrunch my face and turn away in disgust anytime my mom or family would bring up this costume,
or my love for Barbies, or watching "Steel Magnolias".

I never showed anyone these pictures and acted like they never existed.

Eventually I became more comfortable with myself, and settled into my own body and identity as a queer individual. Now I have no problems showing off these photos to friends, and they soon became like a gay badge of honor.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a dancer. But the older I got, the more I became aware of how "different" I was from all the other boys. Such as only playing with the girls, jump-roping, and my Lisa Frank collection, etc.

I learned to repress any trace of femininity that I possessed, to avoid being teased or bullied for "acting like a girl". I regret this and wish I'd continued being myself, and pursued those dreams to dance. But as a kid, it's easy succumbing to societal and cultural pressures (especially in the Mexican community).

To "act like a boy" dominated me as I searched for group acceptance, and it wasn't until my 20's that I really came into "myself".

To paraphrase a scene from "A Chorus Line":'
'What made you start dancing? Who knows?
I'm Mexican. We jump around a lot.'

Robbie's first, famous-person same sex crushes:
Michael Jackson, David Bowie, & Tim Curry

I love those skinny oddballs who don't mind wearing tight clothes or lingerie in front of a crowd. Also, I REALLY wanted to marry Michael and Madonna