B. Dean

B. Dean, age 7

Winnetka, IL (1980)

I was always an effeminate boy, particularly when I was very young. Strangers were forever mistaking me for a girl, so I became very aware of and acclimated to the fact that I was "different" at a very early age.

"But Mooooother! I didn't want a Beatles haircut!
I told you I wanted it feathered! Like Jill Munroe!"

I remember feeling "different" from birth, really. Although it certainly didn't feel like a "difference" until I grew older, and learned how to compare myself to others.

This was always made even clearer to me, when I'd demand my friends play games with me, revolving around meticulously memorized plots of Charlie's Angels or Wonder Woman episodes.

I spent most of my childhood imagining myself as Jill Munroe, or fantasized to kiss Andy Gibb while staring at him on the cover of his "Shadow Dancing" record.

For me, that felt entirely "normal." And, it still feels that way.

Also I enjoy remembering how I overcompensated for being an effeminate boy, by being "tough" in other ways.

For example, that Mona Lisa smile I'm sporting in the above photo? It's likely due to the fact that, stuck down my shorts and out of the frame, was a toy .38 Special "pop gun" that my mother had bought for me. And which I always carried when I played being an Angel.

And I like that memory, as well.

B Dean's first, famous-person same sex crushes:

Christopher Atkins (in "The Blue Lagoon")

Victor Barbee (principal dancer, American Ballet Theatre) 

I just discovered your blog today, and I absolutely love that you came up with this project. It's such an important thing for younger gay people to see, and to read. You're awesome.